In Sochi, Dance Ices You

If you only take away one thing from Monday’s Olympic coverage, let it be that Mary Carillo has a feature-length documentary about the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan … situation … airing Sunday before the closing ceremony.  We got just the smallest taste, an amuse bouche, of what’s to come on Monday when Costas and The Eye (welcome back, Costas and The Eye!) tell us that Mary Carillo is going back in time, which, just let me stop you right there. Even if this was just some sort of Mr. Peabody synergy tie-in, I would already be on board with Mary Carillo and time travel. You had me at Mary Carillo, to be honest. But, anyway Costas and The Eye, GO ON …

Carillo is going to sit down with Harding and Kerrigan to talk about the incident, and from what we’ve already seen, it’s going to be bizarre and completely unmissable. At one point Carillo asks Harding where she was on January 6, 1994, and Harding answers “Which day is that?” And I cannot even handle this already. Even if Tonya Harding had literally nothing to do with this. Even if she had no more connection to Kerrigan’s attack than you or I, good lord, she should know by now that it was the date Kerrigan was attacked, considering how many times she was asked about it by the press, investigators and now even Mary friggin Carillo. This whole segment is talked about as if we have no idea what really happened. I actually for a second was like, “Wait, did no one tell Mary Carillo how this story ended?” It’s like we’re all Mrs. Hughes on Downton Abbey, and we’re all running around telling Mr. Bates that it was some random ruffian who did it, BUT WE ALL KNOW IT WAS MR. GREEN. WE SAW IT. IT HAPPENED.

Anyway, basically, there is no way I’m missing this. Set your DVRs, children. (Also, Nancy Kerrigan is still gorgeous and has aged impeccably, which is really the best revenge, isn’t it?)

But I guess if you had to take away two things from Monday’s broadcast, the other would be Meryl Davis and Charlie WhiteBrian Krakow‘s history-making gold medal win. The pair took silver in Vancouver, losing the top spot to Canucks Virtue/Moir. Both teams share the same coach, which seems strange and we’re repeatedly reminded of this fact over and over and over and over. We’re also reminded that the U.S. has never won gold in ice dancing, so plan on seeing lots of shots of Davis and WhiteKrakow swinging their arms around and stretching behind the scenes for three hours.

Before they took to the ice, we’re treated to several other pairs doing routines of varying degrees of ridiculousness. There’s the American sibling duo who dance to a Michael Jackson medley, at one point ripping open their besequinsed blazer to reveal red, I don’t know, zombie sequins? I’m too distracted by how dangerously close they get to each other’s crotches. I feel like Ellen Burstyn in the Lifetime film adaption of Flowers In the Attic. That is too close to your sibling’s crotch!

There’s also the other U.S. team (Chock/Bates) that ice dancers to music from Les Mis, and I wonder if it’s more or less of a violation of the Russian propaganda laws than a rhythmic gymnastics routine to the Broadway original soundtrack of Rent. And there’s a couple from France who skate to a routine based on the children’s book Le Petit Prince, by French author Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, and the whole thing could not be more French unless their skates were made of baguettes and the rink was frozen brie.

My favorite totally insane routine though was from a Russian pair, Bobrova and Soloviyez. They perform a routine dressed like they found their costumes in a dumpster outside a thrift store and look just generally mentally unwell. Which I guess is on point, since the ice dance is about madness. They skate around looking like drunk marionettes and I guess this is interesting because it is so different from the usual sparkly twizzles we see twizzling to the sweet sounds of Tchaikovsky. It’s kind of like the Hot Topic of ice dancing. Ice dancing in the style of Linkin Park. I do not enjoy it.

Virtue and Moir skate a very technically good, but very boring routine to some ballet. It is allegedly very good, but I am very bored because no one is doing the dance from Thriller or re-enacting Girl, Interrupted.

Finally, Davis and WhiteKrakow perform and do another very good, but very boring routine. I mean, on the one hand, their outfits have a lot of gems on them. SO MANY GEMS. But on the other hand, it’s another dance to classical music and it is lovely, really it is, but it is also boring. Sorry. (Why does no one dance to something by like Daft Punk?)

They came into this already with the highest score ever awarded in the pairs ice dancing short program, so they were already in pretty good shape. They end up taking the gold and making history. Good for them! But next time, would it kill them to slip a little twerking in?

Besides ice dancing, we also saw more U.S. Olympic history made when American two-man bobsled team won a bronze, marking the first time we’ve medaled in two-man bobsled in like forever. We can thank Steve Holcomb (STEVE HOLTHOLCOMB!) who ran the course with an injured leg. And I thank a lot of the bobsledders for being oddly sexy in a beefy way.

You also may recall that Jamaica has a bobsled team. They place dead last this time around, and, of course all the correspondent can ask them about is Cool Runnings references and that ridiculous theme song and they have no idea what he’s talking about and are probably thrilled to not be talking about all the hard work and training they’ve done to get to this point. Haha! You guys remember John Candy?

The other event we saw tonight was men’s freestyle skiing aerials, which, seriously is probably the craziest event to watch. They fly REAL, REAL HIGH in the air and twist and flip so much! It’s nuts. At first, we’re all enamored with Mac Bohonnon, who wasn’t supposed to be here, but was invited after someone else got injured. He’s made it to the finals (not to be confused with the Super Finals), and they keep telling us this is a Cinderella story. I’m not sure how that’s true. Maybe the announcers are unfamiliar with Cinderella, but it had literally zero to do with aerial skiing. I also don’t think Cinderella was filling in for another injured princess. Someone please explain.

Doesn’t matter! Because he doesn’t qualify for the Super Finals. Belarus takes the gold, even though this Chinese skier did an insane jump, fell on his landing, tumbled into a somersault, and then skied perfectly upright toward the finish line. HOW IS THAT NOT CONSIDERED BETTER?

Anyway, I’ll be back tonight to watch skiing and bobsled and snowboard and no figure skating. Boooo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site

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