‘Bachelor in Paradise’: Is this a dagger which I see before me?

by Therese Odell, posted in bachelor in paradise: season 10

Bachelor in Paradise
August 25, 2025

As we begin, Hannah Brown invites the women for a little chat — well, the four women who appear to be in relationships. STAY OUT OF IT, REGINA GEORGE AND FRODO.

Hannah Brown takes the temperature of their relationships, as this whole thing is about to end in a few days.

Julia Roberts: The One is great but I AM NOT getting engaged.

Llama Drama: Accent Guy and I are BFFs!

Selfie: I don’t know how I ended up with Overcompensating or why I’m still with him. It’s as baffling to me as it is to the rest of you.

Starla: I’m obviously in the best, healthiest, and most natural relationship on this show and the most likely to not just get engaged but actually get and stay married, so I’m going to talk about being “anxious” for dramatic tension.

That bit of business out of the way, Jesse Palmer then arrives, tells everyone to go get their fancy on and then head down to the beach for a romantic dinner.

But everyone is pretty sure they are deserving of a meal of lobster and champagne with no strings attached after having survived three weeks of living at a resort hotel and doing fuckall for 19 hours a day, and they don’t question a thing.

And for a while, it is just a lovely dinner interrupted only by Julia Roberts and her bug phobia.

But then Jesse Palmer returns and is like, “Hope you liked your steaks, suckers, because y’all are spending the night in tents out in the jungle.” Jesse Palmer claims they will be outfitted with everything they need for a night of glamping, and that this is in lieu of the more traditional overnight dates which involved hotel suites, fruit platters, and hot tubs. YOU’RE BEING ROBBED, SEASON 10.

But the couples trudge out to “the jungle” (a clearing on the side of the resort) where they find a crate of supplies. Which, great!

Except. The tent poles are missing pieces; the tools are comically small; there’s horse shit nearby; one of the two chairs they are outfitted with is deliberately broken; the water jugs are superglued shut; the air mattress is filled with holes; their matches are wet. They’ve been sabotaged!

So they are forced to assemble the campsites despite all these obstacles that might make the most even-tempered person lose their everlasting shit. And it genuinely is one of the funniest and most diabolical things this show has ever done. I am here for it.

What the Bachelorinos don’t know is that the entire time they are out there in the bugs and the humidity and the bugs, they are being observed by a relationship expert who is taking copious notes on their behavior.

And honestly? They all hold it together pretty well. Sure, Julia Roberts has a panic attack, but she was always going to have a panic attack. Selfie isn’t down for the whole camping thing, and Regina George would rather hang out with the bottle of wine that was provided than help Clark Griswold. But for the most part? Everyone seems to be having fun in the midst of the chaos.

Llama Drama and Accent Guy pretend to have their “last makeout of their lives,” which to Accent Guy means, “SHOVE MY TONGUE IN HER FACE IMMEDIATELY.” Llama Drama is disappointment.

Overcompensating notes in an interview that he thinks Selfie is in love with him and that he “can see [himself] getting there.”

Julia Roberts runs around in a panic until The One makes her sit down.

Frodo and Cheeky Mummy discuss what they want in a relationship (not each other).

Clark Griswold laments that he should be on a camping trip with his daughters that weekend, and is bummed to be away from them. Regina George tells him that he’s a very sweet man, and he returns the compliment, calling her beautiful, and assuring her that there is love out there for both of them.

Golden Retriever and Starla are in love and perfect.

And that’s when the bug hissing noises grow into a terrifying din, and Selfie, Julia Roberts, and Frodo lose their damn minds. Jesse Palmer arrives and is like, “Yeah, we’re not going to make you sleep out here on deflated air mattresses, go back to your hotel rooms, bye.”

Day 18 of Paradise

The next morning, Jesse Palmer explains to the couples that they weren’t just being forced to set up defective camps for shits and giggles: they were being observed by a professional. He then brings out the relationship therapist, and explains that she was watching them both through dinner and the camping interlude, and she has some thoughts.

