Welcome to the Nuclear Olympics! Here’s hoping we all make it out alive!

Wait, hold up, the Winter Olympics started last night? The hell? How are we already talking about the Olympics again? We have barely cleaned up Rio after Ryan Lochte’s reign of terror?!

I mean, honestly, I’d trust him more with the nuclear arsenal than President Cheeseburger.

BUT HERE WE ARE — well, we’re in South Korea, actually, with a furious case of Norovirus raging through the Olympic Village and only about 50 miles from a lunatic with a terrible haircut, a chip on his pudgy shoulders and an arsenal of nuclear weapons — ready to celebrate the international spirit, and hope that we don’t all die in a fiery cataclysm.

The Games, as I discovered back during the Disaster Olympics of 2014, actually start before the Olympic flame is lit. I formally call bullshit on this, but then, no one actually consulted me. This year was not an exception, as NBC began coverage of a few events last night, and introduced us to our new Olympics host, Mike Tirico, a curious choice in the #MeToo era, as he got his ass suspended from ESPN for being a gross gropey groper.

But I guess Bob Costas and his Eye learned their lesson in Sochi and were like, “We’re too old for this shit. Peace out.”

Never forget.

And because I am running out of time before the Opening Ceremonies which happened yesterday this morning … somehow … I’m going to skip the recap of last night’s broadcast which was just a bunch of qualifying rounds for Team Figure Skating and the knee-busting Moguls …

Except to say, “What happened, Nathan Chen? What happened, baby? What went wrong? You’re our figure skating star this year! ‘The Quad King!’ as Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir kept insisting we all call you as if that means anything to 98% of the audience. You can’t be falling on your ass in a qualifying round like some sort of rank amateur (even though technically that’s what you are). Get it together, sweetie, and don’t be bringing home any more of these bullshit 80 scores. Momma wants 100+ or nothing.”

As for the ice dancing and mogul skiing, trust, we’ll see plenty more of both, you and I don’t need to relive every damn qualifying round. And, also, since we’re not going to be seeing the move at the 2:25 moment in this video because it’s “too sexxxxxxxy” for the Olympics:


…  why bother, really?

Instead, I’m going to close out this post with some ground rules about the Olympic coverage here at Foolish. As those of you who have been reading our Olympics coverage for the past — OH MY LORD, 10 YEARS NOW, HOW AM I SO OLD? — know, Bobby and I are a relay operation, covering the sparkly parts of the games. We like the outfits and the sexy athletes and the tear-jerking backstories about how the athlete’s entire family is blind because all 12 of them were in a tragic train accident together except for her so she skis for all of them even though they’ll never be able to see her win or whatever and the Mary Carillo packages which this year I assume will be all about kimchee and Kias and Korean face masks and naked-time spas.

What I’m saying is we’re not so much a sporty sports operation. If you’re looking for technical details and stats and insight, you’ve come to the wrong place, my friend, and may I point you in the direction of ESPN.com? Godspeed.

And some unfortunate news (for me most of all), my loyal relay partner, Bobby, he might not be around that much, if at all, this year with his signature bitchitude. Bobby’s a busy boy these days, and while I’m going to try to guilt him into taking over the slaloms for me when I have The Bachelor to deal with (PLEASE BOBBY I AM BEGGING YOU), it’s not going to be the same thing where we take turns posting. Sad emoji face here.

What that means is that to maintain my sanity, if I am going to make it across the finish line with these Olympics, I’m going to have to scale back all the other pieces on this blog, including my daily “Watch This” post and pause my late night posts until after the Games. As for The Bachelor and Real Housewives, everyone is just going to have to be patient with me, I’VE GOT 10,000 HOURS OF BOBSLEDDING AND CURLING AHEAD OF ME IN THE NEXT TWO+ WEEKS.

So, yeah, super excited about the Winter Olympics, hoping you will forgive me for not recapping last night’s events EVEN THOUGH THEY DON’T EVEN COUNT, and join me and Mary Carillo and Gropey Tirico (and Bobby if I can dig up some incriminating evidence on him and blackmail him into helping out around here) for the rest of our Korean adventure together. It should be exhausting.

The Opening Ceremonies are tonight even though some of you might have watched them this morning when they were happening yesterday. I think. I don’t know. I, for one, am looking forward to waxed Tongans and hats.


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