‘The Bachelorette’: Hit Me With Your Best Shot

The Bachelorette
June 20, 2011

Bonjour, mon ami! It is me, your blogueur fidèle, back from a quick jaunt to Paris, where I sipped coffee on the Left Bank, ate eclairs and thought not at all about Chris Harrison, Dr. Tube Socks and her insecurity issues, or Bentley. Not once! But all good things must come to an end, and thus, here we are once again, left to pretend to care about this little chittering dental student and her “love life,” as though she will still be with whomever she chooses five months from now, OR AS IF ANY OF THIS MATTERS AT ALL IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS, SERIOUSLY.

What’s left of the philosophical Parisian in me wonders what Albert Camus would have to say about any of this. Oh wait, I know:

I leave Sisyphus at the foot of the mountain! One always finds one’s burden again. But Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. This universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile. Each atom of that stone, each mineral flake of that night filled mountain, in itself forms a world. The struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man’s heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy.

That’s it! I’m happy! Perfectly happy just shoving this rock up this hill! La la la! So happy! HAPPY, I TELL YOU.


While I was in France: The men are informed they are going to Phuket, Thailand. I will avoid making any obvious jokes about the word “Phuket.” Constantine has the first one-on-one date which they spend harassing the confused and unsuspecting locals and he gets a rose from an ambivalent Dr. Tube Socks. Dr. Tube Socks then makes the men do a bunch of charity work for orphans as their group date. Ryan gets on everyone’s last nerve. Ben the Wine Dude receives the group date rose after he paints a rather sad elephant on the orphans’ wall. Ames and Dr. Tube Socks kayak on their one-on-one date and she talks (to the camera) about Bentley non-stop. Despite not being Bentley, Ames is offered a rose. Dr. Tube Socks decides to mix things up a little at the rose ceremony by cutting only one guy, instead of the expected two. WHICH IS JUST MADNESS.

Rose #1: Lucas (who?)
Rose #2: Ryan
Rose #3: J.P.
Rose #4: Nick (who?)
Rose #5: Mickey
Rose #6: Blake (no, seriously, who?)
Rose #7: William
Rose #8: Pepe Le Pew, Esq.

Eliminated is The Tragic Widower, who takes it rather poorly, moping that Dr. Tube Socks cut him just because he had a dead wife. Well, yes. Sucks to be you, dude. Maybe a reality teevee program wasn’t the best way to re-enter the dating world following the tragic and unexpected death of your wife. Something to consider on your long flight back across the Pacific Ocean.

Phuket, having paid its karmic debt for something very very terrible it once did, is finally relieved as the men and their chest waxing products are herded onto a bus and flown to Chiang Mai. Oh, Chiang Mai, what did you do? Whatever did you do to deserve this? Ames explains that Chiang Mai is “the perfect place to fall in love,” which is interesting as he said the same exact thing about Phuket. So. He does use the word “millennial” correctly and in context. Points for that, Fivehead.

As the men arrive at their new พื้นที่กักกัน, J.P. helpfully explains that his best moments with Dr. Tube Socks have been when they were alone together. ORLY?

For her part, Dr. Tube Socks yammers on about how Chiang Mai represents a new start, P.B. (Post Bentley). She’s a driver, she’s a winner. Things are gonna change, she can feel it.

PAY ATTENTION, MEN. Chris Harrison explains that this week there will be:

  1. One one-on-one date
  2. One group date
  3. One two-on-one date

THE DREADED 2/1 DATE! One man receives a rose, one man dies flies home. In coach.

The first date card is for Ben the Wine Dude: “Let’s fall in love in Chiang Mai. Love, Dr. Tube Socks.” Do they have a poet on staff to write these date cards? They are so creative and romantic.

