‘The Bachelor’: ¿Como se dice ‘awkward’ en Español?

The Bachelor
January 6, 2014

¡Bienvenidos, pollitos! Welcome to another season of The Bachelor, Picante Edition, otherwise known as El Bachélor. As you have certainly heard by now, this season’s Bachelor is Juan Pablo Galavis, the single father/former professional soccer player/el mejor sexypants that lasted all of 6 episodes on Princess Desiree’s season of The Bachelorette before being instructed to pack his soccer balls and go. And for what? Being too handsome? Being too nice? Too easy-going? It remains a misterioso for the ages, one that befuddled Bachelor fans everywhere. It didn’t take The Producers long to figure out that despite giving Juan Pablo nada screen time, he was far and away the obvious choice for the next Bachelor, what with being so popular — and so Latino — and all. And if choosing (blond) Juan Pablo, Venezuelan via Ithaca, New York, quieted some of the charges against The Producers that they are a bunch of racist racists who won’t cast a minority lead, well, let’s just call that a bonus.

And because Juan Pablo was so popular with the viewers and applicants, we do away with the whole thing where Chris Harrison insists that Juan Pablo is “deserving of love” (as though there are people out there who aren’t) because A. he had a daddy complex or B. he was the Bachelor that one time and then he didn’t choose anyone and he sought some counseling and got to the bottom of his abandonment issues and is now going to take this whole thing seriously, swear to God, he means it or C. he was dumped by a pretty single mom this one time. Instead, everyone involved is like, “Of course, Juan Pablo is El Bachélor because look at him.” And let’s admit it, Juan Pablo is pretty.

Juan Pablo is not your typical gape-mouthed, dead-eyed mesomorph who spends his downtime greasing his pecs and waxing his nipples — and before you start yelling at me, I’m not saying that there wasn’t some nipple waxing that might have happened before taping, clearly there has been some attention paid to his nipples, I’m just saying it doesn’t seem like nipple waxing is part of Juan Pablo’s regular routine when there aren’t cameras literally shoving their way into the shower with him — unlike some Bachelors I could point to. THAT’S RIGHT, I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU, DALLAS SEAN AND WOMBAT, YOU BIG DUMDUMS, GO BACK TO BUFFING YOUR CHESTS. Instead, Juan Pablo is built like a soccer player: lithe and athletic without being freakishly tall like a basketball player, or freakishly big like a football player or fat like a baseball player. (ZING! I GOT YOU, BASEBALL! IN YOUR FACE, MLB!) He’s pretty! I’m not saying he’s smart or has a lot — or anything, really —  to say. But Juan Pablo is a pretty man, an opinion that should not come as a surprise to my long-time readers who might remember the time I tried to pimp out my sister to him when he was eliminated by Princess Desiree.

Still, that all said, before we get too carried away with all the Juan Pablo amor, there’s this:

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Dios mio. No es muy lindo, Juan Pablo. Do not do that, Juan Pablo.

Here are the things about Juan Pablo that The Producers want you to know: he lives in Miami; he is a single father to a 4-going-on-5-year old girl named Camila (whose mother is not too shabby herself — basically, Camila has won el genetic jackpot); he likes to jog around in shorts that make me uncomfortable because they look like they are going to fall off of him at any moment; he does something with baseball bats and Venezuela, ¿I don’t know, it doesn’t make any sense? ¿he gives them to a museum or something?; he played professional soccer in Venezuela for a few years before moving to Miami where he promptly retired because his girlfriend got pregnant, this seems like a strong reaction, but OK; he wants to have two more children; he is muy excited to be the first Latin Bachélor; he actually thinks being on this stupid show is his “destiny;” he likes to juggle a soccer ball on the beach while spying on couples making out (which, to be fair, is the one hobby all Bachelor contestants have in common).

