The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Pantygate”
December 27, 2017
Hey, you know what is super boring? Watching Lisa Rinna selling oversized sweater jackets on QVC is super boring. WE GET IT. SHE SELLS CHEAP CLOTHING ON TV TO SAD LADIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
As for Erika, she meets Eileen and a producer on the set of The Young & the Restless to discuss her upcoming role on the soap. The producer asks her what she imagines her role would be: the girl next door? a bitch? And Erika suggests “the hooker next door,” which is exactly why we love her. But it’s interesting that they didn’t just already have a part for her? They aren’t going to just wedge her into some pre-written role or write a part where she plays “Erika Jayne” the way they usually do for guest stars on soap operas?
Then later, Eileen calls Erika with the good news that the producers want her to come back to read for a role, which, super! Except didn’t she already have the part?
So it seems Dorit’s five-month-old daughter had a minor issue wherein her skull was starting to be slightly misshapen because of the way she was sleeping. The baby was forced for several weeks to wear a special headband to reshape her skull. But do not fret, Dear Reader, because we join Dorit and PK on a trip to the doctor where it is determined that the baby’s skull is just fine and she doesn’t need to wear the headband any longer. WHAT A PORTRAIT OF PARENTAL COURAGE.
As for Kyle, she is super busy working on that TV show of hers and Mauricio is super busy selling real estate to Mexican billionaires and they are never in the same country at the same time because they are just so successful and super busy. Sad.
And over in Lisa Vanderpump’s VanderWorld, she and Grandpa Ken go to some dog rescue shelter they donated a bunch of money to, and play with the puppies there.
In between each of these boring vignettes, Dorit is running around telling anyone who will listen that Erika flashed her bare jayne at her husband PK, and he was SCANDALIZED. We first hear it second-hand when Kyle meets Lisa for a VanderDrink at one of her VandeRestaurants, and she reports that Dorit told Kyle that poor, delicate PK was made scandalized. And by “scandalized,” Dorit means, “he couldn’t take his eyes off of her ‘pain killer.'”
And then Lisa makes a VanderJoke about how she herself got a glimpse of “what Mr. Girardi has been munching on for 20 years.” So just relish that mental VanderImage for a while. Roll that one around in your mind’s eye.
Later, Dorit meets with Eileen and Lisa Rinna, neither of whom were present at the moment of PK’s trauma. They briefly chat about Dorit’s baby’s skull emergency, and Eileen mentions that her nightmare of a husband, Dick Van Patten Jr. once ran over Dick Van Patten the Third’s foot and didn’t want to take him to the hospital and this little story is in my notes but somehow I have no context for how this came up in this conversation, but regardless: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ABOUT, DICK VAN PATTEN, JR.? and then they talk about how Erika wants all of them to do one of those dumb escape rooms together.
This leads to Dorit telling Rinna and Eileen all about Erika and the lacking of the panties and how poor PK was just overcome with the vapors, he is such a gentle soul. Rinna argues that Dorit might be getting Erika Jayne confused with Erika Girardi — an easy mistake, and one that she herself made upon meeting her — but that Erika Girardi would never deliberately flash someone else’s husband on purpose, if that’s what Dorit was trying to get at. Well, Dorit declares, in any event she intends to have a conversation with Erika about it and clear the air.
Rinna and Eileen:
Later, Dorit meets Kyle at some boutique, who cares, where she is STILL TALKING about Erika and the no panties and poor PK (WON’T SOMEONE LIGHT A CANDLE FOR POOR PK). Kyle, like Rinna, insists in a talking head that Erika Girardi is very self-aware and would never show off her va-jayne-jayne to someone else’s husband, suggesting that Dorit doesn’t know what she’s even talking about. But this doesn’t stop Dorit from buying a pair of panties to offer to Erika as a “joke.”
Kyle:
Finally, the dumb escape room. Dorit, Rinna, Eileen and Erika arrive first, and Dorit just gets straight to the point, handing Erika a small box, announcing, “Since we’ve all seen your pretty little puss… and my husband could not stop staring …”
But because Erika is a no-bullshit kinda gal, aside from the initial shock and noting in an interview that she’s not happy PK was looking up her skirt and didn’t bother to tell her, Erika accepts the gift graciously and with a sense of humor.
But then Kyle arrives and Dorit announces that she just gave Erika her “present” — a topic that Erika just wanted to move on from — going on to explain that she had to tell all of the other ladies in the group about Erika not wearing underwear because. And, Dorit goes on, not sensing the danger ahead of her, Erika had to have known that she was victimizing poor PK by sitting across from him and his vulnerable eyeballs.
In return, Erika offers Dorit some advice: “the more you talk about shit, the worse it gets.” And, honestly, this should be written at the top of every contract every Real Housewife signs ever as both a warning and a suggestion. But then Erika shoos the whole mess away, suggesting that they not let this fester, and high fives this dumb bitch.
Then they all go into the stupid escape room and do the stupid escape room nonsense and then they escape the stupid escape room.
After their big accomplishment of solving 5th grade-level riddles and puzzles, the ladies go out for lunchdrinks where they discuss Sober Kim becoming a grandmother and how Kyle a great aunt, how the escape room made their brains “tired” …
… and make nice talk about how Lisa Vanderpump and Eileen can be in the same escape room together without someone demanding a fucking Vanderpology for the thousandth fucking time.
Then Kyle mentions that Dorit bought a pair of leather pants at the same place where she bought Erika’s panties, and Lisa Head Shit VanderStirrer in Charge, demands to know what this panties business is about. Erika explains, and then adds that the only real problem she has is that if PK had been able to look up her skirt, maybe he should have let her know that there was a problem. Dorit suggests they have a discussion about it privately, and Erika is like, “NOPE. Nothing to discuss here.” But Dorit keeps yipping at her about PK, until Erika is like, “Bitch, just get another drink and shut up.”
TRUER WORDS.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills airs on Bravo on Tuesdays at 8/9 p.m. and can’t figure out how to get out of this damn escape room.