‘The Real Housewives of New York’: #meangirls

The Real Housewives of New York City
“Your Tweeting Heart”
June 30, 2011

Things I’ve Learned About Declaring Bankruptcy from The Real Housewives of Everything:

  1. It’s Important to Maintain Good Energy: The best way to perk yourself up while becoming financially insolvent is to readjust your chi or whatevers by hiring a Feng Shui expert (at any cost) to come tell you to move your armoires and wave some sage around or something. There! Problems solved!
  2. Save Money by Being Your Own Handyman: Fact: most things you hire people to do for you (cleaning, cooking, answering the door) can be done for free, by you! Yes, you! Take plumbing, for instance. If, say, your toilet is clogged and has been for the past two weeks but you are hosting a fund raiser for something or other soon, you can just reach your ungloved hand straight into the toilet and remove the Blackberry that has been down there making trouble for the past fortnight. Just like that! Of course, you are going to want to call a plumber to come over and supervise.
  3. Keep Looking Fabulous! Fur boots, giant fur hats, sparkle dresses, improbably expensive high heels, these are necessities of which you should not be deprived due to a little financial ruin.

(All tips courtesy of Sonja Morgan, with some credit going to Teresa Giudice.)

Ramona, wanting to cheer up her dear friend Sonja, has decided to host a sweet sixteen + thirty birthday party for herself, and claim that it’s for Sonja, too. Because of the going-poors thing. For exposition and a little self-congratulation, Ramona brings Kelly and Alex along to meet with the event planners and explains her plan. Everyone is appropriately impressed with Ramona’s generosity, and tell her how wonderful she is to do such a thing.

And so, Ramona’s party. Everyone but Cindy manages to arrive before Sonja, including Simon and his full-length nehru jacket (hip!), which Mario calls a mu-mu. And I love me some Mario at that very moment. As Sonj arrives, Ramona yells at everyone to get into a very awkward receiving line and hold white roses, for some reason. Well, not everyone: She shoos away some nobody who happened to wander into her path. Kelly leads Sonja into the party, but instead of a big SURPRISE! she’s greeted by a manic Ramona. TAKE OFF YOUR COAT. HOLD THIS ROSE. LISTEN TO ME. Ramona then sappily explains that Sonja is like her sister, blah blah blah, her party, too, the end. And then she shoves Sonja down the receiving line, snapping at the ladies who don’t immediately hand over their roses.

Cindy eventually arrives, full of apologies for being late, and explaining that she had to attend her own company’s holiday party. However, because things has been going well between herself and Ramona, she felt it important to swing by and make an appearance. Also, the producers waved the contract she signed in her face and offered to devote an entire segment, maybe two, to her business in the episode. Deal.

Ramona decides that now’s as good a time as any to confront Jill about being excluded from her panty party, and notes that she understands why Jill excluded her, but it would have been nice to hear from Jill directly instead of from that tattle-tale Lunchbox Head. Fair point, says Jill. Ramona, clearly looking for a fight and not this reasonableness from Jill, decides to keep going, complaining that she is a businesswoman and knows how to behave, and she could have written her notes down or something. Jill again apologizes, and thanks Ramona for addressing this with her in a nice way. And then she excuses herself to someplace that is not right there with her, and an entire shrieking, cursing, pinot-spilling incident is averted, much to the producers’ deep chagrin.

Ramona and Mario lead Sonja into a second room at the party that mostly features a slideshow of young Ramona in ridiculous 80s clothes and Sonja gushes about how loved she feels. Whatever floats your yacht rowboat, lady.

lunchbox head close your mouth 2.jpg
CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.

There is a very boring scene wherein Cindy tries to explain to an uncomprehending Ramona that she doesn’t have any interest in dating. Ramona, in response, offers to give her some tips on how to pick up men. Sadly the tip is never actually revealed, but I’m guessing it involves making crazy eyes at them over a glass of white wine.

There’s another boring scene involving Cindy taking her parents and one of her twins to lunch at Blue Water Grill. I would say something about the inappropriateness of taking a one-year-old to a restaurant like this but 1. I am not one of these crazies and 2. I once took a 4-month-old to Cafe Annie, so I’m not really one to talk. Anyway. The baby acts like a baby; grabbing knives, knocking over water glasses, fussing. So Cindy does what any mother would do in a similar situation and calls her assistant to come down to the restaurant and hold the baby at a different table. Perfect. Good mothering.

Cindy then whines to her parents that she has an upcoming business trip that will take her to Atlanta and Dallas and wherever else her Completely Bare salons are BUT HOW IS SHE SUPPOSED TO FLY ON AIRPLANES WITH KIDS? Do they get their own seats? Should she fly in First Class? Will she have to hold them? DILEMMA. To Cindy’s mother’s infinite credit, she points out that millions of people manage this all the time. Word to Cindy’s mother.

Speaking of Cindy’s gross business, there is some sort of promotional event at some club where she is applying vajewels™ (gag™), mostly on men, it would seem. Jill soon arrives and expresses her deep disapproval of the vajewels™. Indeed, Jill. Kelly and The Lunchbox Heads arrive, and the question is how many seconds before Mr. Lunchbox Head is vajeweled™?

