‘Married to Medicine: Houston’: Crawbitch boil

Married to Medicine: Houston
“Boiling Point”
November 18, 2016

Having shown up to NotDr. Elly’s fancy Persian New Year’s event in decidedly NOT fancy clothes — unless damp and stained t-shirts, do-rags and rain boots is your idea of fancy– Rachel decides to make amends with Elly and her sister Pegah. To this end, she invites the women over for a pile of cold cuts, short ribs and chicken and rice, which is not so much dinner as it is a one-woman potluck, but OK. Rachel explains that it’s “a very southern, also very Texan tradition to cook somebody a meal when you’re trying to apologize.”

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Is it? Is it though?

So she cooks this “traditional Texan apology meal,” but only Elly, Pegah and Dr. Ashandra attend, because apparently Dr. Monica and Dr. Erika don’t think they have anything to apologize for.

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OK.

Rachel burbles about being a peacemaker and how this is her “love language,” whereas Dr. Ashandra explains that she’s attending not because she thinks that she has anything to apologize for, but just out of general respect. Also, too, not attending kinda makes one look like an asshole, DR. MONICA AND DR. ERIKA.

So the women arrive and pile their plates full of apology meats and Elly calmly explains that she found their behavior to be disrespectful to not just her but to her event and to her community as a whole. In fact, if she could go back in time, she would have hoped they would have the good sense to only send in the one woman who least resembled a damp pile of rags to represented the others.

Dr. Ashandra protests that Elly should be grateful that they made the effort at all, but Elly is like, “NOPE. I’d rather you have not come at all than arrive soaking wet and smelling like dog shampoo.” Elly then reminds them that she and Pegah managed to attend Rachel and Cindi Rose’s event without embarrassing anyone (but maybe if they had, they would have enjoyed some screen time), before lamenting that she was just so excited to show the ladies off at her event because she is so proud of how beautiful and accomplished they are. And by couching her criticism in a compliment, Elly is able to move the ladies to a place of apology and reconciliation. Clever girl.

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Meanwhile, instead of making nice with the other women, Dr. Monica, her boyfriend Imad, Dr. Erika and Derek go to Hugo’s for dinner where they order barbacoa, queso flameado and some other items, I’m not sure what exactly because the subtitles just read, hilariously enough, “FOREIGN LANGUAGE.” Over their “FOREIGN LANGUAGE,” the women discuss how they are being made out to be the “mean girls” because they won’t apologize to Elly. Which! yes! that makes you mean! If you can’t squeeze out even an insincere apology to smooth things over with someone, it kind of implies that you are a mean person who does not care about other people’s feelings! This is how social interactions work! (Note: Does not apply to arguments with relatives or friends you’ve had for more than 20 years.)

Dr. Erika tells Dr. Monica and Imad her plans for freezing her eggs and maybe using a surrogate to have a baby, lest she end up on bed rest and be unable to financially support their family. Imad calls this “lame” and mansplains to Dr. Erika that if she can carry the baby, she “[has] to do it,” prompting the first but not last time in this episode the question, “Wait, who is this asshole again?” is asked.

The rest of the episode is pretty much devoted to a crawfish boil that one of Rachel’s friends is hosting out on her ranch somewhere outside of town, I assume somewhere between Houston and Beaumont. And this friend of Rachel is generous enough to allow the Married to Medicine women to all stay on her ranch overnight, because for those of you who might not be familiar with crawfish boils, they can be long boozy affairs, and apparently the production budget for the series can only handle one party bus a season.

But first, we kill some time in the ladies’ homes, pre-boil: Dr. Ashandra and Pretty Ricky negotiate his attendance at the boil while cooking dinner; Dr. Erika and Derek negotiate attending the boil while cooking dinner; and Rachel FaceTimes her busy husband about the boil while in the background Mamacita Maribel yells, “¡AY! ¡DOCTOR DOCTOR, DAME UN CURE!”

I love her.

As Dr. Monica and Imad drive to the boil, Monica helpfully fills in some details about their 3-year-long relationship: he’s Lebanese and was raised Muslim, he lives in San Antonio where he is a car dealer and where his son lives. Whereas I would describe those last two points as “insurmountable obstacles to getting married in the next few years,” Dr. Monica optimistically refers to them as “complications.”

sure jan

Everyone starts arriving at Rachel’s friend’s lovely ranch where they get their drink and crawfish on, all except for Dr. Erika who has an early case in the morning and who, apparently, doesn’t eat crawfish. I would react with outrage, but instead, I’m just sad for her. My husband and I host an annual crawfish boil (ladies — Dr. Ashandra, Rachel, Mamacita Maribel, Elly & Pegah, Dr. Monica, Dr. Erika — y’all are all invited next year. Send me your addresses and I’ll add you to the list) so I know there are people who don’t eat crawfish. But it bums me out for them and I strongly feel they should have to turn in their Gulf Southerner card and maybe go live someplace crawfish- and flavor-free, like South Dakota or Vermont.

