‘The Bachelorette’: A disingenuine snake in the grass

The Bachelorette
June 26, 2017

Oh yay it’s the part of the season where ABC crams two episodes of The Bachelorette into one week in part because the NBA finals preempted the show a couple of weeks ago and in part just because ABC wants to test me. So thanks, Lebron James, for being just good enough to drag the NBA finals out to a fifth game but not good enough to actually beat the Warriors, you just ruined my week.

We begin the first of this week’s two episodes (SEND HELP) where we left off with last week’s episode, with PrettyBoy Pitbull demanding to speak to that Racist Little Turd — or “Alternative Facts Piece of Garbage” as PrettyBoy calls him, making me love him even more.

rupaul-blow-kiss-love

Once alone, PrettyBoy calmly explains to the Racist Little Turd that he understands that Racist Little Turd is trying to fill Rachel’s head with nonsense about PrettyBoy being violent and aggressive, and that PrettyBoy who once thought Racist Little Turd was a friend now knows that Racist Little Turd is a “disingenuine” snake. Look, sometimes you just have to make up words.

Racist Little Turd tries to provoke PrettyBoy by sarcastically noting how calm PrettyBoy is, adding that he wasn’t able to keep this calm the other night. But PrettyBoy is onto the Racist Little Turd, and calls him a “dime store psychologist.”

jon stewart kiss delicious perfect.gif

And even when the Racist Little Turd calls PrettyBoy a “stack of bleeding muscle,” PrettyBoy keeps his cool, tells Racist Little Turd that he knows he’s just trying to provoke him, and waves goodbye to “snakey” as he runs back inside.

Meanwhile, inside, Rachel chats with Lengua del Amor, and by “chats with,” I mean amors on his lengua. So it’s absolutely no surprise when she offers Lengua del Amor the date rose.

However, things become more interesting after Rachel leaves and PrettyBoy congratulates Lengua for winning the rose the “right” way and not being a “bitch-ass dude,” RACIST LITTLE TURD. PrettyBoy then whispers — no aggression in that! — that Racist Little Turd is a bitch, and the reason we know that Racist Little Turd is definitely a bitch is that all the other guys are like, “PrettyBoy isn’t wrong, Racist Little Turd is totally a bitch.”

The next day, Rachel goes on her 1-on-1 date with JACK STONE!, explaining that on paper JACK STONE! is a perfect match: he is also a Dallas lawyer in his 30s, but that they have not made a connection yet.

Maybe because JACK STONE! is constantly making this face:

jack stone is a creep.gif
STOP DOING THAT IT IS SO CREEPY YOU CREEP

The pair go to an oyster shucking/shag dancing party? festival? contest? I don’t know, where Rachel is clearly miserable and definitely calculating just how much more time she is required to spend with this guy.

bachelorette the worst pretend jack.gif
I didn’t make this gif, but I sure wish I had.

After they awkwardly dance around for a while, JACK STONE! goes in for a kiss despite Rachel trying to prevent that very thing from happening by claiming she’s contagious with some mystery ailment that she definitely did not have when she was alone with Lengua del Amor the night before. JACK STONE! does not take the hint because of course he doesn’t.

jack stone is a creep
Just look at this guy.

That evening the pair have “dinner” where JACK STONE! begins asking Rachel weird questions about her father’s sense of humor. To get him off that bizarre topic of conversation, Rachel asks JACK STONE! where he would take her on a date in Dallas, and this weirdo begins by saying that he’d “lock the door …”

jack stone is a creep

… and they’d just “lay [sic] in bed and hang out and talk…”

jack stone is a creep

Gentlemen, a word of advice: do not threaten to lock a woman up in your house and hold her hostage in your bed. It is neither romantic nor sexy, it’s just really fucking creepy.

Also, how easy was this softball question that you completely struck out on? YOU ARE BOTH FROM DALLAS. JUST NAME A RESTAURANT IN DALLAS. ANY RESTAURANT. LEAVE OUT THE LOCKING HER UP PART AND NAME A PUBLIC RESTAURANT. THIS IS NOT HARD.

But JACK STONE!’s super creepy answer does make Rachel’s decision to not give him the date rose and send his super creepy ass back home to Dallas very easy. Get out of here, super creep.

i disgust her doll
Yeah, you do. You really, really do.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Racist Little Thug is trying to find some allies, but not having much luck. Urkel calmly explains to this Racist Little Turd that calling a black man “aggressive” has certain racial overtones, and that America has a long, dark history of labeling African-Americans “aggressive” and “violent” as a means to justify all sorts of horrors committed against them. Because Racist Little Turd is a racist little turd, he whines about PrettyBoy playing the “race card,” when, he insists, he’s “just being honest.”

i'm just saying drink

The next night, Rachel cancels the cocktail party before the rose ceremony because she does not have time for these fools.

