Bachelor in Paradise
August 22, 2017
Another episode, another new arrival: Runner-Up from This Asshole’s season, who was not actually This Asshole’s runner-up (or even his 15th runner-up). JACK STONE! says he’s not surprised to see Runner-Up in Paradise because he’s a psychic.
Orrrrr, maybe he isn’t surprised to see her in Paradise BECAUSE SHE WAS THERE WITH HIM AT THE AIRPORT TWO WEEKS EARLIER, BEING SENT HOME.
ANYWAY. Runner-up arrives with a date card and her sights set on Doll Daddy, whom she also met in Dallas during the filming hiatus while she was hanging out with SOOEY! I’m telling you, these people live in some sort of parallel universe that is entirely populated with Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants — sort of like the wizarding world in Harry Potter, where it exists in complement to our world, but we muggles can’t see it for all the spray tanner and chest wax.
SOOEY! explains that she saw Doll Daddy and Runner-Up cuddling in Dallas, so she tries to avert the inevitable by saying that Runner-Up “100% … has [her] blessing” to take Doll Daddy out. Buuuuuuut, has she ever considered giving Franz a chance? He has a dog! She should ask him about his dog!
Instead, Runner-Up asks Doll Daddy out on her date, and he’s more than happy to join her. SOOEY! who? But the only thing of note that happens on their date is the moment Doll Daddy calls Runner-Up “Rachel” by accident. LOL, SOUNDS LIKE TRUE LOVE, GUYS.
Also receiving a date card, Cameltoe, who invites Diggy to join her after all the other men she asks on the date all tell her they only think of her as a friend.
For their date, Jorge leads Diggy and Cameltoe to a secret beach, pointing out the spot where his parents conceived Baby Jorge, so that’s … a thing. They drink champagne, frolick in the ocean, pretend there’s something there. There’s not much there.
And there’s no time to bask in the sorta-glow of a tepidly romantic date, because the moment they return, the next contestant arrives: Chipotle, and she is interested in Diggy.
Taylor, Chipotle’s best friend from This Asshole’s season, actively encourages Chipotle to ask Diggy out — not that it took too much encouragement.
Diggy happily accepts to Cameltoe’s fury and disappointment, all of which she directs at Taylor, and not Diggy who just runs as fast as he possibly can out of Paradise to go eat strawberries and sushi with Chipotle and make weird comments about her nose ring.
Meanwhile, back in Paradise, Nurse Boring and All-4-Wells make one of those dumb pacts that you only see in lazy romantic comedies that five years from now, in the event that neither of them has found true love, they will marry each other; a move that was clearly setting up the totally predictable All-4-Wells/Nurse Boring forbidden relationship storyline. In fact, in hindsight, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the Producers wanted to bring All-4-Wells back as a contestant, but he was only interested in one potential
In fact, in hindsight, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that the Producers wanted to bring All-4-Wells back as a contestant, but he was only interested in one potential Paradiser — Nurse Boring, with whom he had gone on a date or two back in Nashville. To shield him from being poached by one of the other women, the show brought him back as “the bartender” who is “not here to date,” but in reality is explicitly here to date Nurse Boring.
But in a plot twist that they did not adequately prepare us for, Nurse Boring announces that she is leaving Paradise to go work with African orphans.
While Nurse Boring says her goodbyes to everyone in Paradise, all I can focus on are the stupid little arm bands that go along with her off-the-shoulder sleeveless blouse, wondering what they are called, and thinking about how she had to make the decision to put those on when she got dressed. The whole point of wearing a sleeveless blouse is that it doesn’t have sleeves and yet you chose to put on those dumb little arm bands, armlets? arm garters? sleevelets? when you got dressed? You had to actively make that decision!
And this is a perfect example of why I have an express ticket to Hell: as Nurse Boring prepares to leave a Mexican vacation that she is being paid to enjoy to go work with African orphans, all I can think about is what an asshole she is for wearing those dumb little sleevelets.
Note: she is not actually an asshole, I am the asshole.
Anyway, the whole point of this is that on her way out, she stops by the bar to say goodbye to All-4-Wells, who asks to walk her out to the ¡Vamanos Ahora! van. There, All-4-Wells plants on her a passionate goodbye kiss, leaving Nurse Boring completely flustered as she drives off to the airport.
The last worthless thirty minutes of the show are spent in the Bachelor studio talking to SOOEY! Warrior Dancer, Charlie Brown’s Teacher, Diggy, and Fun Robby where they spend 10 minutes patting themselves on the back for supporting both CorWin and DeMariOhNo.
Next, Carly and Boner are dragged out to announce that Carly is pregnant, and to ultrasound her just to have the technician announce that the pregnancy is too early to determine the sex of the baby. So great use of everyone’s time, guys! We have definitively confirmed that the pregnant Carly is, in fact, pregnant with a human fetus, hooray.
Finally, the event ABC has been promoting for a week: an interview with DeMariOhNo. What we learn: DeMariOhNo didn’t even realize anything had gone sideways, up to and after he was sent home. When he finally did learn what all the hubbub was about, he felt guilty for shutting down Paradise, but still didn’t quite understand what a nightmare he was up against. But then the crazy started and there were all sorts of flat-out awful and false stories accusing him of doing horrific, illegal things.
It was a rough month for DeMariOhNo, especially having to watch how the terrible stories broke his mother’s heart. DeMariOhNo begins crying when thinking about his poor mother but pulls himself together enough to thank his castmates for supporting him and to say that he wishes he could speak to CorWin because, despite everything he’s been through, he knows that what she has experienced has been worse.
And that’s when DeMariOhNo earned my respect: CorWin had put out a maddeningly vague statement about being a “victim,” which seemed to place the blame for whatever happened in DeMariOhNo’s lap. But in response, he managed to be empathetic towards CorWin rather than angry. So, good for you, DeMariOhNo. Now, please, for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, never ever ever appear on another reality television show ever again ever for your own well-being.
Bachelor in Paradise airs at 7/8 p.m. on Monday and Tuesday nights FOR TWO HOURS. TWO! EACH NIGHT!