As the day wears on, the margaritas begin to wear on some folks. At one point, Imad, clearly tired of being asked about when he and Dr. Monica are going to get married, aggressively “jokingly” suggests to her that if she’s so anxious to get married, they should do so RIGHT NOW. When Dr. Monica attempts to make his head explode with just the sheer radiation of her righteous anger blasting towards him from her eyeballs, Imad is all, “What? I can’t believe you’d say no!”

kristen wiig angry

Dr. Monica, furious that he is mocking her, explains that she wants a traditional Hindu wedding, where her parents was his feet… “EW, I DON’T WANT YOUR PARENTS TO WASH MY FEET,” this shitbird loudly declares in front of all of her friends.

But instead of telling Imad to just go get in the car and drive back onto I-10 and not stop until he’s back in San Antonio, Dr. Monica continues to sit there with him, wounded, making everyone around them uncomfortable. Elly, trying to be helpful, suggests that if Imad plans on proposing sometime in the next year, they should just drop the subject altogether, and if he’s planning to propose not they should just… before trailing off, realizing the uncomfortable endgame of her logic. Meanwhile, Dr. Monica announces that Imad has hurt her feelings before stomping off some 10 feet away.

Dr. Ashandra shakes her head and explains that Dr. Monica and Imad’s communication would never work in a Pretty Ricky/Dr. Ashandra marriage. This might be Dr. Monica and Imad’s “love language,” but it sounds like disfunction to Dr. Ashandra.

ENOUGH WITH THE “LOVE LANGUAGE” NONSENSE. EVERYONE IS FORBIDDEN FROM USING THE PHRASE “LOVE LANGUAGE” FOR THE REST OF THE SEASON. I AM SERIOUS WITH YOU PEOPLE.

UGH. “LOVE LANGUAGE.” ~SHUDDER~

Anyway, Imad chases after Dr. Monica, where he informs her that her feelings are invalid, gives her a smarmy smile and somehow, SOMEHOW, all is forgiven.

ron wanson angry disappointed parks recreation

Later that evening, the group sits outside by the firepit where drunk Rachel demands everyone make s’mores and play “Two Truths and a Lie.” Dr. Erika immediately excuses herself because, I don’t know, she doesn’t like harmless ice breaker games you play at corporate retreats? But … who does?

Pretty Ricky starts them off with: “I have nipple hair; my wife’s favorite slang term is ‘Dirrrrrrrrty Sanchez’; and guess who’s pregnant?” Disappointingly, Pretty Ricky is a cheater and all three are lies.

Drunk Rachel goes next: “My favorite food is cheese and dairy; I’m on the Dean’s List at nursing school; and my favorite color is blue.” Someone guesses the lie is “Dean’s List,” and Drunk Rachel is NOT HAVING IT: “BOOM, BITCHES, I AM ON DEAN’S LIST. I don’t look smart bu- buh- buh- I’ll school you.” Drunk Rachel then focuses her drunk anger on Dr. Erika: “YOU WANNA BE SCHOOLED? IS THERE SOMETHING I CAN LAUGH ABOUT? I DON’T WANT TO STRONG ARM IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE HERE YOU GO GOODBYE.”

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(My favorite part of this whole scene? Poor Dr. James trying to talk his drunk wife down and quietly shh-ing her, but to no avail. Oh, Dr. James, just put baby to bed already.)

And with that, Dr. Erika and Derek announce that they are leaving, but not before Dr. Erika suggests in an interview that Drunk Rachel’s real problem is that she feels insecure about not having a college degree.

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Finally, as Drunk Rachel and Elly are getting ready for bed — and by “getting ready for bed,” I mean, “standing around in the bathroom in full makeup and drinking from their red Solo cups” —  Drunk Rachel tells Elly everything: “I mean, I have to be honest with you when we did go to Holi and we were on the bus, you know, something did got .. get brought up. She was just like, ‘so what is an audiologist, anyway?’ and ‘you know, I guess they’re just giving away doctor degrees.'” Which is not exactly what was said, but it was in the spirit, so I’m giving this one a pass.

Unsurprisingly, Elly is HELLA PISSED that Dr. Monica would question her career and wonders why she would do such a thing? Drunk Rachel posits that maybe Dr. Monica is “threatened” by Elly in some fashion, but Elly is even more confused by this theory: Elly doesn’t want any part of Dr. Monica’s life, why should Dr. Monica be threatened by her?

And no, I don’t think that is at all what this is about (although Dr. Monica might be jealous that Elly is happily married and she’s stuck in a motionless relationship with a narcissistic clod with no filter). If I had to venture a guess, Dr. Monica attacked Elly out of some weird mixture of irritation that Elly’s event took away from her own event and guilt that she ruined Elly’s event and embarrassed her. But instead of going with contrition, Dr. Monica used aggression to vent these complicated feelings: she’d try to make Elly look like the asshole, because she herself felt like one.

Just a guess.

Anyway, the point is, Elly has no intention to confront Dr. Monica about it now. No, instead, she’s going to let this one sit and fester and then explode at the right time later this season, preferably at a big event, in front of a lot of people.

Can’t wait!

Married to Medicine: Houston airs on Bravo on Fridays at 8 p.m. But it SHOULD air when someone might actually see it because it’s pretty good.

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