‘The Bachelorette’: Pack Your Baggage

The Bachelorette
June 11, 2012

As part of a huge prank the Producers are pulling on our cousins in Great Britain, St. Emily, Little Ricky Bobby, Jr. and the manherd have been packed up and shipped over to England for a few days. LOL, LONDON, THEY’RE YOUR PROBLEM NOW! (Quick, State Department: revoke everyone’s passports!)

To prove to us that they are, in fact, in Merry Old England, and that St. Emily has not, in fact, abandoned her daughter, she and Ricky Bobby, Jr. drive around in a double-decker bus and look at some palaces and yammer about how “old” everything is in London. (Which, I mean, yes and no. London is very old, obviously, but most of the buildings that seem “so old” to St. Emily were built after the Great Fire of 1666. So compared to other old European cities — and even relative to her hometown of Charlotte, which was settled in 1755 — London is not actually that old at all. /pedantry) The men, meanwhile, are dumped in Trafalgar Square where they are told by Chris Harrison that there will be 1 group date and 2 one-on-one dates. And then Chris Harrison releases the square’s hawks on the men, driving them into the safety of their hotel.

At the hotel, the first date card arrives: “Dallas Sean: Love takes no prisoners … St. Emily.” Prisoners? So, clearly they’re going to the Tower of London at some point on their date, DUH. Not that this occurs to Dallas Sean who exclaims that he COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED! but that he has NO IDEA WHAT IT MEANS! Dallas Sean, it would seem, not only looks like an overenthusiastic yellow labrador retriever, he’s about as bright as one, too.

But now that one of the precious one-on-one dates has been claimed by Dallas Sean, the other 4 men who have not had a one-on-one date — Kalon Dru-Zod, Alejandro, Justin Wannabieber and Eggy — are freaking out. Kalon Dru-Zod, in particular, is disappointed that these puny humans keep getting his dates, and that no one appears to be kneeling before him. FRUSTRATING.

St. Emily meets Dallas Sean for their date: driving around London in a double-decker bus. HMM. THIS SEEMS VERY FAMILIAR, ST. EMILY. Did you just drive the bus over to the hotel, kick Ricky Bobby Jr. off and then yell at Dallas Sean to get on? I think this is what you did. The two then go on a tour, driving by a bunch of London landmarks, not that Dallas Sean has any idea what any of them are. “I should know what this is,” he says on national television about Big Ben. BIG BEN. BIG BEN! HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT BIG BEN IS! AND HE ADMITS THIS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!

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“Look kids, Big Ben, Parliment.” Also, you’re an idiot, Dallas Sean. (Therese Odell)

Realizing she’s dealing with an overenthusiastic yellow labrador retriever, St. Emily then explains what every location they are driving past is: Westminster Abbey, St. Paul’s Cathedral, Buckingham Palace, you know, where the Queen lives? (You idiot.) They stop and take pictures and kiss and I get that this is probably a pretty interesting date for the two of them but OY, IT IS SO BORING FOR US.

The two then go to Hyde Park, and Dallas Sean explains that he went on his last date some 4 or 5 months ago. And before that it had been over a year since he’s been on a date because he’s “selective,” and not a weird geographically-challenged loner. St. Emily explains that men who look like Dallas Sean are usually very dumb boring (clearly a reference to Wombat), but that Dallas Sean is supposedly not boring. This is based on nothing demonstrated on-screen, so I suppose we are going to just have to take her word for it. They then go to Speakers’ Corner, a lovable London tradition where schizophrenics stand on benches and scream at passersby. Dallas Sean, completely unbidden by the Producers, I’m very certain, decides to stand on a bench and bellow about how his parents and grandparents have all been married a really long time. St. Emily finds this “hot.” I think she’s looking for the word, “unilluminating.”

Finally, Dallas Sean and St. Emily head to the Tower of London for dinner because, get it? “Love takes no prisoners” on the date card? (And not “prisoner of love” as St. Emily recites with her suddenly broken voice? When did she develop laryngitis?) Dallas Sean, he still has no idea what she’s talking about, so St. Emily explains that King Henry VIII used to lock up his wives here, before beheading them. Romantic! Over dinner, St. Emily wonders when Dallas Sean is going to reveal some horrible truth about himself: that he’s been divorced 3 times or has 7 kids (which, quit being so judgey, St. Emily — that might come back to bite you, you know). And Dallas Sean assures her that what she sees is what she gets with him. Somehow, I suspect that is very, very true.

St. Emily harasses him about how many children he might want one day, and though it is clear Dallas Sean only wants 2, he makes the right noises about being open to more, and St. Emily gives him the rose and ohmygod is this boring date over yet? Yes? THANK GOODNESS, I was slipping into a coma over here.

