‘The Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Some tables were, in fact, harmed in this episode

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Everything is Coming up Rosie”
June 30, 2013

We begin this episode with Melissa “writing” her book. Or, more accurately, we begin with Melissa telling a disinterested Stugats about the book her ghost writer is currently churning out, and how it will be about her childhood and her parents and what it means to be a wife. Stugats is simultaneously bored and disgusted.

Just then Folletto comes stomping into the house, still furious and presumably wet after his gym confrontation with Teresa. SHE ACTED LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED! SHE SAID YOUS GOTS ME FIGA-WHIPPED! SHE SAID YOUS TWITTERED SOMETHING ABOUT A PURSE! Melissa is all, “Yeah, about that last one … ” and proceeds to admit that, in fact, she might have “twittered” something about a purse, BUT COME ON WHO CAN BLAME HER?

Folletto for uno. Melissa is his wife, so he’s going to “educate” her when she’s “doing something wrong.” O RLY, FOLLETTO? ARE YOUS? While my feminist outrage gets all bunched up, Folletto explains to Melissa that she can’t be picking twitter wars with his sorella, not when she has their genitori’s ears and is making Melissa out to be la diavolessa. And I will grant you, Folletto, that all of this is correct — when going up against the likes of someone like Teresa, you have to always take the high road so as to not give them ammunition against you, and Melissa can certainly not publicly attack Teresa if for no other reason that she is UNA SOCIOPATH — and I also understand that you are from a molto traditional Italian famiglia and your sorella just questioned your virilità, BUT CAN WE TRY TO KEEP THE CONDESCENDING PATRIARCHAL STRONZATE TO A MINIMUM LEST I BLOW AN ARTERY? I want to like you and look past that stupid rubber band that you have wrapped around your not-hiding-the-fact-that-you-are-losing-all-of-your-hair ski cap for some reason, but yous got to work with me here, paisan. Mio Dio.

Meanwhile, Teresa and Meatball take Mortadella to soccer practice, where she ignores her coaches and Teresa fills Meatball in on her confrontation with Folletto. When Teresa accurately notes that out of the gate Folletto was excessively aggressive with her, Meatball ascribes it to “that Napoleon thing.” “You mean ‘bi-polar,'” Teresa hilariously attempts to correct him. But no! Meatball is up on his compensatory psychological conditions, and explains: “No, Napoleon. He was a little short guy who thought he could uh, he wanted to beat everybody up. He ran a little army and then the army crashed and everybody turned on him. He had this little syndrome, people just call it ‘Napoleon Syndrome’ for short people.” Well, sorta! I mean, aside from the “wanting to beat everybody up” and “little army” and “the little army crashing” and it being called a “Napoleon Syndrome” parts, this is marginally accurate. Or it’s as accurate as if the Napoleon Complex were being described in a game of telephone, and Meatball was the fifth or sixth person to hear it. But more appalling than Meatball butchering what is very basic elementary school-level and fairly important European history is the fact that this is all news to Teresa. And I will grant you, there’s not much of Meatball’s version of history that bears much resemblance to fact, but how can you go through 40 years of your life never having heard of Napoleon? YOU KNOW, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE. THE GUY WHO MADE HIMSELF EMPEROR OF FRANCE AND TRIED TO TAKE OVER EURPOE. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW ABOUT HIM? HOW? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE MARRIED TO A LITERAL TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF A NAPOLEON COMPLEX? Stunade! So so stunade!

But rather than go down the dangerous road of blaming her fratello’s anger on his short stature, because pot, kettle: SHORT, Teresa focuses the blame squarely on Melissa. If Melissa wanted things to be better, she could somehow magically make them so by presumably divorcing Folletto and/or disappearing into thin air somehow. Meatball suggests that Melissa cinghie uno sul, and Teresa pretends to be shocked but come on. Teresa dismisses her fratello as being brainwashed because that’s easier to accept than the fact that she has some culpability in the disintegration in her relationship with her brother.

Somewhere in Manhattan, Caroline, Jacqueline, Kathy and Rosie go to some sort of salon party where they (Jacqueline) have their eyebrows threaded, and drink girlie drinks. While they are there, The Producers have Teresa calls Caroline (!) to tell her about her run-in with Folletto, and complain that he was not in the conciliatory place that Caroline assured her he was in. “Yeah, how about yous leave me out of it,” is basically Caroline’s reply, because seriously though. Caroline then goes back to report to the other women what just happened and they are all, eh.

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In Boring Goldblum Jr. News: Kathy and Jeff Goldblum Jr. have partnered up to make Kathy’s cannoli A Thing. However, the partnership isn’t going well, on account of Jeff Goldblum Jr. being a penny-pincher and buying thousands of ugly white boxes to serve as the packaging without consulting her first. Kathy wanted blue boxes, WHY DID HE BUY WHITE BOXES?

Having learned nothing from Box Crisis, Jeff Goldblum Jr. then makes another business decision without consulting Kathy and rents a test kitchen space for her. And even though she was just complaining about needing to move her business out of their home’s kitchen, Kathy freaks out on Jeff Goldblum Jr. because she needs a storyline to continue having a purpose on the show and this fake martial discord was the best she could come up with ? And then Kathy cries about how hard it is to be partners with Jeff Goldblum Jr. because he always wants to be involved. IN HIS BUSINESS.

Moving on.

