Bachelor in Paradise
August 11, 2014
A friend asked me on Facebook if I happened to catch the opening of this week’s episode, what with the dummy
falling jumping off the balcony and then the producers making him spell his last name on camera (“P-U-T-Z”) and I said that I had, and I added that this show is “fantastic.” And, no lie, the principal of my child’s elementary school saw that I wrote this and, taken aback, demanded clarification that I meant it in my typically snarky way. And I did! I did mean it in a snarky way!
But I also didn’t?
Because the thing is, this show — sort of like Bachelor Pad, except somehow even more so — this show knows exactly what it is. And what it is, is garbage. Pure, shameless garbage about garbage people doing garbage things. And what makes it fantastic is that unlike The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, The Producers are not trying to dress up this garbage by pretending that it’s an earnest show about earnest people earnestly falling in love. In this series, even more so than on Bachelor Pad, The Producers are openly mocking these reality show rejects and their pitiful need for attention and affirmation, thereby (perhaps unwittingly) revealing how the sausage that is the fairy tale of The Bachelor and Bachelorette is made. It’s not pretty, but it is hilarious.
For instance, before we get to the hive of Rejects down at the beach, Chris Harrison explains that we are not quite done with last week’s chapter involving that Michelle K. lady who no one knew and who peaced out of her own volition before any of the men could summarily reject her. It seems that The Producers were, reasonably, suspicious that there was something more to her story than just, “You guys are losers, I’m out of here,” maybe because she kept broadly hinting that she was actively getting it on with someone off of the show.
To investigate, Chris Harrison brings us back to the hotel where the Rejects come in and out of on their way down to Hep C Beach, and explains that before taping began, Michelle K. made amigos with someone at the hotel — unlocking the doors between adjoining rooms kind of friends. So, the morning after she left the Rejects, Chris Harrison decided to ambush her in her hotel room. This was not well-received by Michelle K. who slammed the door in Chris Harrison’s face, and YOU DO NOT SLAM THE DOOR IN CHRIS HARRISON’S FACE. It seems that Michelle K.’s adjoining room amigo was a boom mic guy on the crew, a fact that Michelle K. admitted to one of the nameless producers but was unwilling to discuss on camera for reasons.
And then the hilarious happened: at some point, either the night she sent herself packing or the night after Chris Harrison tried to confront her? It’s unclear? a casting lady knocked on her door to inform her that it was time for her scheduled appointment with the cast psychologist (half-answering one of my burning questions from last week). At that point Boom Mic Guy, who was very much so in Michelle K.’s room, presumably pantless, hid out on the balcony from Casting Lady. This probably would have been good enough to hide him, but, for reasons unclear (tequila), Dumb Boom Mic Guy made the hilarious decision to JUMP FROM THE BALCONY while yelling, “MY JOB! MY JOB! IT’S NOT WORTH IT!” Even more hilariously, The Producers recreate this entire vignette using a mannequin. Dumb Boom Mic Guy, unsurprisingly, managed to shatter both his legs in the process, on account of the balcony being 25 feet off the ground, and also because he’s a dumb dummy.
We then meet Dumb Boom Mic Guy in the hospital, both legs in casts, where The Producers ask him on camera if jumping off the balcony was a Good Idea or a Bad Idea. They then ask him to give and spell his name: Ryan Putz, gifting us all with the unforgettable, “P-U-T-Z.”
Well played, The Producers. And this is why I called this a “fantastic” show.
But onto the real reason we are here: The Rejects. The Rejects helpfully remind us who amongst them have “made connections” which are going to last forever and ever and will definitely end in Chris Harrison-officiated marriages and little Bachelor babies, absolutely:
- CrazLee has marked Graham as her territory through a complicated process that involved tears, slut shaming and implied threats to her own and others’ safety
- Gordon Gekko and Elise who, at least according to Elise, fell madly in love at first sight
- Texas Pole and Triple Double Threat who dropped poor, shirtless Human Directional like a spinny sign on a hot day as soon as Texas Pole expressed real interest in her
Human Directional hopes that his luck will change this week, hopes that are diminished as soon as Smug Chris, the newest addition to the Treehouse, comes sauntering up the beach with a date card in hand. NOT SMUG CHRIS! the Rejects wail, who, as we should remind you, is from Planet Villain in the Bachelor Universe. Smug Chris was so very smug during St. Emily’s season, only to then move on to Bachelor Pad where he made the best of a gross situation and hooked up with as many women as were willing — which, as it turns out, was most of them.
