‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Who are you people?

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Ain’t No Misbehaving”
January 3, 2017

Back from Milan, Melissa begins stocking her vanity project with some of her finds, when Folletto storms into the store and demands that she put her little purses or whatever down and come help him with Gorga’s Restaurant’s grand opening.

HE LITERALLY TELLS HER TO GET HER ASS BACK IN THE KITCHEN.

Melissa, thinking that she’s outsmarting Folletto, tells him that she is going to back off of Gorga’s Restaurant and allow him to make the decisions. She’ll work on Envy; he can work on his famiglia restaurant that he didn’t bother telling her he was planning on opening until after he bought it so clearly he doesn’t really want her input he just wanted her to stand around the restaurant to bring in Real Housewives fans and if her absence at Envy meant that her own project shuttered and failed and wouldn’t distract her from his every whim anymore so be it.

Folletto takes this well.

scream queens pouting chanel

Over at Margaret’s, she and Other Joe make party plans. It is very boring.

Later, Margaret has her ex-husband over for coffee where she cries at him because his adult children won’t talk to her anymore, and he’s like, “I mean, you’re the one who cheated on me, whaddya want me to do about it?” What Margaret wants him to do about it is convince his children to forgive the woman who left him for another man, but she agrees to settle for him telling them that she still loves them the next time he sees them. And honestly, that’s about the most she should hope for — it’s a minor miracle Ex-Husband speaks to her at all.

Teresa does a photoshoot for her upcoming book, doing yoga poses in a spangly unitard, you know, as one does. Siggy meets her there, and Teresa checks in on Siggy’s feelings about Margaret which at the moment are at a simmering, “Not Great.”

Teresa also talks about how she is planning on going to meatball prison to visit Meatball later in the week, and Siggy strongly encourages her to open up with him and be honest about her anger, and Teresa is like, “Yeah, that’s never going to happen.”

teresa shrug rhonj no

After her photoshoot, Teresa drives to Danielle’s townhome to personally apologize to Danielle’s daughters for the whole “Prostitution Whore” business which made everyone very famous in all sorts of ways.

Upon arriving, Danielle explains that her older daughter, Christine, will go to her grave thinking that Teresa is a monster who ruined her life, so she won’t be joining them. However, the younger daughter, Jillian, is here and is curious as to how Teresa is going to explain herself. Before she joins them, however, Danielle gives Teresa some actually very helpful advice about her daughter, which is that “Jillian is good at listening, but when she is speaking, she likes to be heard.” And don’t we all? Isn’t that a truism about everyone? — well, the liking to be heard part, at least? Of course, if every Housewife took that notion to heart, these shows would not exist.

Jillian joins Teresa who explains that she had a lot of time in *GASP* jail — SHE ACTUALLY SAYS “JAIL” OUT LOUD, but in a sort of hushed, definitely embarrassed way, as if somehow everyone on the planet doesn’t know that she spent a year in prison, but, hey, progress — and that she wanted to reach out to Jillian and Christina about the whole table flipping thing and answer any questions they might have.

Jillian responds that when she first learned her mother was going to yoga with Teresa, she was furious because she spent so many years being tortured by her peers for what Teresa said about her mother. Teresa, doing the math in her tiny threehead, realizes that Jillian was only 9 at the time, and — why, she has daughters who have been 9! imagine if they had been bullied! Teresa, finally feeling empathy perhaps for the first time in her life¬† *DOUBLE GASP* takes full responsibility and apologizes.

who the fuck are you birdman

As for Dolores, she and Quadricep take Quadricep Jr. to go wander around his future college and grunt monosyllabically at one another. It is very boring.

Later, Dolores and Quadricep take the dogs out for a walk while Quadricep asks her probing questions about Dr. Boyfriend and how he’s never around, and expresses regret that he didn’t appreciate her while they were married. She excuses it away, saying that he just wasn’t ready for marriage at the time, instead of telling him that HE SHOULD HAVE GROWN THE FUCK UP SEEING AS THEY HAD TWO BABIES. And then they both agree that they’ll never be alone because they have each other.

okay you two get a room carrie fisher .gif

As for Siggy, she has a long conversation with her father, a Holocaust survivor, about Margaret’s Hitler comment, basically trying to get him to agree with her that it was anti-Semitic. Instead, Mr. Siggy Sr. is considerably more nuanced and insightful. He argues that Hitler’s name should never be invoked outside of the context of the Holocaust, because by comparing him to anything less evil than Hitler — and there is little more evil than Hitler — diminishes the horror of what he did. That said, Siggy doesn’t know what is in Margaret’s heart, and therefore she should not go around calling Margaret anti-Semitic. Furthermore, if Margaret has apologized, Siggy should accept it and move on, maybe keep her distance from Margaret in the future.

Mr. Siggy Sr. for President 2020.

Finally, the Gorga Restaurant Grand Opening. Folletto is still all bent out of shape that Melissa and Teresa are both a few minutes late, and when Melissa walks in, the Gorga fratelli start giving her unmitigated shit about being late and not caring about the restaurant and her “tone” to the point where Melissa is like, “fuck both y’all, gimme wine.”

People begin arriving, including Margaret and Senior, who is anxious to meet this Siggy person and says so to Danielle and Dolores. However, when Siggy arrives and is chatting with Dolores, and Dolores mentions that Senior, who is adorable, is at the event, Siggy’s response is a chilly, “that’s nice.”

Folletto gives a toast, dedicating the restaurant to his dead madre, which makes Melissa feel guilty that she didn’t participate in his vanity project or some shit, and she promises to help more.

rupaul eyeroll

Meanwhile, Danielle decides to make some trouble by approaching Siggy and telling her to come meet Senior. And Siggy, who for some mysterious reason has completely lost her ability to be a decent human being this season, refuses. Just flat refuses! Just, “NOPE. I AM INCAPABLE OF SAYING HELLO TO ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.” And, in fact, announces that she knows an ambush when she sees one, and marches out of the restaurant like an asshole.

Honestly, you guys, what happened to Siggy this season? She came on this series as a relationship expert and voice of reason, and is leaving it a complete pazza. Is it this what happens when you spend too much time around Teresa? Is Teresa some sort of emotional vampira who sucks all the reasonable out of everyone around her?

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST and likes to be heard.

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