‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: A taste issue

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Not Over It”
November 1, 2017

As with any episode of any Real Housewives of Whatever, we spend the first twenty minutes of the episode rehashing what happened in the last five minutes of the last episode. However, in this episode, our recapper is some woman named Jodi who works with Margaret whom we’ve never met before. Apparently, this stranger was at Siggy’s purse party? And not only saw Siggy bring the party to a screeching halt to humiliate Melissa and then lie on the floor like a damn pazza, but somehow, improbably — impossibly — she also knew the details of the fight that took place outside between Dolores and Danielle?

pug-baroo
But how?

Also, Margaret just returned from Las Vegas from a shoe show or something. Don’t know, don’t care.

Over at Dolores’, the Franks strip down to their natural state — tank tops — and are gluing a stool together (?) when Dolores returns from dinner with her “boyfriend,” who sent her home with steaks for the Franks.

sure jan

After a brief conversation about whether Dolores is going to marry this supposed “boyfriend,” Dolores explains that she’s not ready for either Frank or herself to marry someone else because that would mean that her marriage to Frank is really, for reals, totally over.

And look, this is the kind of thing that makes people raise an eyebrow when it comes to Dolores’ relationship with Frank. I actually have a good friend whose ex-husband has moved in with her temporarily following Hurricane Harvey. It’s weird, but it also makes a certain sense. But what she doesn’t do is go around saying is that if one of them were to marry someone else, then their marriage would “really” be over and she’s not ready for such a big step, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE WEIRD AND UNHEALTHY.

Anyway, after Dolores bitches about Teresa believing Danielle when she told her the thing about Dolores saying she was greedy, Frank #1 tells her to be patient, that Teresa will never apologize, but she will come back around to Dolores. Frank #1 is clearly a fan of RHONJ because that is just a very accurate assessment of Teresa and her pathologies.

Over at the ristorante di famiglia, Folletto, Melissa and Teresa hang a new sign and a bunch of famiglia photographs, including old wedding photos of their genitori and a photo of Melissa and Folletto in which she’s laughing and he’s covering his face. It’s a fun charming professional photo and Teresa HATES it. “Why are yous hanging this picture? Your mouth looks big!” Teresa whinges at Melissa, “Yous can’t see his face! It’s all about yous! He’s a Gorga! You’re only a Gorga by injection!”

I pause here to note that Teresa literally said that. “You’re only a Gorga BY INJECTION.” I could not possibly make that up on my own.

As Melissa, understandably furious, storms out, Folletto reminds Teresa that Melissa is HIS WIFE and warns her that she needs to straighten this merda out.

Later, Teresa takes Gabagool shopping for a new bathing suit — which for a 16-year-old girl is the literal definition of hell. I worry that when my time arrives, I will find myself spending eternity as a teenager wandering around a Macy’s while my mother pulls bathing suits off the sale rack for me, growing increasingly cranky as I reject each ugly one.

Demonstrating for the 3,000th time on this series that she is the actual adult in this relationship, Gabagool refuses the revealing bikinis her mother chooses for her before lecturing her mother that she needs to discipline her younger sisters more. In response, Teresa calls Gabagool hormonal. FUN SHOPPING WITH YOUS, MA.

gia it was torture rhonj upset crying

Over in Siggy’s world, she has dinner with her parents to whom she tries to whine that her son might want to go to college across the country, and her mom is like, “Cool story. Hey, remember that time when you were in high school and you demanded that I fly you — alone — to live on a different continent — alone — AND I DID?”

Later, Siggy and Mr. Siggy have an anniversary dinner where Mr. Siggy once again tries to convince her to scale back her workload. “Instead,” says Siggy, “I’m planning to do bimonthly overnight retreats with sad ladies. Because apparently there are some dummies who will pay money to spend the night with me, can you imagine? Cheers!”

Melissa and Folletto swing by Teresa’s house where they open a bottle of wine and Teresa apologizes to Melissa for being a dumb jerk but adds she’s still incazzato that Melissa told her that she needs to discipline her kids more. “BUT YOUS DO,” says Folletto to Teresa’s irritation.