Upon arriving at the Treehouse, Smug Chris immediately offers Niña de Papá the date card, who accepts because she is a bad judge of character and in possession of very little self-regard (See: Juan Pablo). The two go for a couple’s massage down the beach, where Smug Chris spends most of his time insisting to Niña de Papá that he’s not so bad! No, really! He’s not a bad guy! He doesn’t murder puppies, for instance, and he doesn’t steal his grandmother’s social security check (every month)! Please to give him the rose this week! And Niña de Papá finds herself saying things like “Smug Chris is coming off like a man, not a little boy,” and that she is “liking what [she is] hearing” and that “Smug Chris is becoming more and more attractive,” because as we have established, Niña de Papá is a terrible judge of character who is drawn to creeps like a fly to mierda.
Back at the house, Human Directional pouts in the general direction (good pun, high five) of Texas Pole and
Triple Double Threat, meowing that it’s TOTALLY NOT COOL that she just is openly making out with Texas Pole right in front of Human Directional like she did not just rub her parts all over Human Directional JUST THE OTHER DAY.
Triple Double Threat is most definitely not thinking about Human Direcional or his parts, especially after Texas receives the date card and promises to get her out of the Treehouse for a few hours. The pair go to Xcaret for dinner and talk about Texas’ experience on The Bachelorette and light some candlezzzzzzz …. WHOOPS, FELL ASLEEP, SO BORING.
Less boring, and decidedly more hilarious, however, is the Love Story of Our Times: Gordon Gekko and Elise, who Elise assures us, are drawn to each other and connecting on every. single. level. And Gordon Gekko totally agrees! Except for the part where he feels “smothered” and is “losing opportunities” to “meet” (rub his parts on) other people there at the Treehouse.
As Elise burbles inanities at him about their zodiac signs and how they don’t need a date card, they make their own dates, Gordon Gekko stares silently into the vast Gulf, clearly debating whether or not he should just jump in and swim until he hits the States. Eventually, Gordon Gekko, unable to take any more of Elise’s blathering about what they should name their kids, announces that, you know, if she were to be asked out on a date by one of the other guys, it would be totally cool with him if she decided to go, that’s the whole reason they are here: to meet new people, so. This, as it turns out, was a tactical error on Gordon Gekko’s part. Granted, anyone with a working adult brain would have understood his intended message: “I want to rub my parts on other people’s parts, ok bye now.” But Elise has the comprehension of a cocker spaniel, and instead hears, “I am pushing you away because my feelings for you are TOO intense. Therefore, go and fly away, my butterfly. Be with someone else, which will bring me to my senses, and I shall realize how in love with you I really am. Then I shall propose marriage to you during the next rose ceremony, declaring my feelings to you for God and the all other Rejects to hear, and they all shall tremble in the blinding light of our love.” I WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GROW OUR RELATIONSHIP, Elise announces. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, declares Elise.
And then the Rejects hang out on the beach and participate in what they insist on calling “YOPOing,” or “You Only Paradise Once,” also known as “Now We Drink All of the Tequila.” Elise, consumed with wooing Gordon Gekko back, does the only logical thing: she puts on her stringiest string bikini — so stringy we have to blur out her culo — and leads Smug Chris out into the ocean where she proceeds to rub her tongue all over his tongue BECAUSE SHE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR TRUE LOVE. Everyone watches this unfold with a curious mixture of horror and bemusement, and for Niña de Papá, slight irritation that she now has to find someone else to offer her rose (and her “rose”).
The next morning, Elise is all, “Yeah, I shoved my tongue into Smug Chris’s mouth, Gordon Gekko wanted me to FOR LOVE. DON’T ANY OF YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS?” And everyone else is like, “Oh. Honey. No.” But Elise assures us that she is going to be strong, because what she and Gordon Gekko have together is special. Relationships are complicated, and sometimes there are challenges, but that just brings people closer, and if she has to roll around in the surf wearing little more than a handkercief and floss with another man to prove to Gordon Gekko that she loves him, then she will do it. FOR THEIR FUTURE.
And because their relationship is so special, Elise finds Gordon Gekko and sits him down to explain to him that she did what he told her to do, she kissed someone else, so now they can be together again, hooray! Gordon Gekko, who most definitely wanted Elise to go forth and make out with someone, ANYONE else, sees the opportunity to wash his hands of her once and for all, and feigns anger and disappointment that she would disrespect him in such a way. How DARE she! But this is yet another tactical error, because instead of hearing “OK GOODBYE TO YOU NOW, CHEATING CHEATER” Elise’s deranged cocker spaniel brain hears Gordon Gekko saying, “I AM JEALOUS, FIGHT FOR ME AND OUR LOVE!” Elise reminds Gordon Gekko that he’s the one who told her to do this as a test of their relationship, and Gordon Gekko is like, “NO! I DID NOT! THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP! DO NOT OFFER ME YOUR ROSE AT THE ROSE CEREMONY!” But Elise, she knows the truth: this is just a bump in the long road that is The Story of Them, and that he wouldn’t be so upset if he didn’t care about her, which means they have a connection and she is NOT ABOUT TO BREAK THAT CONNECTION.