Juan Pablo moves into La Casa del Bachélor with his daughter and some older relatives (his tio and tia, I believe, not that they tell us) but they aren’t staying long — just long enough to get some footage of Juan Pablo and Camila going to the beach and the Santa Monica pier to use throughout the season. Dallas Sean also swings by La Casa del Bachélor to offer Juan Pablo some much-needed advice, supposedly at Juan Pablo’s invitation, but COME ON. As if these two even know each other. Dallas Sean’s advice, which he appears to have gleaned entirely from an issue of “O Magazine,” includes: Be honest about not remembering someone’s name; kiss a lot of women; be in the moment; recognize you’re going to develop strong feelings for multiple people, even someone who might show up on the first night wearing a wedding dress for crissakes, but then remember that they SHOWED UP IN A WEDDING GOWN, and maybe not feel so bad when you have to send them packing because jeeeeeez, a wedding dress? really; trust your gut; stay open-minded; don’t latch onto fixed ideas about who is going to make it until the end. And then Dallas Sean starts on some meandering anecdote about New Age Girl and his dog and a skunk and tomato juice at 2 a.m. and the lesson is you should always wax your nipples first thing in the morning and not wait to wax your nipples at night because you never know what might come up and prevent you from taking care of business.

The Producers save the slash-fictiony part of the visit to the very end, in which Juan Pablo and Dallas Sean salsa dance together and then their shirts magically disappear. Sadly, their shirts do not magically disappear while they are salsa dancing.

After Dallas Sean leaves, the cameras follow Juan Pablo into the shower as he burbles about being nervous to meet 25 women that evening, and, seriously, though, Producers, can’t we let one Bachelor shower in peace? Just one? I mean, how much of a shower can it possibly be, what with him wearing bathing suit in there and everything, he can’t possibly get thoroughly clean which means that he’s going to have to take a second shower as soon as you get your equipment out of his bathroom and that’s just going to slow everyone down, come on already.

So, after his second shower, Juan Pablo gets dressed with a little assistance on the handkerchief front from his daughter, which is pretty cute, akshully.

And then it’s time for an in-depth look at some of the more notable crazies/ladies who might make it to the final of this thing:

Chelsie (24, Science educator, Columbus, OH): She lives in a field of sunflowers, is terrifying.

Renee (32, Real estate agent, Sarasota, FL): This season’s obligatory single mom. Renee is sporty. She paddle boards, she roller blades, she plays soccer on the beach with her athletic son, she makes me want to go have a lie down for a while. That said, Renee comes across as mature and even-keeled, something that should go a long way with this bunch.

Andi (26, Federal prosecutor, Atlanta, GA): When Andi isn’t doing gigs as a half-rate Penelope Cruz impersonator, she puts on her lawyer costume and play-acts at being a lawyer in trial. It’s all very adorable.

Amy J (31, Massage therapist, Los Angeles, CA): ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! WE HAVE EYES AT FULL CRAZY. I REPEAT, EYES AT FULL CRAZY. RETREAT IMMEDIATELY.

Nikki (26, Pediatric nurse, Kearney, MO): Nikki radiates positivity and sweetness — and not just because she is surrounding herself with a bunch of cute babies in her pediatric office, using them shamelessly as props — although it doesn’t hurt.

Lauren (25, Minerals coordinator, Edmond, OK): Hoo boy. This one. Less than a year ago, Lauren was engaged to be married to some dude. However, 6 weeks after he proposed, dude apparently woke up from a fugue state and realized that he had taken this thing way too far, and CALLED HER AT WORK TO DUMP HER. Yikes. Ouch. This might even beat, “Welcome to Dumpsville, Population: You,” which, to be perfectly honest, still makes me laugh. Lauren tells her sad, sad story, all the while wandering around in front of Oklahoma’s lone, unnecessary lighthouse (go home, lighthouse, you’re drunk) and staring longfully at happy couples on the other side of the retention pond. Lauren is CERTAIN her time is now and CAN NOT WAIT for what her future holds. I am not going to be the one to inform her that her future mostly holds telling people that, in fact, she is not that judge from So You Think You Can Dance.

Valerie (26, Personal trainer, Sutter, CA): Valerie is a farm girl who can use a crossbow and talks endlessly about how pretty she is. Exhausting.

Lacey (25, Nursing home owner, La Jolla, CA): Lacey is one of 11 children, 9 of whom have special needs. It was growing up in this heart-touching and remarkable family that inspired her to open her own elderly care facility BEFORE SHE WAS 30. She talks a lot about patience and not being fully dressed without a smile and being ready to care for her own family and getting choked up just thinking about her wonderful parents. Exhausting.*

Clare (32, Hairstylist, Sacramento, CA): Clare is the youngest of 6 girls in a large Mexican familia and has a very touching story about how her father recently died of brain cancer, but not before recording a DVD to her future husband. She has not watched the DVD herself, and is saving it for the right man. So expect to see the DVD pulled out sometime this season, long before Juan Pablo has made his final decision.

