‘Hawaii Five-0’: Doris is the worst

Hawaii Five-0
“Ka makuahine a me ke keikikane”
November 4, 2016

drum drum drum 150 EPISODES!

Moonlight is hard at work in the McKitchen preparing the perfect dinner and dessert. Y’all, if the writers ever run out of ridiculous ways to kill tourists I would totally watch H50 as a cooking show. He puts on a sports coat, lights the candles, and is just pouring the wine as the doorbell dings. He opens the door for Lynn, who I don’t think we’ve seen since they had that one date last season.

And I’m just going to say it. She looks like she’s cosplaying Pretty Woman. That shade of blonde and those bangs are not cute.

McG tells her he loves the new do. He thinks the bangs are “super cute.” What did I just say, Steven? No. They’re not. They’ve gone through one bottle of wine, so maybe he’s just drunk. Lynn goes to the kitchen for another bottle and McG’s phone rings.

It’s Carmen.

She urgently needs to talk to him, but can’t get into it on an open line. She’ll explain everything momentarily. Headlights shine through the front windows. Lynn walks out with two bottles of wine and McG is like, EXCELLENT CHOICE. WE’RE GOING TO NEED BOTH OF THOSE. CARMEN IS HERE.

Lynn is visibly thrown. She’s obviously gotten the full Carmen download at some point. Maybe when she and McG went for coffee and malasadas that one time.

Carmen walks in. Moonlight makes introductions.


Carmen apologizes for barging in, but says it couldn’t wait. It’s Doris. Uuuuungh. Doris is the worst!  She tried to break Daddy Fat out of a CIA black site and the op went sideways. Carmen hasn’t been able to get any further information and doesn’t even know where the site is.

Moonlight does.

She’s in Morocco. He’s been there in an episode I barely remember. Seriously, last season was rough going. McG says Doris must have orchestrated the meet so she could follow him to the site.

“She used me.”


Carmen is like, we’re still totally going to get her out, right? Did I miss some deep, compelling connection that Carmen and Doris have? Is it a CIA thing? Moonlight seems ready to leave his mother to rot, which YES. YES, STEVEN. THAT IS THE CORRECT IMPULSE. YOU SHOULD GO WITH THAT.

But Steven Tiberius McGarrett is a better person than that. He goes upstairs to pack, leaving Lynn and Carmen to enjoy an insouciant pinot noir and awkward silence. Carmen is like thanks for being cool. She knows it’s weird. Lynn says most of her dates end with the guy running off with the ex-girlfriend he was going to propose to.  It’s Carmen’s turn to look gob smacked. McG comes downstairs and she beats a hasty retreat to the car.

Jin is telling Sarah a bedtime story about fishing with his dad when he was boy. He tucks her in before he gets to the part where her dad murdered his dad. Fun times! Sleep well!

Boomer is in the kitchen drying dishes. Jin updates her on his day in family court. He’s not sure how it went. He says he made his case, but the court seems reluctant to block Sarah’s adoption without hard evidence that her aunt and uncle are involved in the drug trade. He quietly tells Boomer that every time he tucks Sarah in he thinks it might be the last.

Caano thinks Grace (Hi, Monkey!) has a boyfriend and wants Grover to gather intel. Grover pumps his son Will for information. The boy is supremely uncomfortable with being asked to spy on his friend. We will none of us be surprised when it’s revealed that they are dating. And scene.

McG and Carmen waste no time once they’re on the ground in Rabat. They snatch up an operative and get the intel they need on the black site. Getting in seems impossible. Carmen boggles, wondering what Doris was thinking. She was assigned to kill Daddy Fat and now she’s risking everything to free him. Why?

Moonlight remembers the day he came home from school to find his mother crying on the lenai. She was devastated by Mommy Fat’s death. It was only in Episode 100 that he learned to what extent. He says the guilt has always haunted her. “She can’t shake the burden.”

I was pretty sure that Peter Lenkov spent the last 7 seasons growing that actress in a lab, but it turns out that Young!Doris really is young Doris – she’s Christine Lahti’s daughter. Well played.

There’s a noise outside and McG and Carmen go into unauthorized op mode. A man opens the front door. Moonlight takes him to the floor. Fortunately he realizes it’s Jin before he puts a bullet in him. Now THAT would make for an awkward moment in HR. The whole team (sans Caano who is in Jersey) are there to back up Steve in whatever fool mess his mother has gotten herself into. Jin says he and Doris are ohana. Well, Doris is debatable, but point taken.

