Love, ‘The Bachelor’ style

The Bachelor
March 15, 2011

The final rose has been offered, the proposal accepted, and now a breathless nation waits to learn what will happen next. Will Brad Womack and Emily Maynard actually wed and live happily ever after? Or will they be just another disastrous relationship in a long tradition of disastrous Bachelor-related relationships? In the combined 20 seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette there only have been two marriages. And one of those marriages involved a Bachelor and a woman he originally rejected. Needless to say, the deck is stacked against Brad and Emily.

In any event, having watched some 11 episodes of Brad and Emily’s romantic journey this season, I’ve learned a few things about relationships:

1. The best way to get to know someone is to go on a date with them and perhaps nine other women. (Or, in the case of The Bachelorette, nine other men.) This is both a perfectly realistic dating experience and will allow you plenty of time to talk about the really important things in life. Also, be sure all 11 participants bring a bathing suit to the date. THIS IS CRUCIAL.

2. If you must go on a one-on-one date, the very best communication takes place over helicopter headsets. Relationship therapists often advise struggling couples to hop on a private helicopter, strap on some headsets and just talk their problems and issues away. Also, most-to-all dates should involve a helicopter, but that’s not news to anyone.

3. The concept of conquering one’s fears always should be taken literally. The best way to discover if you have a connection with someone is to subject them to their worst fear, be it swimming in the ocean with sharks, rappelling down the side of a high-rise, flying in a helicopter or driving a race car just after the sudden death of the race-car-driving love of that person’s life. After they’ve been sufficiently terrified, your potential new significant other will be jelly in your hands.

4. The best serious thinking is done on a balcony. Preferably shirtless.

5. Want to get that special someone’s attention? Try wearing vampire fangs or giving yourself a black eye! Even though both of these actions may seem like obvious warning signs that scream, “STAY AWAY! I’M VERY UNSTABLE!” you’d be surprised by their ability to allure.

6. Fact: Every woman’s biggest life ambition is to be photographed for the Sport’s Illustrated swimsuit issue.

7. The very best place to find your child’s new father is on a reality dating show, especially a dating show where you will be one of 30 women vying for the attention of one man. This not only sets a good example for your son or daughter about the mechanics of a functional relationship, but the experience is certain to give you a strong sense of security about the relationship as a whole, which is especially important for single mothers.

8. Are you well-known for your lack of commitment and follow-through, and worried no potential romantic interest will take you seriously? No problem. Just spend an inordinate amount of time talking about all of your recent therapy in the vaguest terms possible. Preferably shirtless.

Best of luck, Brad and Emily! You’re going to need it.

The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. And you should think seriously about getting some therapy.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site

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