Bachelor in Paradise
August 18, 2014
We begin this episode moments after Gordon Gekko was packed up into the Pendejomobile and sent back to Connecticut after having rejected Little Miss Delusional Elise’s rose. Left with no other options, Little Miss Delusional offered Smug Chris her rose (after delivering an insane rambling speech that made everyone quite uncomfortable), which he accepted because unlike Gordon Gekko, Smug Chris understands that if you want a free Mexican Caribbean vacation, you have sometimes to put up with a little bit of crazy. But then, strangely, everyone acts like it’s odd that she didn’t just give Smug Chris the rose in the first place, pretending, I suppose, that she’s not A COMPLETELY DELUSIONAL CRAZY PERSON who had it fixed in her tiny little gerbil head that she and Gordon Gekko had been written in the stars and that when he said things like, “You should date other people,” and “Do not offer me your rose, I am not going to accept it,” he was just testing her love for him.
But now that Gordon Gekko is no longer in her line of vision, Little Miss Delusional’s goldfish brain has forgotten all about him and fixated on Smug Chris who she describes as her “blessing in disguise,” her “silver lining” and her “rainbow after the storm,” because she hasn’t met a cliché she doesn’t want to clasp to her ample bosom and suffocate.
Meanwhile, Michelle “OG Villainess” Money burbles unconvincingly about how she and Cookie Monster are deeply sexually attracted to one another and that she can see a future for the two of them. This is laughably untrue, and is proven as such when they return to the Treehouse and find Danielle, a.k.a. Nurse Ratched, from Juan Pablo’s season, with a date card that she offers to Cookie Monster. “SURE!” he says, “ABSOLUTELY!” he excitedly chirps, while OG — his “future,” visibly seethes.
So, the next morning, Cookie Monster and Nurse Ratched take a flight to Campeche, and Nurse Ratched explains to us that she developed something of a crush on Cookie Monster during Andi’s season; in fact, he’s the reason that she agreed to be on this train wreck of a dating show in the first place. Of course, The Bachelorette didn’t start airing until late May, and this series started filming in June, so it’s unclear how many episodes Nurse Ratched (not “Ratchet” even though I keep wanting to type that) could have seen him in before contacting The Producers to let them know she wanted to participate, giving her job notice, and then packing her bags and flying down to Mexico. But sure. It was super-important that she meet Cookie Monster, and he is most definitely going to be her future husband.
ANYWAY, the two of them fly to Campeche where they sit around a pool, and Nurse Ratched tells Cookie Monster all about her hugs crush on him and he tries to pretend he’s not completely weirded out and then they are nearly struck by lightning, the end.
Meanwhile, Little Miss Delusional finally receives a date card which she offers to Smug Chris. And the date appears to be an overnight one, if you know what The Producers mean, and OF COURSE WE KNOW WHAT YOU GROSS PEOPLE MEAN, STOP BEING GROSS. Smug Chris accepts enthusiastically because Smug Chris has his priorities, and wants to “get everything out of Paradise that [he] can.” STOP IT WITH THE GROSSNESS.
But then tragedy strikes in the form of a fluke knee injury that Smug Chris sustained … somehow. It’s unclear. Medics are called, bandages are wrapped, stern instructions to NOT LEAVE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES are given, numbing sprays (?) are sprayed, and then stern instructions are summarily ignored, as Smug Chris declares that he is not going to let something like a torn meniscus keep him from enjoying everything “Paradise” has to offer.
So the pair get dressed, one more painfully than the other, and Little Miss Delusional yammers on about how she is going to “take things slow” with Smug Chris, because that’s how she is with relationships, cautious and prudent. The couple then also fly to Campeche, because The Producers snagged some sort of package deal for the week. There, they have dinner, and then are offered two keys to two different hotel rooms. But Smug Chris, he did not just fly across the country with a shredded ACL to spend the night alone, so he suggests they go down to the pool, and “feel it out.” And by “it,” he means Little Miss Delusional’s ridiculous sequined bikini.
Needless to say, they end up staying in only one hotel room. Taking it slow, indeed.
Back at the Treehouse, panic descends upon OG as she realizes that she had the opportunity to offer Human Directional her rose, WHY DIDN’T SHE OFFER HUMAN DIRECTIONAL HER ROSE? After all, Human Directional is
the only man left here who isn’t attached to anyone romantically and her only real shot at staying in the game now that the men have the rose power this week who she really is attracted to and has been all along. WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?
So OG and Niña de Papá come up with a “plan” to have a “double date” with Some Guy Named Zach and Human Directional, which is nothing more than a thinly disguised attempt to keep Human Directional from spending any time alone with Buster and try to lure his rose away from Buster’s clutches. (Or clutch, as the case may be.) (I’M SORRY.) (I am not sorry.)
To OG’s credit, she just straight-up tells Buster that she is going to steal Human Directional, is that cool? And Buster is like, “No, not really, it’s not cool at all, but what am I going to do about it, right? I mean other than sit over here and cry like a big baby,” which is exactly what she proceeds to do. And so OG is like, “GREAT! THANKS!” and proceeds to lead Human Directional a little farther down the beach where she climbs all over him and purrs in his ear and tells him he’s “so tall” and tries to use all her the rest of her old Kaa moves.
But Human Directional has no idea what is happening, and the entire “double date” such as it is, is soon interrupted by the return of Cookie Monster and Nurse Ratchet, and the arrival of Jackie, a.k.a. “Lipstick” from Dallas Sean’s season who stomps up the beach out of nowhere, date card in hand. And Cookie Monster could not have been back from his date with Nurse Ratchet for more than 20 minutes before Lipstick asks him to join her, sending Nurse Ratchet into a pout spiral.
