‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: I feel like my brains were gonna come outta my head. Seriously.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey
“Public Display of Rejection”
June 24, 2012

I suppose it’s the day after Caroline and Jacqueline confronted Teresa about being a lying liar who lies (and is paid by tabloids to do so), but who knows for sure. Caroline puts dishes away and growls that she’s done with being Teresa’s amica, while Chris Laurita wanders into the backyard with a bottle of wine and gossip to share with the Manzo kids. Seems Jacqueline was up all night counting her blessings in hysterics over losing Teresa as una amica, clearly exhausting Chris Laurita. Which is why I’ll let his sexist comments about how “emotional” women are slip this one time. Oh wait, no I won’t: quit being such a sexist, Chris Laurita. Chris Laurita then whines at the Manzo Kids about having invited il Meatballs to Napa, for which he has no one to blame but himself. Hey! Maybe il Meatballs will have the good taste and decency to disinvite themselves from the trip! Especially since il Meatballs are known for 1. good taste and 2. decency.

At casa del Meatball, Teresa whines to Meatball about the fight, and reveals that she fled to Dina’s house where she cried and cried and cried and turned sisters against one another and cried. Teresa, she was ambushed! (Yes, certainly.) Teresa, she was asked pointed questions about her role in the tabloid stories! (Yes, understandably.) Teresa, she was asked about business stuff! (Yes, because that “business” involved attacking Caroline Manzo in the press for denaro, so.) Meatball, however, went to the Joy Behar School of Therapy, and only offers a few “So what, who cares?” before shuffling off into another room, because even though Teresa is terrible, he is The Worst.

Teresa, realizing that she has suddenly run out of allies, and that even Meatball won’t lend her un ear simpatico, turns to Kathy and invites her to lunch. Kathy, however, is no idiota, and understands that Teresa might have ulterior motives. And sure enough, at the lunch, Teresa tells Kathy her sad tale of woe about being ambushed by Caroline and Jacqueline, to which Kathy replies with a non-committal, “Huh.” Kathy then pulls out a pair of bedazzled bloomers? diaper pants? that Teresa gave Victoria as a baby and waves them around because this is the traditional way in which Italians mend fences with estranged members famiglia: FACT. (Il pannolino pantaloni, they call it, look it up.)

At il Follettos’, Melissa puts on some eyeshadow and calls Ryan Seacrest’s radio show to promote “On Display,” which even she notes Seacrest seems unimpressed by. (Wonder why?) But much more importantly, this happened, which is the best thing that happened in the entire episode, mayhaps the season, MAYBE EVEN THE ENTIRE SERIES:

rhonj punch in the head  joe gorga.gif


There is a very strange, completely contextual-less  scene wherein Teresa and Meatball sit next to their enormous koi pond with a bottle of champagne, as you do, and Teresa announces to Meatball that she’s given it some thought and she’s going to go to therapy with Folletto. Meatball, he does not approve of this turn of events, on account of the fact that he was a criminal meatball at the young age of 11, and he had to go to therapy this one time, and there were patzes there, so who needs it? Also, so what, who cares? Teresa is not persuaded by this sound argument and is determined to go against Meatball’s express wishes, on the hope that Folletto will realize how wrong he is about everything and finally admit that she is right, always. But Meatball manages to not call Teresa una idiota cozza, which makes me think that this conversation is (at least) the second one these two have had on the topic, because Teresa has learned her lesson about discussing Folletto with Meatball on camera without warning.

Finally, Folletto has decided to throw another party for Melissa’s big hit single, “On Display,” because. On the way to the party, Melissa reads a bunch of both positive and negative tweets about her song, and Folletto, he doesn’t understand why anyone would say negative things on the internet about people they don’t know — such lowlifes need to get a job or get laid, they need to get a life. AND, UH, EXCUSE ME, FOLLETTO, BUT I HAVE A JOB. AND MY JOB IS TO SAY NEGATIVE THINGS ON THE INTERNET ABOUT PEOPLE I DON’T KNOW, SO THERE. SHUT UP. I WIN.

