March 14, 2011
UPDATED: It’s been a long road, chickens. We’ve laughed and cried and cried and pulled out our hair and broken our caps lock keys and given ourselves black eyes and cried some more, but we’re finally here, the big day: Who will Wombat choose to make his wombat bride? Will it be DeAnna Pappas impersonator, Chantal “Slappy” O.? Or will it be the tragic single mother with a heart of gold, St. Emily? I suppose you could just look at the picture above and figure it out, or you can dive into the recap of one of the longest nights of my life after the jump:
We begin the big night with Wombat explaining CAPE TOWN, SOUTH AFRICA OBVIOUS PLACE TO END THIS JOURNEY BECAUSE. Well, obviously. And to help him in his final decision,
The Producers Wombat is flying his family out to meet the remaining ladies, Chantal and St. Emily, so that they may judge them. BECAUSE THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. And what 38-year-old man could possibly decide whom to marry without his family telling him what to do first?
The Wombats arrive, which sends Wombat into tears. Long, heavy, unconstrained, Um-you’re-making-everyone-uncomfortable-now-Wombat tears. The Wombat family isn’t really sure what to do, so they shove their hands in their pockets and avert their eyes and clear their throats for a while.
Eventually, Wombat pulls himself together, just in time for Chantal to arrive and Chantal all over the place. She’s bubbly and loud and Chantally and everyone thinks she’s cute or whatever. “Precious” is the word Momma Wombat uses. Sure. Chantal is “precious.”.
The Producers then make Wombat lie to the cameras for a while Wombat then yammers for a bit about how WOMBAT SEE WOMBAT MARRY CHANTAL MAYBE. IF EVERYTHING WORKS OUT.
And now, St. Emily’s turn with the Wombats. Wombat is all, WOMBAT NERVOUS ABOUT ST. EMILY PAST. But she comes right in and opens up about her five-year-old daughter and her dead fiance and everyone starts crying because COME ON. LET’S QUIT ACTING AS THOUGH THIS IS SOMEHOW “SCANDALOUS” OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN A REMARKABLE STORY DEMONSTRATING HER STRENGTH AS A PERSON. Oy. Needless to say, the whole family falls in love with St. Emily, and the Wombat sisters-in-law basically tell Wombat not to bring that skank Chantal into their homes if he knows what’s good for him; the Wombat brothers Wombat #2 & #3 warn Wombat that being a father is a big deal and to remind him of DADDY ISSUES; and Momma Wombat bursts into tears because St. Emily refers to Wombat as her “angel.” Gag.
But because we have to milk two hours out of this whole charade, we have to have final individual dates with the ladies. Wombat takes Chantal out on what at first appears to be an innocent cruise to look at seals, but in reality is a SHARK DIVE! Because of course it is. It wasn’t bad enough to make Chantal, whom we’ve already established is terrified of the open water, walk around in a goofy submarine helmet and stomp on kelp. You wanna marry Wombat, Chantal ? PROVE IT. Put on this Lady Gaga meat suit, and lower yourself into shark-infested waters. And she does, because when you sign the contract to be on The Bachelor, one of the clauses involves relinquishing your pride and/or good sense. Wombat thinks this is A GREAT WAY TO TEST THE WATERS BEFORE MARRY, because, as evidenced by this entire season, he thinks marriage is one long episode of Fear Factor.
Oh my God.
Does Wombat think he’s on Fear Factor right now? Does he think Chris Harrison is actually Joe Rogan? IT WOULD EXPLAIN SO MUCH.
That night, Wombat visits Chantal in her hotel room where she presents him with some sort of map showing all the places around the world where they had dates. She goes on about how it shows how much she cares about him because she’s never gone around the world for a man before. Oh, no? Have there been other occasions when major networks have offered to fly you to exotic locations and put you up in luxury accommodations and you’ve been like, Um, no thanks, I’m just not into the random stranger with whom you want me to manufacture a relationship. Because unless this has happened before, I’m a little underwhelmed at how much you’ve “done” to be with Wombat, Miss O. And there’s a long and boring letter attached to the map but because I am in a hotel room on the top of a mountain somewhere and do not have access to a DVR/was SUPER BORED BY IT, I’m not going to transcribe it word for word. Essentially, she really likes him. Does he like her? Check yes or no.
The next day, Wombat picks St. Emily up in what I suppose will be his last helicopter date of the season. This is a sad day for helicopter pilots everywhere as a full 20% of their business is now gone. Anyway, he and St. Emily have a picnic on what appears to be a very precarious cliff on the Cape of Good Hope where they stare into the scenery very seriously for a long time.
