‘The Bachelor’: A literal shitshow

The Bachelor
January 23, 2017

We begin this episode right where we left off in the last: with the women in HIGH FREAK OUT that This Asshole was dry humping CorWin in a bouncy castle right in front of them. They are NOT HAVING IT. Valencia even takes him aside and basically says, “Look, my problem isn’t with CorWin and her judgment, it’s with you and yours. She’s just an idiot baby-woman, but you’re supposed to be a grown-ass man.”

And that’s when Chris Harrison arrives and drags This Asshole away so that the ladies can get cleaned up for that evening’s Rose Ceremony. Once he leaves, Taylor with the Smart Friends and Runner-up head into CorWin’s bedroom where she is napping to wake her ass up. There, they tell her that her behavior in the bouncy house was disrespectful and that she needs to pull herself together, because she’s coming off as an entitled brat. And THIS ONE, the 24-year-old white woman who has a nanny, she has the audacity to actually say, “I am not privileged in any way shape or form.” She says that! Out loud! With her mouth!

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In an interview, CorWin explains that long ago she came to terms with the fact that she’s “not everyone’s cup of tea.” Which is something of an understatement, I think we can all agree.

It’s finally time for the rose ceremony, and before we get to all that, can we discuss SOOEY!’s dress for just one second?

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Y’all. Y’ALL. Listen, I don’t want to look past the trashtastic thing CorWin is wearing but SOOEY! owns a “fashion boutique.” Clothes are her livelihood! And she comes out wearing this fugly mess? ANDI’S DRESS IN PRETTY IN PINK SHOULD NEVER BE A POINT OF INSPIRATION FOR YOUR FASHION CHOICES. DO NOT PIN ANDI’S DRESS IN PRETTY IN PINK ON YOUR PINTREST BOARD.

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NO.

So, roses.

Rose #1: SOOEY!
Rose #2: Taylor with the Smart Friends
Rose #3: That Whitney Lady
Rose #4: Some Kristina Person
Rose #5: Warrior Dancer
Rose #6: Left Shark
Rose #7: Seen the Breasts?
Rose #8: Nurse Boring
Rose #9: Ballsy
Rose #10: Hot Dog
Rose #11: Runner-Up
Rose #12: CorWin

Which means, goodbye, Terror Watch List. You are now free to break into the White House and spy on President Trump. Please report back on what you overhear, especially if the words “pee-pee” “prostitute” or “yes, Vladimir, whatever you say, Vladimir” come up.

And goodbye, Bend Over. You didn’t make an impression one way or the other, honestly. But how about we cut it out with the crying and the whole, “I’M NEVER GOING TO FIND LOVE!” nonsense. Girl, you’re 26 years old. You literally — very literally — have your entire life in front of you.

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Meanwhile:

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Chris Harrison then announces to the women that they need to go pack their bags because they are going to GLAMOUROUS MILWAUKEE! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Once in Milwaukee, we visit with This Asshole’s mother and father, who literally say to their son, “Please don’t ever be on this show again.”

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But they seem to love being on the show so much!

His mother then begins to tear up thinking about when she met This Asshole’s father, which makes This Asshole start to get weepy and OH MY GOD YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO STOP IT WITH ALL THE CRYING. ENOUGH. ENOUGH CRYING. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANOTHER VIALL CRY ON MY TELEVISION EVER AGAIN, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

That bit of nonsense taken care of, This Asshole meets the women at some duck pond where he invites Nail Girl to join him on the first one-on-one date to wander around Wabasha for the day. Exciting highlights of the date: A library This Asshole used to go to! A river! A deli! Some grass! Fake laughing! SO MUCH FAKE LAUGHING!

The only interesting — and I use that term loosely — thing that happens on this entire date is they “happen” to run into one of This Asshole’s ex-girlfriends, who sits down with them and invites Nail Girl to ask her anything she wants to know about This Asshole. Nail Girl asks why Ex-Girlfriend thinks This Asshole is still on the market, and Ex-Girlfriend offers a meaningless word salad, one part of which included the phrase: “everything is heart driven,” whatever the Hell that is supposed to even mean.