SADLY, THIS IS NEVER ADDRESSED. Instead, Mr. Lunchbox Head marches over to Jill and demands to schedule a lunch with her. She and Lunchbox Head may have kissed and made up, but that doesn’t mean things have been made right between Jill and Mr. Lunchbox Head. Jill agrees to meet with him at first, but once he leaves, Kelly questions this decision, and urges Jill to call it off. After all, Mr. Lunchbox Head is a weirdo, acting all weird.

So Jill marches back up to Mr. Lunchbox Head and explains that on second thought it’s a little awkward for a man to ask another man’s wife out to lunch, and whatever has happened is in the past, and so let’s just call it a truce, yeah? NOPE, says Mr. Lunchbox Head. WATCH OUT, he says. This is a reasonable and rational response. This just makes sense.

The Countess arrives in time for Jill to repeat the whole “Watch out,” ridiculousness, and for Jill to explain that Mr. Lunchbox Head has been on campaign of terror against her on Twitter recently, because he is a 13-year-old girl. (Sample tweet: “You know what everyone says about you behind your back? That you’re a homeschooled jungle freak who’s a less hot version of me.”) It would seem that Jill is not his only target: Kelly, too, has felt the wrath of his mean tweets. (Sample tweet: “I’m sorry I laughed at you that time you got diarrhea at Barnes & Nobles. And I’m sorry for telling everyone about it. And I’m sorry for repeating it now.”) And, wait, can we just stop here for a moment? Last week Bobby confronted Mr. Lunchbox Head about a website where he was writing mean things about Jill — was Bobby talking about Twitter? OH, GRANDPA.

Kelly then decides it’s her turn to confront Mr. Lunchbox Head, in which she demands that he stop mean-tweeting her (meanweeting? that just sounds dirty), and to act like a man. ACT LIKE A MAN! WHASSA MATTER WIT CHU?

In a flurry of exasperated faces and mouth-breathing, Lunchbox Head escorts her husband out of the party, demanding to know what is happening. He explains that he was just trying to be friends again with Jill, but then Kelly went and intervened and now THEY’LL NEVER BE FRIENDS AGAIN, EVER. Stupid Kelly, ruining everything. Somehow he manages to leave out the whole threatening Jill business, because he’s a 13-year-old girl and accepting responsibility for their actions isn’t something that they are known for.

You know what I love about the Real Housewives franchises? The ridiculous scenarios the producers come up with so as to get the ladies together for a scene (cooking lessons, pumpkin-carving parties, electronic cigarette-smoking psychics). This week’s ridiculous scenario is Jill inviting Kelly and The Countess come over to paint her house. Fun! Does she have any laundry laying around that she needs done, too? Maybe she should have called Sonja and had her come over to do some light plumbing. The point of all this is, of course, is so they can rehash “WATCH OUT-GATE,” and to try to figure out why, exactly, Mr. Lunchbox Head would tweet about them at all. Is he getting paid to? Is he just a mean girl? MYSTERY.

Meanwhile, in Brooklyn, the Lunchbox Heads confer about the whole Jill business. Alex assures her husband that if Jill won’t attempt to reconcile with him, then she and Jill can’t be friends, either. How could anyone imagine that Lunchbox Head would choose someone else over her husband?! 1. I don’t think anyone is asking you to do that, sweetheart, and 2. TAKE AWAY HIS TWITTERS. Seriously. (Sample tweet: “She’s so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. I know, right? It’s so embarrassing. I don’t even… Whatever. So then in eighth grade, I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana, and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like, if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she’d be like, “Why didn’t you call me back?” And I’d be like, “Why are you so obsessed with me?” So then, for my birthday party, which was an all-girls pool party, I was like, “Janis, I can’t invite you, because I think you’re lesbian.” I mean I couldn’t have a lesbian at my party. There were gonna be girls there in their *bathing suits*. I mean, right? She was a LESBIAN. So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her, it was so retarded. And then she dropped out of school because no one would talk to her, and she came back in the fall for high school, all of her hair was cut off and she was totally weird, and now I guess she’s on crack.”)

close your mouth lunchbox head 3.jpg
CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.

Kelly and Alex meet for lunch so that Kelly can mumble something about pancakes and ask Alex to take her husband’s twitters away. Lunchbox Head suggests that Kelly confront Mr. Lunchbox Head herself, and, UH, NO. But instead of focusing on Mr. Lunchbox Head being a creepy 13-year-old cyberbully, Kelly goes on a completely different and irrelevant path and starts telling Alex that she’s very concerned about her, that people feel sorry for her, but she should know that Kelly defends her. And Lunchbox Head turns a peculiar shade of purple, she’s so angry, which Kelly demands she stop doing, because one can control your blood pressure like that. Alex assures Kelly that she is just fine, thanks, and that she doesn’t need defending. But Kelly disagrees and worries that the other ladies are going to ice Lunchbox Head out, if things keep going this way. Lunchbox Head responds with an incredulous stare and a gaping mouth, because she can’t think without her mouth opening and closing like a fish. Ugh. Lunchbox Head.

The Real Housewives of New York airs at 9 p.m. on Thursdays on Bravo.

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