And then Dr. Tube Socks and Ben the Wine Dude, whom it should be noted bears an uncanny resemblance to Constantine, essentially recreate the one-on-one date Dr. Tube Socks had with Constantine last week: going to the marketplace, trying on scarves, putting on wacky hats. Or maybe its some sort of combination of having watched 4 hours of The Bachelorette in a row while jet lagged, and I dreamt the whole thing, conflating Ben and Constantine in some sort of confused fog. Did this happen? Were the producers really that lazy that they just recreated an earlier date from the previous week whole cloth? And did Ben the Wine Dude and Dr. Tube Socks then paint happy faces on umbrellas? That’s the jet lag talking too, right?

Dr. Tube Socks leads Ben the Wine Dude to an ancient temple, which is quite lovely, before explaining to him that it’s forbidden to kiss there, all the while leaning towards him fake-suggestively. It’s gross. Not as gross as the Young Spanish Couple In Love whom I stood next to in line at the catacombs for one and a half hours, and who couldn’t stop licking each other’s faces, NOT FOR ONE SECOND OF THAT ENTIRE TIME, and I guess my point is the entire time I was standing there, two feet away from these people who couldn’t keep their tongues in their own mouths for more than 30 seconds at a time, that whole time I kept wishing that I had a water bottle with a sprayer attached — you know, the kind you use to discourage the cat from spraying the couch or destroying the curtains — so that I could squirt them as required, and I am hoping that the monks at this temple keep a squirt bottle under their robes, and wishing that they would come and spray Dr. Tube Socks and Ben the Wine Dude just for good measure. Because they are gross.

That evening, Dr. Tube Socks puts on her strapless capri evening jumper (Fancy!) and brings Ben the Wine Dude to some sort of garden filled with candles and flowers where they will eat dinner. Ben the Wine Dude opens up to Dr. Tube Socks about his job and wine and his dead dad and being emotionally stunted and blah blah blah taking down emotional walls, daddy issues, blah. Dr. Tube Socks asks Ben the Wine Dude what his agenda in a relationship is, and he yammers about dinner parties and spoiling his girlfriend and traveling and more dinner parties and says absolutely nothing about getting himself a decent haircut or at the very least using a volumizing shampoo, which is a shame. Dr. Tube Socks gives him a rose anyway and then a bunch of fire-blowers and dancers with candles come out for some reason and Dr. Tube Socks and Ben the Wine Dude kiss and someone needs to pass me that spray bottle already.

Back at the the พื้นที่กักกัน, the men learn that Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan, J.P., and Mickey will be going on a group date. “Love is worth fighting for. Love, Dr. Tube Socks.” One of the blonds asks if this is meant literally, and I wonder if he ever watched a single episode of this show before signing on. It seems like you should watch at least one episode before you appear on a show, right? OF COURSE IT IS MEANT LITERALLY.

This means the two-on-one date is between William and Pepe Le Pew, Esq. They both turn a peculiar shade of green at the news.

BUT WHO CARES. It’s group date time wherein the men will have to beat each other to pulps! HOORAY! LET’S DO THIS THING! Dr. Tube Socks has the men meet her at a Muay Thai training center, and explains that for the next three hours she is going to have small Thai men punch them in the gut while they do situps and perch on their backs while they do pushups. SOUNDS GREAT! HIT THEM HARDER, LITTLE THAI MEN!

Ames spends a lot of time worrying over the fact that he’s never been in a fight before, he prefers to resolve conflicts peacefully, Fivehead has no idea how to fight, foreshadowing, etc.

Dr. Tube Socks has the men pick out silly silk boxer shorts and gloves, and Fivehead, thanks to his gentlemanliness, gets stuck with pink.

