The Real Housewives of Dallas
May 30, 2016
So Stephanie’s husband, Whosit’s birthday is coming up, and she is tasked with planning a party for him. Because the “story” with these two is that he’s a control freak who second-guesses everything she does, the big question of the episode is, “Will Whathisjunk allow Stephanie to plan his birthday party without second-guessing everything she does?” And the answer is, “YAWN.” If your biggest problem in this life is that your husband looks over your shoulder while you make arrangements for his lavish birthday party, then you don’t have real problems. Also, just tell him to plan his own damn party. Problem: solved.
Also celebrating a birthday, Cary and Dr. Husband’s daughter, Zuri, who is turning three. Cary orders Zuri a white birthday cake, Dr. Husband orders Zuri waaaaay too many presents. When he tries to give Zuri all of her 879 presents, his daughter announces that she doesn’t want them. Oh, rich people and your nauseatingly conspicuous consumption, you’re so
Elsewhere, LeeAnne meets Officer Boyfriend for lunch to discuss her upcoming speech at ladies with HIV and how she has invited Stephanie to attend. Officer Boyfriend is like, “Uh, great? I guess? Is that what you want me to say? ‘Great?'”
Stephanie, Brandi and Whatshisface’s assistant, some bird creature named Courtney, go look at a bar where Stephanie is planning to host this party, the theme of which Stephanie has decided will be “Gatsby.” Show of hands: How many of you think that Stephanie has read The Great Gatsby –WAIT– and that she understood it? Because could there be anything more ironic than a bunch of new monied yahoos who spend their cash on $75,000 diamond bracelets and samurai statues and Rolls Royces throwing themselves a party whose theme is based on a novel about the disillusionment with the American Dream and how wealth corrupts? It would be like the heir to a slaughterhouse throwing himself a “The Jungle” themed party, or the owner of a coal mine asking everyone to dress up like their favorite Zola character for his birthday.
The point is, while hanging out at the bar where she’s going to throw this “Gatsby” party, Stephanie warns Brandi that she’s going to invite LeeAnne because she’s pretty much contractually obligated to do so.
So, LeeAnne’s speech. Basically she tells a roomful of women with HIV that she understands their pain because she was molested as a child, before assuring them that they are all worthy and making them come up to the stage with her for some reason. Stephanie cries.
Later, Stephanie has dinner with her family, where Ol’ Whosit demands that she jump out of a cake in a bikini and her sons suggest she order their father a “poo poo” cake. These Gatsby party plans are really coming along!
Stephanie calls Brandi, because she knows she’ll appreciate a good poop story, and also to confirm that yes, in fact she will be inviting LeeAnne to Whatshisface’s birthday party, so could she try to make nice, please.
To this end, Brandi calls LeeAnne (or as Brandi’s phone calls her, “Loud Mouth”) and invites her to meet for lunch or coffee to hash things out once and for all. LeeAnne cautiously agrees. The pair meet over salads where Brandi explains that Stephanie told her about LeeAnne’s speech and she’s had time to reflect on how LeeAnne is trying to help people by sharing her story and blah blah blah, Brandi knows she can push people’s buttons and yeah, sorry. In response, LeeAnne is like, “I reacted to you.” LeeAnne then tells Brandi she wants to get to know her and get drinks with her and get on the dance floor and watch Brandi “break a move…” None of this is actually an apology by any reasonable measure, but it’s all Brandi is going to get out of her, so she takes it.
Then we have a series of completely useless scenes:
Brandi and Stephanie shop for what appear to be prom dresses.
Stephanie lights one of the sparkler candles she bought for Whatshishead’s cake. Literally, she just stands there holding a candle while people are like, “Yep, that’s a candle.”
Cary and Dr. Husband get dressed for the party.
NONE OF THESE ARE SCENES. WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE, GUYS?
Finally, this party. People arrive in their flapper dresses and headbands and feathers and wigs? There are a lot of wigs happening here? LeeAnne is wearing an inexplicably white wig? And That Marie Person is also wearing a wig for some reason? Were the 20s known for wigs? ~falls down a google hole~ (And the answer, at least according to the website fashion-history.lovetoknow.com is “No.”)
Cary, for her part, wears a lovely beaded dress that she wore at her wedding, which has a 20s vibe, but is not explicitly a flapper dress, and everyone criticizes her for not wearing a costume, completely ignoring the fact that Brandi appears to be wearing a prom dress for some reason.
During the party, Brandi, That Marie Person, Tiffany and LeeAnne crowd into a booth where LeeAnne attempts to speak Brandi’s language by telling stories that involve pepperoni and jalapeño pizza and the need for ice cubes in the bathroom. At one point, LeeAnne mimes being on the toilet. For those of you keeping count, this is the fifth poop-related story in eight episodes of this series.
Brandi then announces that since LeeAnne and Cary both have birthdays coming up, they should all go down to Austin together for a girls’ trip because
, again, this is a Bravo reality show about a group of women and so they must go on at least one trip together, thems the contractually obligated rules fun! However, when Stephanie informs Cary of this plan she is less than enthused, wonders how many corn dogs she’ll be invited to fellate.
Finally, when they return home, Stephanie surprises Whatshisnameagain by jumping out of a cake, just like he asked. Happy birthday, Whosit. You did it, buddy.
The Real Housewives of Dallas airs on Bravo on Monday at 9 p.m.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.