Bachelor in Paradise
August 2, 2015
Oh yay, it’s another season of Bachelor in Paradise, the exhaustingly self-aware Bachelor franchise wherein they take a bunch of cast-offs from earlier Bachelor and Bachelorette seasons, trap them in a foreign country, wait for them to rub their body parts together and call it “love.”
It’s very romantic. I do look forward to watching three hours of this every single week.
HOUR ONE.
We are back in poor, never-asked-for-this, besieged Mexico, a lovely country that deserves so much better than to be insulted by the likes of Donald Trump and our Bachelor and Bachelorette Rejects. Chris Harrison doesn’t even really bother explaining how any of this works, because, who cares, just go with it, have a drink and stop thinking so much, it’s only Bachelor in Paradise, not something serious like The Bachelor.
This season’s Bachelor and Bachelorette Rejects include:
Ashley I. from Farmer Teeth’s season of The Bachelor, or, as I called her, “Khaste Kardashian” on account of the fact that she looks like a missing Kardashian sister and that she is a virgin and won’t shut up about it. Khaste sort of laughs at her own ridiculous behavior during The Bachelor. Sort of. She also informs us that her younger sister, Lauren, is decidedly NOT a virgin, and OH GOD NO, ARE THEY BRINGING THE SISTER ON THIS SHOW?
Jared from Lenny Bruce’s season of The Bachelorette, whom I called “Cousin Max” on account of his uncanny resemblance to my own younger cousin Max. You’re just going to have to trust me on that. Cousin Max made it to the final four before being unceremoniously dumped by Lenny B. right before the fantasy suites because she did not want to make the sex with him. Cousin Max spends a lot of time thinking about this while staring off into the middle distance.
Ashley S. from Farmer Teeth’s season whom I nicknamed “Bloomin’ Onion,” because this happened on the first night of her season of The Bachelor:
These days, Bloomin’ Onion spends her time chasing terrified pigs and chickens around some farm.
Tanner from Lenny Bruce’s season and whom I never gave a nickname other than “Some Guy Named Tanner,” which for our purposes here we will shorten to just “Tanner,” unless or until he gives me a more appropriate nickname. For some reason, he puts on a wig and pretends to be Lenny Bruce not knowing who he is, which, ha?
Jade, whom I nicknamed “Boobs McTrashShoes” during Farmer Teeth’s season on account of her predilection for prancing around with her boobs out whilst wearing stripper heels. And I gave her this name before we learned she had posed for Playboy! I’m a psychic! Boobs lets us know that people have been really nice to her about the whole “making Farmer Teeth look at her naked pictures while she sat right next to him in the most awkward moment to ever air on broadcast TV” thing, which, good for her, I guess.
Jillian from Farmer Teeth’s season whom I called “Olivia Munn Wannabe” because she bears a slight resemblance to Olivia Munn and is a news producer, sorta like Olivia Munn’s character on The Newsroom. However, had I waited a little longer, I would have called her “Black Box” because the clothes she wore throughout the season were so skimpy as to need to be black boxed lest everyone see her ladyparts. Olivia Munn has since had breast enhancement surgery, because she is a bottomless pit of need and sadness.
Dan who the show claims was from Princess Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette, but of whom I have NO MEMORY WHATSOEVER. After reviewing my photo gallery of that season, I see that his nickname was “Handsome” because he looked like a toothpaste model. Handsome has spent his time since The Bachelorette growing a beard.
Juelia from Farmer Teeth’s season was nicknamed “Other Widow” because she was one of TWO widows that season. So many widows! She shows pictures of the Bachelor in Paradise contestants to her two-year-old and solicits her opinions. She’d be better off spending that time rethinking her parenting philosophies and how she spells her name.
Tenley, who apparently was on Jake Pevelka’s Bachelor season and chirps at us that we should remember her from Bachelor Pad, season one. I do not remember her from Bachelor Pad, season one. But apparently that season she hooked up with something called a “Kiptyn” only to have this “Kiptyn” later dump her and impregnate some other woman, breaking Tenley’s heart. She now is under the impression that the best way to repair her heart is to hang out with a gaggle of body-lice infested ManApes 15 years her junior. You do you, Tenley.
Carly from Farmer Teeth’s season, whom I called “Little Miss Glitter Girl 2003,” on account of her misleadingly pageanty behavior on the first night on The Bachelor. She turned out to be weird and hilarious and one of my favorite contestants, in no small part because she mocked Clingy thusly:
And also, this face is everything:
Jonathan from Lenny Bruce’s season who had the unfortunate nickname of “Car Spokesman” because that was his job title and I didn’t know what that job title even meant. I will be dropping this nickname and seeking a better one. Any and all suggestions are welcome.
