‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Take a lap

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Rage on My Ass”
September 25, 2016

We begin this episode exactly where we left the last: with Teresa telling her cugini that she doesn’t want to have a relationship with them, but, confusingly, that her “door is always open.” 

don's confused mad men

And then Teresa and Folletto drive away and Teresa cries and cries and it is still very sad.

Meanwhile, Jacqueline, Siggy and Dolores gather at Jacqueline’s house for a postmortem from Kathy and Rosie who explain that their take away from the meeting was that Teresa is really busy, what with her husband being sent to meatball jail soon, but that her “door is always open.” Jacqueline is the only person listening to this that has a baroo: does Teresa want to cut off contact with her cousins, or does she want to leave her door open to them?

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Pictured: A series of baroos.

Later, Jacqueline and Siggy go shopping at Posche. Nothing good ever happens at Posche. And sure enough, the entire “shopping trip” was really about getting Kim D on camera expressing concern to Jacqueline that Melissa’s boutique manager, some kid named Derek, has been selling stories about Teresa to the tabloids.

The story is that at some point (before she went to meatball prison? after she came out of meatball prison? UNCLEAR), Teresa was selling copies of one of her books at some Posche fashion show for cash — which she is not supposed to do because these meatballs can’t be trusted with cash. According to Kim D, Derek filmed Teresa and sold the footage to someone, and Tre got into a little bit of trouble. Kim D is sharing all of this with Jacqueline and the cameras simply out of the deepest concern for everybody involved, of course.

And then it’s time for the big trip to Vermont to help Teresa “de-stress.”

LOLOLOLOLOLOL OK.

For this trip, Melissa hired a party van to drive herself, Folletto, Teresa, Dolores, Siggy, Jacqueline, Laurita and some couple that we briefly met at Teresa’s book launch, Robyn and Christina up to Vermont some five hours away. This turns out to be a terrible idea.

So, we don’t learn this until about halfway through the fight, but Robyn and Rosie have some sort past? They were amici until they weren’t? And this is just coming up now? Who is editing this season? We’ve spent 20 minutes of each episode talking about Dolores’ countertops, but we are just now meeting this Robyn person who clearly has a connection to all of these people and who — SPOILER ALERT —  becomes a huge issue later in this episode? They’re called editorial decisions, youse guys, MAKE THEM.

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Right, so, what happens is everyone is having a good enough time at first, talking about how Teresa and Laurita went on a date one time years ago, Melissa saying “power of the pussy” for some reason that is remarkably not related to this presidential election. But then the issue of Kathy and Rosie and Teresa cutting them out of her life comes up, and Jacqueline wonders why, if Teresa wants to be done with her cugini, she told them that “the door is always open?”

And then things become a cross-shouting nightmare and I don’t understand what is happening? Robyn is yelling that Teresa shouldn’t have to have her cugini in her life if she doesn’t want them in her life; Jacqueline is yelling that what Teresa told her cugini was confusing; Melissa gets into the mix for reasons that are unclear; and eventually Teresa ends the discussion by saying that she is unequivocally done with Rosie and Kathy. It’s over. Finito.

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Once they arrive at the resort, they all put on bathrobes before heading down to the restaurant to eat chicken wings, because that’s just a normal thing that people do, definitely.

After dinner, the ladies go outside to drink wine by the firepit, where Jacqueline reveals Kim D’s story about Derek to Melissa, and Melissa is like, “that is a very cool story from the woman who once tried to claim I was a stripper, and I’m going to take it very seriously.”

With that, Teresa and Melissa head inside, leaving Siggy, Dolores and Jacqueline outside with these Robyn and Christina ladies. And things take a weird turn very quickly. Robyn, for reasons unclear, begins telling Jacqueline that she doesn’t know what to make of her, and feels like Jac has prejudged her. In response, Jacqueline says that she thinks Robyn is one of Teresa’s “soldiers” — meaning one of those shady people that Teresa used to surround herself with in seasons past. Robyn does not take this kindly and begins yelling that she wants to “rage” on Jacqueline’s “ass.”

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Jacqueline invites her to do just that, and goes and sits on Robyn’s lap, I suppose to make the raging easier.

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Dolores literally pulls Jacqueline off of Robyn’s lap and everyone is yelling and eventually Teresa and Melissa separate them and everyone goes to their separate villas. What even was that? What just happened? Where are we? Who are these people again?

The next morning, Jacqueline and Laurita stay in bed, refusing to go dog sledding and skiing with the rest of the group. There, Jacqueline pouts that Robyn threatened her, and announces that she wants to go home early with Laurita. “Whatever,”shrugs Laurita. “OK.”

Meanwhile, everyone else goes dog sledding. BREAKING NEWS: watching other people go dog sledding is exactly as exciting as you think it is.

bored now

Afterwards, Teresa, Melissa, Folletto, Robyn and Christina cross country ski — or, more accurately,Teresa, Melissa, Folletto, Robyn and Christina put on cross country skis, flail around, fall. There, Melissa and Teresa decide that Jacqueline is threatened by their relationship, and that is why she’s acting out towards Robyn, which is a long way to go, but might not be completely inaccurate.

Meanwhile, Siggy and Dolores meet with Laurita and Jacqueline for drinks where Jacqueline announces her intention to leave the trip early. If Teresa would rather hang out with that Robyn person, then so be it. Siggy and Dolores protest that they don’t want Jacqueline to leave: the point of this trip was not to spend time with Robyn and Christina, it was to spend time together as a cast friends.

Later, Siggy and Dolores come to Jacqueline and Laurita with their decision: Jac shouldn’t go, she’s not the one that started the fight. And really, when you thinkg about it, it’s for the best that Robyn and Christina be the ones to leave, Teresa can’t be involved in any sort of scuffle while she’s on probation. So they’ll just tell Teresa that she needs to ask Robyn and Christina to leave. I’m sure that’ll go great!

Meanwhile, back in New Jersey, Meatball hangs out with the girls, tries to be affectionate. It’s almost convincing!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sundays on Bravo at 7/8 CST.

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