‘The Bachelor’: Do you remember the time?

The Bachelor
“The Women Tell All”
March 7, 2011

Bust out your Greek chorus togas, white wine and claw-sharpeners, ladies, it’s time for the montageapalooza known as “The Ladies Tell All” special.

SO, LISTEN UP, CHUCKLEHEADS. Chris Harrison knows you were skeptical. Chris Harrison knows that when you heard Wombat was coming back to The Bachelor after years of therapy and wandering Town Lake shirtless, you were like, “Oh, yeah, that guy and his humongous meathead is looking for love again? Whatever. I refuse to open my heart up to him and his wombat harem. Forget it.” WELL PUT AWAY THAT CYNICAL SHELL, YOU CYNICS. Chris Harrison knows that you’ve invested 9 weeks of your life into this show, 9 weeks that you’ll never get back. And Chris Harrison knows that somewhere deep down inside you are actually hoping that this missing link proposes to someone, ANYONE, this time around. Because if he doesn’t, then what does it all mean? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE LAST 9 MONDAYS OF YOUR LIFE?

(*sob* Is that Cats in the Cradle playing in the background? I APOLOGIZE, MY CHILDREN.)

Before we get to the giant cat fight that we’re obviously all here for, Chris Harrison sits down with Wombat for the first of tonight’s many, many montages, and an interview.

Chris Harrison: Hey, remember when you met Chantal O. on the first night and she slapped you?

Wombat: WOMBAT REMEMBER THAT.

Chris Harrison: Hey, remember that Bad Clown Nightmare Carnival you and Not!Dr. Tube Socks went to?

Wombat: WOMBAT REMEMBER THAT.

Chris Harrison: Hey, remember that one Vampyr chick with the fangs?

Wombat: WOMBAT REMEMBER THAT.

Chris Harrison: Hey, remember how Shawntel works at a funeral home?

Wombat: WOMBAT REMEMBER THAT.

Chris Harrison: Hey, remember that time Michelle the Villainess had that black eye that one time?

Wombat: WOMBAT REMEMBER THAT.

That out of the way, Chris Harrison then begins lying about how he is always and forever running into former castmembers of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette just every day. Just walking through Safeway or Chevron suddenly there’s some former castmember totally up in Chris Harrison’s grill. True story. Also, fun fact: the castmembers, or “Bachelor Nation” as Chris Harrison is contractually obligated to refer to them, are “always” getting together for parties. Also known as CDC-enforced quarantines. “Quick, everyone! Quick ‘Tyler’ and ‘Ashleigh’ and ‘Cody’ and ‘Erica Rose!’ Quick, take off your shirts and let’s take a shower together! It’s Sexxxxy and Silkwoody! WOOOOO!”

And that’s all the promotion for upcoming grossfest, The Bachelor Pad that I’m going to participate in, because gross.

The ladies (or “girls” as Chris Harrison refers to them, making me slightly stabby) that will be joining us for this look back are:

  • Sarah P.
  • Lisa M.
  • Melissa
  • Alli and her ba-donk-a-donk
  • Britt (who?)
  • Marissa
  • Rachiel, who needs to lose that “I” already
  • Meghan
  • Stacey
  • Sad Ashley
  • Jackie
  • Not!Dr. Tube Socks
  • Michelle the Villainess
  • Madison the Vampyr
  • Shawntel N.

Chris Harrison asks the ladies some softball questions about their first impressions of the Wombat and they all titter and giggle and I can’t believe I just used the word “titter” but there you go, LOOK IT UP. It’s a real word. Chris Harrison notes the tension between the women this season and how quickly it all went bananas mostly to set up the next montage sequence, in which we are reminded that:

  1. Melissa is a nutter.
  2. Madison has fangs for some reason.
  3. Michelle the Villainess is mean.

Noted.

Lisa M., whom I barely remember at all, immediately leaps in to defend Michelle the Villainess, claiming that she is merely “sarcastic” and that the other women don’t understand her. WHAT THE WHAT? You mustn’t look directly into Kaa’s eyes, Lisa M.!

However, Riki Tiki Tavi (totally mixing up my allusions, I KNOW, shut up), i.e. Stacey, comes out shrieking about how Michelle the Villainess behaved one way in the house but was REALLY REALLY MEAN in the interviews. Marissa joins in, whinging about how she didn’t appreciate Michelle the Villainess calling them all “little girls” (AHEM, Harrison), and that’s when Jackie joins in the Chorus, calling Michelle the Villainess “creepy” and “like a spider.”

Michelle the Villainess begins sobbing about how she was here for the “right” reasons, and she left her daughter and SHE WAS HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS! DAUGHTER! LEFT HER! RIGHT REASONS! DAUGHTER DAUGHTER DAUGHTER! Did you hear she HAD A DAUGHTER? AND SO OBVIOUSLY THE BEST THING FOR SAID DAUGHTER WAS FOR HER MOTHER TO LEAVE HER FOR SEVERAL WEEKS TO GO ON EXOTIC VACATIONS WITH A STRANGER. COME ON. DUH.

Not!Dr. Tube Socks and Madison the Vampyr attempt to stand up for Michelle the Villainess with the “well, she never claimed she wanted to be your friend” defense. Which, wow! Expertly delivered backhanded compliment, ladies! Well played!