Mikey T. from Princess Desiree’s season and whom I renamed “Family First” because on the first night he yammered a bunch of incoherent nonsense about how he puts “family first.” He is an overmuscled greaseball who is an embarrassment to other, more dignified Italian stereotypes.
Kirk from Ali’s season of The Bachelorette which I decidedly did not watch and the second season of Bachelor Pad, which I did watch and apparently on which I called him “Some Blonde Guy” because who are you even, Kirk? Fun fact: he was put in the loser limo on the final episode of Bachelor Pad while wearing this spandex suit, so that’s pretty funny:
J.J., or “Unemployed” from Lenny Bruce’s season, thusly named because his job description was “Former Investment Banker” which is not a job. Unemployed is a jackass who was publicly humiliated by Amy Schumer in a moment that will live in Bachelorette infamy.
The first to arrive to contaminate “Paradise” is ol’ Boobs McTrashShoes, followed soon by Cousin Max, who admits that Boobs is the one person he most hoped to meet. They are holding hands within moments of meeting. Tenley and Glitter Girl arrive soon after, followed by Jonathan who is mesmerized by how white everyone’s teeth are. Tanner shows up with Family First right behind him, loudly declaring that he’s an “alpha male” all hopped up on testosterone and offering to help the other men “get jacked.” Everyone is duly impressed.
And then Khaste Kardashian arrives with her sister Khlamydia, and everyone is like, “WAIT WHAT NO WAIT.” But there are no rules in “Paradise,” kids! You know, except for all those rules about the dates and the roses and the don’t sleep with the crew unless you want to be humiliated on national television with hilarious reenactments of your rendezvous with mannequins. You know, except for those rules.
The other contestants ask the sisters what will happen if they are interested in the same man, and Khaste assures them that it has happened before: she made out with them and Khlamydia declares she “finished” them.
It’s going to be a long season.
With this sort of demonstrated klass and dekorum, Khlamydia catches Family First’s eye, and he initiates the meathead mating ritual by stripping off his shirt. The entire cast hasn’t even arrived, and we’ve already lost a shirt.
Such a long season.
And I didn’t even get to the part where Jonathan assures us that he’s been with a pair of sisters at the same time (EW). But then when he’s informed that Khaste is a virgin, he promises that virgins are a lot of “work” but “worth it.” (EW, NO, STOP.) I am not going to survive this season, you guys. I’m not going to make it. You should go on without me.
Anyway, Khlamydia, to her credit, laughs in Family First’s big stupid face for shaving his armpits, but then to her immense discredit goes ahead and frolics in the surf with him. Later, she complains to Khaste that Family First was too aggressive and that “meatheads” aren’t her type. But Khaste doesn’t hear her because she’s too busy mooning over Cousin Max and trying to fix her ponytail just so in the hopes of distracting him from Boobs McTrashShoes and her boobs.
Kirk and Dan, or Handsome, or as we will now call him, “Dansome” because why not, both arrive, and Glitter Girl is ALL OVER Kirk, being the only person who actually knows who he is.
Olivia Munn, her black box and her new breasticles come shrieking into “Paradise” in nothing more than a much-too small bikini and a cloud of insecurity, followed, to everyone’s chagrin, by Unemployed. “Oh,” they say. “It’s that guy.” Other Widow arrives, not that anyone really notices, and then, finally, Bloomin’ Onion, who spends 10 minutes staring at some parrots. MESA VERDE 4 EVA.
With Bloomin’ Onion’s arrival, the first round of Rejects are assembled, but before bodily fluids can be exchanged or tears shed, Chris Harrison collects everyone in the main casa to explain that this week the “gentlemen” (hahahaha, gentlemen, OK) will be handing out the roses, and one Lady Reject will be sent packing. Additionally, for some reason, if one of the Kardashian sisters is chosen, the other gets to stay in Paradise with her — but if neither Kardashian sister is chosen, they both go home. This package deal hardly seems fair to the other female Rejects, but then on the other hand, I don’t really khare.
Then Chris Harrison leads the Rejects out to the beach to be witnesses at, and inspired by, the wedding of former Bachelor in Paradise contestants, Texas Pole and Lacy. Or, as we probably should say “wedding,” seeing as TMZ reports that no wedding license was filed in either Mexico or the U.S.
