‘The Real Housewives of New York City’: Pooneral

The Real Housewives of New York
“Requiem for a Poodle”
May 27, 2014

Heather, The Countess and Kristen get together to shop for, I don’t know, hats? Really it’s immaterial what they are shopping for, it’s mostly an excuse to get a quorum of cast members together to do a quick recap of events from the previous episode (Ramona gave Kristen flowers! Kristen called Ramona a monster!) and to set up an event that will occur later in the episode: in this instance, Sonja’s dog funeral. Because of course Sonja’s dog funeral.

Presumably sometime after buying a hat for Sonja’s dog funeral, Kristen goes on an audition for a workout video, an audition that Her Awful Husband supposedly helped her land, and not because the producers of the video wanted to milk whatever tangential celebrity having a “Real Housewife” attached to their product would offer them. And I’m not saying that this is a fake audition except that oh, wait, that’s exactly what I am saying.

Because the next thing you know: Congratulations, Kristen, you got the job! Which isn’t surprising since they didn’t audition anyone else! Because if they had, they certainly would have found one or five telegenic aerobics instructors from Crunch! who could hold a lunging squat for longer than 2 seconds. And as luck would have it, the video is being filmed in Kristen’s living room — so it sure is fortunate that she landed that audition! I mean, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES? As they are filming, That Awful Husband of Kristen’s manages to find a few precious hours from his job to come home and help his baby daughter learn to walk heckle his wife while she’s just trying to do her damn job.

He’s just the best.

In other career storylines, Her Serene Highness Princess Carole Radziwill interviews potential assistants in Ramona’s office because she doesn’t want a bunch of weirdos finding out where she lives. And because she’s never heard of Starbucks, I guess. Interview questions include:

  • What are your feelings on wire hangers?
  • Can you operate a fog machine?
  • What is the one thing you would not do for your boss?
  • What is your favorite flower?
  • Have you read my memoir?
  • How long would it take you to get a gun?

These are — no joke — the very best job interview questions, ever.

Apparently, Aviva has managed to free herself from whatever piece of farm equipment she was pinned under for the past three weeks, and is hosting a dinner party for Sonja, Harry the Ex, Aviva’s Brother, Steve Madden’s wife for some reason, her terrible, gross father, Unsexy Grandpa, and his girlfriend, Cody, whom everyone acts as though they’ve never met before. Cody is a gorgeous 25-year-old African-American woman whom Unsexy Grandpa met at her salon some two and a half years ago when he was having his saggy bits and pieces groomed.

Dinner conversation devolves from there into a discussion of the pros and cons of having mirrored ceilings in the bedroom, because this is a classy bunch that discusses classy things at their classy dinners.

Later, Unsexy Grandpa hands Cody a small bag — something he picked up for her while shopping earlier, and I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t VERY CONCERNED she was about to pull out a thong or some sort of sex toy in front of his daughter and son and all the cameras. Instead, she pulls out a ring box and everyone is very confused, most of all Cody. Is this a proposal? Is this just a cocktail ring? Or, worse, is this another kind of ring, the kind for Unsexy Grandpa to wear? (I’m sorry.)

Unsexy Grandpa clarifies that it is a proposal, and Cody responds with a “yes” although it’s more of a question than an answer, because honestly, what kind of proposal is that? “Well, first George took me to meet his daughter, son, son-in-law, and ex-son-in-law for the first time, and we had dinner with some reality ‘star’ into whose back George once pressed his gross erect old man penis on camera. Over dinner we discussed how his daughter tried to set George up with said reality star because they both like sex so much — this was while we were dating, mind you — and how George likes mirrors on the ceiling for sex stuff. And then at the end of the night, he threw a bag with a ring in it at me and that’s how he proposed.” Romantic.

As for Sonja, she’s decided that now, a year after her poodle Millou’s death, she can finally throw him into the river the funeral he deserves. Let me say this before I go on and write a bunch of snarky, mean-spirited things about Sonja and her dead dog: Sonja had this dog for 18 years. 18 years! That is a long time for a dog to be in your life! As the show goes through great lengths to remind us again and again and again, Millou was a part of Sonja’s life before her marriage, before her daughter and during her divorce. So saying goodbye to this one dead reportedly gay poodle is less about mourning the dog (although as a dog owner and lover myself, I do not mock her very genuine grief for this animal — 18 years! that’s no joke!), as much as it is mourning this entire chapter of her life.

Still, that doesn’t excuse spending money on a “spiritualist” to come beat a drum over Sonja’s head, ring some bells and flash some LEDs at her face to “align her chakras” and supposedly help her through this mourning process. Let there be no question as to how or why Sonja Morgan is in bankruptcy.

Later, Sonja meets Aviva and Ramona for dinner so that Sonja can pout in Ramona’s general direction for abandoning her in the Berkshires and calling her 8th grader boyfriend’s mother. But then Sonja declares that she’s forgiven Ramona and their non-feud is officially over, thank goodness, because neither of them were particularly good at maintaining that particular farce.

Finally, the funeral. Sonja prepares her eulogy by dictating it into her phone, only to have Siri (or someone doing a very bad Siri impersonation for copyright purposes) mangle it. Isn’t that what she has 27 interns for?

The rest of the cast arrives at the site of the funeral — the townhome where Sonja lived when she adopted Millou — in all black and wearing hats, because it’s not a proper funeral unless there are hats. Champagne is popped and Sonja gives her eulogy and cries during her eulogy and her swami priestess friend gives a blessing because what’s even the point of having a swami priestess as a friend if she’s not going to give a blessing at your dog’s funeral? And then Sonja and one of her 98 interns head down to the side of the river while everyone watches from above the FDR as Sonja scatters Millou’s ashes all over the sidewalk. Adieu, Millou!

The Real Housewives of New York City airs Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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