Later that evening, Nail Girl — or Boobs McGee as I maybe should call her, because that dress, tho

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— meet at a hotel bar where over drinks, Boobs McGee reveals her “most obvious flaw”: her incessant fake laugh that her parents are divorced. Which, technically speaking, is not about her. At all. Why didn’t she just say, “I’m a perfectionist” or “I care too much” or “My boobs are just so terrific they refuse to be constrained by clothing,” or some other dumb humblebrag? In any event, This Asshole gives Boobs McGee the date rose despite her inability to answer a simple job interview question.

Finally, they go to a “surprise” concert by some emasculated country singer named Chris Lane who sings, “She has a laugh like confetti,” and BOY HOWDY is that an accurate simile: they’re both irritating and ubiquitous.

Back at the hotel, the other women receive the group date card:

“Rachel, J.D., Left Shark, Valencia, Warrior Dancer, Ballsy, Runner-Up, That Whitney Lady, Some Kristina Person, Seen the Breasts? Taylor with the Smart Friends, Hot Dog, Nurse Boring and CorWin: Say cheese!”

The next day the women are taken out to a farm in the Wisconsin hinterlands where they find This Asshole feeding baby cows and explaining that growing up his family had friends who had a farm, so he thought it would be fun to bring them to this completely unrelated farm to do farm chores.

I don’t believe a single word of this.

But the women are shoved into boots and told to break open some bales of hay and feed the cows that are already eating from giant piles of hay right in front of their faces.

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Uh? Thanks? I guess? Moo?

The farmers then bring a cow for This Asshole to milk, which he completely fails at, but then Ballsy gives it a shot and is very successful because she’s bisexual hahaha what a good joke that is.

Then, beautifully, hilariously, perfectly, This Asshole explains that their next farm chore is to muck the stalls — they are , in an apt metaphor for this entire series, going to shovel shit. Now, this might just come as a surprise, but CorWin, she is not interested in this particular activity, and huffs that she needs sushi before slipping out of the barn. When the other women confront her for not shoveling her share of cow shit, she claims that her fingers went numb and she couldn’t move them.

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As Runner-Up, who is quickly becoming a favorite, puts it: “I don’t know if it’s the cow shit or the bullshit, but I smell shit.” Indeed.

CorWin sticks with this story, though, and insists at the cocktail party that this hand situation was SERIOUS. SHE WAS LOSING CIRCULATION, PEOPLE.

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The first woman to take This Asshole aside to talk is Some Kristina Person, who happens to originally be from Russia. She tells This Asshole that she had a difficult childhood, what with being born in a frozen lake and having to defend herself from all of the wolves all the time, but it just gave her a “zest for life.”

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Aside from Olya Povlatsky, This Asshole also has productive conversations with Rachel, J.D. who is showing a little weariness with this whole process and who can blame her, I’m with you, girl, and Valencia who gives This Asshole a book her students made for her.

But who cares: MORE CORWIN. CorWin complains that the other women are talking shit about her, because they absolutely are, and she explains in a talking head that she is not some dumb little girl:

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This actually happened.

… before comparing herself to a “husk of corn” that you have to peel back to find the “luxurious yellow corn” which is actually “juicy buttery” information.

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CorWin decides to just come forward and address the other women: WHAT’S Y’ALL’S PROBLEM THOUGH? And Runner-Up is like, “Well, I’m glad you asked! For one thing, I don’t think you are ready to marry a 36-year-old man. If you can’t even stay awake for a Rose Ceremony, what makes you think that you’re grown up enough for any of this?” In a talking head, CorWin complains that Abraham Lincoln and Michael Jordan took naps BUT SUDDENLY WHEN SHE TAKES A NAP, IT’S BAD?

You guys, I can’t make this human being any more amazing than she actually is.

Runner-Up points out that she would — and has — walked through shit to be there, to which CorWin whines that SHE LOST THE CIRCULATION IN HER FINGERS AND ALMOST HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, GOD, HAVE A HEART.