LINE UP, FOOLS.

Rose #1: Eric the Good Dancer
Rose #2: Diastema
Rose #3: Doll Daddy
Rose #4: Urkel
Rose #5: Penguin
Rose #6: Golden Showers
Rose #7: Josiah, Esq.
Rose #8: Mr. Serious
Rose #9: PrettyBoy Pitbull
Rose #10: Racist Little Turd

Which means goodbye, Tickle Monster and Drama Mama. Tickle Monster, I hate to tell you this but you are not going to find a girl out there that “appreciates a good set of tickling,” you weirdo. As for you Drama Mama, yeah, maybe you shouldn’t have spent every single moment you had with Rachel talking shit about the other guys, maybe that wasn’t much of a strategy, you big crybaby. And in conclusion, you both need to think about your choices.

i disgust her doll

Next stop: Oslo, Norway, yay? Sure. Noryay.

Upon arriving in Oslo, the men are herded to some cafe where Rachel meets them and announces she is taking Lengua del Amor on a 1-on-1 right that moment. After they leave, Kewpie Doll suggests that Lengua probably won’t be receiving the date rose because of reasons. Oh, baby, no; have you not seen that Rachel can barely keep her panties on around that boy? You’ll be lucky if she doesn’t give him a direct pass to the Fantasy Suites on this date.

And sure enough, the date with Lengua del Amor, it goes well. They go to a very cool ski jump that affords them a nice view of the city before rappelling down from it even though there is a perfectly good elevator that works just fine and even though Rachel is wearing heels. I can’t bring myself to wear heels to a formal event and this girl is going to rappel down the side of a 187-foot ski jump in them? Go on, Badass.

That evening, Rachel and Lengua have “dinner” where she talks about her insecurities that stemmed from being a late bloomer, and Lengua responds by claiming that he was a geek in high school. OK, you two, whatthehellever. Lengua del Amor then tells Rachel that he’s falling in love with her, and she’s all, “OH HELL YES I AM GIVING YOU THE DATE ROSE. NOW GIMME THAT LENGUA.”

Back at the hotel, Eric the Good Dancer whines at Mr. Serious about how few Black contestants have received 1-on-1 dates, to which Mr. Serious reminds Eric that maybe, just maybe, Rachel is viewing the men as individuals, and not treating the Black contestants as being interchangeable. 1. What a novel thought but 2. Listen, Producers, having these candid conversations about race is commendable, but it doesn’t get you off the hook for knowingly casting a blatant racist just to stir things up. And don’t you dare tell me y’all didn’t know Racist Little Turd was a racist; there is no chance you didn’t go through all of his social media accounts before casting him AND WE ALL KNOW IT.

Speaking of that Racist Little Turd, the group date card arrives: “I’m looking for a man who is good with his hands. Doll Daddy, Kewpie, Mr. Serious, Diastema, Penguin, Urkel, Golden Showers, Eric the Good Dancer, and Josiah, Esq.”

Which means, PrettyBoy Pitbull and our Racist Little Turd will be going on the dreaded 2-on-1 date.

obviously.gif

I’m not saying that they cast Racist Little Turd with express intention to put him on the 2-on-1 date with whichever Black contestant he would inevitably infuriate …. wait, no, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING, SHOW. I SEE YOU.

As for the group date, Rachel has the men play handball in silly unitards and this dum-dum wears his jockstrap outside of his clothes.

dean jock strap handball.gif

Anyway, they play the game. Diastema picks Rachel up and carries her around, getting a “handful of ass” in the process according to Josiah, Esq.; Josiah, Esq. compares his hand-size favorably to Donald Trump’s; Urkel eventually single-handedly takes control of the game; and that GOD DAMNED DOLL IS STILL HANGING AROUND.

creepy doll handball edition.JPG
Christ.

That evening at the cocktail party, Rachel has an exceptionally good series of conversations with the men because, in large part, neither Drama Mama nor Racist Little Turd are there to whine to her about how the Black guys are making them uncomfortable.