Chris Harrison decides it’s time to pick on a different crazy: Melissa. Remember her? Yeah, me neither. But according to the montage sequence: Melissa be crazy. Melissa be old. Melissa be crazy. Additionally, Melissa and Rachiel with the unnecessary “I” in her name hate each other. They proceed to scream at one another for five minutes until Melissa apologizes to Rachiel with the unnecessary “I” in her name for being mean to her, and Rachiel with the unnecessary “I” in her name apologizes for having known Melissa. The end.

Chris Harrison then takes a deep breath and invites Michelle the Villainess over to the “hot-and-hopefully-disinfected-during-the-commercial-breaks” seat, where, after her obligatory montage, she cries some more about how she’s misunderstood and sarcastic and misunderstood and SHE DID IT FOR HER DAUGGGGGHHHHHTTTTERRRR!!!! And the other ladies are all, Oh whatever, you. At some point, one of the Greek Chorus (Rachiel with the unnecessary “I”? Meghan? Stacey? WHO KNOWS/CARES.) basically calls Michelle the Villainess a terrible, terrible mother, which makes her cry even harder, and OH NOES! CHRIS HARRISON HAS LOOKED INTO KAA’S TEAR-FILLED EYES!! NO, CHRIS HARRISON, NO!!! LOOK AWAY!

Too late. Chris Harrison tells the other women to back off, and gives Michelle the Villainess a commercial break to pull herself together. One of the Greek Chorus mutters under her breath that this is stupid, and, just, word, whoever said that. Word.

Having had a few minutes to compose herself and give herself a black eye, Michelle the Villainess attacks whomever it was that called her a bad mother (Stacey? Was it Stacey? Honestly, I just could not care less.). Hilariously, Stacey (or whomever) attempts to back pedal, arguing that she never said that Michelle the Villainess was a bad mother, specifically, she just said that in the completely hypothetical situation that someone did the things that Michelle the Villainess did as a mother, those completely imagined actions would make that completely imagined person a bad mother. You win this round, Atticus Finch.

Chris Harrison talks about how hot Michelle the Villainess is for a little while (see above: Kaa eyes) and how Wombat never seemed to mind her sexual aggressiveness. Michelle the Villainess then goes on to attempt to acquit herself by saying that she hopes that Wombat ends up with St. Emily. She and St. Emily are so opposite! But upon watching the show, Michelle the Villainess sees St. Emily and Wombat are right for one another. And, no lie, at some point during this journey that you and I have been on with Wombat, I wrote a long diatribe about the Apollonian/Dionysian dichotomy as it applied to the St. Emily/Michelle the Villainess story that the Producers had shaped via crafty editing. But then I put down my glass of red wine, had another good cry about the end of Lost and deleted the whole thing. This is an actual fact.

Hey! Sad Ashley! Come join Chris Harrison in the “hot, probably contagious” seat! And, not kidding, Sad Ashley begins crying before the montage even begins. Crying crying crying, and long story short, her feelings were hurt when Wombat said that she wouldn’t make a good wife for him. Not that she wouldn’t be a good wife to someone, not that she would be a terrible wife to any of the billions and billions of men that there are in this world of ours, just that she wouldn’t make a good Mrs. Wombat. *SOB*

Alright, Not!Dr. Tube Socks! Bring yourself and those newly brunette locks over to Chris Harrison for a little quality time! Not!Dr. Tube Socks basically explains that her insecurity got the best of her and she has regrets. She earns a couple of points from your trusty, heartless blogger when, asked by Chris Harrison what she would like to say to Wombat when he comes out in the next segment, Not!Dr. Tube Socks answers “I LOVE HIM. NO! HAHAHAHAHA! THAT’S JUST A JOKE!” And for a moment, your blogger saw a glimmer of something strong and intelligent and funny in Not!Dr. Tube Socks. But, just as quickly, that moment is gone and she’s busy talking about regrets with tear-filled eyes again. Ugh.

Finally, Wombat comes to the stage. The Chorus smiles tightly, perfectly aware that Wombat can’t remember most of their names, and that there is only another half hour or so to get through before they can retreat to their giant glasses of white wine and resentment at the “Bachelor Nation/CDC Antibiotic” party backstage. Sad Ashley is already crying and demanding answers and Wombat is all WOMBAT LIKE OTHER LADIES MORE THAN SAD LADY. As for Michelle the Villainess? WOMBAT THINK MICHELLE THE VILLAINESS FUNNY. HA HA HA HA.

Not!Dr. Tube Socks, for reasons that are completely unclear begins apologizing to Wombat for him dumping her. Oh, Not!Dr. Tube Socks. Stop. Please. Please stop. DO NOT APOLOGIZE TO THE TALKING ABS FOR BEING DUMPED BY HIM. I just … NO.

And I could have sworn on a stack of wombats that in the promos for this episode, Wombat confesses to Not!Dr. Tube Socks: I SABOTAGE OUR DATE IN SOUTH AFRICA, and yet, I didn’t see that happen in the episode? Did this happen? Because I’ll admit, I might have been sleeping a little during those montage sequences. Did this happen? Anyone?

Guess what: Chris Harrison, Wombat and the Producers gave a preschool in South Africa a hot water heater. Now how do you feel about making fun of this super dumb/misogynistic/soul-deadening show, you cynical jerk? Not so great, right?

And then we end with some wacky bloopers and some final montages about Chantal and St. Emily and how awesome they are and I fall asleep again. BUT WAIT. DID I HEAR THAT NEXT WEEK’S EPISODE IS GOING TO BE THREE HOURS LONG? I’m going to need all the alcohol.

The Bachelor airs on Mondays at 7 p.m. on ABC. And you should think seriously about getting some therapy.

This post originally appeared on the Hearst site Chron.com.

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