The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Boys, Blades, and Bag of Pills”
January 24, 2017
Let’s begin in Greece, where Erika and Kyle are having a lovely dinner on some cliff somewhere. There, they call Mr. Girardi just to say hey, and receive a call from Eileen, Rinna and Dorit who are out rollerblading together because they slid through a time portal and landed in 1992.
Later, it’s time for the big show, and Erika and her backup dancers get their makeup did before saying a very special pre-performance prayer:
Erika performs and she’s great or whatever, I don’t know, we don’t actually see much from the concert.
The group returns to Erika’s rental around 6 a.m. and instead of just collapsing in bed and sleeping until it’s time to go to the airport like actual grownups, for some reason a fashion shoot breaks out.
BTW: I’m the Kyle in this gif. GET THOSE GLADIATOR SANDALS AWAY FROM ME AND FEED ME MORE PASTA.
Eventually, Erika convinces Kyle to put her bathing suit on, too, and take pictures with her, but Kyle’s heart doesn’t really seem in it because what 40-something woman would ever in a million years want to be next to Erika Jayne wearing a fucking bathing suit, come on.
Back in California, Lisa Vanderpump invites Eden over for a spot of VanderTea and to try to get to know her better. There, Eden shares the story of her recent breakup: something about a cheeseburger? And nicotine gum? And then he said she had a Type-A personality? So she dumped him? Which seems like an extreme reaction?
The conversation turns to Game Night, and Eden announces that Kim’s behavior is that of an preacticing alcoholic, and that she believes Kyle is her enabler. Lisa is all, “OH VANDERREALLY… PLEASE VANDERTELL ME MORE ABOUT THIS SIBLING DYNAMIC I HAVE BEEN A FRONT-ROW VANDERWITNESS TO FOR MORE THAN SEVEN YEARS, PRACTICAL STRANGER.”
Later, Eden has Rinna and Dorit over to her house where they meet her “precocious” 11-year-old son, Tyler, and she makes them drink questionable-looking smoothies. When Dorit jokes to the alcoholic about adding vodka to her smoothie, Rinna “jokes” that she adds Xanax to hers. And then Rinna proceeds to pull out a baggie filled with pills. So many pills. All of the pills.
It explains so much.
More curiously, Eden, self-described “Sober Woman” (which totally is her superhero name), makes some comment about loving the Xanax herself.
Finally, it’s P.K.’s birthday, and Dorit is throwing him a party, the big centerpiece being a performance by Boy George. For some reason, it is super important to Dorit and P.K. that Boy George’s performance be a surprise until the last minute, even though he lives in their house and this is not actually a big deal in any way.
Their party planner suggests they put an obtrusive partition in the middle of the living room to hide his stage and equipment and Dorit and P.K. decide they’ll come up with some sort of construction project lie to explain it away.
Why don’t y’all just set up Boy George’s stage in the backyard?
Instead they put a giant black curtain in the middle of the living room and then tell everyone that they have water damage and a mold problem, which is just a very cool lie to tell people. But because everyone is very very dumb, they all just accept the fact that Dorit and P.K. would host a giant televised party in their living room while it was being treated for toxic mold — all but Lisa Vanderpump who is like, “Oh, VanderPLEASE.”
Kim arrives and in greeting P.K., decides to use an English accent, which, though terrible, is no worse that Dorit’s, tbh. Kim strikes up a conversation with the other ladies about the upcoming birth of her grandchild, and mentions how her daughter’s pregnancy has brought up old anxieties. Eden, looking to prove her “Kim is Drinking” hypothesis, begins probing Kim about these feelings and if they make her want to drink again.
Kim is not charmed.
Dorit finally makes the big Boy George reveal and everyone is like, “ZOMGPPPJJHBKGG!” even though all Boy George had to do for this performance was literally walk downstairs. Seriously, why is anyone acting as though this is a thing? THIS IS NOT A THING.
Eden leaves soon after the big show, giving Erika and Lisa VanderKisses on the way out. Elsewhere, Camille notes to the Richards sisters that Eden seems nice and they are like, “NOPE. WRONG. SHE’S THE WORST.” And out in Dorit’s Buddha Lounge, Dorit tells Lisa Vanderpump the whole story about Rinna’s purse pills and Eden with the smoothie and the Xanax and they ask themselves if “Sober Women” even allowed to use pills? VANDERHMMMM.
Oh, and Mario Lopez is at P.K.’s party for reasons that are never explained. Cool.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and likes Culture Club well enough.