That night, Wombat arrives at her hotel room and tries to tell St. Emily that WOMBAT VERY SERIOUS ABOUT BEING A DADDY WOMBAT. WOMBAT CARE ABOUT RICKYBOBBY, JR. But St. Emily, because she’s a mother, has reservations and reasonably points out that being a dad isn’t all kite-flying and picture-drawing. Sometimes you have to get up with a sick kid at 3 o’clock in the morning and sometimes that kid then passes that bug to you on New Year’s Eve or 24 hours before you’re supposed to get on an airplane and travel across the country and parenthood is not all GLAMOUR and SEXYTIMES and PERFECTION like you see on Kate + 8. For some reason, even though this is, as noted, a perfectly reasonable concern on the part of a mother of a small child, Wombat gets angry and has to splash some water on his giant Wombat head before stomping out of the room.
Wombat and his giant back tattoo are too confused to put on a shirt. CHANTAL AND ST. EMILY SO DIFFERENT. HOW TO CHOOSE?
Then there’s a long boring montage of Chantal and St. Emily and Wombat all wandering around the streets of South Africa trying to look pensive while narrating their general feelings about the upcoming Rose Ceremony. In brief: scared, happy, confused.
The Producers fly Neil Lane to South Africa so that Wombat can choose one of his rings and assure Neil Lane that THIS TIME WOMBAT PROPOSE. Neil Lane kinda shrugs his shoulders and is like, “Alright?”
More montages, more feelings: scared, happy confused.
Wombat manages to put a shirt on before getting into a limo and driving … somewhere so as to dump one of the women. Chantal gets out of the first limo, and we all know what that means: WOMBAT THINK YOU AMAZING. WOMBAT NO WANT TO MARRY YOU. OK GOODBYE.
And with that, Wombat shoves her into the Spinstermobile where Chantal sobs that she is worried she’ll never find love. And is it the overwhelming grief that leads these women to repeat this pathetic cliché or are they reading a monitor in the Spinstermobile that just repeats the same tired script?
So now we know that St. Emily is the woman who managed to tame a Wombat. She arrives and Wombat stammers out what appears to be a genuine proposal. And while St. Emily accepts, she does so in a state of shock, she seems sort of stunned that she isn’t being rejected, in fact. If you watch, you can actually see the moment the doubt clouds her perfect face as the reality of what she has just done occurs to her.
OH BUT WE’RE NOT DONE. No, no, no. We’ve got another hour of this noise with the Wombat, et al. AFTER THE FINAL ROSE:
Chris Harrison brings out Chantal O. who cries and cries and cries some more. Wombat arrives and Chantal asks him pointedly when he knew it wasn’t going to be her. Wombat is all WOMBAT KNEW LONG TIME AGO. LONG, LONG TIME. This makes Chantal cry some more before it’s revealed that she’s actually dating someone new, and he’s “the one,” and she didn’t think she could ever love again, but then sure enough, she did two weeks later. Brave Story of Perseverance.
They shoo Chantal away so that Chris Harrison can grill Wombat alone for a while, and he reveals that the “After the Rose” special was supposed to be Wombat and St. Emily’s wedding, but, Nope. Wombat explains that THIS INTENSE SITUATION. ROLLER-COASTER. Chris Harrison asks if it’s true that they actually broke up and Womabt is all YES. BUT WE STRONGER NOW.
They shove St. Emily out onto the couch with Wombat (and I’m genuinely loving her new hair color now — so much less brassy!), where she goes on to say that she “really (does) love him” all the while her body language is yelling at Wombat “STOP PETTING ME. I’M NOT A DAMN CAT.” St. Emily assures the audience that they are still engaged, but they are not going to be getting married anytime soon, nor can she imagine herself living in Austin. OUCH. St. Emily blames it on the difficulty of having to watch Wombat with the other women, and his “poking the bear” temper (which, gross), and the outside world interfering and LONG STORY SHORT, LADY, Do you or do you not see yourself becoming Mrs. Wombat? And she just kinda shrugs.
Chris Harrison then drags the only successful Bachelor-related relationships out onto the stage, all three of them: Trista and Ryan, Jason and Molly and Alli and Roberto, and they all kinda smile wanly at Wombat and St. Emily because they know, just like you and I know, that this thing isn’t going to last past the contractually-obligated 6-week period.
And that’s it! Goodbye, Wombat! Goodbye, St. Emily! Goodbye, Villainess Michelle! I’ll miss you all! (Well, mostly just Villainess Michelle.)
As for the new Bachelorette, Ashley, I’d like to pretend that I’m not going to waste my time blogging that noise, but who are we kidding. See you on the other side, kittens!
This is going to be brief, but I IMPLORE YOU! Check back in! I am in PST and have not watched the episode yet, but I know who won. Peek after the jump. Or, you know, look at the picture above.
In any event, I’ll have a full recap of the nonsense later. You know, once I’ve actually seen it. CHECK BACK IN. PLEASE.
He chose St. Emily! This, despite the fact that Chantal looked an AWFUL LOT like DeAnna Pappas and That Other Lady he rejected that time, and despite the fact that St. Emily has “baggage” in the description of an adorable 5-year-old daughter. Well done, Wombat! We’re all proud of you! Sorta! Keep up with that therapee, though, please!
UPDATE COMING. STAY TUNED.
The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. And you should think seriously about getting some therapy.
This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.