Back at the hotel, Justin Wannabieber, Kalon Dru-Zod and Cal Naughton, Jr. grumpily await the arrival of the group date card. Kalon Dru-Zod, who I presume is fully aware of what the cameras that are trained on him actually do, says out loud that if one ends up with St. Emily, life will become a group date thanks to Little Ricky Bobby, Jr. Justin Wannabieber clutches his pearls in an interview, calling Kalon Dru-Zod arrogant and terrible (because he is), but appears to not say anything to Kalon Dru-Zod to his face. Cal Naughton, Jr. mumbles something about making sacrifices when you are in love, but I’m not sure that’s much better. Way to stand up for St. Emily, everyone!

The group date card arrives: “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Smug Chris, Cal Naughton, Jr., Pineapple Head, Doug the Dad, Alejandro, Eggy, Wolfboy and Kalon Dru-Zod.” It goes without saying that it takes an embarrassingly long time for this brain trust to figure out the date has something to do with Shakespeare. And it probably also goes without saying that Kalon Dru-Zod is furious to be put on a group date, again. (And yet, I’m gonna say it.) He doesn’t think this smells decent at all, y’all. In fact he thinks this smells like kryptonshite.

The men are unleashed upon poor Stratford-upon-Avon, the birthplace of Shakespeare, and informed that they are going to be performing some scenes from Romeo and Juliet. No one is happy about this, least of all the corpse of Shakespeare which is already furiously rolling about in its grave. The men audition for some “Shakespeare experts,” who decide that Alejandro, Wolfboy, Grandpa Simpson Head and Kalon Dru-Zod will be the Romeos, Smug Chris and Eggy will be unnamed dudes (At least one is Mercutio, but I’m not sure who the other is, another Mercutio? Unclear things are unclear.), and Doug the Dad and Cal Naughton, Jr. will play Juliet’s nanny. HAR HAR HAR, DUDES HAVE TO BE LADIES.

The men begin practicing, and we learn the following things: Kalon Dru-Zod believes he was “born to play this role;” Cal Naughton, Jr. DOES NOT LIKE TO HAVE TO BE A LADY; Pineapple Head is a gloater; and none of them have any idea what the words they are saying actually mean. So we didn’t learn anything, really.

Kalon Dru-Zod keeps up his charm offensive during the rehearsals, literally shooing St. Emily away at one point, because he needs to practice, not chitchat. On Krypton, they take their acting very seriously. Do you think his first-grade tour de force as Pinocchio would have been so memorable had he not practiced?

Finally, the men are costumed up, and herded out in front of an audience of unsuspecting strangers to “perform.” It goes about as well, and as interestingly as you suspect it does. Oh, and Pineapple Head gets the kissing/death scene, which he is EXTREMELY EXCITED ABOUT, IN YOUR FACE, CAL NAUGHTON, JR.

After butchering one of the greatest pieces of the western canon, the group is off to a nearby pub to celebrate with some pints. Cheers, Shakespeare! Sorry to ruin your play, Shakespeare!

At the pub, Pineapple Head takes St. Emily behind a curtain, ME GIVE YOU NECKLACE. ME LIKE YOU. ME MAKE YOU TROPHY WIFE, BUT YOU NO GET FAT. St. Emily thinks this gesture is very sweet and it confirms for her that they have something more in common than just physical attraction, which, sure. Whatever you need to tell yourself, honey.

Meanwhile, outside the curtain, Kalon Dru-Zod grouses to Smug Chris about getting the chance to talk to “an exhausted sick mother who has a child waiting for her,” and WHOA, WOW. Smug Chris goes outside to discuss Kalon Dru-Zod with Cal Naughton, Jr., and tells him that Kalon Dru-Zod just yesterday referred to Little Ricky Bobby, Jr. as “baggage.” They both agree that Kalon Dru-Zod is a kryptonjerk.

They then take this piece of information to the rest of the men, and Doug the Dad decides to confront Kalon Dru-Zod about it. Did Kalon Dru-Zod refer to Little Ricky Bobby, Jr. as “baggage?” Yes, Kalon Dru-Zod did say that, but he didn’t mean it in a negative way, Kalon Dru-Zod explains. Therefore, Kalon Dru-Zod shall neither take it back or apologize. Also, kneel before Kalon Dru-Zod.

Doug the Dad sighs heavily and then takes St. Emily aside to tell her about Kalon Dru-Zod and his children = luggage position. She is less than pleased, and declares that while she knows she should remain graceful and ladylike in this situation, she is instead going to go with Option B.: Go West Virginia hoodrat backwoods on his Kryptonian self.

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Doug the Dad and St. Emily come back out to the group, and St. Emily immediately confronts Kalon Dru-Zod: did he, FOR REALS refer to her 6-year-old daughter as “baggage?” Kalon Dru-Zod stammers something about it being unfortunate that it came up again with a negative connotation, and how this is a huge responsibility that one of these men are going to be dealing with for the rest of his life. St. Emily corrects him: Ricky Bobby, Jr. is a huge blessing. When Kalon Dru-Zod attempts to get a word in, St. Emily shuts him down: “I love to hear you talk, but not until I am done.” BOOM. ALL THE HIGH-FIVES FOR YOU, ST. EMILY.