Oh, Chris Harrison. I am disappoint.
And then, “married” Texas Pole, based on standing near the cast for a few minutes, announces that he thinks there are maybe 1, 2 … heck, even 3 couples who could be as happy as himself and his new “bride” in this new group of Rejects. WOW! THERE COULD BE AS MANY AS 3 OTHER COUPLES WHO COULD BE FAKE MARRIED IN A YEAR? WHAT PROMISE! WHAT POTENTIAL!
HOUR TWO.
That bit of Bachelor theater taken care of, the Rejects are set loose on the bar, and begin drinking heavily because you would too. The alcohol loosens everyone up, and within moments, the men are swarming Boobs McTrashShoes; Glitter Girl and Kirk are making out; and Khlamydia is sobbing so hysterically that she can’t even talk. Why is she crying? I don’t know. Because she doesn’t like any of the men? Because Other Widow and Tenley are “so old?” Because she’s drunk and dumb and slowly coming to the realization that she made a series of choices in her life that have led her here, trapped on a reality show with a bunch of greased-up halfwits and there’s no air conditioning? Because she just needs to go to bed already?
After Khaste puts her krazy sister to bed, because go to bed, you’re done, Khaste decides to try to talk to the one man she is interested in: Cousin Max. And by “talk to,” I mean she sits sort of near him and stares silently into the bonfire. Eventually, as Cousin Max tries to make his escape from this awkwardness, Khaste begins loudly braying at him that she is a princess, but not like a Cinderella princess, no, she’s Princess Jasmine from Aladdin. Cousin Max is like, “that’s cool,” and hurries off to find Boobs McTrashShoes. “That went well!” chirps Khaste. But then she sees Cousin Max talking to Boobs McTrashShoes and begins hysterically cry-laughing because she literally does not understand that grown men aren’t charmed by adult women who call themselves Disney Princesses. Oh, and ALL THE KARDASHIANS MUST GO TO BED NOW.
The next morning, The Producers give Khaste Kardashian the first date card, and she immediately begins freaking out at the idea of asking Cousin Max out because she is emotionally stunted at the age of nine. We spend like ten minutes watching her CRY SOME MORE …
… and rehearse how she’s going to ask Cousin Max out. Should she say, “Hey, Cousin Max, I’d love it if you’d go on this date with me?” or should she say, “Cousin Max, I have this date card, would you like to go on the date with me?” OR! should she say, “Cousin Max, would you go on this date with me?”
THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!
Meanwhile, Cousin Max, waiting for the inevitable, looks like he’s going to vomit, but when Khaste finally gets her act together (and goes with, “Cousin Max, will you go with me?” upending everyone’s expectations) he agrees because why not. It’s better than sitting around this place watching Bloomin’ Onion kiss parrots.
And so Cousin Max and Khaste Kardashian go drive around in a dune buggy and drink champagne on what appears to be a very public beach and talk about Lenny Bruce and zodiac signs. Fascinating stuff.
Meanwhile, back at Casa de Soltero, the next date card arrives, this time addressed to Boobs McTrashShoes. But what is she to do? The man she wants to ask is out on a date with Khaste Kardashian and he may never return … Boobs takes this difficult decision up to a balcony for some serious gazing into the horizon. When she comes downstairs to make her choice, she discovers that Cousin Max and Khaste have returned, and thus he is technically available to go out with her. But to Khaste’s immense relief, Boobs asks Tanner instead.
The two go to dinner where Tanner reveals that her Playboy spread is no big deal to him because he is about to do a Playgirl shoot next month. Hey! Who knew they were even still publishing Playgirl! And then they splash around in some cold river in their underpants and make out, the end.
Things are much more interesting at the Casa de Soltero where with very little fanfare, an ambulance arrives and carts off Bloomin’ Onion. No explanation is ever given for why, exactly, so I’m going to assume she contracted Avian Flu from making out with all those parrots.
But because Bloomin’ Onion is now in the hospital battling a raging case of H5N1, the show has to restore the male/female imbalance, so they resort to bringing in that old raccoon molester herself, Clare from Juan Pablo’s disaster of a season, or “Niña de Papa,” as I called her, on account of the fact that she spent her entire tenure on The Bachelor unsuccessfully working out her dead daddy issues. Anyway, this crazy is back, and Chris Harrison arms her with a date card before she goes inside to announce her presence. So heads up, ManRejects and raccoons! The reckoning is nigh!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Sundays and Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. Saints and tequila preserve me.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.