‘American Horror Story’: And then a bunch of kids with GoPros got involved

American Horror Story
“Chapter 9”
November 9, 2016

As promised, here is Taissa Farmiga, tumblr. SO CALM DOWN ALREADY. Taissa plays a super fan of My Roanoke Nightmare and the administrator of a fan site who, along with Puck’s half-brother from Glee and some other guy, decide to strap on some GoPros and look for the house during the blood moon . A+ plan, can see no flaws.

And because Taissa, Puck’s half-brother and Other Guy are stand-ins for us, the American Horror Story fandom, they talk about My Roanoke Nightmare as if it is a Very Important Series that touches upon issues like patriarchy, and racism and colonization instead of just being a long, self-indulgent examination of Ryan Murphy’s particular hang-ups that year.

While they burbling away self-importantly, the production assistant who had enough of Toothy’s bullshit and left the set only to be murdered by Pigman in her car, somehow, despite it not having being the blood moon yet BUT LALALALALALA DON’T WORRY ABOUT THAT, QUIT POINTING OUT PLOT HOLES, YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING, she comes stumbling out of the woods, wounded and complaining that “it hurts.” The group follows her back to her overturned car, where they find her dead body still strapped into her seat.

Then the narrative takes an unexplained jump where Taissa, Puck’s half-brother and Other Guy are suddenly being interrogated, mostly as a means to deliver a bunch of needlessly repetitive exposition and to reveal that Production Assistant’s body was not in the car when the cops investigated. SPOOKY. AND ALSO ULTIMATELY POINTLESS.

And then the cops just let them go? They’re just let them go with a stern look and a wag of the finger and a “now don’t go back to that property even though that’s exactly what we know you’re going to do”? OK. That makes sense.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Audrey and Sister explain to Dylan, the guy who showed up in the Pigman mask who played Ambrose White in the reenactment, that everyone is dead and everything is awful. His story is unimportant: he was hired by Toothy to show up on a particular day, sans phone (sure, absolutely, makes sense), and when he didn’t hear from Toothy he took an Uber over:

pigman uber ahs.gif

The point is, they don’t have a car, they don’t have a phone and Monet is still out there somewhere, probably being eaten one slice at a time by the Polks, and they need to help her. Dylan, who was in the military and makes sure they know all about it, agrees and the three head over to the Polk property.

There, Dylan secures the truck while Sister and Audrey look for the video cameras that captured them killing various Polks, and Sister confessing to killing Ex-Husband Monet. Audrey finds Monet and a gun hidden in one barn, frees Monet and then shoots Hillbilly #1 in the head when he tries to stop them. In the other barn, Sister finds the video camera and does not delete the incriminating footage? Somehow?

Meanwhile, outside, Dylan hotwires the truck only to be repeatedly stabbed in the back by guffawing Hillbilly #2. Sister returns, camera in hand, yelling at Hillbilly #2 that she has evidence against them. But Hillbilly #2 is more interested in The Butcher and the Torchies who are making their way towards the farm. Terrified, he takes the truck and drives off, shrieking about his momma. Sister drops the camera and runs in the opposite direction. And when Audrey and Monet emerge, they find nothing but a presumably dead Dylan, the video camera, and The Butcher and the Torchies headed in their general direction. RUN AWAY!

run away snl.gif

Somehow, Audrey and Monet manage to make it back to the house where they decide that Sister must be dead, and proceed to amuse themselves by watching her confession because just because you’re sitting around waiting to be slaughtered by a bunch of murder ghosts doesn’t mean you have to be bored while you’re doing it.

As it turns out, Sister is NOT dead, and, in fact, saves herself when Feral Gaga shows up, offers her a pig heart and demands her surrender. “Cool,” Sister says. “Why not. What’s the worst that can happen?”

And the first people Sister encounters after noshing on a little pig heart are Taissa, Puck’s half-brother and Other Guy who are back out wandering the woods. They approach her, worried that she looks hurt and as thanks for their concern, she slices Puck’s half-brother’s throat open. RUN AWAY!

muppets-panic-run-away

Taissa and Other Guy manage to make it to the production trailer where they see that the entire cast and crew, save for Audrey, Monet and Sister are dead, and Sister is on her way to finish the job. Taissa, who is a damned idiot, decides that they need to warn Monet and Audrey even though SISTER IS ALREADY AT THE HOUSE AND THEY ARE NOT AT THE HOUSE WHAT IS THE PLAN HERE, DUMMY?

And, in fact, Sister heads inside the house where she confronts Audrey and Monet, muttering about how they are “defiling sacred ground” and how the grounds must be “cleansed with fire and blood.” Monet sasses back that Sister isn’t fooling her: she saw the confession and blah blah blah it’s all academic because Sister shoves Monet off the second floor landing, causing her to fall to her death.

R.I.P. Monet. I thought for sure  there was going to be more to your alcoholism story, but oh well.

shrug-who-cares

Audrey RUNS AWAY! out of the house and towards The Professor’s cellar, but Sister manages to catch up to her, cleave her in the shoulder, kick her down the stairs and close up the cellar behind her.

All of this is captured on video by those two dummies, Taissa and Other Guy, who suddenly find themselves caught between Sister and The Torchies who have with them a not-quite-dead-yet Dylan. A quick disembowelment fixes that, though.

R.I.P. Dylan. For real this time.

And then Taissa and Other Guy are discovered by Sister.

We are presented with a title card that reads: “What you are about to see was recovered from an iCloud account registered to Other Guy. It is presented in its raw form. The images are graphic, violent and deeply disturbing. Sensitive viewers should refrain from watching.” I mean, all the other graphic deaths which are supposed to be actual people actually dying, sensitive viewers should be totally cool with those. But these deaths, these are a different matter.

Taissa and Other Guy plead with Sister for their lives, but she is Not Interested, and instead impales them on spikes. Which is terrible! But then, still alive and twitching, Taissa and Other Guy are covered in gasoline and set on fire, just to be sure they are really really for reals dead.

R.I.P. stupid children.

The next morning, the cops come screaming to the site where they find a stunned, whimpering and wounded Sister. She begs them to help and get her out of this hell hole, and they gingerly put her into the back of a police car while they investigate a little further. That’s when Audrey emerges from the cellar and is all, “AWW HELL NAW.” She grabs a cop’s gun and tries to level it at Sister, but before she can pull the trigger, the cops gun her down. Of course. NO JUSTICE FOR WHITE LADIES.

OK, I’M JUST GOING TO POST THE LINK TO THE FINALE HERE, BYE: American Horror Story: Soul Survivor

American Horror Story airs on FX Wednesdays at 9/10 p.m.

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