American Horror Story
“The Name Game”
January 2, 2013
Dead Kitt is brought back to life — barely — by Dr. Hoggett pounding on his chest and presumably Pulp Fictioning him off-screen. Dr. Hoggett informs Kitt that his brain nearly died and he therefore may experience some unpleasant side effects like seeing black spots and being illegally detained in a mental institution. Kitt asks if the Alfs came, and Dr. Hoggett’s like, Nope! Guess we partially killed you for nothing! LOL!
But, in fact, we know that the Alfs did return, and brought Pepper and a très pregnant Grace back to Briarcliff. Dr. Hoggett removed them to his lab where he dismisses Pepper as being nothing more than a parrot, lacking the capacity for higher thought. But Pepper, she eloquently disagrees with him while informing him that his plans to x-ray Grace or perform a C-section will be unsuccessful. To prove this lat point, Dr. Hoggett’s scalpel goes flying out of his hand as he falls backwards. There’s a long Pepper speech about how no one takes microcephalics seriously, complains that she’s innocent of killing her sister’s baby, and concludes by warning that the Alfs are going to squish Dr. Hoggett’s brain, and he’ll be a freak like the rest of them. And with that, she dismisses Dr. Hoggett to go have his deflated ego soothed by his whorenun, ok goodbye.
As for Monsignor Timothy, he survived his crucifixion after the Angel of Death basically told him he had to buck up and go fight the devil in Sister Mary Eunice. It’s Sister Lucy Fur, however, who pushes the wheelchair bound Monsignor to his bed, all the while assuring him that she will be sleeping beside him in case he needs something. WINK. NUDGE.
Sister Lucy Fur then heads to the common room where she introduces the residents to the new jukebox she has had installed, after Patient G2573 took it upon herself to destroy their one copy of “Dominique.” Sister Lucy Fur then plays “I’ve Put a Spell on You,” in honor of Patient G2573, Miss Judy Martin, as Just Judy glares in response.
Kitt joins the residents to Lana Winters, Worried Sick!’s great relief, and the two wonder what happened to Dr. Sylar just as he saunters into the common room. UGH. HATE THIS GUY, they say as he sits down with them. Dr Sylar goes on to sneer at Lana Winters, Plucky! about her pluck, and how he hopes that she passes it on to their murderbaby whom she was unsuccessful at aborting. Dr. Sylar then explains that Sister Lucy Fur has given him a full-time position on the staff, so he and Kitt can have a little chit-chat about those confession tapes he recorded when they resume treatment tomorrow.
The residents are roused in the middle of the night for a bed check, in which Sister Lucy Fur sends Lana Winters, Could Probably Use a Bath! down to the hydrotherapy room for sassing her about murderbaby and Dr. Sylar, and in which Sister Lucy Fur supposedly discovers a cucumber in Just Judy’s room, giving her cause to send Just Judy down for a little electrokarma therapy. BZZT!
Sister Lucy Fur tends to Monignor’s stigmata, only to have him slap a crucifix against her forehead and begin praying feverishly for her soul. YOU TRY TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE, AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY’RE TRYING TO EXORCISE YOUR DEMONS. And so Sister Lucy Fur throws him off of her, and onto his back where she straddles him, disrobes and rapes him, relieving him of his virginity. Which is when Dr. Hoggett walks in and has a disappointed.
Just Judy stumbles into the common room, having been just electrobrainmelted, as the other residents laugh at her misfortune. All but for Lana Winters, Why Can’t I Enjoy This More!, who jumps up to Just Judy’s aid when she decides to beat up on the jukebox. Lana Winters, Why Am I Helping Her! asks Just Judy if she can remember her name, and reminds her that she’s Lana Banana. Does Just Judy remember her name?
There’s a long ridiculous Dusty Springfield-inspired fantasy dance sequence to “The Name Game” and I do not know what is happening and I do not care for it.
I understand this puts me in the minority and that everyone else was like THAT WAS THE VERY BEST! AHS + GLEE 4EVAR!! but I thought it went on way too long and that is all I will say about that, the end.
The musical fantasy ends and Lana Winters, Not a Shabby Dancer! reminds Just Judy that her name is Judy Martin, but gets no response.
