‘The Bachelorette’: Ellipsis

The Bachelorette
June 27, 2011

el·lip·sis /ɪˈlɪpsɪs/

1. Grammar:

a. the omission from a sentence or other construction of one or more words that would complete or clarify the construction, as the omission of who are, while I am,  or while we are from I like to interview people sitting down.

b. the omission of one or more items from a construction in order to avoid repeating the identical or equivalent items that are in a preceding or following construction, as the omission of been to Paris  from the second clause of I’ve been to Paris, but they haven’t.

2. Printing: a mark or marks as ——, …, or * * *, to indicate an omission or suppression of letters or words.

Pack up your hair products, dummies, we’re headed to Hong Kong! Dr. Tube Socks explains that this is her favorite city yet: it’s an island! It’s a city! There are cars! For some reason, this makes it the perfect place for Dr. Tube Socks to attempt to move forward and get over Bentley and his “dot dot dot.” Some editor is feeling extra metaphorical this week, and has Dr. Tube Socks stand perfectly still as the mass of humanity in Hong Kong speeds past her. Is this supposed to symbolize Dr. Tube Socks “moving forward?” Or maybe it’s that she’s actually not going anywhere at all, that she is still stuck on Bentley, the worst person who ever worsted, even though the words coming out of her mouth are saying something completely different. That must be it. DEEP.

But before Dr. Tube Socks can get started dating all over Hong Kong, Chris Harrison shows up at her hotel room door with news. It seems that Chris Harrison has decided that Dr. Tube Socks isn’t giving the remaining men a chance, what with her being so fixated on Bentley and his “dot dot dot.” So Chris Harrison reached out to Bentley and convinced him to fly halfway around the world to settle this nonsense once and for all. Chris Harrison personally checked Bentley into the hotel and carried his bags upstairs and made sure had turn down service and long story short: Bentley is in this hotel right this very second, ready to talk to Dr. Tube Socks about his “dot dot dot.” BUT. Chris Harrison doesn’t want Dr. Tube Socks to go up there and get anymore of this ambiguous nonsense. Dr. Tube Socks has to promise Chris Harrison that she will push Bentley to adequately explain himself and get some closure one way or the other already, and frankly, I think Chris Harrison is way too personally invested in all of this.

Dr. Dum Dum earnestly explains to the camera that if Bentley is here to admit he made a mistake and wants another chance, well, she just doesn’t know what she’ll do. There’s still hope there, after all. Are we completely certain she didn’t suffer a concussion last week, too? Can we get a neurological exam up in here?

And so, Dr. Tube Socks pulls up her tube socks and heads to Bentley’s hotel room, where sure enough he’s there waiting for her with his giant superorbital ridge, long johns shirt and d-bag grin. The two of them plop down on a couch where Bentley explains that he thought about calling, but then he wouldn’t get a free trip out of that, so he came to talk to her in person instead. So? How’s stuff?

Dr. Tube Socks explains that things were REALLY HARD for her after he left, and he’s all, Oh, cool! Then it was all worth it! Because that means we were on the same page! And Dr. Tube Socks is all, whaaaaa? And Bentley goes on about how he invited her to come to Salt Lake if it didn’t work out with any of the other dudes because he doesn’t know that it wouldn’t work BECAUSE HE IS A LYING LIAR. Ugh. This guy. Dr. Tube Socks is very very stupid, however, and goes on about how she has a gut feeling about him (IT’S CALLED INDIGESTION. I HAVE IT, TOO, DR. TUBE SOCKS), and thinks that there is a reason he came into her life, either to be with her or to teach her something, but she leaves out the actual reason: to be on the teevees.

Bentley then mumbles something about how she knows where he’s at, and where he’s coming from AND OBVIOUSLY NOT, BENTLEY, OR YOU WOULDN’T HAVE RECEIVED THAT ROUND-TRIP TICKET OUT TO HONG KONG FROM ABC. (deep, calming breaths) Finally he admits that it doesn’t look good for the two of them, and he urges her to stay and see what happens with the other men. Dr. Tube Socks asks if this is a “period” and LOOK WHO SUDDENLY KNOWS HER PUNCTUATION. Your second grade teacher and I are very proud of you for not just referring to it as a “dot,” Dr. Tube Socks. She goes on to ask if Bentley could just be a man and say that it’s over? And if Bentley came to the show for the reasons that Michelle the Villainess said, to string her along and leave Dr. Tube Socks wanting more, than MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. But couldn’t he just respect her enough as a human being to not leave her with his “dot dot dot?” And Bentley is like alright, let’s just call it a period, while barely being able to suppress his d-bag grin. ALRIGHT THEN, GOODBYE, HAIRDO AND GET YOUR HAND OFF MY LEG PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

So, finally, Dr. Tube Socks comes to the exact revelation that we all came to when SHE HERSELF told us that she heard a rumor that some guy named Bentley was coming on the show simply to promote himself: that Bentley is a manipulative jerk who wasn’t worth the time. She eloquently ends this chapter of her Bachelorette experience by imploring Bentley to do something rather untoward to himself, and the editor adds a moving image of a bird in flight because, get it? The bird? Dr. Tube Socks is giving Bentley The Bird? SYMBOLISM. THAT’S HOW YOU DO IT. BOOM.

