American Horror Story
January 9, 2013
Bloody Face Jr. has a visitor at his father’s home, a young lady by the name of “Pandora” who just had a baby three weeks ago and who didn’t nurse said infant all day just to save up for Bloody Face Jr. ACK. DO NOT LIKE WHERE THIS IS HEADED.
Bloody Face Jr. asks if it’s true about women “letting down” when they hear a baby cry (always at the most inopportune times, yes), and using ver colorful language, Pandora explains that, in fact, it is. Pandora notes that Bloody Face Jr. just needs a little mothering, and she opens her shirt to offer him just that. Noting that some people would “kill” for this, Bloody Face Jr. nurses on her with gusto. YEP. THAT’S WHERE I FEARED IT WAS HEADED. THANKS, RYAN MURPHY, FOR THAT VISUAL.
In Briarcliff, Dr. Sylar rouses Kitt in his cell and explains that he’s to have some quality time with Kitt Jr. Suspicious Kitt is suspicious, even as Dr. Sylar smarms that he holds sacred a child’s need for love and protection.
And sure enough, Kitt is brought to the common room, where Pepper, still in control of her faculties, is shooing the other residents away from Grace and Kitt Jr. Grace explains to Kitt that she “named ze alien bébé Thomas after mon granpere.” Dr. Sylar gets all creepy about Grace’s milk production, before sending Pepper to the hydrotherapy room for screaming that she knows what he’s up to, and sending the rest of the residents to the kitchen for a group therapy session, so that Kitt, Grace and ze alien bébé can have a little exposition family time.
Once they are alone, Grace explains that, ze last zing she rememberz was ze being shot, and un bright light, oui? And she thought she waz in ze heaven, oui? But zen zey brought un weird womb-spore zing zat zey poot inside of her ladybits, oui? Kitt is as confused as the rest of us and wonders how the baby could grow so quickly, and Grace explains that ze time, eet iz différent zere. Kitt asks about Secret African-American Wife, any chance Grace saw her again? Zadly, elle iz mort. Grace knowz how mooch Kitt loved her and how hees planz were with her, oui? But our alien bébé, he iz spécial. Ze people, zey will leesen to heem. And instead of being alarmed by this information, Kitt decides that he wants to be a good father and marry Grace and they will be one big happy alien-baked ready-made family.
And that’s when Monsignor Timothy and his nun squad swoop in, grab the alien bébé and take him off to an orphanage, because of course they’re not going to let a couple of crazies raise a bébé, alien or otherwise, in a mental institution, come on, be sensible. As they storm off with the alien bébé, Dr. Sylar appears to Kitt and suggests that he might be of some help …
Meanwhile, down in the kitchen, Mother Superior appears to Lana Winters, Great, Another Nun! who is like, Great. Another nun. But Mother Superior explains that Just Judy told her everything, and she is here to get Lana Winters, I’ve Heard This Before! and her files (and hopefully those great notes: “Lying! Hiding something!”) out of here so that she can finally write her big exposé on Briarcliff and shut this hellhole down. Mother Superior directs her to a bathroom where a change of clothes is hidden, and instructs her to walk right outside to the cab that will be waiting for her. But before she leaves the kitchen once and for all, Lana Winters, It’s Worth a Shot! cuts open a bag of flour, retrieves the Dr. Sylar tapes, and then swings by to thank a still-fried Just Judy. Lana Winters, That’s a Lot to Forgive! takes Just Judy’s hand and promises she’ll be back for her. SAD.
Dr. Sylar, however, is still looking for those flour tapes, and in pursuit of them, he accosts Kitt in the Briarcliff entryway, promising to help Kitt and Grace get their freedom and live happily ever after as a little alien family. After all, with Dr. Hoggett’s sudden disappearance, they can just blame the Bloody Face murders on him, and then everyone can live their lives. As Dr. Sylar explains this very clean plan, Lana Winters, SO CLOSE!, dressed in street clothes and carrying the Dr. Sylar flour tapes, comes down the stairs right behind him. Kitt manages to deflect Dr. Sylar’s attention long enough to slip down the stairs and out the be-deviled horned door and into the waiting cab, which is when Dr. Sylar finally gets wise. TOO LATE, DR. SYLAR. TOO BAD FOR YOU.
So, Dr. Sylar rushes home only to find Lana Winters, I’ve Got a Gun and Know How to Use it! waiting for him in his fine mid-century modern living room. The police have been called, and the two of them are just going to sit here and wait for them to arrive. Dr. Sylar pretends that he’s relieved, that living with secrets is hard, &c. Dr. Sylar calmly prepares himself a martini, as where he is headed, there isn’t going to be much vermouth.
Lana Winters, I Need Some Closure Up in Here! demands to know what he did with Secret Lesbian Girlfriend’s body, and let’s just say it involves necrophilia and Ryan Murphy trying to shock us, and let’s just add that poor Secret Lesbian Girlfriend’s corpse did not come to a good end. As Dr. Sylar goes to up his drink, and the sirens get closer, he supposes that she’s not going to keep the baby now, which means that he doesn’t have much use for Lana Winters, Baby Incubator! anymore. Dr. Sylar also supposes that he will be merely institutionalized, and live a nice long life in prison, and begins eyeing the gun he has hidden in the bar. So Lana Winters, Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That! shoots him in the head.