Sister Lucy Fur finds Dr. Hoggett in the woods shoveling meat to the treezombies and pouting about her raping Monsignor Timothy. Sister Lucy Fur tells him to not be such a jealous baby, and then demands that he give Just Judy a full lobotomy. NOPE, Dr. Hoggett responds, before shooting all of his treezombies in their gross heads. So, I guess that’s the end of that non-story? Huh. Sister Lucy Fur laughs at Dr. Hoggett’s little tantrum as he places the gun to his own head and tells her that she has no idea what it means to have lost her. OH BROTHER, Sister Lucy Fur replies as he is unable to bring himself to pull the trigger.
Monsignor Timothy has the kitchen cleared out of residents so that he can talk at Just Judy alone: he’s rilly rilly rilly sorry about the whole institutionalizing thing, and the whole betrayal thing, and he was wrong and she was right and Sister Lucy Fur is possessed by the Devil, and he just doesn’t know what to do about it, what should he do? KILL HER, Just Judy barely manages to mutter.
Dr Sylar instructs an orderly to bring Kitt to his office, while he goes to raid Dr. Hoggett’s office for a little sodium pentothal. Except instead of finding some truth drugs, he finds Grace giving le birth in Dr. Hoggett’s secret lab. Huh!
Dr. Sylar then has his appointment with a be-straight-jacketed Kitt, revealing that he is pretty sure Kitt will tell him where the tapes are, seeing as Dr. Sylar has une surprise for him: Grace and peu Kitt, Jr.! Congratulations, Kitt’s a alien/baby-daddy! So, about those tapes?
Dr. Sylar stomps into the hydrotherapy room where, just as Kitt instructed, he finds a bundle tucked under one of the tubs. BUT HA HA, it’s just a copy of See Spot Run. Lana Winters, Remember That Thing About Pluck! appears and informs Dr. Sylar that she, in fact, is the only person who knows where the tapes actually are, and if Dr. Sylar does anything to Kitt — or anyone else for that matter — she’s sending the tapes straight to the police.
Meanwhile, in the common room, Mother Superior pays Just Judy a visit. As Mother Superior looks on in sympathy, Just Judy burbles incoherently about marrying Monsignor Timothy and moving to the Vatican and being a rare bird and Ravish Me Red and the devil being jealous. In the midst of this rambling, Just Judy has a moment of clarity in which she points out the woman smoking behind Mother Superior: Lana Winters, Can You Really Blame a Girl for Having a Cigarette?, and explains that she doesn’t belong in Briarcliff. Mother Superior must help her get out.
Sister Lucy Fur finds Monsignor Timothy busily reciting Ephesians 6:11-17, and mocks him for a while, noting that she knows he is planning on killing her — she can read his thoughts, so. The two go back and forth for a while about how she also knows what he really wants: power, and that she can give it to him, make him Pope, even. But when Sister Lucy Fur realizes that he’s not going to take her offer to help make him Pope (somehow), she announces she is going to just go ahead and devour the rest of Mary Eunice’s soul. NOM. At this moment, Sister Mary Eunice reemerges, briefly, and tells Monsignor Timothy that she can’t fight any longer and wants to let go. ALRIGHTY, THEN, Monsignor Timothy is here to help. And with that, Monsignor Timothy hurls Sister Mary Eunice/Lucy Fur over the balcony. BYYYYYEEEE, GURRRL.
The Angel of Death then appears at Sister Mary Eunice/Lucy Fur’s side and promises to take both of them. SMOOOOOCH!
Later, Monsignor Timothy prays over Sister Mary Eunice’s body when Dr. Hoggett enters and glares at the priest. The two briefly discuss what to do with her body: Monsignor Timothy wants to bury her, Dr. Hoggett wants to cremate her. Monsignor Timothy shrugs and is like, do whatever, bro.
And so Dr. Hoggett arranges Sister Mary Eunice’s body on the incinerator conveyor belt, pulls back the sheet to regard her face, and then climbs atop her body before pushing the button that sends them both into the flames. BYE, NAZI. GOODBYE TO YOU, BAD NAZIMAN.
American Horror Story airs Wednesday nights at 9 p.m. on FX.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.