The contestants are shocked! SHOCKED! they were being watched the entire time, and the producers are like …

As for Dr. Relationship Expert’s evaluations:

Clark Griswold and Regina George had great communication and cooperation and took the challenges in stride, but this is a place to find love, and there’s clearly no romantic connection there.

Similarly, Frodo and Cheeky Mummy worked efficiently and supported each other, but she did not sense any chemistry. Though, she adds, she thinks Frodo would be all about it if Cheeky Mummy were interested.

He’s not.

Accent Guy and Llama Drama shared a ton of laughter and seemed aligned, but that kiss was … weird.

Selfie and Overcompensating have a lot of chemistry, but they don’t have the same hobbies. Overcompensating clearly enjoys camping, but Selfie seems more like a Ritz-Carlton kinda girl, and hence she declares them “not aligned.”

The One and Julia Roberts overcame their biggest challenge: Julia Roberts.

And finally, Golden Retriever and Starla were connected and have great chemistry, but, she wonders, if they would be as successful in a less controlled environment.

Jesse Palmer then returns and announces that Dr. Relationship Expert has chosen one couple as the winners of this relationship challenge. They win a date and immunity at the Rose Ceremony. And that couple, this so-called Doctor announces, is Julia Roberts and The One.

SO I HAVE A FEW BONES TO PICK.

First of all, I, of all people, do not want to be out here defending Overcompensating and Selfie, because eww and no. BUT THE THING IS: I am not a camper. I am, and always have been deep to my core, a hotel girlie. Judge me if you will, but I prefer indoor plumbing, an actual bed, and to avoid bugs as much as possible. That’s just how I roll. I am married to, and have been for 26 years now, a camper. My husband LOVES camping and for the past 26 years has invited me along on every camping trip he has taken with our children. I politely decline, and he politely accepts my decline, and it works just fine! We have plenty of other things we enjoy together, and me not camping with him has not led to divorce.

And then there’s the whole choosing The One and Julia Roberts over the obvious winners, Golden Retriever and Starla?

Her reasoning seems to be that Golden Retriever and Starla got along too well in this challenge and that because this is a “controlled environment,” it doesn’t reflect how well they would do in real-life challenges.

OK, BUT THEN WHAT’S THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS? Of course this is a controlled environment! IT’S A REALITY SHOW. But if the challenges don’t reflect the dynamics of their relationship, then what is the point of the challenges?

And I get it: Julia Roberts had a meltdown, and The One handled it without losing his cool, and that makes for more interesting television than two people who face adversity together with harmony.

BUT THAT WASN’T THE TEST, NOW WAS IT?

Anyway. The point is, the whole thing was rigged in Julia Roberts and The One’s favor, and you’ll never convince me otherwise.

As for their big prize: they sit on the beach with a fruit tray.

Back in Paradise, everyone is having boring conversations about their relationships.

Golden Retriever and Starla’s timelines aren’t exactly lining up: he’s ready to move in together and start making babies. She’s … not.

Accent Guy tells Llama Drama that he feels a ton of chemistry with her.

Selfie assures Overcompensating that she would go to Peru with him … as long as they stayed in a hotel.

IT IS SO BORING.

That evening, as the couples come down for the cocktail party, All-4-Wells asks them about the challenge, and they explain that Dr. Relationship Expert told Accent Guy and Llama Drama that they didn’t have chemistry; that Overcompensating and Selfie weren’t aligned; and that Frodo and Cheeky Mummy were just friends, and All-4-Wells is like, “Well, I mean, yeah.”

But when they reveal that Julia Roberts and The One won the challenge, All-4-Wells had a one-word response:

And then there’s a kissing montage and Starla wrings her hands about her relationship with Golden Retriever, and Accent Guy and Llama Drama tell each other that they love one another.

Great.

