American Horror Story
January 16, 2013
OH NO KITT WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
So, it would seem Kitt and Grace and Secret African-American Wife and the two alien bébés have fully embraced the whole 60s free love thing (well not the alien bébés, gross) and have become one big happy family under one roof.
And things seem to be working out OK! The ladies are getting along surprisingly well, sharing chores and husband, without a lot of jealousy or wig pulling. I mean, Grace’s a little obsessed with drawing pictures of the Marvin the Martians that abducted them that one time and shoved them full of quick-bake alien bébés, and it drives Secret African-American Wife a little nuts, but we all have pet peeves, right?
Kitt returns home from, I don’t know, making plans for some sort of 60s march about something important and earnest: Civil rights? Anti-War? Women’s rights? Sure. Yes. Secret African-American Wife is not enthused about dragging two toddlers to a march, but she’s even less enthused about Grace’s sketches, they’re totally freaking her out, won’t Kitt do something about it?
That night, Secret African-American Wife expresses her concerns about Grace’s Marvin the Martian obsession, and suggests that Kitt go boink Grace to take her mind off of it. Kitt doesn’t require much convincing, and heads to the room next door where Grace expresses her concerns that Secret African-American Wife eez tryeeng to forget la past. Grace zen reminds Keet zat she keeled a lot of peeple wiz un axe zat un time. Kitt is like, yeah, I remember. Now let’s do this thing, and they proceed to do this thing.
Which is when the lights start buzzing and everyone freaks out that ZOMG MARVIN IS BACK!!! But it’s just your run-of-the-mill redneck racists doing a Molotov cocktail drive-by. Secret African- American Wife is having a particularly big freak out, certain that the Marvins were back, and Grace urges Kitt (who speaks briefly with an unsympathetic cop) to go take care of her.
Sometime later, Grace is tutoring the alien bébés on where they come from (Martians!) which Secret African-American Wife JUST CAN NOT TAKE ANYMORE. IT WAS NOT A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE! Grace begs to deefer. Ze Marveens, zey breeng her back to life! And zey gave zem zees amazing bébés! Secret African American Wife remembers it more as they snatched her from her home and put her on a metal slab and poked at her with metal things and IT WAS VERY UNPLEASANT. Grace haz zum ideas about breengeng ze alienz back, oui? Because Keet? He eez special? Secret African-American Wife would KINDLY LIKE IT IF GRACE WOULD STOP TELLING SECRET AFRICAN-AMERICAN WIFE ABOUT HER HUSBAND, WITH WHOM SHE HAD A PRETTY GOOD LIFE BEFORE HE BROUGHT AN AXE-MURDERING FRENCH WOMAN HOME. (And to be fair, before she herself was abducted by aliens and her husband spent some quality time in a mental institution being menaced by zombies, devils, Nazis and bad-tempered nuns.) Grace suggests that Secret African-American Wife eez tryeeng to hide and thees eez no way for alien bébé Julia to live, oui? This earns Grace a firm slap across the face and Secret African-American Wife is immediately sorry. BUT GRACE EEZ NON INTERESTED EEN APOLOGEEZ.
That night, Kitt leaves Secret African-American Wife sleeping in bed and goes into the living room where Grace is busily sketching Marvin the Martian again. Grace burbles about wasted time et miracle bébés and eengaging wiz zee future and that’s when SECRET AFRICAN-AMERICAN WIFE PUTS AN AXE IN GRACE’S BACK. ZUT ALORS! I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING! Secret African-American Wife is burbling about how Grace wanted to bring the Marvins back to their home — which, to be fair, she did — and how they have to hide. Kitt, stunned, kisses a now dead FOR REALS THIS TIME Grace, pulls the axe from her back, and sits in the arm chair, stunned. Thus, our cold open.
Just Judy, a.k.a. Betty Drake, plays Candy Land with Pepper and some of the other residents in the common room at Briarcliff, and she almost seems to be returned to her full faculties! Hooray Just Judy Betty! Monsignor Timothy, bearing a suitcase, comes through the common room and asks to speak to Just Judy Betty, a.k.a. “The Queen of Candy Land.” After belligerently expositing that he changed her name after faking her death (thus, “Betty Drake”), she steps aside with him where he explains that 1. He’s been named the Cardinal of New York, 2. The Catholic church has sold Briarcliff to the state to use as an overflow facility and 3. He’s going to arrange for her release. Uh-huh, says Just Judy Betty. Sure thing. Totally believe you.
Sometime later, Just Judy Betty is working in the kitchen when the new extra-prisony inmates arrive, including one who bears a remarkable resemblance to our Angel of Death … but isn’t. Not!Angel of Death is the Regina of her particular crew of mean girls and graciously suggests that she and Just Judy Betty work as a team to run Briarcliff, before essentially threatening to shank Just Judy Betty.
Just Judy Betty yammers to Pepper about how Monsignor Cardinal Timothy is going to get her out of Briarcliff and Pepper is all,
And then even more inmates arrive at Briarcliff, including Secret African-American Wife and that’s how Kitt went from having all the wives to having none of the wives.
