‘The Real Housewives of New York’: S’more fighting

The Real Housewives of New York City
“BBQ, Brunch or Bust”
April 27, 2016

IMPORTANT REMINDER: Bethenny is hosting a “Tailgate Chic” birthday party for herself at her Hamptons home. This involves instructing guests to wear sweaters and boots, lining the driveway with Moscow Mules to lure the unsuspecting guests inside and renting a mobile log cabin so as to grill sausages inside of it.

“And watch out for live-ins. You will get some live-ins.”

Before they head over to Bethenny’s, Dorinda and Jules plead with Fudgie to please please please just say he’s sorry to Bethenny — NOTHING MORE THAN THAT, THOUGH, NOT ONE EXTRA WORD, DON’T BE STUPID, FUDGIE. Fudgie is all, “Sure, whatever you want, I’ll do it, you’re the boss, but she shouldn’t have been talking about me.” So he gets it.

Dorinda reminds him that he barged into a LINGERIE PARTY that he WAS NOT INVITED TO and that is reason enough to make some apologies. As Fudgie reluctantly agrees and waddles off screen, Dorinda admits that she’s nervous about what, exactly, he is going to do. And she should be. Because he’s just the worst.

Princess Carole is the first to arrive at Bethenny’s so that the two of them can talk privately (on camera) about how they are losing respect for Dorinda for staying with Fudgie, and agree that there is no possible way Dorinda would dare bring him to Bethenny’s birthday party, right? RIGHT? Bethenny then reminds Her Highness that The Countess will be in attendance.

Next to arrive is Ramona, who is wearing a cowboy hat for some reason. Did she think she was there to buy a miniature horse? Confused. However, Ramona announces early on that she is not staying at the party for long, and she will certainly not be at Jules’ brunch in the morning, she’s got a hot date in the city that night. Possibly with the Naked Cowboy.

And there’s a giant rubber duck in the yard? I don’t even know what is happening here.

What? Why?

Jules, Whoshisface, Dorinda, and Fudgie soon arrive to Bethenny’s profound surprise and chagrin. And thus begins twenty minutes of Fudgie just following Bethenny all over her party and Bethenny fleeing in terror. Bravo should have sped up this footage, played “Yakety Sax” over it and been done with the episode.

Bethenny eventually hides from Fudgie behind a plate of barbecue at a picnic table with a bunch of girlfriends, including Princess Serene, who is herself trying to hide from The Countess. It doesn’t work. However, after being greeted icily by Her Highness, and realizing there is no room for her at the royal picnic table, The Countess eats her plate of smoked meats with Ramona, Dorinda and Jules, whining about the “mean girls.”

Bethenny eventually apologizes to The Countess for making her feel excluded at the “cheerleader’s table” and asks if she feels uncomfortable around Princess Radzi, because she’s here to tell The Countess Her Highness is very uncomfortable around her. The Countess notes that she would like to bury the hatchet with Princess Carole, and Bethenny is all, “Good! Because you two are in the exact same place, but on opposite sides of the fence.” To this, The Countess wonders OUT LOUD, what she ever did to Her Serenesss.

Bethenny is like, “I literally can not with you and your oblivious nonsense right now, because I have to deal with Fudgie the Shark who is circling me, goodbye.”

But instead of talking to Fudgie, Bethenny avoids him again by grabbing a plate of s’mores’ makings, and heads to a fire pit. There, The Countess corners Princess Carole in an effort to hash things out. But The Countess starts by saying they both “said a lot of hurtful things.” Princess is like, “LEMME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE. What, exactly, did I ever say that was hurtful to you? OH, THAT’S RIGHT, NOTHING.” The Countess tries to come up with something to accuse Princess Carole of having said, but the best she can do is, “Uhhh… something on Twitter maybe?” Her Serene Highness is like, “Whatever. I literally have no time for you, let’s not be friends, bye girl bye.” And with that, she stomps inside to get a drink she doesn’t even want.

In her bar shed, Bethenny attempts to avoid Fudgie some more, fails. She eventually sighs heavily, and invites Fudgie to come outside and get whatever it is he needs to get off of his ample chest. There, Fudgie tries to apologize, but Bethenny is not having it, asking him if he even knows what he’s apologizing for. Does he even remember what happened? And, honestly, it’s not clear that he does.

Bethenny helpfully reminds him that he came after her business, which was uncool and uncalled for. But instead of just saying, “Yeah, that was stupid, I’m sorry and happy birthday,” Fudgie gets defensive and begins whining that Bethenny was saying bad things about him, too. Bethenny asks if he even knows what it was she said about him — and, again, it’s not clear that he does. So, instead he calls Bethenny an “opportunist” which she happily accepts, pointing out that the difference between the two of them is that she makes her own opportunities and doesn’t use others. Frustrated, Fudgie says he’s, “sorry for stepping out of bounds on behalf of a person [he] loves. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.” A+++ apology! Very sincere! Great job!

Bethenny returns to the bar shed for a much-needed cocktail, where Dorinda is busy crying about how nobody understands her relationship with Fudgie (TRUTH), so Bethenny marches back outside, finds Fudgie and demands that they make a truce for Dorinda. “FINE,” he says. “FINE,” Bethenny says.

And with that, Bethenny’s terrible horrible no good very bad birthday party is over, thank the goodness.

But we’re not done with the Hamptons. Jules and Whatshizface host a bagel brunch at their home, which, according to Bethenny, is 45 minutes from nowhere. Bethenny and Princess Carole have agreed that they are going to be at the brunch for as short a time as humanly possible, considering Bethenny doesn’t want to be anywhere near Fudgie, and Her Highness doesn’t want to be in the same room with The Countess.

Upon arrival, Bethenny immediately notices the giant unfinished pool in the middle of the living room, and asks disapprovingly how they keep their kids away from the construction. Upon learning that their house is a “7 year project,” Bethenny announces that she renovated her Hamptons home and Manhattan apartment in 3 months, and that this place is a money pit they’ll never be able to sell. Jules, understandably, is insulted by this, and proceeds to remind us 15 times that her house is 10 times the size of Bethenny’s. SO EAT IT, FRANKEL. (Because Jules is certainly not going to.)

Jules and Whatshisbutt put out a metric ton of bagels and cream cheese — I’m sorry, “SCHMEAR,” — and everyone eats and eats and eats except for Jules who just watches condescendingly. And hungrily.

Oh and Fudgie is menaced by a bee that clearly knows Fudgie is allergic and who is #TeamBethenny.

Eventually, The Countess arrives which is Princess Carole’s cue to leave. After a quick, panicked tour of the indoor pool, Bethenny and Her Highness go running from Jules’ house as if they’ve “stolen a diamond,” because who needs a bunch of bee bagels, honestly.

The Real Housewives of New York airs on Bravo on Wednesday, April 6th at 8/9 p.m.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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