June 1, 2014
WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS, ABC? A Sunday episode of The Bachelorette? AND THEN WE’RE GOING TO HAVE ANOTHER EPISODE TONIGHT? Why? WHY?! It’s not Sweeps! It’s not anything! Run three straight hours of America’s Funniest Videos, IT’S SUMMER. IT DOES NOT MATTER. Look, it was Summerfest here in Houston and I was out enjoying some Miss Lauryn Hill and Wu-Tang and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros and some heatstroke last night and I simply did not have time for some bonus Bachelorette garbage! Ugh. You’re the worst.
And while we are on the subject of You = The Worst, what was with the promos for this episode making it look like Andi was going to confront a dude about having a girlfriend when that did not happen at all? That was just some duplicitous nonsense right there, and I am really glad I did not leave Summerfest in some big hurry so as to not miss an important episode based on a bunch of edited-together lies, ABC Promotional Department.
So mad. There’s not enough box wine for how mad I am.
week episode, Andi has been spirited away to Santa Barbara, while the men remain at the McMANsion awaiting their chance for a date. I suppose the promise of a free stay at a schmancy spa and resort in Santa Barbara was just too tempting to pass up for the Producers because there is literally no reason all of this episode’s dates couldn’t have taken place in Los Angeles.
Chris Harrison delivers the week’s first date card to the men:
“Wesley Snipes: Let’s ride off into the sunset. <3 Andi”
Wesley Snipes prepares for the date, all the while eeyoring that this whole thing will probably not work out with Andi. But then again, you never know. (But probably not. ~sighhhhh~)
When he arrives in Santa Barbara, Andi lowers everyone’s expectations by repeatedly explaining that they are going to have a “chill” date, and do “normal” things like you might do in “real” life. SO NO HELICOPTER DATE FOR YOU, EEYORE. Andi and Wesley Snipes then go on to have literally the most boring date I have ever seen on one of these terrible shows: They ride bikes. They stand around at the beach. They hike up some rocks and then look at the view. SO. BORING. YOU ARE BORING ME NOW.
On their hike, Wesley Snipes explains that he’s a fairly skeptical person, but that he’s developed a schoolboy crush on her despite himself. NOPE, STILL BORED. STEP IT UP, NERD.
That night, the city of Santa Barbara hands over the keys to their courthouse so that Andi and Wesley Snipes can have dinner there, because that’s how desperate Santa Barbara is for tourists, apparently? Note to Potential Tourists: You may not eat dinner at the Santa Barbara courthouse. Unless you are dating 25 men on national television, that is not a thing that is going to happen on your visit.
Over dinner, Andi asks Wesley Snipes point blank why he’s not married, and he explains that he dated one person off and on for seven years before getting engaged to someone else for all of two seconds. Andi loves her a good broken engagement story, as Farmer Teeth can attest, and so she offers him the date rose before taking him up to the top of the courthouse’s clock tower to chew on his face for a while. And now a plea to the sound editors: PLEASE TURN DOWN THE MICS DURING THE KISSING SCENES. Signed, My Bleeding Ears.
Back at the house, D-Bag Twin #1 yammers busily at the Texan Pole about how unlikely it is that Wesley Snipes will earn a rose on his date, a conversation that I suspect happens back at the McMANsion during most of the one-on-one dates, but that the Producers chose to include this week to foreshadow what a jerkface D-Bag Twin #1 is — as if it hadn’t already been made clear in the first episode. They really, really, really don’t like this guy.
Later, the group date card is delivered:
“Someone Named Brian, Cookie Monster, CODY!, Franck Eggelhoffer, The Lamp Thief, Ron, Pavarotti, Winner Josh, Eric (R.I.P.), D-Bag Twin #1, D-Bag Twin #2, The Texan Pole: Let’s start things off on the right note. <3 Andi”
The brain trust figures out pretty quickly that they will be doing something involving singing, and sure enough, they are chauffeured to the Music Academy of the West. On the drive there, Pavarotti, who is preeeeeeeety sure the date rose is all his — after all, this is going to be a singing competition — belts out some opera, which I’m sure was just delightful for the other men in his limo.
They arrive at the Academy (good news: Pavarotti won a singing competition here once, so just HAND OVER THE DATE ROSE ALREADY!) and learn that they are going to be taught by Boyz II Men themselves how to sing their hit song
“Uhh Ahh” “I’ll Make Love to You.” The men collectively freak out, seeing as Boyz II Men were hugely popular when they were in the 7th and 8th grades, copping their first feels and touching their first butts. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take my heart pills and some Metamucil and have a nap before I go meet my lady friends from Bingo for an Early Bird Special at Cleburne’s because I AM SO OLD.
Boyz II Men try to teach the men how to sing. They fail. Spectacularly.
The men are wrangled into unfortunate Boyz II Men costumes and shoved onto a stage in the middle of an outdoor shopping mall, moments after the real Boyz II Men have just performed, where they are forced to sing “I’ll Make Love to You” in front of what is repeatedly and inaccurately described as “thousands” of fans.
And I was going to link to the clip of John Krasinski lip syncing “I’ll Make Love to You” on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon, but youtube pulled it between the time it took me to find the video and the time I attempted to link to it. Stupid internet. The point is, it was much, much better than this mess. LEAVE MOTOWNPHILLY ALONE, BACHELOR PRODUCERS.