Caroline and the Manzo kids have dinner at her Hoboken apartment, the purpose of which I am still unclear on. There, the Manzo kids declare their intentions to never have normal relationships with other people. Lauren has no interest in marrying Vito, Albie doesn’t want to have a marriage in which he has to like spend time with someone every single day, and Christopher doesn’t ever want to be a father because he doesn’t want to raise a puttana. Because apparently that would be an inevitability if he had a daughter. (To be fair, it might.) Christopher then goes on to be insulting to overweight women in a very inappropriate way that we shall not deign to discuss here EVEN THOUGH HIS MOTHER AND SISTER WHO ARE SITTING RIGHT THERE HAVE HAD WELL-DOCUMENTED PROBLEMS WITH THEIR WEIGHT. Ugh. Way to be terrible, Christopher. Also, you might want to cut back on the carbs yourself, Malandrina.

Later at the Hoboken apartment that Albert wanted no part of because THEY HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD CASA, Caroline tells her husband about their children’s lack of interest in interpersonal relationships and Albert is like, “and?” Good dad! And you can have Christopher tell some story about how his dad let him wear his baseball cleats in the house this one time when his mother didn’t want him to destroy her floors, and you can have Caroline assure us that Albert is a big “teddy bear,” all you want, but I am getting the distinct impression that Albert not only does not care one whit about any of this, but he would also much rather be at the Brownstone right that very moment.

In other Manzo news, Lauren’s terribly named makeup store, Cafface, is now open and she tries to pretend that she has customers by “booking an appointment” on the phone while cameras run, but come on, we know no one was on the other end of that call, you’re not fooling anyone, ragazza. And to give her stupidly named makeup store more screentime, her fratelli barge in to Cafface, demand hair products and give her grief about her relationship with Vito.

don't even care ron swanson


As for the Lauritas, Jacqueline works with Nicholas on sentence construction. When he becomes frustrated and hits himself, Jacqueline collapses in a pile of tears. Laurita comes home to find his toddler happily playing with an iPad while his wife keens nearby and is like, “the hell?” Laurita and Jacqueline then talk about how hard it is to parent a child with autism, because it is very hard, in case you hadn’t heard.

While all that is going on, Rosie meets with Folletto at a bar to talk about how long it’s been since Rosie’s fatto sesso (6 years! Yikes!), before moving on to what she really wants to discuss with him: his relationship with Teresa. Rosie reminds her cousin FOR THE OTTANTISETTESIME TIME that his genori’s time is running out, and that he should reconcile with his sorella for their sakes. And Folletto agrees FOR THE OTTANTISETTESIME TIME to try to talk with Teresa, but only on the grounds that she admit that she’s been terrible, so very, very terrible. Godspeed, Rosie!

There is a hilarious scene wherein Teresa attempts to prove that she is the author of her Bravo blog.

Halfway through one carefully pecked out word, Teresa is rescued by a well-timed phone call from Cousin Rosie who invites her to meet over drinks to discuss the whole Folletto situation. Sure! Why not! Teresa agrees, because what does she have to lose, she can do this all day.

Melissa invites her madre and sorelle over to announce that she is going to write about how her padre was a big cheating cheater who humiliated her madre with all of his cheating, and how she vowed to never be as a terrible wife as her madre that her husband would want to cheat on her all the time. Cool? Cool.

Finally, Teresa and Rosie meet at a dive bar that Rosie clearly chose, the kind of bar that when Teresa asks for a Cabernet, Rosie returns with an approximation of a Cosmopolitan because come on, yous think they’ve got wine here? Drinks in hand, Rosie explains that she heard Teresa “don’t want nothing to do with” Kathy. Teresa explains that this is in fact true, but it’s because Kathy called her padre a coward. Rosie points out that Kathy immediately apologized for that, and adds that it’s breaking their hearts that they can’t visit their uncle. Teresa insists that Kathy should have thought about that before saying what she said. Which is not how accepting an apology works! Not that Rosie points this out, instead choosing to go Godzilla and begin screaming about how Teresa always blames Kathy for everything (when not blaming Melissa), and something about Teresa’s padre being angry at Rosie’s madre for who even knows what reason (sprinkle cookies, probably) and ROSIE IS VERY NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS SITUATION, slamming her hand into the table for emphasis, which alarms the other barflies just trying to get their bourbon on at 3 o’clock in the afternoon in some peace and quiet.



Rosie points out that they are all making their genitori as miserable as they are. And when one of their genitori dies without having made amends, it’s going to be on Teresa. NOT ME! NOT ME! Teresa squeals, YOUR SORELLA! Because it’s never Teresa’s fault.

Rosie then orders Teresa and Folletto to stop picking at each other, adding that they should lift each other up. But Rosie then ruins this poignant moment by spilling her drink all over her phone because drunk. Rosie tells Teresa that she doesn’t want to get in the middle of what is going on with Folletto, an admission which, for whatever reason, calms Teresa down. Teresa then fairly calmly proceeds to tell Rosie that Folletto brought up the whole Meatball calling her una fica incident — which infuriates her at Folletto instead of the meatball who said it, obviously. Teresa insists that she’s willing to let things go with her fratello, she just doesn’t know where to start. Rosie suggests that they just sit down like the two of them are doing right now, pound a few tables — it’s not like Teresa doesn’t know her way around abusing a table –, injure a few hands, and just be done with it. Teresa explains that she’s been looking into a “stress release ‘tellistic’ healing” place for the weekend; that maybe they all need to be trapped together for a weekend and see what happens. Rosie asks if maybe they all shouldn’t attend the “hellistic” thing — what about the Manzos and the Lauritas? Teresa has to think about that one. With that, Rosie closes the episode hopeful that Folletto and Teresa can make nice and adds that she believes there is goodness in everyone, even Teresa. Oh, sweet, optimistic Rosie. Oh, honey.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 7 p.m. on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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