The next morning, Dr. Tube Socks assures us that she feels refreshed and liberated. Well, super.

So the only men who have not had a one-on-one date at this point are Blake, Lucas and Ryan, which isn’t entirely surprising as I suspect Dr. Tube Socks can’t tell them apart. You know, the blond guy? With the jaw? Lucas, whichever one that is, receives the coveted one-on one: “Let’s find our good fortune on the streets of Hong Kong. Love, Dr. Tube Socks.” Lucas, whom everyone refers to as Big Tex, which I suppose means he’s from Texas, reveals that he’s never really been anywhere before, not even New York City, thereby just shattering both Texas and country boy stereotypes. Thanks for that, “Big Tex.”

Dr. Tube Socks and Big Tex Bland wander around the streets of Hong Kong marveling at neon lights, dragon dancers and street food. Because we don’t have any of these things in Texas. Dr. Tube Socks then brings Big Bland to a junk ship for dinner, where he talks about his divorce in the vaguest terms possible. This leads Dr. Tube Socks to offer him a rose, for his “honesty” or something, and they share the least passionate kiss in the history of kisses. Unfortunately for us all, they try again, and there’s a lot of mouth happening, so much mouth. Dr. Tube Socks explains that he makes her feel like a woman (gross) and his manhood (gross) makes her feel protected (just so gross).

Back at the Men’s Quarantine Area, the group date invitation arrives, and I think Ben the Wine Dude reads it, but I can’t be sure because he and that Constantine fellow are the Need a Haircut Twins. Anyway, the invite is for Ryan, Mickey, Constantine, Ben the Wine Dude, Fivehead and Blake: Let’s get our arts racing. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. It’s what Ben the Wine Dude (or maybe Constantine? Was that Constantine?) said, but it doesn’t make any damn sense. Let’s get our hearts racing? Our arks? Let’s go with arks. GRAB SOME GIRAFFES AND ZEBRAS, EVERYONE, WE’VE GOT SOME ARKS TO RACE.

In other news, this means J.P. receives the last one-on-one date of the week, which is particularly notable because he’s the first to receive two one-on-one dates. Oh snap, Ryan. In your face, Blake.

When the men arrive for their ark race (first one to see a dove with an olive branch in its beak wins!), they find Dr. Tube Socks in a jogging bra and leggings, jabbering something about dragon boat races, so maybe I wasn’t so far off with the “ark” suggestion after all. Dr. Tube Socks splits them up into three teams of two based entirely on their hairstyle and color:

  1. Constantine and Ben the Wine Dude
  2. Blake and Ryan
  3. Fivehead and Mickey

The ha-ha fun part of the competition is that each team has one hour to wander the streets of Hong Kong and ask strangers to come be on their dragon boat crew. Fivehead and Mickey, Blake and Ryan have no problem with this, somehow, and manage to convince actual professional dragon boat racers to help them out. But Constantine and Ben the Wine Dude are completely incapable of finding anyone who will participate, so they buy themselves red silk robes instead. That just makes sense.

However, when it is time for the race, somehow Constantine and Ben the Wine Dude have gathered what appear to be an entire soccer team’s worth of people, and I’m sure the producers did not just happen to have these people standing by. This is all completely organic.

Racing through the ocean, racing through the ocean, racing through the ocean. Fivehead and Mickey, who are taking this whole thing very very seriously for whatever dumb reason win it without much contest from the other teams. Fun fact: Constantine and Ben the Wine Dude were chanting “ba chi,” (or something similar, who knows) which they thought meant “eat it” but in actuality means “idiot.” There is nothing to add to this.

Once on shore, some young couple happens to get engaged near Dr. Tube Socks and the ark racers, which was just totally serendipitous and not planned at all and is, in an episode filled with awkward moments, perhaps the most awkward moment of all as the men all try to look somewhere, anywhere else and Dr. Tube Socks makes a bunch of “I can’t believe this is happening!” noises. /run-on sentence.

Dr. Tube Socks arrives at the final part of the date wearing yet another stunningly slutty dress. Short and tight and leopard print and just won’t someone take this girl to Anthropologie or something? There’s a whole world of dresses out there that aren’t actually tube socks, Dr. Tube Socks. For real.

Fivehead whisks her into an elevator to make the kissing. It’s a short trip.

Either Ben the Wine Dude or Constantine, it doesn’t really matter, tells Dr. Tube Socks that he came to this experience a skeptic, but he’s been changed.

Ryan whines at her about not having a one-on-one date, and so, while the rest of the men groan in irritation, Dr. Tube Socks awards him the group date rose.