Meanwhile, some guy named Zach who was on Princess Desiree’s season so briefly that he did not earn himself a nickname, shows up to the Treehouse with a date card and Niña de Papá nearly pees her bragas in excitement. It seems that she met him in the Bachelor recovery 12-step program, and the two of them became friends. And because of their previous relationship, Some Guy Named Zach offers Niña de Papá his date card as Niña de Papá is the only woman allowed to go on any dates, ever.
Their date takes them into the city of Tulum proper, which Niña de Papá finds very exciting as she is half-Mexican, a heritage that she celebrates by trying on
hats sombreros. ¡Viva la Raza!
The pair then go to the ocean where they strip down and talk about “phermones” and rub their parts on each other and then Niña de Papá assures us that they have a connection, and she knows that they have a connection because she felt his connection in the ocean, which 1. THAT IS TOO MUCH INFORMATION and 2. NO, GROSS, YOUR DEAD PADRE CAN SEE YOU, CHICA.
Back at the Treehouse, CrazLee asks Elise in all sincerity if she didn’t think for half of one second that kissing someone else might hurt Gordon Gekko, and Elise, in all sincerity, explains again that this is a good thing, because now they know that they truly care about one another. Elise is not irrational or anything, she knows that there are hurdles in this race and that it might take a little longer to finish than she expected. She also knows that there is fear in Gordon Gekko’s heart — fear that he cares too much about her, but she is going to focus on him now and she is going to visualize what they can be together and everything is going to work out just fine and they are going to have children together one day, JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE.
Meanwhile, Smug Chris enjoyed his rub time with Elise very much, and recognizes that since he alienated Niña de Papá by chewing on Elise’s face in front of everyone, he kinda needs Elise’s rose to stick around this competition. And that’s why in a fit of pseudo jealousy, Smug Chris calls Gordon Gekko “Fat Damon” which is a pretty good nickname, I’m genuinely sorry I didn’t come up with it.
As for Gordon Gekko, he explains to Texas that Smug Chris can have Elise, please and thank you. Texas reminds him that
he is going to need a rose to stick around another week there are other “cool girls” at the Treehouse, like Buster for instance. Has he considered Buster?
So that’s why when Gordon Gekko receives the date card (because OF COURSE Gordon Gekko receives the date card, The Producers might be a lot of things, but “peacemakers” are not among them), he asks Buster, much to her shock and surprise. Buster’s so surprised, in fact, that she asks for a time out before having to give him an answer, and immediately tattles to Elise, whom she describes as her “best friend.”
And as shocked and surprised Buster was by Gordon Gekko’s proposal, Elise is utterly thunderstruck … for about two seconds until she decides that the reason Gordon Gekko asked Buster out on the date is because he wants Elise to hurt like he’s been hurting because he cares about Elise just that much.
And so Gordon Gekko and Buster go on their dinner date, where Gordon Gekko, having alienated his one sure thing rose, tells Buster that she’s “gorgeous” and that “he saw something in her that he is attracted to” and that “everyone loves her” and that there is something about her that he “loves” and that he “hopes [they] can build [their] relationship” among other blatant lies.
Back at the Treehouse, Elise goes full Rainman, assuring herself that this is just “a bump in the road” and that they “can overcome this storm” and that they “found a connection in love and are going to share that forever,” and that she is “not worried” about their future together, because WHY SHOULD SHE BE? WHAT IS THERE TO BE WORRIED ABOUT? CONNECTION!
Elsewhere, while everyone else is out partying on the beach — I refuse to use their stupid made-up word for it and you CAN’T MAKE ME — inside the house, Texas “accidentally” spills some water on Prop Daddy’s backpack, and “accidentally” discovers a love letter written to Prop Daddy by some other woman who is not affiliated with the show. Texas reveals this discovery to Cookie Monster, at which point the two retreat to the fainting couch to clutch their pearls and discuss how they should proceed with this incriminating information. They decide that the only right thing to do is confront Prop Daddy and give him an opportunity to explain himself.
So they ask to speak to Prop Daddy privately, where they explain that they “found” his love letter “accidentally.” Instead of demanding to know what they were doing rooting around in his backpack, Prop Daddy totally cops to it: yes, he met someone a few weeks ago, yes, it’s serious, and yes, he still decided to come be on the show. SO? WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?