Urkel opens up to Rachel about being a guarded person and having been dumped recently; Golden Showers reads to her a pointless letter he wrote; and out of nowhere, she takes Diastema to a previously undisclosed hot tub where she makes out with him while the other men twiddle their thumbs in the next room.

I have questions:

  1. Where did the hot tub come from?
  2. Was everyone told to bring their bathing suits?
  3. What did the other men think was going on?
  4. How long were they in there for?
  5. Do all dates have a secret hot tub and Rachel is just the only one to take advantage of it like this? I mean, I know the show is famous for hot tub action, but this is the first time I can think of where the hot tub wasn’t an obvious part of the date and was just sort of mentioned out of nowhere without an explanation.

The only man to receive pushback from Rachel is Josiah, Esq., who tries to be slick with her and claims that he has a feeling that he is going to marry her. Rachel, however, points out that while Josiah seems to know a lot about her, he never asks her anything about herself. What’s the deal? Josiah, Esq. seems taken aback before calling her “perceptive.” Dude, she’s an attorney, it’s her job to be perceptive.

But also, another word of advice for my Gentlemen friends: Women notice when you don’t ask us questions about ourselves. And I’m not just speaking about in romantic situations, I mean this in the most general terms. I can not tell you how many times I have walked away from conversations with men in which I asked all of the questions and they demonstrated absolutely no interest in learning anything about me as a person. Let me assure you, you are not that fascinating. You really aren’t. Memorize a few simple questions to ask people when you meet them for the first time and the way people perceive you will improve immediately. /EtiquetteLesson

Despite spending an hour straddling Diastema in a hot tub, Rachel gives Urkel the date rose, causing Diastema to QUESTION EVERYTHING.

calm down beyonce

Finally, the Saga of PrettyBoy Pitbull and Racist Little Turd continues. While the group date is happening, the two men are left to their own devices back at the hotel. PrettyBoy spends his time FaceTiming with his daughter and crying about how much he misses her. Racist Little Turd spends his time lifting weights in jeans and cowboy boots. I can not with this turd.

The date card arrives: “PrettyBoy Pitbull and Racist Little Turd: Your fate is up in the air. Two men, one rose. One stays, one goes.” You know, in case you had no idea how the Dreaded 2-on-1 date works.

The next day, Rachel picks the two men up in a helicopter to better abandon one of them in the wilderness somewhere later. And, in fact, they do fly out to the middle of the cold, cold woods. There, Rachel takes the men aside one-by-one to try to get to the bottom of their disagreement.

First up: PrettyBoy Pitbull who is determined to not spend all of his time talking about Racist Little Turd, but instead focus on Rachel. He tells Rachel that she is a remarkable person and that she is the type of woman that he wants his daughter to emulate. He briefly notes that he did yell at the Racist Little Turd and called him a snake, but that he never laid a hand on him, and that he hopes she can see him for the man he truly is.

Rachel then sits with Racist Little Turd who tells Rachel that PrettyBoy called him a bitch and a snake and that he pulled him out of a van on one occasion. This is news to everyone and Racist Little Turd elaborates: PrettyBoy had been drinking and he marched up to the van Racist Little Turd was in and yelled ” is that bitch in the van” before pulling him out of it. Whatever happened after this supposed incident is not disclosed as Racist Little Turd begins concern trolling that PrettyBoy has a “dark side” that comes out when he drinks and that PrettyBoy told Racist Little Turd that he hates it about himself and tries to keep it in check.

Rachel, unsure who to believe at this point — even though this is a reality show and even though everything is taped (just ask CorWinn and DeMario) and even though if one contestant did put his hands on another that contestant would be sent home IMMEDIATELY and it really shouldn’t be all that hard to determine who is telling the truth here — asks PrettyBoy to speak alone again. She reveals what Racist Little Turd accused him of, that he was very violent and aggressive and that he pulled Racist Little Turd out of some van. PrettyBoy is shocked by this and assures Rachel that he is not violent, that is not how he handles things.

He then returns to where Racist Little Turd is waiting, and PrettyBoy is all:

kenan-omg-face

disbelief white house new york times pres conference.gif

white guy disbelief blinking.gif

OH, SHIT, YOU IN TROUBLE NOW, YOU RACIST LITTLE TURD.

YOU.

IN.

TROUBLE.

NOW.

But it will have to wait because TO BE CONTINUED.

Below are the men who have been sent home:

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Below are the men still in the running for Rachel’s affections.

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*HalloweenCostumes.com.

The Bachelorette airs on ABC on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. and demands to know where that hot tub came from.

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