That night they have the obligatory cocktail party, and Andi starts things off with a HI-LARIOUS prank on CODY! wherein she informs him that the other men have told her that he has a girlfriend.
LOL, WHAT A GOOD JOKE, FINGERS CROSSED THERE WILL BE MORE PRANKS.
The Texan Pole whines some about having to watch her talk to other guys, and takes her aside to tell her that she is the first girl in a long time that he has felt a connection with, and that he is always excited to see her. Andi responds with an “awww,” and “huh.” They kiss dispassionately.
In contrast, when Winner Josh takes Andi aside for some private time, the two practically make a baby right there on the patio furniture.
And then Andi gives Winner Josh the date rose because no doy, she gave Winner Josh the date rose. And no lie, you guys: I typed “fate rose” instead of “date rose” because can’t we just declare him the winner and be done with this whole thing already? Please? PLEASE?
Instead, we get to go on another 1-on-1 date.
“Bill the Pants Guy: Love is timeless. <3 Andi.”
Our “Pantsaprenuer” puts on his most hideous teal and khaki pantspiration and meets Andi in Santa Barbara where she informs him they are going to put on old people drag and then spend the afternoon harassing innocent bystanders in some sort of Betty White’s Off Their Rockers cos play nightmare. To wit: in their old people makeup — which is fairly convincing on Bill the Pants Guy, but pretty much just “Andi in a wig” for Andi — the pair do such wacky things as “ask people to take their picture” and “ride scooters” and “throw a football around.” PRANKS! SUCH GOOD PRANKS! YAY PRANKS!
Over dinner, Bill the Pants Guy and Andi spend the entirety of their time together discussing how “quirky” he is, so quirky! Quirky and misunderstood and bullied and unique and intriguing and PANTS! and quirky. Andi offers Pants the date rose which he accepts.
Back at the McMANsion, Ron receives notice that a dear friend of his has passed away, so he packs his things and leaves because who needs any of this fabricated nonsense, but for real though.
Speaking of how depressing real life is, before the rose ceremony, Gordon Gekko spends a lot of time wringing his hands over not receiving a 1-on-1 date, as he has a “history” he wants to tell Andi about, and it will require more than a five-minute conversation out on the deck while other men hover around looking for an opportunity to steal her away. The Producers have Gordon Gekko tell his story to Farmer Ted so that in the event that Andi does not give Gordon Gekko a rose that night, he will have at least born his personal tragedy to the world via reality dating show. Long story short: his sister died of an overdose, and then his brother died of an overdose. See, Gordon Gekko? You don’t need more than five minutes to tell that!
Andi arrives to the rose ceremony cocktail party and flatly offers some platitudes about Ron’s situation so that they can all move on without feeling like complete jerks lacking real priorities. Cheers to Ron!
Andi chats with Eric (R.I.P.) who is worried that she doesn’t like him anymore or something stupid, when a flower delivery and a letter from Wesley Snipes arrives for Andi, masterfully rooster-blocking Eric (R.I.P.) who just sits there dumbfounded for a while.
The contents of Wesley Snipes’ letter:
Andi takes Wesley Snipes outside and thanks him for the flowers with her tongue.
Meanwhile, Bill the Pants Guy has had some time to think about it and decides that it’s maybe worth mentioning to Winner Josh something that D-Bag Twin #1 did last week. Apparently, while on the group date, D-Bag Twin #1 asked for and received the phone number of a restaurant hostess and then bragged about it to the other men. Winner Josh and Pants agree that this is Very Bad and Very Disrespectful to Andi and the rest of the contestants and decide that they should confront D-Bag Twin #1.
They call D-Bag Twin #1 over and are like, “Dude, you did this thing.” But instead of saying, “No, I did not do this thing,” D-Bag Twin #1 literally runs away and hides in the bathroom. Eventually, D-Bag Twin #1 emerges from the bathroom declaring that Winner Josh and Pants are just jealous and see him as a threat, and that they are waging “warfare” on him. ALRIGHT, GWYNETH, STAND DOWN. D-Bag Twin #1 sort of, kind of confronts the pair and claims that the hostess gave him her number unbidden, what was he going to do, not take it? (Which is just a likely story, because if Winner Josh and Cookie Monster and The Texan Pole and D-Bag Twin #1 were all out at a restaurant together, weasley jerkface D-Bag Twin #1 is obviously the one you’d go out of your way to give your number to, uh-duh.) And, anyway, Winner Josh and Pants are a pair of nerdy “lowlifes,” so. But then no one bothers to tell Andi about this? For some reason?
Because the next thing we know, she is passing out roses to these jealous nerds and lowlifes:
Rose #1: The Texan Pole
Rose #2: Someone Named Brian
Rose #3: Cookie Monster
Rose #4: Franck Eggelhoffer
Rose #5: CODY!
Rose #6: D-Bag Twin #2
Rose #7: Farmer Teeth
Rose #8: Eric (R.I.P.)
Rose #9: Gordon Gekko
Rose #10: D-Bag Twin #2
D-Baggery lives to see another
week day at the expense of The Lamp Thief, who, aside from explaining the thing about always giving a lady a present on the first night, literally said NOT ONE THING over the course of the past three episodes; and poor, awkward, deluded Pavarotti, who cries big fat lonely tears on the driveway of rejection. Alright. That’s enough, Luciano.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. Except when ABC is perverse and chooses to air it on a Sunday FOR NO GOOD REASON.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.