Sometime later, Lana Winters, Mourner! and her friends leave some flowers at Secret Lesbian Girlfriend’s empty tomb, where Lana Winters, Exposition! exposits that she’ll be moving to New York after she pays a quick visit to her friend’s recommended abortionist. The friends then slip out the back door, lest they have to face the mob of reporters waiting outside for Lana Winters, Bloody Face Celebrity! As she makes her way through the scrum. The vultures shout questions at her, and Lana Winters, Read My Book! orders them to read her book as she gets into the waiting car.
Back in Briarcliff, Just Judy causes a minor commotion in the common room by knocking the tranquilizers out of the nuns’ hands and chanting “ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!”
Monsignor Timothy, who has a lot going on with all this bad Bloody Face publicity, is notified that Just Judy is causing trouble in the common room, and sighs heavily. He heads to the common room where Just Judy is hanging out with the jukebox, getting her groove on and waiting for him. YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE POPE, BUT THEN YOU SCHTUPPED THE DEVIL! LOL! And with that, Monsignor Timothy has her carted off to solitary because he can.
Kitt, however, is getting his walking papers on account of that whole “He’s not Bloody Face” thing, but first he chooses to have a little sitdown with Monsignor Timothy. There, Kitt demands his son back from the St. Catherine’s Home for Alien Orphans, and that Monsignor Timothy release Grace’s “body” to him (as she had an official death certificate, as she was officially dead for a few weeks there), lest Kitt suddenly decide to get all chatty with the swarm of reporters outside.
And because Monsignor Timothy already has his hands full, we next see Kitt, Grace and alien bébé exiting a cab and arriving at Kitt’s overgrown, neglected house. We’re home! As they make their way through the house, Kitt apologizes for the mess the aliens made. And they aren’t home for two minutes before Kitt notices someone moving around in the bedroom. WELL GREAT. WHO IS IT NOW. DR. HOGGETT? DR. BLOODY FACE? Nope! Just Secret African-American Wife and Secret Alien-American Baby! And that’s how Kitt went from being your common miscegenist to a full-blown polygamist.
Lana Winters, Alright, Let’s Get This Thing Out of Me Already, goes to an abortionist, explains that the baby daddy murdered her lover before raping and impregnating her and she would very much like to have it removed now, please and thank you. “On it,” says the doctor. But then Lana Winters, Post-Traumatic Stress is a Nightmare, changes her mind at the last moment, and chooses to have the baby over yet another death.
And so, Lana Winters, Author! writes her memoir: “My Experiences at Briarcliff: A Memoir,” and then begins harassing the cops to look into all the people who went missing in Briarcliff (including, curiously, Pepper), and asks them to help her get inside to talk to Just Judy. Reluctant, reluctant, reluctant, fine we’ll look into it, you’re one tough cookie. “I am tough, I’m no cookie.” — Lana Winters, Tough Cookie.
Armed with a court order, Lana Winters, Enough is Enough! and her cop friends bust into Monsignor Timothy’s office and demand to speak with Just Judy. TOO LATE, SHE’S DEAD, claims Monsignor Timothy. SHE HUNG HERSELF A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, WHOOPS. But, of course, Just Judy didn’t do any such thing, and instead is tucked away in the solitary cell, crying and going even crazier.
Some months later, Lana Winters, Welp, I’m Glad That’s Over! gives birth to Bloody Face Jr. only to be woken up by a nurse asking her to nurse the baby. NO, THANKS, says Lana Winters, Haven’t I Done Enough? But the baby won’t stop crying and they’ve tried everything and he seems to be allergic to the formula, what to do? So Lana Winters, SIGH. takes the baby in her arms and allows him to suckle. But she is not happy about it.
Which is why, perhaps, Bloody Face Jr. grows up to have something of a breast milk fetish, and a mess of mommy issues that he has to work out with prostitutes and by skinning people alive.
Back in the Bloody Face lair, Pandora notes that many men have mommy issues, and urges Bloody Face Jr. to tell her all about his. And so he does, becoming more and more enraged when he thinks about how his mother never loved his father or him, until he finally takes it out on poor Pandora by strangling her. Well, that’s not going to solve anything, Bloody Face Jr.
And here’s the part where I was going to speculate on this episode and how it relates to Ryan Murphy’s private life wherein he and his husband have just had a baby via a surrogate (which, of course, colors his other new series, The New Normal), and wondering if Ryan Murphy is having some anxiety about mommy issues and the bonding experience that happens through nursing and whether or not his son is getting the very best if he’s not breastfed or something and playing out all these questions via a couple of serial killers, but you know what? WHO KNOWS WHAT GOES ON IN RYAN MURPHY’S HEAD. I, for one, am certainly not equipped to even go near that crazyspace, so I will leave the speculation to you guys.
Only two episodes left! How do you think it’s going to end?
American Horror Story airs Wednesday nights at 9 p.m. on FX.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.