Margaret has a shoe meeting. It is boring. The only reason to air this shoe meeting is for Margaret to agree to go to Milan to look at shoes thus establishing what this season’s big trip is going to be.

arya shrug.gif

Finally, Folletto, Melissa, and Teresa host a tasting at the restaurant for the cast — and the cast only — which is just an engraved invitation for shenanigans. HOPE YOUS STOCKED UP ON THE THROWING WINE, GORGAS.

dfwan-dfwine

Margaret arrives first only to have Nonno Gorga make some gross comments about her blonde hair. And you know exactly what I mean.

Siggy and Mr. Siggy arrive next, and Siggy tries to make nice talk with Margaret, asking her about her shoe show, or whatever. When Danielle arrives, Teresa tries to make trouble by asking Siggy what the deal is with Frank living with Dolores, and Margaret shrugs that if it works for them, who cares? They’re happy, they have great kids, whose business is it if they are living together? And Siggy finds herself shocked but delighted that Margaret is defending Dolores.

But that’s when Danielle demands to know if Teresa believes her claim that Dolores said all she cares about is money. Teresa is like, “On the one hand, I’ve known Dolores for more than 20 years; on the other hand you and I have a long history of animosity and since you’ve just returned to the show you need a way to make yourself relevant and a good way to do that would be to change our narrative from ‘enemies to surprise BFFs’ and to get there you might have cozied up to me in a vulnerable moment, but by being friends with me you needed to find a new antagonist, someone with whom you could have a season-long feud and Dolores seemed like as good a target as any, and by dragging me into it you could prove your supposed loyalty to me. So, yeah, I don’t know what to think?”

Siggy wonders why on earth Dolores would discuss Teresa with her of all people (an excellent point) but Margaret wonders what Danielle has to gain by lying. In response, Siggy is OUTRAGED that Margaret’s loyalty to Dolores LASTED ALL OF TWO SECONDS. Which, calm down, crazy: Margaret might be wrong to trust Danielle, but she owes Dolores exactly fuckall% loyalty.

Fortunately, pasta begins coming out of the kitchen and Siggy makes one suggestion to Melissa: sharper knives so that she can give Margaret one to stab her in the back some more.

bethenny-okay-alright-rhony-resigned

And that’s when Dolores and Frank walk in. Dolores gives Margaret a dead fish handshake, doesn’t acknowledge Danielle, and hurries over to Siggy’s side, where Melissa is expressing her surprise at Siggy’s anger with Margaret. Didn’t they make up? Didn’t they just make nice?

Siggy insists that she is still SO MAD Margaret did not include her for Teresa’s mother’s memorial, but instead of someone saying, “well, I guess you should have joined us for yoga that morning instead of pouting with Dolores about a fucking cake, but also, too, IT WASN’T ABOUT YOU, YOU GOD DAMNED NARCISSIST, IT WAS ABOUT TERESA.” Instead of saying that, Melissa asks Siggy to give Margaret a break, the memorial came from a place of kindness.

THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR SIGGY. MELISSA GIVES EVERYONE A PASS EXCEPT FOR SIGGY WHO APPARENTLY IS NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FEEEEEEEEEEELINGS. At this point Siggy is just screaming, so everyone, including Margaret, comes over to join the conversation. Margaret can’t believe that Siggy is still rehashing this nonsense, and urges her to get over it, SHE’S FIFTY.

i like to kick and stretch.gif

In response, Siggy sticks her tongue out at Margaret, and screams at her that she is the “UGLIEST HUMAN BEING IN THE WORLD FOR MAKING FUN OF [HER].”

calm the fuck down hotwives of orlando

With that, Siggy announces she’s leaving, but not before shimmying her boobs at Margaret’s back because ok.

But before Siggy and Dolores can make it out the door, Danielle remembers that she’s supposed to start a fight with Dolores, and yells after her to ask where her “boyfriend” is. Does he even exist? Do he and Dolores and Frank all live together? How does that work? Dolores yells back that it’s NOT DANIELLE’S FUCKING BUSINESS before Teresa can pull Dolores away. But hey! No tables were flipped, no wine was tossed, no punches were thrown, no one’s weave was ripped out, no one is going to meatball jail, so I ‘m going to count the tasting as a wild success. Yay, pasta.

eat pasta and chill out melissa rhonj.gif

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Wednesdays on Bravo at 8/9 CST.

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