The next morning, Cookie Monster and Lipstick fly back to Campeche where they climb all over some ruins. Cookie Monster informs us that they have “real chemistry” which is demonstrated in a not-at-all awkward first kiss that he has to direct her through: “I’m going to move forward and if you are feeling it, you should move forward, but if you’re not, you can pull back…”
Back at the treehouse, Nurse Ratchet mopes near CrazLee who is like, “Yeah, that sucks for you, but anyway, don’t you think Graham and I are going to have hot babies?” Which, stop, no. Let’s begin with the phrase “hot babies,” which should NEVER, EVER, EVER BE SAID BY ANYONE. BABIES ARE NOT “HOT.” DO NOT DESCRIBE THEM THAT WAY. NOT EVER. But putting the grossness of describing babies as being hot aside, don’t you think you’re jumping the gun here a little bit, CrazLee, since you’ve never even been on a date with Graham, much less even kissed him? Maybe we can pull back on the throttle here, just a smidge?
Fortunately for CrazLee, she receives the next, and final date card of the episode, and Graham agrees to join her mostly out of sheer terror for what might happen if he said no.
Elsewhere, Texas and
Triple Double Threat still really dig each other, hang out in a hot tub.
And Niña de Papá cries to Some Guy Named Zach about her dead father, and then decides that some sea turtle who is just minding her business laying some eggs on the beach is “a sign” from her dead father, because that’s how her dead father communicates with her: through marine reptiles.
And Smug Chris and Little Miss Delusional swing by a hospital on their way back to the treehouse, because KNEE! And then they return to the treehouse where Little Miss Delusional tucks him into bed and explains in all sincerity that Smug Chris is “absolutely the reason [she] came to Paradise” and that he is “[her] man now forever.” Oh, honey, oh.
And Buster, Little Miss Delusional’s self-described best friend, is like, “WHOA, GIRL, WHOA,” but Little Miss Delusional earned her nickname honestly, and she is not going to have some Negative Nelly tell her that what she has with this man she just met for the first time three days ago, and whom she let touch her sparkly chuckalina is not the love of her life, STOP.
Finally, CrazLee and Graham go off on their overnight date to … you guessed it, Campeche because The Producers are going to milk every penny out of that private plane rental, by God. There, they have dinner together and are offered the two keys to the two different hotel rooms, to which Graham is like, “yes, we will be using both rooms, because I know if I sleep with this girl, there’s not an insignificant chance she’ll roofie me, hijack the Campeche plane and fly me to Las Vegas and I will end up married to her, so separate rooms, please and thank you.” But CrazLee, who just two episodes ago was calling Niña de Papá a “slut’ for having slept with Juan Pablo after dating him for three months, is all “ONE ROOM, PLEASE,” and starts talking about their “hot babies” again. WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THAT? STOP. STOP SAYING THAT. Graham has the good sense to insist that sharing a room would be inappropriate and manages to dodge that giant bullet of crazy. For now.
Finally, it’s rose ceremony time. After some pre-game jockeying by Buster and OG for Human Directional’s attention, and some half-hearted efforts to make us think there’s any competition between Nurse Ratchet and Lipstick for Cookie Monster’s rose, Chris Harrison arrives and makes all the Rejects line-up.
- Graham offers CrazLee his rose, thereby extending his pet rabbit’s life one more day; she accepts it.
- Some Guy Named Zach offers Niña de Papá his rose; she accepts it.
- Texas offers
TripleDouble Threat his rose; she accepts it.
- Cookie Monster offers Lipstick his rose; she accepts it.
- Human Directional offers Buster his rose; and she accepts it.
And the fact that they saved Smug Chris for last is a huge hint that Smug Chris is about to do something controversial, because otherwise Human Directional and his choice between OG and Buster would have been the big suspenseful ending.
Sure enough, Smug Chris steps forward and explains to Little Miss Delusional that he can’t give her his rose (GASP!), because he is going home (GASP!) and he would like to ask her to come home with him (GASP!). Little Miss Delusional accepts because “everything happens for a reason” and “he is the light at the end of the tunnel” and he is “the rainbow after the storm” and also “because other clichés, all the clichés, every cliché ever.”
But, because Little Miss Delusional isn’t taking the rose with her, Smug Chris can still save someone with it. To this end, Smug Chris explains that there is one person there who he believes deserves true love, and with that:
- Smug Chris offers OG his rose; she tearfully accepts, and it is actually very, very sweet even though both of these people are pretty much the very, very worst.
And so, with a hilarious soft-focus montage of their 72-hour romance, Smug Chris and Little Miss Delusional climb into the Pendejomobile and drive off into their future together, which I am sure is bright and full of promise and babies, but not hot babies because THAT IS NOT AN EXPRESSION.
Also leaving Paradise is now Reject Twice Over, Nurse Ratchet, who protests that this isn’t, in fact, Paradise, but it is “Marq-hell.” OH SNAP, NURSE RATCHED! THAT IS PRETTY CLEVER, I’M NOT EVEN KIDDING. Now take some well-meaning advice and 1. never be on one of these awful shows again and 2. stop bleaching your hair, it looks dumb.
Bachelor in Paradise airs 7 p.m. Mondays on ABC. Make sure you are current on all of your shots before viewing.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.