This is our fourth Olympic games here at Tubular, and that means we’ve started our own little traditions. While so much of our Olympic “coverage” consists of complaining about each night’s four-hour broadcast, we tend to designate one night each games as the MOST boring overall. Think of it as the Most Boring Super Combined Downhill Slalom.
In 2008, Therese bemoaned the track and field events in Beijing. In 2010, Therese (rightly) pointed out that nights without figure skating are sort of the worst (although she did get some Mary Carillo that night). Then, in 2012, I was so fed up with Kerri Walsh and Misty-May that I contemplated clawing out my own eyes and then spiking them in the sand.
So, ladies and (probably) gay gentlemen, I humbly submit to you that tonight’s broadcast was the most boring night of the Sochi games.
It’s not that tonight’s events weren’t exciting to watch. There was lots of flying and falling and a dangerous weather element that made you worry about Dennis Quaid ever reuniting with Jake Gyllenhaal. But there were no overwrought backstories. No one did anything to the soundtrack of Les Mis. There was no Mary Carillo. Tonight felt a lot like watching … sports. And that, my friends, is not why I’m here.
We witnessed snowboard cross, which is fun to watch, but hard to get invested in. It’s like rooting for dice on a craps table. The riders are already all pretty indistinguishable, save for the different colored Red Lobster bibs they’re wearing. Even then, I barely keep my focus on them as the camera cuts away around the track. Basically, we’re in it for the follies.
American Alex Diebold took bronze, while France snagged the gold and Russia got silver.
The women’s giant slalom also happened, I think, but honestly it was hard to see anything in the fog and snow. At one point the camera was totally covered in moisture and we just watched little blobs float around what I think was a hill. Yawn. Gold went to Real Housewife of Slovenia, Tina Maze.
There were some qualifiers in women’s bobsled, but no medaling. Fun fact: There are two summer olympians competing in Women’s two-man bobsled this time, Lolo Jones and Lauryn Williams. Jones didn’t qualify for the final, but if Williams takes the top spot, she’ll be only the second person ever to win gold in both the summer and winter games. Neat! Would love to see that! But not tonight! Not for us!
Finally, we blew through the men’s ski half-pipe, which is a new event and very scary. It’s all the same terror of rocketing your body into the air and then spinning around a million times that snowboarding has, but now we’re introducing pointy things to the mix! We learn you can fit the Washington Monument inside the half-pipe, and that makes this the second time I’ve heard the Washington Monument used as a relative measure over the course of these games. Was that a selling point of Sochi? “We can build things so many Washington Monuments high and/or wide! Just you wait and see!”
There’s one super, super horrible wipeout from American Lyman Currier. And then we see him lay on the ground cradling his knee WHILE SHRIEKING IN PAIN. It’s agonizing to watch. He tore his ACL, but manages to hobble (and stop shrieking) off the half-pipe. Walk it off, Currier. American Damien Wise takes the first gold in this event.
With tonight’s events out of the way, we’re treated to an amazing segment that’s pretty much like Figure Skating: Untucked with Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinsky. They join Bob Costas and The Eye to throw all kinds of delicious shade at this year’s female figure skaters. It’s the Fashion Queens of Sochi. I wish they did this every night, all year long.
And speaking of drag queens … They also replay Meryl Davis and Charlie
WhiteKrakow medal ceremony, and I am almost positive Meryl mouthed the wrong words to The Star-Spangled Banner. Watch closely, because it certainly looks like she says “FOR the land of the free.” You betta lip synch for your life, gurl.
Tonight Therese returns to kiki to Johnny Weir about all the female figure skaters. Betch.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.