2 Hours Until the Vote

The consensus is they are going to vote out one of the two platonic couples, either Frodo and Cheeky Mummy, or Goldens Clark Griswold and Regina George. And unexpectedly, they receive an assist from one of the couples: Clark Griswold is ready to go home. Clark Griswold misses his daughters and camping with them, and so he informs Regina George that he intends to tell the kids to vote them off. Regina George, who still has her eyes on that half a million dollar prize, is like, “The fuck you will.”

So Regina George starts telling people that, regardless of what Clark Griswold might say about wanting to go home, he’s just kidding, hahaha, you know what a jokester Clark Griswold is, please don’t vote for them to go home.

Meanwhile, Clark Griswold sits Selfie, Llama Drama, and Starla down, and explains that he’s ready to go home now, please. But the women, they plead with him to stay, telling him that he’s like a father figure to them, and he makes them feel “safe.” Clark Griswold is moved by this, and begins to second-guess voting himself out of Paradise.

And it’s a very sweet exchange between the women and Girl Dad Griswold! No question. Buuuuuuuuut, an alternative explanation is that they want to keep Clark Griswold and Regina George in Paradise for the final challenges because they are less of a threat of winning them than Frodo and Cheeky Mummy. But far be it for me to ascribe such selfish motivations to these women.

Line up for the Rose Ceremony, los bobos.

The One: Julia Roberts
Accent Guy: Llama Drama
Golden Retriever: Starla
Overcompensating: Selfie

But then, TWIST! We have a tie vote. And because The One won the last challenge, he has the power to decide who receives the final rose. The One is like, “as if this is even a difficult choice: between the nice old guy and the dude who kept trying to steal my lady friend the entire time we were in Paradise?”

Clark Griswold: Regina George

This means we’re putting Cheeky Mummy and Frodo into the Vete a Casa Ahora Van, weeks after they probably should have gone home.

Don’t cry that it’s over, marvel that it lasted so long.

Day 19 of Paradise

The next morning, All-4-Wells gives the group a riddle attached to a dagger, and sends everyone to the beach. There, they find they each have an effigy, and there are a whole bunch of daggers in the sand.

Jesse Palmer then explains that they will be revealing what they really think of one another in this relationship challenge. He’s going to ask a series of very pointed questions about a person’s character, and they will be tasked with putting a dagger into the back of the effigy they believe it applies to the best. The couple with the fewest daggers wins, and the Rose Ceremony will be tonight.

The questions include:

  • “Whose childish antics are most likely to turn a partner off?” (Accent Guy wins that one.)
  • “Whose trust issues will eventually sour the relationship?” (Julia Roberts)
  • “Who has the biggest codependency issues?” (Golden Retriever)
  • “Who is most likely talking to an ex, or has an eye for someone else?” (Overcompensating, uh duh)
  • “Who is keeping the most secrets or something big from their partner?” (Accent Guy and Llama Drama)
  • “Who is more motivated by money than love at this point?” (Overcompensating — which is funny because Clark Griswold and Regina George are right there)
  • “Who is most likely to cheat?” (Overcompensating)
  • “Who doesn’t deserve to still be here?” (Clark Griswold EVEN THOUGH Y’ALL VOTED TO KEEP HIM. Make it make sense.)

Jesse sends everyone inside, promising to reveal the winners that evening ahead of the Rose Ceremony.

That night, the scheming begins. The four young couples have divided themselves into two “teams”: Golden Retriever and Starla have paired with The One and Julia Roberts; Accent Guy and Llama Drama are siding with Overcompensating and Selfie. This means the Goldens will ultimately have the deciding vote for who should receive the rose, and they know it.

But before all that, Jesse Palmer arrives to deliver some news:

  1. Accent Guy and Llama Drama won the backstabbing challenge
  2. This is the last Rose Ceremony and
  3. TWO couples will be going home tonight.

STAY TUNED FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION.

Or, you know, don’t. We’ll see when I get around to it.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

Leave a Reply