Bachelor in Paradise
September 5, 2017
We begin this — ONLY HOUR-LONG EPISODE, ALABAR JORGE, EL ÚNICO Y VERDADERO CAMARERO EN BACHELOR EN PARADISE — with the arrival of another woman, Ballsy, better known to Bachelor fans as that one chick who is bisexual, but whom I remember for being a chef in New Orleans and not once bringing it up. Why hide your light under a bushel, boo?
So she comes in with a date card and everyone is like, “OOOOO IS SHE GOING TO ASK OUT A GIRL CUZ SHE MIGHT,” when we all know damn good and well she is not going to ask out a woman, quit being foolish. The Bachelorette may have just had their first Black Bachelorette, which is great and groundbreaking and all, but we have got a long ways to go before this retrograde nonsense is ready to explore same-sex relationships except in a tittering or exploitative way.
Ballsy asks Diggy to join her on her boring date into town to eat lunch, and he happily agrees because ANY EXCUSE TO GET AWAY FROM THIS RUM AND CHLAMYDIA-SOAKED HELLHOLE ALREADY.
Meanwhile, Chipotle spends the next fifteen minutes of the show FREAKING COMPLETELY OUT, even though she had absolutely no hesitation in accepting Old Classmate’s date two days earlier.
Also arriving into Paradise: the Twins.
These two arrive in Paradise with everyone pretty much happily paired up and armed with literally the last date card. But that doesn’t stop these dummies from having Ideas about who they are going to ask out: Twin #2 is ONLY interested in Charlie Brown’s Teacher and Twin #1 is ONLY interested in Kewpie Doll.
Upon entering Paradise, The Twins are immediately set straight by Token Single Mom: Charlie Brown’s Teacher is practically married to Taylor with the Smart Friends, and Kewpie has been involved in a nightmare love triangle for weeks now, so maybe they should set their sights on guys who are more available, like Tickle Monster and that serial killer, JACK STONE!
Side note: before The Twins actually ask anyone out on their dates, we pad the episode with these facts, fact which you will probably never forget for the rest of your life:
- The Twins think scallops are a vegetable — sprouts, specifically
- The Twins agree that Twin #2 has the better vagina
- The Twins also agree that Twin #1 has the better “butthole”
IF I HAVE TO KNOW THESE THINGS, SO DO YOU.
So Twin #2 is easily convinced to leave Charlie Brown’s Teacher alone and asks out JACK STONE! who agrees to join her. But Twin #1 IS NOT HAVING IT, and corners a terrified Kewpie Doll on one of those beach beds where she shrieks at him that HE WILL GO ON THIS DATE WITH HER and SHE IS NOT TAKING NO FOR AN ANSWER.
Kewpie says no.
But Twin #1 is not deterred and decides that if she can convince Boobs McGee to say it is ok for Kewpie to go on the date, he will have no choice. Which is definitely the way dating works: if the person you are dating tells a third party that you are free to date them, YOU MUST DATE THEM. It’s the law.
So Twin #1 makes her case to Boobs McGee: she doesn’t care that Boobs and Kewpie have a weird thing going on, she wants to date him, does she have Boob’s permission?
Twin #1: “So I’ll take that as a yes!”
Twin #1 returns to Kewpie to deliver the good news: that he has Boobs’ permission to go out with her, but to his only very marginal credit, Kewpie manages to not think with his dick this time and tells her she needs to stop.
Twin #1 pouts that Boobs McGee is hot, “if you enjoy talking to a wall,” (ACCURATE) and resigns herself to dating Tickle Monster. “BUT IF THAT FUCKER TOUCHES ME, I WILL DROP HIM.”
Wait, oh my God, have I been underestimating the Twins this entire time?
But then they confuse a Yellow-Crowned Night Heron for a penguin, so, no.
Finally, it’s time for The Twins’ double date with JACK STONE! and Tickle Monster, except as they are literally preparing to leave Paradise, JACK STONE!, this shitnugget, he decides that he doesn’t want to go on the date after all because he doesn’t think it’s right to leave Scallop Fingers alone for the evening.
The Twins respond pretty much exactly how I would: by flipping off all of Paradise, storming out and then throwing a plate of scallops back into the compound.
They will forever be my heroes.
Bachelor in Paradise airs at 7/8 p.m. on Monday and Tuesday nights. It is slowly killing my will to live.