And now a reading from Reservoir Dogs:

Mr. Pink: Hey, why am I Mr. Pink?
Joe: Because you’re a *****.
Mr. Pink: Why can’t we pick our own colors?
Joe: No way, no way. Tried it once, doesn’t work. You got four guys all fighting over who’s gonna be Mr. Black, but they don’t know each other, so nobody wants to back down. No way. I pick. You’re Mr. Pink. Be thankful you’re not Mr. Yellow.
Mr. Brown: Yeah, but Mr. Brown is a little too close to Mr. ****.
Mr. Pink: Mr. Pink sounds like Mr. *****. How ’bout if I’m Mr. Purple? That sounds good to me. I’ll be Mr. Purple.
Joe: You’re not Mr. Purple. Some guy on some other job is Mr. Purple. Your Mr. PINK.
Mr. White: Who cares what your name is?
Mr. Pink: Yeah, that’s easy for your to say, you’re Mr. White. You have a cool-sounding name. Alright look, if it’s no big deal to be Mr. Pink, you wanna trade?
Joe: Hey! NOBODY’S trading with ANYBODY. This ain’t a goddamn, ******* city council meeting, you know. Now listen up, Mr. Pink. There’s two ways you can go on this job: my way or the highway. Now what’s it gonna be, Mr. Pink?
Mr. Pink: Jesus Christ, Joe, ******* forget about it. It’s beneath me. I’m Mr. Pink. Let’s move on.
Joe: I’ll move on when I feel like it… All you guys got the goddamn message?… I’m so goddamn mad, hollering at you guys I can hardly talk. Pssh. Let’s go to work.


The men are loaded into a rickety cab and driven to a city square somewhere, where there is a boxing ring set up and two men attempting to kick each other to death in front of 200 or so onlookers. LET’S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMBLE!!!

Round 1: Blake versus Lucas: Blake wins.

Round 2: Mickey versus J.P.: DON’T HURT MICKEY’S PRETTY PRETTY FACE. And at first it doesn’t seem like that will be a problem. But then J.P. discovers that he has hands! that he can turn into fists! which he can use to hit Mickey back! instead of standing around like a lump. J.P. wins.

Round 3: Ames versus Ryan: Which is unfair for a couple reasons: A. Ames has never been in a fight before. B. Ames’ giant Fivehead is a very very very easy target. (See: all of my jokes about his giant head.) Ryan pounds Fivehead’s fivehead, and Ames promptly loses the match, but gains a concussion that sends him to the hospital.

Round 4: Nick versus Constantine: Constantine wins but no one cares because everyone is busy loading Fivehead into an ambulance.

Hospital or no, Dr. Tube Socks is obligated to host a party with whomever is left standing and give a rose to someone, anyone, who cares, really. Everyone wrings their hands and worries about Fivehead, and Ryan show Dr. Tube Socks his bruises incurred while he was working on Fivehead’s concussion, not that Dr. Tube Sock cares. Not really.

Dr. Tube Socks visits with one of the blond guys whose name I can’t remember (Blaine? Blade? Bluke? Who cares?) who pulls a Dr. Tube Socks from The Bachelor and whines that he haz an insecure about her feelings for him. This makes Dr. Tube Socks think about Bentley, because of course it does.

One of the other blond guys teaches Dr. Tube Socks a proper golf swing but this is as boring as it is gross, and we won’t discuss it any further.

Eventually, Ames returns from the hospital, dazed and dopey, and talking about being in love with Dr. Tube Socks, so you know it was a bad head injury, but even this isn’t enough for her to give him the rose, instead opting to give it to Dr. Insecurity because he reminds her of herself, duh.

The next day is the Dreaded Two-on-One Date with William the Roaster and Pepe Le Pew, Esq. The three meet at the Elephant Life Experience, where they get on a raft and row down a river where ostensibly there are some elephants? Sure. Somewhere in the vicinity there might be elephants.

In the confessionals, William the Hilarious twists his mustache in delight as he explains that he’s going to get rid of Pepe Le Pew once and for all. MWA HA HA HA HA. And at the first opportunity, William the Jokester informs Dr. Tube Socks that at the พื้นที่กักกัน, Pepe Le Pew has been going on and on about how excited he is to be eliminated so he can get on Match.com and eHarmony and TrekPassions.com and just scoop up the honeys who all are just dying to date a Bachelorette reject. Because who wouldn’t want a piece of that? Dr. Tube Socks takes this about as well as to be expected, and without comment, marches over to Pepe Le Pew and informs him the date is over and he is headed back on a long flight to New Orleans. KBAI.

