The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Stronger Than Ever”
December 19, 2017
Welcome back, darlings! Yes, I know, I am several weeks behind on this our 8th season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, but MAYBE THEY SHOULDN’T BEGIN AIRING IT THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS. BRAVO. GOD. I’m determined to catch up, though, so hurry up: go put on your best dick-sucking lip, some comically high heels, and the sheerest piece of tissue you have in the house and call it a dress, because it’s time to marinate in some excess wealth and a profound lack of self-awareness.
We begin this season with Erika meeting with her creative team at her “office,” burbling about how she says “yes” to everything because you have to grab every opportunity you can, especially when you are in your mid-forties and make your career performing “dance” music in thigh-high boots at Pride festivals. That’s not a gig that is going to last forever.
Also, she enjoyed Dancing with the Stars even though she didn’t win. And yes, she’s seen the Saturday Night Live parodies and she loves them.
As for Lisa Rinna, she’s decided to get into the Kris Jenner/Yolanda Hadid business and
pimp out momager her daughters as they pursue modeling careers. And both girls are unquestionably gorgeous, but why Rinna didn’t encourage the 5’6″ Delilah to go into acting rather than modeling (and Amelia at 5’9″ is still on the short side of the business, honestly), I’ll never understand. Then again, Delilah and Amelia are both signed with IMG so goes to show I’d suck at momaging.
ANYWAY, the point is, Rinna has some quack come to the house to shoot up the lot of them with intravenous vitamins because Los Angeles.
Elsewhere, Kyle meets Lisa Vanderpump for lunch where they promote the upcoming sitcom about Kyle’s childhood — American Woman, coming to the Paramount Network this June! — and for Kyle to suggest that the ladies fly to Las Vegas together to celebrate Erika, Dorit and Lisa Rinna’s birthdays. WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.
Oh, and Lisa Vanderpump complains that Erika never texts her, before VanderMocking her with, “Scratch the puss, scratch the puss …”
So, Dorit’s son is finally talking.
Dorit takes Jagger to some kids’ party being hosted by our newest Housewife, Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, daughter of John Cougar. And unlike in previous seasons with other Housewives, they don’t even give any pretense that Teddi has any sort of connection to the rest of the cast: Dorit is literally saying things like, “It’s so nice of this complete stranger to just invite me out of the blue to this toddler party!” And then the two make small talk about being parents of small children, and about horses for some reason.
Later, we learn a bit more about Teddi: She grew up in Hilton Head, South Carolina; she met her handsome husband (heads up, Mauricio, you have been replaced) Edwin on a one night stand; she has two small children; and for someone who lives in a very fancy house and has a nanny, she spends a lot of time talking about having worked for everything she has and not wanting her kids to grow up entitled brats. I mean, her father is in the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame, BUT SURE, OK, YOU’RE A SELF-MADE WONDER. Anyway, welcome to the shitshow, Teddi.
Meanwhile, Kyle visits Erika at her “office” which is really just a warehouse-sized makeup table and convinces her that this Las Vegas plan will be fun. even though last we left off with Erika and Dorit, Dorit’s husband was implying that Erika was a whore, and then lying about it. Erika is game, but notes that flying anywhere with these ladies is dangerous and that one should be sure to “pack your own chute.” Preferably in a Birkin.
As for Dorit, she and PK watched last season and realized that the interiors of their house were not up to RHOBH standards and did a bit of remodeling. As the movers bring the boxes back in, Dorit tells her Awful Husband that she is going to go to Las Vegas with Kyle, Vanderpump, This Teddi Person, Erika and Rinna, who in their last encounter at the reunion was still strongly suggesting that Dorit and PK live in a coke den. I mean, it’s Los Angeles — it would be notable if people WEREN’T doing coke in their bathroom — but they have to pretend to be outraged.
Later, Dorit meets Teddi at a bar so as to introduce her to Vanderpump, who VanderPeppers Teddi with personal questions and warns her that they won’t be able to be friends if she doesn’t have a sense of VanderHumor. Dorit then tells Teddi that they are going to Las Vegas on a birthday trip that weekend, and Teddi is all, “Actually, it’s my birthday tomorrow.” And they all squeal and Dorit and Vanderpump invite her to come on the trip as if she hadn’t already been invited when she signed her contract.
So after the requisite packing sequence, lest we think these women went on a weekend trip without bringing along 30 changes of clothes, the women, along with Camille Grammer, meet at the airport where Dorit and Erika exchange a briefly awkward hello, and everyone looks around nervously for Rinna. Turns out, Rinna is in New York City, busily momagering, but she will join them in Las Vegas that evening.
And then Dorit changes the subject by telling everyone that Teddi doesn’t enjoy shopping. The rest of the women, they are unsure what the words are coming out of Dorit’s mouth even mean.
And then they all board a private plane. During the flight, they encounter a bit of turbulence, and Kyle’s glass of champagne is knocked into her $14,000 purse and she blames it on Lisa Vanderpump for some reason. And honestly, that previous sentence is argument enough for all of these assholes to be the first people up against the wall once the revolution happens.
They arrive at the hotel, settle into their palatial rooms, and Kyle proceeds to tell Camille and Vanderpump about how the day after the reunion, she ran into Harry Hamlin on a hiking trail and he ordered her to “do something” about Kim and declared that she can never be around the other women again. Kyle responded that she can’t control her sister any more than he can control his wife, which honestly is the only response here, but she feels weird about it and thinks she needs to discuss this with Rinna, though she’d rather do any number of things, include get a root canal, pap smear and/or enema.
Finally, the ladies all get dolled up for their big night out on the town, and Erika teaches us about DSLs:
And, look, I don’t like talking shit about what other women wear. I’m opposed to slut-shaming and denigrating women’s choices, especially if something they are wearing makes them feel good.
With the exception of Kyle, Camille, and Lisa Vanderpump, everyone seems to have agreed to wear their most Lady of the Evening dress to go out. In fact, I read somewhere that Teddi’s “dress” is illegal to wear in public in 41 states.*
And then Rinna arrives and everyone is like, “omg awkward.” WELL, YOU BETTER GET OVER IT, LADIES, OR IT’S GOING TO BE A LONG SEASON BECAUSE RINNA AND THAT MOUTH OF HERS IS GOING NOWHERE.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and is perfecting her DSL.
*I did not read that anywhere.