Teresa also scours teh twitz looking for negative comments about Melissa’s song, and surprise! finds some. On the way to il Follettos’ party, Teresa worries about Jacqueline and Caroline also being there, but not enough to not attend, of course. Meatball tells Teresa that Chris Laurita told him that Jacqueline was upset about the fight, and Teresa is all, WELL SHE SHOULD BE UPSET ABOUT WHAT SHE DID, which is not exactly what Chris Laurita told Meatball, methinks.

At Da Club, everyone makes a bunch of supporting noises at Melissa, all the while trying to shake the persistent sense of déjà vu. When Teresa arrives, she curtly says hello to Caroline and Jacqueline before inviting Folletto outside to talk. There she announces she will go to therapy with him after all, and they awkwardly congratulate themselves for making this decision and LORD HELP ME, I can’t wait for the therapy episode. CAN NOT WAIT. BRING IT NOW.

Melissa goes on the stage and orders the DJ to play her song who cares. Not enough pleather pants bad lip synching backup dancers.

At the bar, Jacqueline decides that now is a good time to approach Teresa, because why wouldn’t it be? Booze, cameras, public place = perfect time to talk things out. Jac begins by telling Teresa that she’s been crying for two days straight, and Teresa concurs — she feels like her brains were coming outta head. NO COMMENT. TOO EASY. Teresa announces that Jacqueline incasinato, that it was an ambush, and Jacqueline counters that it was supposed to be an “awakening.” The problem is, Jac ain’t Robin Williams, and Teresa sure as inferno isn’t Robert De Niro, and that part where Jacqueline and Caroline were trying to “help” Teresa was completely lost on her. In fact, she hasn’t felt this hurt or disappointed since The Christening. Jacqueline rolls her eyes at being compared to that nightmare, and explains that she just simply doesn’t know what the truth is with Teresa anymore, that she’s been worried sick about her. In the interview response, Teresa announces that this was the moment that she should have punched Jacqueline in the face because that is a perfectly rational and reasonable response to your best friend expressing concern about you while you are enduring a nearly impossible mountain of legal, financial and possibly marital problems. Absolutely. Punch them in the face when they worry about yous. Teresa also manages to slip in there that Jacqueline and Caroline once got into a fistfight, which, nice deflection, Tre. Well done.

Teresa keeps insisting that Jacqueline attacked her, and that the only reasonable explanation is that Caroline was up inside Jac’s brain. Understandably, Jacqueline doesn’t appreciate being accused of not having her own thoughts or feelings on the matter. And on the topic of feelings, why is it that only Teresa has feelings that can be hurt? Teresa demands to know how she hurt Jacqueline’s feelings? Does Jac want to hear that Teresa is going to meatball jail? Is that what she wants? Actually, Chris Laurita explains to both Meatball and us that Jacqueline’s real problem was with Teresa contacting SquareBoobs, and potentially dragging her back into their lives. So what, who cares?, replies Meatball.

While Jac and Teresa bicker, Caroline and Folletto have a candid chat in which Caroline explains that she and Teresa have recently had a bad fight, and that perhaps with her out of the way, Teresa and Folletto can fix their problems with one another. Folletto informs Caroline that they are going to therapy together, and while he’s sad that Teresa and her friends are having trouble, if this is what it takes to reestablish a relationship with his sister, then so be it. /seriousbusiness

Finally, Melissa, fed up with the Fottuto Teresa Show happening over at the bar, interjects herself into the conversation, and insists that the two friends stop yelling at each other per favore. Teresa turns her attention to Melissa, explaining her SquareBoobs twitterz role in all of this, as Jacqueline walks away with a quiet, “Vaffanculo.”

Alone with Teresa, Melissa dismisses her contact with SquareBoobs as being pregnancy-hormone-induced insanity, an explanation which Teresa quickly accepts. DO NOT BE SURPRISED. Teresa, completely out of allies, is in a precarious position and understands that if she can not get Jacqueline and Caroline to align with her against Melissa, her only other option is to mend fences with Melissa while giving Caroline and Jacqueline il dito. Good plan! Hope it works out for ya, Tre!

In the meantime, Jacqueline does some fanculo shots with Heather McGiantTette, who is there for some reason (angling to be the next Real Housewife of New Jersey when they fire Kathy on account of boringness). Jac lost a best friend tonight. Fanculo! Cincin! But mostly fanculo!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey airs Sunday nights at 9 p.m. on Bravo.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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