As she walks Pepe Le Pew, Esq. to the raft, she explains what she heard about him, and he is all, “Mon cherie, I wuz only jhuking! Vous understand, no?” But she doesn’t and IT’S TIME FOR HIM TO LEAVE NOW, OK GOODBYE.

That night, Dr. Tube Socks puts on a ridiculous dress and has dinner with William the Yukster, who, having vanquished Pepe Le Pew, Esq, is puffed up with misplaced confidence. He burbles something or other about being pleased that she trusted him regarding Pepe Le Pew, and she’s like, Yeah, that’s great, you go home now, too, goodbye.

In the car on the way back to cellphoneville, William bemoans what a loser he is (no argument), how he wishes he could go back and do something different (not call her garbage in front of an audience of strangers) and that he wishes he could curl up in bed and not wake up again. Well, as long as you’re not being all melodramatic about it, Wills.

As the Car of Confirmed Bachelorhood drives away, Dr. Tube Socks burns the rose in a nearby firepit. SYMBOLISM.

The next night (? is it the next night? So unclear. I have no idea how much time has passed, thanks to some shoddy editing. Maybe it’s representational? Maybe this is supposed to be what it feels like inside Dr. Tube Socks’ heartbroken soul, just completely unmoored from time and space?) is the rose ceremony. Dr. Tube Socks begins the festivities by announcing that she doesn’t expect any of them to necessarily fall in love with her. LET’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!!!

Ryan, the brainiac, notes that something seemed off with her tonight. Nothing gets past this one. He takes Dr. Tube Socks aside to tell her something about looking forward and feeling goozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

When he gets a moment alone with her, Constantine tells her that he’s closer to the rest of the guys than with her and that he likes her well enough. Whatever.  Can he see himself bringing her home to his parents? Maybe not. Eh.

J.P. is a little more effusive (because it would be hard not to be), noting that he is really starting to have feelings for her, but this only makes her think about Bentley some more, because she is an idiot, with the binary brain of a pigeon: Bentley | No Bentley.

Before sending her to the Glamour Shots Alcove of Contemplation, Chris Harrison takes Dr. Tube Socks aside to talk over this whole Bentley situation. She unleashes a whole monologue on the topic: All she’s been doing is thinking about Bentley and his flannel shirts and not having closure and not being able to move on and wanting a clean start and her heart keeps going back to him and she thinks it was real and she wants to be respectful to the other men but she needs to understand why Bentley left and why did he do this to her, WHYYYYYYYYY? DOT DOT DOT! HE SAID, “DOT DOT DOT,” CHRIS HARRISON.

Chris Harrison mumbles a half-sympathetic “mmm-hmm” before shoving her into the Glamour Shot Alcove of Contemplation, because one of these guys isn’t going to eliminate himself, amirite?

At the rose ceremony, Dr. Tube Socks promises to be honest with the remaining men. It’s, like, super important.

Rose #1: Constantine (for realz?!)
Rose #2: Lucas (who?)
Rose #3: J.P.
Rose #4: Ames
Rose #5: Mickey
Rose #6: Ryan

And Nick, the blond who is a personal trainer, just earned a long flight back to the gym. Maybe if he’d shaven that stupid little soul patch, he could have stuck around a little longer than Constantine “I Just Told Her I Didn’t Like Her And She Kept Me Anyways” Needsahaircut. He actually seemed nice enough, if not particularly bright. Not that that matters on this show.

Nick is devastated. It’s so hard to say good bye to “love,” because that’s what he had with Dr. Tube Socks. Love. He was in love with her. Clearly. Goodbye, Nick! I wish I could say I’ll remember you, but I won’t.

The Bachelorette still airs 7 p.m. Mondays at ABC despite my pretending it didn’t exist for an entire week.

This post originally appeared on Tubular, a blog on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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