And now it’s Ladeez in Limoz Time, hoorah! Chris Harrison greets Juan Pablo and is like, “Guess what, we have a surprise for you! SparklePony is back! There are 27 ladies instead of 25 this season because everyone has los calors for Juan Pablo! Good luck on your aventura!”

Limo #1 arrives in full WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! and delivers:

Amy L (27, Local news reporter, Claremont, FL): Amy is pretty and toothy and vacant and was born to be a local news reporter. She literally had no choice in this life but to become a local news reporter.

Cassandra (21, Former NBA dancer, Shelby Township, MI): Cassandra is gorgeous and leggy and has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO SAY. The nothingness is so loud, we hear crickets chirping, and I am pretty sure they are coming from inside her head.

Christy (24, Marketing manager, Aurora, IL): Christy here pulls a half-Presumptuous Bride, wearing a blindingly white dress and a headband that resembles a tiara, but no veil. LISTEN UP, CHRISTY, YOU GO FULL BRIDAL CRAZY AROUND HERE, OR YOU GO HOME.

Christine (23, Police support specialist, Miami, FL): Christine knows how this is played, and pulls out a gift for Camila: a friendship bracelet with her name (correctly spelled!) on it. No big gimmicks, no long explanations, no silly props, just a bribe, pure and simple. Smart play, Christine.

Nikki (the pediatric nurse from above): Nikki, on the other hand, clearly considered buying a Sexxxy Nurse costume from Party City and coming in that. But better judgment took over, and, instead, she limited herself to bringing a stethoscope so that Juan Pablo could place it on her exposed chest and listen to her heart so as to see “how excited and nervous” she was to meet him. Ahem.

Limo #2 drops off:

Kat (29, Medical sales rep, Iowa City, IA): Kat gets out and demands that Juan Pablo teach her how to salsa. It is awkward and she does not know what she is doing. It does not go well.

Chantel (27, Account manager, Miami, FL): Chantel explains that like Juan Pablo, people have difficulty pronouncing her name, explaining that it is “Shhhhhhhhntel.” Noted! Points in her favor: she, unlike the rest of the mujeres, seems to be able to pronounce “Juan Pablo” with a little bit of flair. Considering she’s from Miami, I would hope so.

Victoria (24, Legal assistant, Porto Alegre, Brazil): Victoria explains that she is from Brazil and knows un poco of Spanish. Nice try, Producers, nice attempt to cast a South American. Brazil and Venezuela are both in South America, that is true, but you do realize that they don’t speak Español in Brazil, right, dum-dums?

Lucy (24, Free spirit, Santa Barbara, CA): Lucy arrives shoeless because she “didn’t want to be too tall,” and, plus, her occupation is “free spirit,” which is not an occupation. Hopefully she will find herself an occupation soon, and be able to afford some shoes. I would say she’d contract something in the Bachelor Pad going in there shoeless, but methinks being a “free spirit” and all, there might not be anything left for her to contract.

Danielle (25, Psychiatric nurse, Litchfield, IL): Danielle explains that she doesn’t have anything too crazy planned for now — and apparently, she would know from crazy, right? — but she does have a present inside for him later, so he needs to make some one-on-one time for her.

Lauren S (26, Music composer, Austin, TX): Lauren here rides up on a bicycle-piano, which is most decidedly NOT A THING, and proceeds to play, incorrectly, a song that she wrote. Nope. NOPE. Pack up the schtick and take it back to South Congress, lady. Also, she doesn’t tell Juan Pablo her name and he has to chase her down inside the house to learn it. Keep making Texas proud, girl.

Limo #3 deposits:

Chelsie (the sunflower resident above): Chelsie explains that she is a teacher at a science museum and that they are going to do a science experiment. She then puts on some fake safety glasses and hands Juan Pablo two vials, which she then grabs back from him and proceeds to throw in the bushes, explaining that rather than “do” chemistry, they should just “have” chemistry. Listen, lady, that might count as something of a joke over in Sunflower Land, but in the real world, that just makes most adults cringe. Oof.

Valerie (terrifying personal trainer above): Valerie reveals that she’s wearing cowboy boots under her dress, does not shoot him with a crossbow.

