I have so many questions about this ‘Real Housewives of Dallas’ trailer, y’all.

The Real Housewives of Dallas

This week, Bravo released the trailer for the second season of The Real Housewives of Dallas which will premiere on Bravo on Monday, August 14th. And y’all, Y’ALL! I CAN NOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS: a hot dog costume is involved.

So many questions.

  1. Does Cary know that painting animal print stripes on one’s body does not constitute a Halloween costume?
  2. Why are they fishing in that ditch?
  3. Why is everyone screaming all of the time?
  4. What happened to Tiffany and her five dollar Keith Urban impersonator boyfriend?
  5. Would dogs even eat pink dog food?
  6. Is that one new lady’s mother going to be a recurring character BECAUSE I CERTAINLY HOPE SO, I LOVE HER ALREADY SO MUCH?
  7. What is this parallel universe in which Brandi and Stephanie hate each other, and LeeAnne is hugging Brandi?
  8. Every. Single. Thing. About. This.:
    LeeAnne hot dog costume RHOD.png
  9. Is Brandi wearing a caped leotard when she is flailing around on the dance floor?
  10. Where does one get a caped leotard?
  11. Will dildos be this season’s poop?
  12. Have they not yet learned to give LeeAnne only plastic wine glasses?
  13. FLESH EATING BACTERIA? IS THAT WHAT HAPPENED TO TIFFANY?
  14. Is Socialite Heidi Dillon going to throw another goth-themed party (pleasepleaseplease)?
  15. No, really, why is LeeAnne wearing a hot dog costume, and why is everyone acting like this is normal and not screaming at LeeAnne, “WHY ARE YOU WEARING A HOT DOG COSTUME?”

You might have noticed we have two new ladies, D’Andra and Kameron.

This is D’Andra Simmons.

The Real Housewives of Dallas - Season 2

According to Bravo: “Born and raised in Dallas, D’Andra Simmons is one of the crown jewels of the social scene who comes from a wealthy family and a prominent last name. She lives in the exclusive Highland Park neighborhood with her husband Jeremy, a photojournalist and his 20-year-old son from a previous marriage. D’Andra has perfected the ability to elegantly navigate vastly different social situations – from the upper echelon world of galas and fundraisers to roughing it in Africa. Eager to take control of the family business once her mother finally retires, D’Andra struggles to face the fact that her mother might not be ready to hand over the reins.”

D’Andra’s mother does look like a real piece of work.

This is Kameron Wescott.

The Real Housewives of Dallas - Season 2

According to Bravo: “Growing up in Montecito, California, Kameron started her Texas life at Southern Methodist University where she met her husband Court Westcott, whose persistence and charm finally won her over. The Westcott name is extremely prominent in Dallas, they live in the exclusive neighborhood of Highland Park with their children, their Russian Bulldog, Chunk, and Kameron’s beloved Yorkie, Louis Vuitton.  Kameron has an obsessive love for the color pink and has made her motto ‘Blonde by birth, pink by choice.’ With her passion for dogs, she is developing an organic and natural pink dog food line. Highly respected in the charity scene, Kameron has a wide social circle that spans across Dallas, which she believes is ‘the Dallas way.’ One should never underestimate this bombshell as she often uses the blonde card to her own advantage.”

OK, a lot to unpack here. First of all, I can find no evidence that a “Russian Bulldog” is a breed; what kind of asshole has a “motto”?; and how can a dog food simultaneously be “natural” and pink?

Two lagniappes for you because we’re friends: I’ve uploaded all of last season’s recaps so you can refresh your memory of all the poop-filled adventures from last year; and Bravo has provided us this completely uneventful “first look” at this new season in which the ladies hiss at one another while wearing ridiculous Halloween makeup:

Alright, go get your hot dog costume dry cleaned and I’ll meet you back here in a month.

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