‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’: Carnie Wilson, Unexpected Voice of Reason

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Let Them Eat Cake”
February 28, 2017

Hey, you know what is super boring? Organizing your garage. You know what’s UNIMAGINABLY BORING? Watching someone else have their garage organized. And yet, here we are, watching some lady label boxes in Kyle’s garage.

BUT WHY THOUGH.

whitney-bored-whatever-over-it

Eileen seems to have pried herself away from the toilet this week, and has Erika over to rehearse not the actual lines that The Young and The Restless writers have written for her but some other lines? For something else? I don’t know. But Eileen’s Awful Husband is very encouraging of Erika, so that’s something I guess.

Over in VanderWorld, Lisa and Grandpa Ken explore the site they are leasing for Vanderpump Pets, their new shelter for rescue dogs. And oh my God, “Vanderpump Pets?” Really? VANDERPETS WAS RIGHT THERE. IT WAS RIGHT THERE FOR THE TAKING.

Anyway, Lisa and Grandpa Ken walk around the VanderSpace and then start crying about the Yulin Massacre dogs for an uncomfortably long time.

But who cares about any of that because the news of this episode is that Lisa Rinna has come to the realization that she’s not going to be able to keep lying to everyone about having said that Kim was drinking coffeewine and was near death because it was TAPED FOR THE SHOW and eventually she is going to have to come to Jesus one way or another about the whole thing “suddenly remembered” that she might have said some things about Kim that could have been taken the wrong way, but she said them in the heat of the moment … some 36 hours after Kyle’s “game night,” … and she meant everything she said in the kindest, most caring way possible. Or at least this is what she claims when she calls her husband to tell him all of this for some reason. Harry Hamlin is like, “OK, great, but I have to get back to the set now.”

baboon on phone bored.gif

Meanwhile, Kyle is hosting some sort of cheesecake tasting party for her new BFF Carnie Wilson, and she’s invited everyone, including Eden, Rinna and Kim because that combo worked out so great the last time. Carnie Wilson arrives with her business partner and her cheesecakes and a ton of reminders that she, too, has struggled with addiction issues (she is a Wilson, after all) but that she’s been clean and sober for 12 years now.

Kim arrives first, and she has brought Clare, her sponsor, along with her, I guess to prove to everyone that she is in some sort of recovery program. Kyle introduces her sister to Carnie and is like, “Hey, this fellow washed-up celebrity is sober, too, so you guys should have a lot to talk about!” They don’t actually have much to talk about.

Elsewhere, Rinna and Erika share a limo to Kyle’s, where Rinna reveals that she’s given what Eden said Rinna said a lot of thought and has come to realize that, in fact, she said what Eden said she said.

Erika:

oh-no-snl

Everyone arrives at Kyle’s, including Eileen, Dorit, Lisa Vanderpump and Eden, who tries to make small talk with Kim and Carnie Wilson, only to be shut out. “She makes my skin crawl,” Kim says about Eden, angry that Eden repeated to Lisa Vanderpump what Rinna had told her about Kim’s sobriety. Which is completely insane if you think about it for more than one second.

Rinna and Erika soon arrive, and Rinna delivers a stuffed bunny to Kim for her grandbaby. Kim is underwhelmed.

Rinna then grabs Eileen and drags her inside so that she can tell Eileen that she suddenly remembers saying all those things to Eden about Kim that she said on tape that one time, oops.

Eileen:

oh-no-snl

Around this same time, Carnie Wilson starts passing out her mini-cheesecakes on the patio, and Kyle goes inside to alert Rinna and Eileen that the cheesecake portion of the party is about to begin, only to overhear part of Rinna saying that she did say these things about her sister. But before Kyle can even react, Carnie Wilson comes inside looking for everyone, dragging them all outside to EAT SOME GODDAMNED CHEESECAKE.

But instead of eating, Rinna decides it’s time to come clean with Kim and Kyle and Sponsor Clare and Carnie Wilson and God Herself, and she tells everyone that she now remembers saying the things she said that Eden said she said. Rinna insists that she’s sorry, she just felt safe with Eden, since they both lost sisters to overdoses, and it was said in a moment of anger because Kim had been provoking her.

Dorit, who needs to stay out of it …

seth-meyers-stay-out-of-it

… demands to know what it was that Kim was doing to provoke Rinna that night, to which Rinna is like, “Girl, you were so drunk that night you can’t possibly remember, and you just need to stay out of it.” But not in so many words.

Kim, who is understandably furious, yells that the things Rinna says about her has an effect on her children, on Kyle, on her grandchild, and OH BY THE WAY, THIS IS HER SPONSOR CLARE WHO SHE BROUGHT ALONG WITH HER BECAUSE SHE KNEW SHE WOULD NEED THE SUPPORT. Kim is also VERY FURIOUS with everyone repeating what Rinna said — THAT MEANS YOU, EDEN AND VANDERPUMP. Lisa Vanderpump tries to protest that she wasn’t sharing new information, to which Kyle, inexplicably, begins growling at Lisa:

kyle rhobh pick a lane.gif

What? No, seriously, what does Kyle even mean with this?

But there’s no time to get bogged down in Kyle’s intentions, because suddenly people are asking Sponsor Clare if she thinks there is any hope for forgiveness here and Sponsor Clare is like, “Dudes, don’t look at me, I’m here for the free cupcakes.”

Kim begins snarling at Eden to not get what is happening with herself and Kyle confused with the “Eden and Katya show” to which Rinna demands that Kim show some fucking compassion: Eden’s sister is dead. Kyle then jumps on Rinna for “trying to make it look like Kim’s not being compassionate.” Even though Kim is not.

AND THIS IS THE WHOLE PROBLEM AND WHY THIS SITUATION WILL NEVER BE RESOLVED WITH KIM ON THIS SHOW: The Richards sisters have and always will refuse to acknowledge that their relationship bears any comparison to Eden or Rinna’s situations with their sisters because to do so would to be discussing private family issues in a public forum EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE THE ONES WHO SIGNED UP FOR A REALITY SHOW IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE.

~deep cleansing breath~

So Carnie Wilson jumps in and explains that she recognizes in her own life that she has to be honest with people, make amends and forgive because if she doesn’t let go of the bullshit, she’ll end up drinking again.

Kim gets defensive and protests that Rinna is putting things out there about her family, to which Rinna is like, “Oh yeah? You want to talk about how it made me feel when you put shit out there about my husband?”

Kim tries to claim she said nothing (specific) about Harry Hamlin, but everyone is like, “OH COME ON ALREADY WITH THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT.” Kim then pulls the whole, “I’VE APOLOGIZED FOR THIS ALREADY WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT,” nonesnse and Rinna accepts it (even though Kim just seconds ago tried to claim for the 87th time that she didn’t say the thing she said that they all heard).

Carnie Wilson then jumps back in to remind everyone to have compassion: that Rinna and Eden are operating out of a place of fear and loss and that there is a reason some people have drinking issues. There is no perfect.

Kim explains that she can not afford to not stand up for herself after the year she has been through and all the work she has done to get sober. Rinna apologizes, again, and Eden explains that this is why she went to Lisa Vanderpump with this information in the first place: not to hurt Kim, but to try to explain where Rinna and Eden were both coming from. Rinna asks Kim what they can do to heal the situation and move on and Eileen, of all people, is like, “HOW ABOUT WE JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT IT?”

Sure. That’ll happen.

okay-dog-surreal-sure

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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and wonders if Carnie Wilson has any of that cheesecake left over.

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