Elise (27, first grade teacher, Forty Fort, PA): Elise is so unremarkable and unmemorable, I literally forgot about her and had to come back in and add her after rewatching their greeting. So.

Ashley (25, First grade teacher, Dallas, TX): Ashley speaks in a husky whisper and slaps a gold star on Juan Pablo’s suit. Thanks? I guess?

Clare (dead father with the DVD above): And our “wacky intro of the night” is Clare who shoved a lumpy pillow under her dress to pretend she’s pregnant. It’s no grandma, it’s no horse and it’s no wedding dress. YOU GIRLS ARE LETTING DOWN THE SIDE THIS SEASON WITH THE WACKY ENTRANCES. PREVIOUS SEASONS ARE DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.

Alli (26, Nanny, Chicago, IL): Alli is the only woman to come out of the limo with a soccer ball, which is surprising. Did no one else think to bring a soccer ball? Or did The Producers, upon arriving at the holding pen where they loaded the women into the limos, discover that 21 of them had brought soccer balls and decided that was too many soccer balls and drew straws for who would get to arrive with a soccer ball? It would certainly help explain the failed chemistry joke and that pillow shoved up Clare’s dress.

Amy J (CRAZY EYES, BACK AWAY. SLOWLY BACK AWAY): Just nod politely, shake her hand and gently encourage her to go inside, Juan Pablo. Remember: NO SUDDEN MOVES.

Renee (single mom from above): Renee busts out with, “Yo, I’ve got a kid, too!” And Juan Pablo is like, “Cool!” and she’s like “Cool!” and then he calls her “Momma” so she’s totally getting a rose tonight.

Lauren H (dumped lady from above): Lauren assures Juan Pablo that she is not, in fact, Mary Murphy. Juan Pablo isn’t entirely convinced.

Maggie (24, Personal banker, Wagener, SC): Maggie offers Juan Pablo a fishing lure, punning that she’s looking for a “good catch,” but her Southern accent is so strong that I don’t think either of them understand a word the other is saying. Bless her heart.

Molly the Dog & Kelly (Undetermined, 27; Dog, Dog Lover; Conyers, GA): Wow, such prop, so manipulative, amaze.

Limo #87 dumps out:

Lacy (nursing home owner above): Lacy hands Juan Pablo an oversized pill bottle, explaining that he’s probably going to get a headache from all these stupid ploys for his attention, so she recommends he take two of these and think of her. And then she stands there and waits for him to take two of whatever is in the pill bottle. And what is in that pill bottle, Lacy? Sedatives? Hallucinogens? Jelly beans? I don’t know how they do in Venezuela, Juan Pablo, but in this country WE DON’T TAKE CANDY OR PILLS FROM STRANGERS.

Alexis (24, Communications director, Tampa, FL): Alexis greets him in Spanish. There is literally nothing else memorable about their exchange, but one of her all-time favorite movies she lists on the website is Home Alone 2, and I think we can all agree that’s pretty terrible. I mean, not even the original Home Alone? Really, Alexis?

Kylie (23, Interior decorator, Rockford, IL): Kylie here claims to be an interior designer, but considering her dress is clearly from the Disney Princess collection, the only interior I suspect she’s been designing of late has been of the Barbie Townhouse variety.

Sharleen (29, Opera singer, Ottawa, Canada): Oh, Sharleen. What are you doing here in your classy adult lady dress and up do? You are an opera singer! You were living in Germany! Where you were singing the opera! And now you’re about to move into a McMansion teeming with God only knows how many species of body lice to live with a bunch of shrill administrative assistants from Kansas and Oklahoma so as to compete for the affections of a dim (but pretty) former soccer player? Your favorite movies are The Royal Tenenbaums, Spirited Away, and Match Point! Your favorite author is Haruki Murakami for crying out loud! MURAKAMI! I didn’t even think they would allow you on this show unless you told them your favorite book was Eat, Pray, Love! What happened, honey? What happened to your life that it would make this dramatic of a U-turn? Did someone kidnap you? Were you chloroformed and then woke up in the back of a limo in Los Angeles with a bunch of bespangled woo girls? You can tell us, Sharleen, we can get help!

And finally, Andi (assistant district attorney from above): Andi does not do anything worth noting aside from looking even more like Penelope Cruz somehow.

And those are your 27 Bachelorettes, America/Juan Pablo. Bueno suerte.