And let’s talk about Ryan for a moment: Apparently? All the other men hate him? Because he’s perky and upbeat? I don’t get it. There’s a lot of talk about his energy and being irritating, and while I’m sure they aren’t wrong, it’s unlike the producers to not show someone at their irritating worst. That’s Bachelor/Bachelorette gold. And Ryan just isn’t coming off that badly, to be honest. Is he really smiley? Yes. Does he seem excessively positive? Sure. But it’s not like Dr. Tube Socks is some sort of moping emo princess. If the other men hadn’t noticed, she is sort of the definition of perky-annoying. And therefore these two yippy Jack Russell Terriers are perfect for one another. Right? Or am I the crazy one?

The final one-on-one date card arrives for J.P.: “Let’s take a peek into our future. Love, Dr. Tube Socks.” Oh cool, fortune tellers, right? They’re going to go to a palm reader, or maybe have their tarot cards read or whatever the Chinese equivalent is, clearly.

Or maybe they’ll have a generic dinner at someplace with the word “zodiac” in the name. Over dinner, Dr. Tube Socks asks J.P. some dumb questions about the last time he cried and he goes on about his last breakup, and hints about proposing, because, sure.

Dr. Tube Socks decides she needs to come clean with J.P. and confesses the whole mess with Bentley: she was sad because it was specifically Bentley who left, but then he came back, closure, blah. And J.P. handles all this with coolness because he’s cool. Dr. Tube Socks gives him the rose while yammering about moving forward emotionally and becoming attached and finally being on the right track. CUE THE VISUAL METAPHOR: Sure enough, J.P. and Dr. Tube Socks climb into a trolley and head up some hill or something to look at the skyline (or what they can see of it through the fog) and drink champagne and listen to some Asian instrument and kiss. Just keep working that symbolic editing magic, editor.

Dr. Tube Socks puts on her sparkliest, and chest-revealingest tube sock, and arrives via a boat to the Final Rose Ceremony, full of excitement and certainty that the rest of the men are going to be as excited to hear about the Bentley developments as she is to share them. This, it turns out, is hilarious. She explains the whole business: she was sad because it was specifically Bentley who left, but then he came back, closure, blah. But instead of lifting their glasses of champagne in a toast to her honesty, or whatever she thought was going to happen, the men freak. out. Constantine calls her a liar; Big Bland whines about having traveled to 3! different places for her and having had to get on a junk boat that one time; Blake snarls at her for having fallen for someone else and not being completely honest; Dr. Tube Socks cries.

Ryan, J.P. and Fivehead manage to not pull out their hair and beat their chests and rend their garments, so points to all of them. Big Bland, however is still REALLY MAD! A JUNK BOAT! HE WENT ON A JUNK BOAT! Blake takes Dr. Tube Socks aside to berate her for I don’t even know what; liking another guy? Because he, I guess, thought they were exclusive or something? I MEAN, ARE YOU AWARE THAT YOU ARE ON A DATING SHOW WITH 7 OTHER MEN RIGHT NOW, BLAKE? Stupid. So, so stupid.

And then there’s Mickey. Pretty, pretty Mickey who tells her to not bother giving him a rose that evening, he’s ready to go home over this. Dr. Tube Sock’s is all, “Just go if you feel that way,” and so he does. And all I can think is that Mickey had been looking for an out for weeks now, and by golly, he was going to take it. SMELL YOU SUCKERS LATER!

Dr. Tube Socks comes stomping back to the other men, sobbing and moaning that this is really hard, y’all, and maybe she misspoke, but she’d really appreciate a chance, COME ON. And as she stomps away again, J.P. reveals to the other men that he totally knew all about this for like a whole day, PWND. And then nitwit Blake starts nervously chittering that, You know, she seemed really sincere, actually. Maybe we should be nice to her? I don’t know, it would be awesome to have a rose, you know? Right guys? A rose?

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison has taken Dr. Tube Socks aside so she can sob some more about how she really thought the men would think her revelation about Bentley was awesome and not, in fact, a huge slap in the face. Chris Harrison points out that all the men heard was “BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU’RE SECOND BEST, LOSERS. BLAH.” Chris Harrison then leads her to the makeshift Glamour Shots Alcove of Contemplation, where she places Mickey’s photograph face down. R.I.P. Mickey.

Dr. Tube Socks begins the rose ceremony by noting that it’s been an emotional night, but she seriously likes all of them so much more than that Benji? Bertly? What was his name again? SEE HOW MUCH SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT HIM? And she hopes to move forward.

I, for one, am not buying it. Fortunately for us all, I was not offered a rose.

Rose #1: Ben the Wine Dude
Rose #2: Constantine
Rose #3: Ames

No rose for you, Blake. Get your periodontal probes and your weasel face and scram.


The Bachelorette airs 7 p.m. Mondays on ABC and I will be better about posting next week, pinkie swear.

This post originally appeared on Tubular, a blog on the Hearst site, Chron.com.

Leave a Reply