‘The Bachelor’: In which I remind everyone that THEIR PARENTS ARE WATCHING THIS.

The Bachelor
February 27, 2016

Ah, Andi Dorfman, so we meet again.

Right before he was supposed to go to the Rose Ceremony, This Asshole was surprised by a completely impromptu, not scripted visit to his hotel room from one Andi Dorfman, former Bachelorette, breaker of This Asshole’s heart.

Over glasses of whisky the two chat about a number of things: This Asshole tells Andi that he might not propose to any of the four women, he  whines about Andi dumping him again

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… and is encouraged, FOR SOME UNFATHOMABLE REASON, by Andi to have sex with the women during Fantasy Suites.

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Part of the reason Andi encourages him is to remind him that it’s his body, his choice. You know, KINDA LIKE IT WAS HER BODY, HER CHOICE BACK WHEN HE WAS ON HER SHOW, AND SHE DIDN’T NEED TO BE SHAMED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION FOR HAVING SEX WITH HIM EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN’T LOVE HIM, SOMETIMES ADULTS HAVE SEX EVEN IF THEY DON’T LOVE ONE ANOTHER, JESUS, GROW UP ALREADY.

But not in so many words.

And that’s what this whole stupid visit is ultimately about: the Producers realized that This Asshole, their romantic hero, would look like a God damned sexist hypocrite if he were to sleep with three different women during his Fantasy Suites after having slut shamed Andi for doing the same. To fix this image problem, they brought everyone to New York so that Andi could swing by, extract an apology from This Asshole, absolve him of his sins and allow “Bachelor Nation” to believe in some dopey fantasy that this guy is looking for a real romantic connection and not just a big creep.

To this end, This Asshole mumbles an apology to Andi. But because This Asshole is JUST SUCH AN ASSHOLE, the apology he offers reminds her that she hurt him first. Christ, what an asshole.

With that, Andi is shoved out the door and This Asshole heads down to the balcony where the women have been FREEZING out in the FUCKING COLD waiting for him WHILE HE WAS GETTING HIS DRINK ON WITH HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND, but you know, NO BIG DEAL, GUY.

Rose 1: SOOEY!
Rose 2: Rachel J.D.
Rose 3: Valencia

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Goodbye, CorWin, you beautiful crazy person. We all knew it wasn’t going to be you; surely YOU knew it wasn’t going to be you. But we are all thrilled you hung on as long as you did, girl, because without you this season would have been boring as fuck.

So you get in that limo and you go on what you think is a feminist rant about never going out of your way to make a man happy again and then you go right to sleep. You’ve earned it. (Tip: you should ask This Asshole to return those expensive clothes that you bought for him for no good reason. The bribe clearly didn’t work.)

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And then we’re off to the most bodily-fluid-filled portion of our journey: The Fantasy Suites. The Fantasy Suites this season are taking place in the frozen hinterlands of Finland for reasons I can only guess involve “the government in Finland offered huge financial incentives and access to all the reindeer the Producers wanted.”

This Asshole’s first Fantasy Suite date is with SOOEY! and ohmygod is it so boring. They fly around in a helicopter, go play darts in a pub and have an argument — and I am not making this up — over the relative virtues of an iron versus a steamer.

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In an interview, SOOEY! explains that she’s crazy nervous about the Fantasy Suites for a few reasons:

  1. She has not yet told This Asshole that she is in love with him (except for that one time when she did).
  2. She’s never told ANYONE that she loved them before.
  3. She has only had sex with one person.
  4. She’s never had an orgasm.
  5. She hopes This Asshole will fix that.

WOW … WOW, THAT’S JUST … THAT’S A LOT OF INFORMATION, SOOEY! So much information. The kind of information that most people would choose to keep private and not share with the entire country, much less their parents and brother and cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and next door neighbors and elementary school teachers and customers and mailmen and grocery store clerks.

Meanwhile, SOOEY!’s ex-boyfriend:

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That evening, This Asshole and SOOEY! repair to a private cottage where SOOEY! declares her love for This Asshole, explaining in the process that she’s never told anyone that before, not even the guy that she was with for 10 YEARS.

What.

It will not surprise you that this speech of SOOEY!’s makes This Asshole cry, because what doesn’t make This Asshole cry, I swear to God.

This Asshole then offers SOOEY! the Fantasy Suite card, which she enthusiastically accepts after informing This Asshole of two things:

  1. She’s only had sex with one other person.
  2. That person never made her orgasm.

This Asshole:

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WELL, GOOD LUCK, THIS ASSHOLE. NO PRESSURE, DUDE.

And that is where, mercifully, this episode ends. Next week will be a three-hour slog: the remaining hour of the horrific-yet-boring Fantasy Suites and the two-hour Women Air Their Grievances special. I’m off to restock the box wine now.

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their dumb nicknames:

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And here are the women along with their nicknames who are still stuck dating This Asshole:

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The Bachelor is on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. on ABC and needs to learn some boundaries.

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