Juan Pablo enters the gallinero and thanks everyone for taking time out of their lives to be here, before breaking out a speaker and starting a dance party, because ¡BAILAMOS! And thus begins yet another terrible cocktail party in which Juan Pablo circulates amongst the women, talking to as many as he can as quickly as he can, while the other ladies look on, seething with jealousy and resentment. Fun!

Nurse Nikki tells him about being a pediatric nurse in the Midwest, and Juan Pablo makes a rookie mistake, suggesting that maybe he’ll be seeing her hometown in a few weeks or months. Oh, Juan Pablo, no, honey. Juan Pablo also visits with Momma, who immediately confesses to getting married because she was pregnant and how it all ended in divorce and now Single Mom. And I admire the forthcomingness and I get that single moms don’t have time to mess around, but, I don’t know, maybe we should ease into conversations about the exes? Leave that for a later conversation?

Lucy. Ugh. This one. First of all, get out of Juan Pablo’s face, you’re being terrible. Just terrible! Secondly, get your nasty, dirty, bare feet out of Juan Pablo’s lap. That’s gross and you are not nearly as charming as you think you are. Seriously though. But seriously. I’ve got my eye on you, Dirty Feet.

That said, Juan Pablo’s probably safer in Dirty Feet’s clutches than with Amy J., a.k.a. CrazyEyes. CrazyEyes is a massage therapist who claims that no man she’s been with has ever liked massages, and that she is looking for a man who wants to be rubbed by her. STAHP. STAHP IT. To this end, CrazyEyes has brought her massage table, which she pushes a wisely compliant Juan Pablo onto. Just stay still, Juan Pablo, do not make eye contact or any loud noises. CrazyEyes covers her hands in oil, which she shoves in Juan Pablo’s face for him to smell before rubbing them vigorously into his suit jacket. Can’t imagine why the men in her past haven’t enjoyed her massages. Complete mystery. CrazyEyes then removes Juan Pablo’s shoes, rubs his feet and rubs his hands. This makes her crazyeyes roll into the back of her head and suddenly this has gone from a quasi-massage to full-blown sexual assault. CHRIS HARRISON, GO CALL THE POLICE.

Instead, Chris Harrison brings out the First Impression Rose, which makes these crazies go even crazier, and there is lots of talk about how “devastated” they will be if they don’t receive a rose that night. DEVASTATED. Southern Maggie whines about how this rose is “MAH FEWTCHUR;” Elise yammers about how being her is somehow the result of machinations by her dead mother; and The Dumpee, Lauren H., begins having a full-blown panic attack that she hasn’t had any time alone with Juan Pablo. Other women have had time with him, other women have been aggressive and asserted themselves, she just needs to be aggressive, too, OH GOD, WHY IS THIS SO HARRRRRRRD? Crying crying sobbing crying, and hey, I don’t know, but maybe you’re not over the whole breakup thing yet? Maybe some therapy, a few dates with some local boys and then maybe you’ll be ready to humiliate yourself on national television? Just a thought.

Instead, Lauren H. demands her one-on-one time with Juan Pablo, where she proceeds to pour out her long, sad story which also apparently includes a 3-year-old boy to whom she was going to be a stepmother, and whom she hasn’t seen since the phone dumping. “Huh,” says Juan Pablo as he gently removes her claws from his arm, one by one.

Juan Pablo then enjoys a series of increasingly desperate visits with the remaining women: Danielle gives him a teddy bear for Camila; Lacy presents him with a puzzle with their faces, explaining that the “missing piece” of the puzzle is her; Maggie, our Southern rube, tells him that it was “MAH FURST TAHM ON AN AEROPLANE, EVAR;” and Kylie, the “interior designer” tells him that she dreamed about him when he was on The Bachelorette. So, you know, about your average Bachelor pool of crazy and pitiful.

Juan Pablo then visits with Andi, the part-time Penelope Cruz impersonator/part-time prosecutor who tells him that she’s a lawyer. When Juan Pablo notes that she must read a lot, she emphatically insists that not only does she not read a lot, she doesn’t actually like to read. Now, hold up. I have spent the last 15 years of my life surrounded by attorneys and while I can’t speak for all of them, I think that a fair thing to say about a lot — if not most — of my attorney friends is that they are good readers. You kind of have to be a good reader TO GET THROUGH LAW SCHOOL. And so, either Andi is lying to Juan Pablo about not liking to read because she thinks that he won’t be attracted to bookish women which is a terribly sad commentary about male-female relations, particulalrly as they relate to the culture of The Bachelor and which is bumming me out, or she’s lying about being an attorney. So which is it?