Around this point, everyone else joins in and learns that Prop Daddy has a lady friend back home — which, you know, is certainly jerky on his part, particularly and especially to the lady friend back home. But apparently, it is also jerky to Michelle OG Money, whom Prop Daddy was not dating or even speaking to, as far as I can tell. OG proceeds to lose her damn mind over this revelation, even though she might have talked to Prop Daddy once, maybe twice before this. WHY EVEN COME HERE, she screams at him. OG HAS A DAUGHTER AT HOME WHOM SHE LEFT BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO FIND A RELATIONSHIP, OG sobs. OG IS OFFENDED AND DISAPPOINTED AND PROP DADDY DOES NOT KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS FOR HER. IT’S NOT FAIR. JUST LEAVE!
With a sigh, Prop Daddy packs up his soaking wet backpack and says his goodbyes to “Hollywood,” promising that he is “done with TV,” as if TV hadn’t been done with him so very long ago.
This means that only one man will be sent home during the women’s rose ceremony, and the only question is will it be Human Directional or Human Directional? But before we can get to the part where Human Directional is sent packing, we have to go through the motions of a cocktail party.
During said cocktail party, as in a PARTY where there are COCKTAILS, Cookie Monster tests OG’s and my loyalty by taking OG aside to let her know that while he likes her, he is a little concerned by how much she likes the drinky drink. OF COURSE SHE LIKES TO DRINK, COOKIE MONSTER, LOOK AT WHERE SHE IS. I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, IS SHE SUPPOSED TO BE LISTENING TO ELISE’S DELUSIONS AND DEALING WITH CRAZLEE’S STABBINESS ALL WEEK WITHOUT A COCKTAIL IN HER HAND?
And that’s when Human Directional comes swooping in and is all, “May I refresh your beverage, OG?” making Cookie Monster realize that he might have just made a huge little mistake.
Speaking of huge little mistakes, Gordon Gekko takes Elise aside one last time to explicitly tell her to NOT GIVE HIM THE ROSE, because HE WILL NOT ACCEPT IT. And Elise is like, “so…. you want me to give you the rose.” And Gordon Gekko is all, NO. NO ROSE. DO NOT GIVE ME A ROSE. In response, Elise is all, “I can’t wait to give you the rose!” And Gordon Gekko, veins throbbing in his forehead, is all I CAN NOT MAKE THIS CLEAR ENOUGH: IF YOU GIVE ME THE ROSE, I WILL NOT TAKE IT, to which Elise informs him that he is sending her mixed signals, and asks him to quit beating around the bush. Just tell her once and for all, if Elise gives him the rose, will Gordon Gekko accept it? “NO, NO I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT ACCEPT YOUR ROSE, I DO NOT WANT YOUR ROSE, DO NOT GIVE ME YOUR ROSE. I WILL STOMP ON YOUR ROSE, I AM NOT KIDDING.” Gordon Gekko replies. “Got it!” Elise chirps, “So excited for when I give you the rose and you accept it!”
With that, off to the rose ceremony we go.
- Triple Double Threat offers Texas her rose; he accepts.
- CrazLee offers Graham her rose; he accepts because he wants to be able to sleep tonight without having to hide all the cutlery first.
- Niña de Papá offers Some Guy Named Zach her rose; he accepts.
- OG offers Cookie Monster
a drinkher rose; he accepts.
- Elise offers Gordon Gekko her rose.
Gordon Gekko does not accept it, JUST LIKE HE PROMISED HE WOULD NOT ACCEPT IT, WHAT, DID HE STUTTER?
And with that, Elise’s tiny cocker spaniel brain explodes in her tiny little head, and she announces that she needs to say something to everyone. Elise steps forward and explains that every woman deserves 100%, and a man who is going to fight for her …
… and that life brings a lot of things, ups and downs and voices in your head and every woman here deserves a man who is going to be there through thick and thin and sickness and health for richer and poorer and with that, Smug Chris, do you take Elise’s rose?
And because he calculates that he can put up with Little Miss Delusional until the next two women arrive in the next couple of days, Smug Chris accepts the rose and all the crazy that comes with it. For now.
Finally, there is one last rose left to offer between two men, Gordon Gekko and Human Directional:
- Buster offers Human Directional her rose (OH SNAP!); he accepts.
Which means that despite his very convincing story to Buster about there being something he “loves” about her, Gordon Gekko is going home.
But even though he is bummed to not
get the chance to rub his parts on other people’s parts “meet other people,” even Gordon Gekko is relieved to be getting away from Little Miss Delusional, because that level of crazy IS NOT WORTH IT.
None of this is worth it, Gordon Gekko. None of it.
Next week: It’s CrazLee’s turn to go wacko! Bring a stun gun!
Bachelor in Paradise airs 7 p.m. Mondays on ABC. Make sure you are current on all of your shots before viewing.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.