“The Men Tell All”
July 31, 2017
Hey, it’s already “Tell All” time, a two-hour clip show that is billed as an airing of grievances for the men who never ever ever had a chance to win this thing before they are hurried off back to irrelevance or Bachelor in Paradise.
Before we get started, though, a question: why don’t the Bachelorettes ever get to ride around in a party bus with Chris Harrison and do “surprise” visits to “viewing parties” in “Bachelor Nation”? Not that I’m complaining — I actually think that it’s a complete waste of everyone’s time when they do it with the Bachelor on the “Women Tell All” special. But why don’t the Bachelorettes receive the same opportunity to make awkward small talk with fans who care waaaaaaay too much about this nonsense? So, instead of having Rachel drop by sorority houses and the apartment of that one sad art teacher you had in high school, we begin the episode with a montage of … other “Men Tell All” specials?
Listen, I am not here arguing that this time would have been better spent wandering around the L.A. suburbs in a sad party bus with Chris Harrison looking for other people to assuage the gnawing empty feeling that the past few months have all been a pointless waste of everyone’s time. Instead, how about we just cut this whole exercise down to 90 minutes instead of a full two-life-sucking hours?
Chris Harrison says that they have brought back all of the men Rachel eliminated, but, actually, the only men joining us are Mike Pence, Diggy, Drummer Boy, Drama Mama, Mr. Serious, Whaboom, Old Classmate, DeMariohno, Golden Showers, Tickle Monster, Racist Little Turd, JACK STONE! Josiah, Esq., Urkel, Penguin, Prettyboy Pitbull, Doll Daddy and Kewpie.
They don’t bring back Dr. Grant, or The One Who Should Not Have Been Sent Home, or Mo, or Fireman Bryce, or Captain Literal, or Brownies, or Weird Eyebrows, or Pink Tie, or Houston Law student, or Jamaican Buns.
We begin with the obligatory montage of the first three-quarters of the season, ending with the fight between Prettyboy Pitbull and that Racist Little turd, and the studio audience begins chanting, “KENNY! KENNY! KENNY!” And if he had any doubts before, this should firmly cement for Racist Little Turd that he’s going to have a long night.
But before we light those torches, first we revisit Drummer Boy and Whaboom’s obsession with each other. As the two rekindle their simmering chemistry, the other men sigh heavily and note that instead of “Whaboom” it should have been “Whabye.”
Now let us never utter the word “WHABOOM” again, forever and ever, amen.
We move on to DeMariohno and the issue of his secret girlfriend. First, DeMariohno is all, “She’s just some random girl who called in and claimed she was my girlfriend. There’s no ‘physical proof.’ By this logic, I could be Beyonce’s boyfriend.” Chris Harrison points out that the woman had texts from him, which DeMariohno tries to dismiss by saying that he “texts everyone,” and that there is no “ocular proof,” which is a roundabout and hilarious way to say that they don’t have any photos of DeMariohno and this woman together.
DeMariohno, in an attempt to completely alienate the almost entirely female audience, then calls the woman a “side chick,” and the only reason he’s not come after with pitchforks and torches is that the audience is saving their lighter fluid for that Racist Little Turd.
And they are coming, Racist Little Turd. They are coming.
Chris Harrison turns his attention to the resident shit-stirrer, Drama Mama, who insists that he had a responsibility to make trouble for the other men by constantly whispering in Rachel’s ear about them.
While Drama Mama tries to justify being a jerk about Josiah, Esq., Whaboom (I thought we agreed we weren’t going to use that word again?) interjects that Drama Mama is a “joke.” And literally all of the men are like, “Dude, no, you don’t get to call anyone that, like ever.”
We then move on to what we are all here for:
Rachel Prettyboy Pitbull vs. Racist Little Turd. Prettyboy explains that the heart of the problem with Racist Little Turd is that when they first arrived on the show, the men agreed to play a gentlemanly game and respect one another, but that Racist Little Turd threw all of that out the window somewhere along the line.