St. Emily keeps up the awesome by announcing that anyone with the teensiest of hearts could see that her child is the furthest thing from “baggage,” and that she is just plain sad for him. When she asks him one last time if there is any way he can say he didn’t say that about her daughter, and Kalon Dru-Zod is like, NOPE. So she flatly tells him to GTFO. As Kalon Dru-Zod stands to leave, she berates him a little more for being the son of a single mother himself, and how he should know better and lets him know just how disappointing he is. NO, SERIOUSLY, GTFO.

I hope you were watching, Dr. Tube Socks, because St. Emily just schooled you on how to get rid of a “dot dot dot.”

As Kalon Dru-Zod enters his helicopter the Phantom Zone, he protests that he is really a stand-up guy and that he has his mother and grandmother to thank for that. I’m fairly certain his mother and grandmother would rather not be dragged into this, please and thank you. To Houston, Helicopter Chauffer!

St. Emily, in turn, is also very angry at the rest of the men for not telling her about this before now, and sends them all away without giving a rose to anyone. THAT’S HOW DISAPPOINTED ST. EMILY IS IN ALL OF YOU. HOPE YOU ARE PROUD OF YOURSELVES. (Of course, it could be argued that Doug the Dad did come to her as soon as he heard about all of this. And that perhaps he might deserve the rose for not only donning a dress earlier in the day, but then being the only man to confront Kalon Dru-Zod directly before telling St. Emily everything. Unless the entire thing was orchestrated by the Producers, which is entirely possible. Mystery!)

And so I guess there wasn’t a date card for Justin Wannabieber’s 1-on-1 date? I mean, I’m sure there was, but it would seem in the midst of the hubbub over Baggagegate, the Producers decided to not include its delivery. And I’ve already spent too much time worrying about it. “Justin Wannabieber: I could use some tea and sympathy … St. Emily.” There. I’ve made one up.

After poking her head into Ricky Bobby Jr.’s hotel room to make sure she’s still there, St. Emily meets Justin Wannabieber at the Chiswick House for high tea with Jean, the etiquette coach. Jean yells manners at them while they just try to enjoy cucumber sandwiches and a little Earl Gray. This is exactly as much fun as it sounds. Eventually, they sneak away and head to a nearby pub for pints and fish and chips. There, Justin Wannabieber claims that he was there when Kalon Dru-Zod made the baggage comment, and that he confronted him about it. Of course, because this moment was (presumably) not taped, there is no way to confirm this, but St. Emily doesn’t question it. Good enough! She says. Glad to hear it! She says.

They then have desert in the London Eye, except that they don’t touch their deserts the entire time they are there, what is wrong with these people? I suppose Justin Wannabieber is concerned about his elfin figure? Justin Wannabieber is charming enough, and asks St. Emily where she wants to be in a year. In turn, she asks him if he’s ready to have a 6-year-old move in with him in Salt Lake City, and he doesn’t blink. St. Emily offers him the date rose, because of course she does, and then they get off the ferris wheel and he talks endlessly about kissing her before actually kissing her, the end.

At the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison warns the manherd that St. Emily means serious business, and that Kalon Dru-Zod’s ignominious exit should stand as a warning to them all. St. Emily then proceeds to take each of the men aside and grill them as to why they didn’t say something either to Kalon Dru-Zod or to her about his nasty comments. “AND WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE, EGGY?” “AND WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE, WOLFBOY?” “AND WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE, CAL NAUGHTON, JR.?” None of them have particularly good excuses.

Pineapple Headed Ryan somehow manages to avoid the third degree, and performs the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet for her. He does so without once calling her his future trophy wife or suggesting that she hit the gym, so there’s that.

Dallas Sean takes St. Emily aside to assure her that had he been at the hotel when Kalon Dru-Zod made the baggage comment, he would have stood up for St. Emily. Sure you would have, Big Guy. St. Emily eats it up, though, and says that Dallas Sean makes her feel like she has “butterflies in her heart.” Oh, honey, no.

Finally, FINALLY, Chris Harrison arrives and we can get on with the rose ceremony:

Rose #1 Doug the Dad
Rose #2 Pineapple Head
Rose #3 Smug Chris
Rose #4 Wolfboy
Rose #5 Eggy
Rose #6 Cal Naughton, Jr.

Adiós, Alejandro. Nosotros nunca tuvimos la oportunidad de conocer a usted. Voy a decir, que parecía un tipo bastante agradable. Pero de regreso a San Francisco con usted. Vaya con Dios setas.

And with that, St. Emily announces that they are going to Dubrovnik, Croatia next. At least, I think she said Dubrovnik. It sounded an awful lot like Brevnik, which isn’t a city in Croatia, so we’re going to go with Dubrovnik. Sure. Croatia. Why not. It’s not the 1990s anymore, so I doubt anyone will get shelled. (For better or worse.)

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC, and requires copious amounts of red wine to get through.

This post originally appeared on Tubular, a blog on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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