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Olya Povlatsky is not having any of it, and tells CorWin that if she can’t handle the competition, if she can’t just stand on a riser for 20 minutes, how is she going to be able to be there for This Asshole? Pressed by Olya, CorWin then starts singing a new song: she wasn’t taking a nap during the Rose Ceremony, she was having a “panic attack.” incredulous-come-on-now

And that’s when she jumps up, leaves the conversation because she’s “being attacked,” and seeks out This Asshole to whine that the other women are just being so mean to her just because she’s a horrid rude monster. WAAAAAH.

And then This Asshole gives the date rose to Olya Povlatsky, because she has decent finger circulation.

Finally, the last one-on-one date with SOOEY! “SOOEY! Let’s kick it,” reads the card, and Sooey, bless her heart, decides it must be something really special since it’s taking place in his hometown.

Except that it’s not.

This Asshole takes SOOEY! to his little sister’s soccer game because he hasn’t tortured that child nearly enough over the past three years:

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SOOEY!, notably, is the only one who gets to meet This Asshole’s parents and endure This Asshole’s father pointing out that she has a weird name and an accent.

This Asshole then takes SOOEY! roller skating with Little Sister’s soccer team, where Little Sister and SOOEY! make small talk and skate together and Little Sister says some stuff about how she wants another Sister-in-Law because she already has like 18 or something and, really, what’s the worst that could happen if Little Sister gets attached to SOOEY! here?

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That night, they have dinner at the Milwaukee Art Museum, where SOOEY! tells This Asshole about walking in on her ex while he was having sex with another woman. Apparently one of her friends sent her a message saying that he was kissing some other woman at the bar she was at and that he had just left with her, so SOOEY! marched home, kicked the bedroom door open and beat them both — while they were naked — with her shoe. Arkansas!

This Asshole offers her the date rose, because she might beat him with her shoe if he didn’t, and they roller skate around in the art museum which legitimately looks like fun. In fact, I think it’s safe to say it’s the only fun thing anyone did in the entire episode.

Time for another Rose Ceremony, but not really because we’ve already had one of those in this episode!

As soon as This Asshole is done greeting the women, Boobs McGee leaps up and asks to talk to him first, and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that this was the dress she was wearing:

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Is it a condition? Does she have some sort of skin condition in which she has to keep her side boob exposed to air at all times? Is there someplace I can donate money to help find a cure?

But the point is, Boobs McGee, who already has a rose, takes This Asshole’s time when there are plenty of women who are not safe standing around waiting to talk to him. Taylor with the Smart Friends has had it OFFICIALLY and storms right outside and interrupts their conversation, sending Boobs McGee back inside to warm her poor exposed cleavage.

Also inside is CorWin who has, somehow, found an ally in Hot Dog, and the two of them just stuff their faces with cheese and talk about how “gross” and “disgusting” Taylor with the Smart Friends is. What, she thinks she so smart just because she’s smart? WHAT A BITCH, they agree.

And CorWin is going to tell her all about it. CorWin demands to talk to Taylor with the Smart Friends, and there CorWin tells Taylor with the Smart Friends that she does not like the way Taylor with the Smart Friends has been treating her, it’s been very rude, very mean and she is not going to have it anymore. Taylor, who is a mental health professional, explains that she just doesn’t think that CorWin is particularly mature or has a great deal of emotional intelligence. Dumb CorWin is so dumb she thinks that Taylor with the Smart Friends is calling her dumb, so Taylor with the Smart Friends has to explain that emotional intelligence is another form of intelligence, one that has to do with self-awareness and coping skills. “DON’T TREAT ME LIKE AN IDIOT, I RUN A MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR COMPANY” Corwin hisses at Taylor and I dunno, but this whole relationship is just giving me strong election PTSD, guys.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Here are the ladies who were eliminated along with their dumb nicknames:

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And here are the women along with their nicknames who are still stuck dating This Asshole:

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The Bachelor is on Mondays at 7/8 p.m. on ABC and is very emotionally intelligent.

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