The other men then chime in: Urkel didn’t appreciate how their arguing distracted from his time with Rachel; Kewpie points out that Prettyboy is one of the most well-liked guys in the house and it was clear who was in the right and who was in the wrong; Doll Daddy mentions that Racist Little Turd tried — but was not successful — in provoking Prettyboy Pitbull in South Carolina, and that he was baffled when he heard Racist Little Turd tell Rachel that Prettyboy pulled him out of a van; DeMariohno, trying to set fire to any remaining goodwill he might have with anyone, defends Racist Little Turd as being a “genuine wholesome great guy”; Urkel chimes back in to say that it seems like Racist Little Turd is two different people — the guy he initially met, and then the guy who posts shitty racist things on the internet.
At this, Prettyboy pipes in to argue that whatever motivated Racist Little Turd to be so fucking awful towards him, it definitely, for sure, wasn’t racism.
Prettyboy then joins Chris Harrison in the proverbial “hot seat” where he claims that things started off well with Racist Little Turd, and he assumed they were friends. But then things escalated. Quickly. Prettyboy goes on to say if the younger, more hotheaded Prettyboy had been on the show, the situation would have been handled very differently and there would have been two fewer bachelors, very fast. But Racist Little Turd has the fact that Prettyboy is a father now to thank for not currently being in traction.
Chris Harrison asks the other men if Prettyboy was ever aggressive, and they all emphatically insist that he never was. Chris Harrison notes that Prettyboy took the high road a lot, prompting Racist Little Turd to say something for the first time all night. Racist Little Turd agrees that Prettyboy never pulled him out of a van (“YEAH, NO SHIT, I KNOW, I WAS THERE,” responds Prettyboy) and he agrees that Prettyboy took the high road and he should have, too. And for that, Racist Little Turd apologizes, and for that the audience applauds.
“OK, yeah, great, but I’m going to step on your applause for a minute,” Prettyboy, my hero, declares. “Because you kept saying in your interviews that you were there to ruffle feathers and that you took delight in getting under people’s skin. Everyone here was looking for love with Rachel; you were looking to screw with other dudes, so you can take your apology and shove it.”
And then Chris Harrison brings Prettyboy’s adorable daughter out and she is adorable and Prettyboy is even more adorable when he gets all choked up about how adorable she is and it’s all very adorable, make him the next Bachelor, the end.
Then it’s Racist Little Turd’s turn in the hot seat, so named because it was warmed up by the audience and the other men thusly:
Get comfy, Turd.
Racist Little Turd starts off by saying that really the problem is that he is facetious and makes jokes when he’s uncomfortable. But don’t worry, Chris Harrison, because Racist Little Turd has learned a lot about himself through this entire process. OK, great talk, can he go home now?
Instead, Chris Harrison throws him to the wolves sitting across from him on the barstools. Prettyboy wonders if Racist Little Turd was his “authentic self” on the series; Diggy rants that he was eliminated in favor of this turd; Kewpie points out that while Racist Little Turd is acting all contrite right now, while the season was airing, Racist Little Turd was encouraging people on Instagram to watch him be a little turd. So.
And then it’s “Let’s Read This Racist Little Turd’s Racist and Sexist Tweets” time.
Chris Harrison pulls up three tweets:
“Women were meant to hang around for a few seconds these days, dogs are meant to stick around. Get a dog, boys. Get a dog.”
“Guys… When is the last time you actually saw a pretty feminist? There is a reason for this.”
“What’s the difference between the NAACP and the KKK? One has a sense of shame to cover their racist ass faces.”
But there were more, so many many more that they could have worked with:
“I have a lot to learn, Chris Harrison,” this racist little turd tries to say.
But the Black bachelors are. not. having. it.
Josiah, Esq. goes so far to join Racist Little Turd on the “hot seat” where he asks him why, if he was tweeting out messages comparing the NACCP — an organization that had members fight and die so that Josiah could be on the stage next to him — to the KKK, WHY WOULD HE WANT TO BE ON A SHOW WHERE HE WOULD DATE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN WOMAN?
Racist Little Turd says that he “doesn’t like racism at all.”
Well then! I guess we’re all done here!
Except, no, of course we are not. The other men demand to know when, exactly, Racist Little Turd denounced these racist comments, seeing how he doesn’t like racism at all. And this Racist Little Turd tries to claim that the tweet was taken out of context, that it was a Facebook post that was cut in half, and, presumably, if they had the other half of the Facebook post, you’d see that in reality he is practically a civil rights leader.