Just Judy Betty enters her cell to learn that on account of the new residents, she is now sharing a cell with the Not!Angel of Death. Just Judy Betty, predictably, freaks out. STAY AWAY FROM JUST JUDY BETTY, SHE DOES NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU, NOT!ANGEL OF DEATH. NOTHANKYOUBYE.
In the common room, Not!Angel of Death harasses Secret African-American Wife a little before shivving Lenny the Crazee for not giving her his pills as she ordered. Just Judy Betty watches the whole thing go down, and is blown a kiss for her troubles. (YIKES.)
In their shared cell again, Not!Angel of Death asks Just Judy Betty for a kiss and gets a pummeling in response, but when the orderlies remove Just Judy Betty from Not!Angel of Death, it’s not Not!Angel of Death who Just Judy Betty is beating? It’s some other woman? We’ve never seen before? Huh.
So Just Judy Betty goes to her old office which has pointedly been stripped of the crucifix on the wall, and waits to talk to the new director of Briarcliff, Dr. Miranda Crump. Dr. Crump reveals that Just Judy Betty has gone through five roommates in two months and Just Judy Betty is like, “????” Dr. Crump then reveals that Monsignor Cardinal Timothy left Briarcliff two and a half years ago, and Just Judy Betty is like, “????” Dr. Crump finally reveals that Pepper died two years ago and Just Judy Betty is like “????”
Lana Winters, Published Author! attends a book signing/reading for her new memoir, Maniac, about the time she spent in Bloody Face’s killing basement. Except the portion she reads takes certain liberties with the truth, like the part where Bloody Face brought in another woman to the killing basement for some killing while Lana Winters, Exaggeration Isn’t the Same Thing As Lying Exactly! watched. Dr. Sylar stands up in the audience to admonish her for this, only to be joined by Secret Lesbian Girlfriend who takes exception to their relationship being left out of the book altogether. It wasn’t relevant to the theme? Lana Winters, Sometimes the Truth Needs to be Helped! protests to the figments in her imagination. WEAK SAUCE, protest the figments. And then Lana Winters, Former Victim! begins crying and everyone thinks that it’s because PTSD, but really it’s because lying sellout.
So she signs some books, is demanding and nasty to her assistant, and then Kitt Walker pushes his copy of the book in front of her and asks her to make it out to Kitt and she’s like OMG! KITT! before bragging about selling the movie rights to her book. Tuesday Weld is going to play her, RWORR!
The two go for coffee where Lana Winters, Media Whore! brags about being on Dick Cavett, and that her next book is going to be about Bad Santa. Kitt does not approve! What happened to Lana Winters, Mental Health Advocate! shutting Briarcliff down? Wasn’t that going to be her thing? Lana Winters, I’m Truman Capote! argues that things change, before making some disparaging comment about those at Briarcliff “drooling in the bread dough.” CAREFUL, SHE’S TALKING ABOUT KITT’S SECRET AFRICAN-AMERICAN WIFE.
In flashbacks, Kitt visits Secret African-American Wife at the horror show that is Briarcliff, bringing her presents from the alien bébés because he most definitely can’t bring them there to visit her, what with the residents rutting in the corner and rolling around on the floor.
Lana Winters, Yikes! apologizes to Kitt, she had no idea Secret African-American Wife is in there! Kitt explains that Secret African-American Wife isn’t in there anymore — she died. Her heart just stopped one day without warning.
Welp! Looks like we’re the only two left, chirps Lana Winters, Let’s Just Forget This Ever Happened! But Kitt has news for her: Just Judy Betty is still alive! He saw her! For reals!In flashback Kitt finds Just Judy Betty in the common room, watching some show about nuns and complaining that they stole her story. ONE DAY JUST JUDY BETTY IS GOING TO FLY RIGHT OUT OF HERE AND SHE WON’T NEED A HAT. Sure, ok.
Kitt urges Lana Winters, I’m Sorry But That Doesn’t Sound Like My Problem! to use her powers to close down Briarcliff, but she’s like, Oh well! Too bad for her! And with that, Lana Winters, Did I Mention I’m Famous Now! returns to her book signing.
After a enjoying a little crack, Son of Bloody Face goes to the same bookstore where Lana Winters, Author! was having her signing. The store has seen better days (THANKS, AMAZON) and everything is discounted heavily. Son of Bloody Face, he’s looking for something in particular: Maniac, a signed copy. The intertubes told him this bookstore had one copy. The book store owner insists it’s not for sale as it was her mother’s personal copy. Son of Bloody Face informs Book Store Owner that he’s Son of Lana Winters, Mother! But Book Store Owner is like, nope! Lana Winters, Personal Hero! had a rape baby, but he died soon after his birth. Son of Bloody Face asks if he can just see Lana Winters, Abandoner!’s signature, and Book Store Owner obliges as Son of Bloody Face outlines his plan: he’s going to meet Lana Winters, Mommie Dearest! and ask her if she knows who he is and when she says no he’s going to present her with the book and say that he’s in the book but he didn’t die he’s the piece of trash she threw away 48 years ago he’s her son and then he’s going to pull out a gun and shoot her in the face and he will finish his father’s work. So, you know, he’s going to need that book. And Book Store Owner hands it over because you don’t want to antagonize the crazy person standing two feet away from you.
American Horror Story airs Wednesday nights at 9 p.m. on FX.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.