Finally, Juan Pablo visits with our misplaced opera singer, Maria Callas, whom he compliments on the dress again, noting how different it (she) is. Maria Callas yammers something awkwardly about eating pea soup in Germany which comes with complimentary weiners on top. This weird story inspires Juan Pablo to explain in an interview that Maria Callas is more worldly than the other mujeres, she has “mundo.” Juan Pablo, clearly taken with that whole weiner soup story, excuses himself to fetch the First Impression Rose, something Maria Callas realizes in slow-dawning horror. While he’s gone, she mutters something about how she doesn’t really know what she is doing here, she thought there might be some sort of instant chemistry with Juan Pablo, but instead, it all feels so forced and unnatural, Oh God, why is she here, what is the meaning of this, it’s like she’s trapped in her own personal Sarte play, please, won’t they let her go back to the opera? Juan Pablo returns with the First Impression Rose, and offers it to the most reluctant recipient of any rose, ever. “Uh … sure. Yes. I really wasn’t expecting this,” a blanched Maria Callas stammers, realizing that she’s now trapped in this Hell for at least another week.

Juan Pablo, the sweet dimwitted golden lab that he is, has no idea that Maria Callas just wanted to go home, and burbles that he’s happy that Maria Callas will be able to sleep well tonight. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, sí, perfecto.

Chris Harrison finally arrives to put an end to our collective pain. Line up, Desesperados. Let’s see who is going home.

Rose #1 Not Pregnant Clare
Rose #2 Nurse Nikki
Rose #3 Momma
Rose #4 Andi
Rose #5 Alli
Rose #6 Chantel
Rose #7 Lauren S.
Rose #8 Cesar Milan and Molly
Rose #9 Cassandra
Rose #10 Danielle
Rose #11 Chelsie
Rose #12 Kat — And, as if the evening hadn’t been awkward enough, to leave us with just one last painful note, as Juan Pablo calls out Kat’s name, both Kat and Kylie, our taffy pink Disney Princess, march up to collect the rose. Juan Pablo corrects Kylie — no, it’s for Kat — while everyone gasps in horror. Can’t he take them both? Kylie tries, but no. No, Kylie, just … no. In fact, why don’t you go ahead and start packing your Cinderella gown and your Barbies and save everyone some time, sweetie.
Rose #13 Victoria
Rose #14 Christy
Rose #15 Dirty Feet
Rose #16 Elise
Rose #17 Amy L.

Nicknames to come later, ladies. Rest assured.

Adiós, losers. Adiós, Christine. Your little amiga bracelet for Camila was a nice idea; but, like you, it just wasn’t quite good enough. Adiós, Alexis. Here’s a project for you when you get home: Join Netflix and explore some of the categories other than “Macaulay Culkin Movies” or “Movies That Take Place in New York City Toy Stores at Christmas.” Adiós, Ashley. You seemed nice enough, I guess. Honestly, it’s hard to say anything about you since you were on screen for all of 30 seconds. Adiós, Maggie. I hope you enjoy your second airplane ride back home. Adiós, Valerie. Por favor you do not return to the gallinero with your crossbow and go Katniss on these fools. Adiós, Lacy.** I am relieved we won’t have to watch you exploit all eleventy of your special needs siblings for sympathy points. Adiós, My Disney Princess, Kylie. Your delusion was almost adorable. Almost. Adiós, CrazyEyes. Next time try to not rub hand oil directly into a potential partner’s suit jacket — and tone down the crazy, maybe to an 8. And adiós, Lauren H. It looks like you’re taking the Hot Tamale Train back to Dumpsville, Population: You.

*And that, gatitos, is why I am a bad person.

**The Bachelor website claims that Lacy got a rose, but oh no she did not. I rewatched the ceremony to make double sure. So, in short, get it together, Bachelor Website.

***Last note: Here is Google’s translator. If I use any Spanish words that you are unfamiliar with — and I probably won’t, as my Spanish is tan terrible — pop the word into the translator and learn something nuevo.

The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.