DeMariohno is beside himself, and tells this Racist Little Turd that comparing the NAACP to the KKK is not just disrespectful, it’s blasphemy and he would very much like to give Racist Little Turd a history lesson because THAT’S STUPID.
And then Mr. Serious stands up, tells Racist Little Turd that he doesn’t think he’s a bad person, but that he might have some internalized racism. And so the question is, was his behavior towards Eric the Good Dancer, towards Mr. Serious, towards Prettyboy Pitbull, was that nasty-ass behavior actually motivated by this internalized racism that he probably isn’t aware of harboring, you know, seeing as it is internalized?
Racist Little Turd mumbles some meaningless little platitude about needing to learn, but the men are all like, “NOPE. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.” It’s only when Racist Little Turd says, “that tweet was racist and I denounce it,” that the men finally put down their pitchforks.
Prettyboy Pitbull explains that he wants to be a better man so as to be an example for his daughter, and to that end he is willing to forgive Racist Little Turd and to do what he can to help educate him to be less of a racist and less of a little turd. And that’s when the two hug it out because Chris Harrison was not going to let anyone leave until these two hugged it out.
Next, Kewpie Doll sits next to Chris Harrison to talk about his dumping which was apparently “one of the most heartbreaking moments in Bachelorette history.”
Kewpie talks about falling in love with Rachel, how the show was actually good for his relationship with his crazyass family, and how he’s going to be on Bachelor in Paradise this season. Great interview. Glad we spent so much time on it.
Finally, Rachel comes out and tells the men that she’s missed them. Well, most of them. Some of them. One or two of them.
Asked about dumping Kewpie, Rachel claims that it was difficult and tells an incredulous Kewpie that when she told him that she was falling in love with him, it was the truth… even if she did drop him like a bad habit four days later. Sorry, but not really.
Chris Harrison asks Rachel about DeMariohno, to which her answer is “Who?”
Chris Harrison then asks her about being the first Black Bachelorette, and Rachel insists that while it had its challenges, the men never made it about race which she deeply appreciated.
Speaking of race, Prettyboy and Racist Little Turd. Rachel scolds Prettyboy for letting the Racist Little Turd distract him from their relationship. As for Racist Little Turd, Rachel breaks out her reading glasses: he was a different person when he was alone with her, but now that she’s seen him on the show, and now that she’s seen his tweets … look, she wasn’t going to “give life to” his opinions, but since she is in such a unique position as an African-American woman, she had to say something. And if he would like to exit stage left, she would be more than happy to give him a Black history lesson and a lesson on women’s rights.
Racist Little Turd apologizes to her for taking away from her experience, and notes that watching the show back, he realizes how great the other men really were. Rachel’s like, “Alright, I accept your ‘apology’ or whatever, but you didn’t need to watch the show back to know how great these men were, YOU WERE LIVING WITH THEM, YOU RACIST LITTLE TURD.”
Finally, Chris Harrison allows some of the lesser players to say their piece, including Doll Daddy who asks what she would have done differently. Rachel admits she wanted to have had more time with him and Penguin, but she feels good about not going to their hometowns and making feelings that much more intense since she knew they weren’t going to be the final guy. This of course begs the question why it is OK to go to anyone’s hometown other than the guy she knows will be the final one if she knows who the final one will be, but I digress.
Penguin adds that he thought she did the courteous thing by dumping them when she did. Rachel, who is the best, states for the record that for all the people wondering who Penguin and Doll Daddy were, she wants them to know that they were great guys, and it’s a shame that America didn’t get a chance to see the connection she had with them.
Old Classmate then HAS SOMETHING TO SAY. He notes that unlike any of the other guys, he came on the show with feelings for her already and he hoped he could have been a little part of home for her on this journey. Instead, she never gave him a chance, disqualifying him the moment he stepped out of the limo. BUT HEY, AS LONG AS SHE’S HAPPY, HE GUESSES. And then everyone gives poor Old Classmate a standing ovation for some reason.
Finally, Prettyboy Pitbull notes that they had the most mature breakup in his life, and if things don’t work out with Lengua del Amor, Eric the Good Dancer or Diastema, she knows his number.
CALL HIM, RACHEL. HE’S THE BEST, RACHEL.
And then they do bloopers, but I don’t do bloopers, the end.
Below are the men still in the running for Rachel’s affections.
The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and thinks everyone has a lot to learn.