Jin and Boomer check their gear. She comments on how quiet he’s been. Jin says they lost the appeal. He got word that morning and told Sarah before they left. He suddenly realizes she’ll be gone by the time he gets back. THANKS DORIS. THANKS FOR THAT.

Nightfall. Op is a go. Jin and Carmen monitor the cameras from the control room while McG retrieves his mother. He walks into her cell but Doris has been plotting her own escape. He is immediately thrown a beating.

“Hey, mom.”

Since they’re stuck waiting for the coast to clear, Doris decides to have the Wo Fat talk. Oh, she wants to get real? Steven will get real. He reminds her of her promise three years ago to stay. He says she knew all along she was going to leave, didn’t she? Moonlight knew too, because she did it exactly the same way all those years before when she left him and Mary and McDaddy.

McG remembers her dropping him off at school. How she hugged him and held on while his friends laughed and pointed. How she told him she was proud of him. That she loved him. Wee!McG didn’t understand then that she was saying goodbye.

Doris says she remembers that day too. She thought it was going to be the last time she saw him. Moonlight snaps that it was the last time! She weeps and sobs and apologizes and if I’m supposed to feel sympathy for her, nope. None at all. She is terrible.  But Moonlight is a bigger person than I am and tells her it’s alright.

The coast is clear and it’s time to go, but Doris says they can’t leave yet. Despite the fact that she is risking her son’s life AND the life of his entire team, she refuses to leave without Daddy Fat. She stamps her feet and holds her breath for good measure.

McG wishes her luck with that and locks the door behind him. Enjoy your rendition! Good night everybody!


Of course McG doesn’t do that. Even after Doris says that Daddy Fat lost his family and has suffered enough. AND STEVE DIDN’T LOSE HIS FAMILY? WHAT ABOUT HIS SUFFERING? DID YOU EVEN WATCH THE 100TH EPISODE? AND PS, WHO GAVE WO FAT THE HOME MOVIES? HUH, DORIS?

If the purpose of art is to stir one’s passions, then mission accomplished Show, because great day in the morning do I loathe this character.

Doris and Daddy Fat have a heartfelt reunion that I don’t care about because the worst. Moonlight hustles the guard into the room and begins tearing up a blanket. He says he doesn’t have any zip ties. Doris berates him for his lack of preparation. “Who raised you?”


I may actually die of a rage aneurysm before this episode is over.

A guard discovers Doris’ empty cell and the site goes on lockdown. She directs Jin and Carmen to the C-4 charge she has hidden away in the north tower. She says they can use it to dynamite open the entrance to an old sewer tunnel and make their escape. Which they eventually do. Yay! Everyone makes it to the private airstrip and I’m sure there will be no future blow back or repercussions from this little escapade. Shave ice for all!

Doris reasons that she and Five-0 will be untouchable as long as Daddy Fat is at large. That seems unlikely. She says eventually she’ll be able to come home. Maybe even get a place down the street from Steve. He’ll never be able to get rid of her. They both know it’s a lie.

Please Jebus let it be a lie.

Before she leaves, Doris offers one final empty mea culpa. She says everything she ever did, she did for the right reasons. Or at least, what she thought was right at the time. And if McG ever wants to know more about who she was before, the answers are in a lockbox hidden under the floor in the study. The combination is the date of the premiere of the original series.

Moonlight tells Doris that being a spy wasn’t the only thing she was ever good at. HAH! SEE, DORIS. STEVE CAN LIE TOO.

Carmen says her goodbyes. McG asks if she’s happy. She says she is. She almost makes it onto the plane but stops at the stairs. She tells Moonlight she knows about the ring. She says she’s sorry. Y’all, I like Carmen but Moonlight really needs more women in his life who don’t constantly have cause to apologize to him.

Since she brought it up, Moonlight can’t resist asking. If he had proposed, what would Carmen have said?

“I would have said yes.”

Before she closes the plane’s door, Carmen says she hopes things work out with Lynn. Because McG deserves to be happy.

Yes. Yes he does. Maybe one day. But today does not seem to be that day.

Jin returns to a too quiet, too empty house. He goes into Sarah’s room and finds the memory book full of drawings she left for him. NO HAPPINESS FOR YOU EITHER, JIN. NOT TODAY.

Moonlight pulls up the loose floorboard. The lockbox is right where Doris said it would be. He takes out the leather-bound journal and turns the page to the day Doris found out she was pregnant.

The best part of Doris is in that lockbox. Moonlight should keep that and cut the rest out like a cancer.


This is Whitney, inviting you to be with us next week. Be here, Friday at 8:00 p.m. on CBS.  Aloha.

Whitney is also watching Supernatural and Timeless. Follow her on twitter @Watcher_Whitney.


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