‘The Golden Bachelorette’: The most lovable Tell All Special of all time

by Therese Odell, posted in the golden bachelorette, the golden bachelorette: season 1

The Golden Bachelorette
November 6, 2024

Welcome to the first ever Golden Bachelorette “The Men Tell All Special,” in which 15 of the sweetest grandpas reunite to talk about their experience on the show — “dating” Joan, and, more importantly, making their first adult friends in decades.

Of the 24 original contestants, we have 15 joining us tonight: Willy Wonka; Dr. Bob; Mystery Gregg; Prune Juice; Captain Kim; Plant Man; Verklempt Dan; Chef Jack; Pickleball; Party Gary; Clark Griswold; Eyes Wide Shut; Frenchie; Kelsey’s Dad; and, of course, Charles in Charge.

Additionally, the show has brought their children to help fill up the audience, which is just a brilliant choice, one they should have done with the Golden Bachelor “Women Tell All” special.

After the quick montage of the men’s early experiences on the show: Frenchie making Mystery Gregg do his laundry; the whole snoring debacle; the Chippendale’s date; the kickball date; the men becoming emotional over their new friendships, Jesse Palmer begins with the questions, asking Frenchie if Mystery Gregg’s snoring really was as bad as all that. Frenchie insists it was, the wood was vibrating, the entire bed was shaking. That said, because Mystery Gregg was doing his laundry for him, Frenchie claims he had to be gentle in how he approached the topic. Such delicacy was never shown on the show, but in Frenchie’s own mind, he’s apparently the Roi du Tact.

As for Mystery Gregg, he laughs about the whole snoring thing, but adds that the upside is that he is getting his sleep apnea taken care of, thanks to being made aware of it on the show.

Jesse Palmer notes that the kickball game brought out the competitive side of the men. Captain Kim reveals that during the game, he separated his shoulder and received a bone bruise on his leg, but that he was determined to give his best so that his teammates could have a little time with Joan.

First of all: Sir, this is a reality show, and you owe these people nothing. But second of all: HEY, ABC LEGAL? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? I am sure waivers were signed and releases were given, but MAYBE DON’T MAKE THE SEXAGENARIANS PLAY SPORTS ON YOUR LITTLE TV SHOW.

(Note to self: how did I miss “sexagenarian” all damn season? Just writing itself over here.)

Jesse Palmer notes that Charles in Charge scored the winning RBI, despite never having played the game before. And Charles in Charge wisely explains that sometimes no experience is the best experience. Also, he’s clearly the fittest among the men.

As for the Chippendale’s Date, Eyes Wide Shut swears he’s never stripped — professionally — before. One of Clark Griswold’s daughters reveals that while it was entertaining to watch their father gyrate on national television, it was also “uncomfortable.” ORLY? WHY? She adds that she was happy he was being his authentic self and that he kept his shirt on. SMALL MERCIES.

Jesse Palmer reminds people that the Chippendale’s date was raising money for Stand Up to Cancer, because the Golden Bachelorette contestants aren’t Bachelorette contestants — they have dignity and aren’t going to just demean themselves on television because some producer bullies them into doing so. We turn to Plant Dad who reveals he was diagnosed with cancer shortly before joining the show, but he’s doing OK now. Oh, and ABC is matching the donation to Stand Up to Cancer, so that’s the least they could do after making these men hip thrust and body roll on national television nice.

Then Mystery Gregg, Verklempt Dan, and Party Gary talk about how much the experience meant to them and how grateful they are to have made friends on the show. This is followed by several more minutes of repetitive footage of Charles in Charge and Chef Jack exploring the McMansion that did not make it into the show. It was for the best.

We also relive “Burgergate” — the time when Chef Jack and Prune Juice disagreed on the proper cooking of hamburgers. Prune Juice was smearing patties on the grill with barbecue sauce; Chef Jack said that was disgusting and wrong. Team Chef Jack. They then bring a bunch of hamburgers out to the audience for some reason.

We then begin the “hot seat” portion of the special with Eyes Wide Shut. After watching his montage of being crowned prom king and being “seen” by Joan, Eyes Wide Shut is in tears, talking about how Joan “validated” him. And that’s nice and all.

But then Eyes Wide Shut then tells a true love story: when Kelsey’s Dad was eliminated, he left a pair of Post-It notes with a message for Eyes Wide Shut in his coffee cup. The first read: “Eyes Wide Shut: Just in case I don’t get to stay, I wanted to tell you I am humbled to have met you and how much I have enjoyed our time shared here. Place this sticky note on your mirror to remind yourself that you are a fantastic human being.”

The second Post-It then reads: “I am STRONG. I am INTERESTING. I am HANDSOME. I am DESERVING. I am ENOUGH.”

YOU MEN DID NOT MAKE ME CRY. YOU DID NOT.


Kelsey’s Dad is next in the “hot seat” where he admits it was an emotional journey and that it was easy to relate to Joan as they had both lost their spouses. They also talk about the hummingbird that Kelsey’s Dad took as a message from Dead Wife and how Frenchie and Pickleball were there for him at that moment.

Joey the Bachelor then joins in — without Kelsey, for some reason, and which is never explained — telling his “future Father-in-Law” that they are very proud of him.

Charles in Charge is next to take the couch. Jesse Palmer asks how it feels to be a “pop culture icon” and Charles in Charge, who is sporting a whole head of freshly dyed hair, admits that this is all very surprising and thrilling. Jesse Palmer cheekily notes that there’s something “different” about him, and Charles in Charge claims that the darker hair is just due to a change in his diet.

After the montage, Charles in Charge talks about how it was his daughter who encouraged him to be on the show, but that he still had many doubts. He didn’t even know who Jesse Palmer was, much less ever been on TV before. Charles in Charge acknowledges his friendships not just with the men, but with Joan, too, and suggests that he might be ready to date again. He was so worried about what his relatives might think about moving on after his wife died, but was pleasantly surprised by the love and support he received from everyone in his community, so that worry is gone, and he hopes to meet someone special one day.

At this point, a plant woman stands up in the audience and declares that Bachelor Nation wants Charles in Charge to be the next Golden Bachelor. But if it doesn’t work out, she adds, her mom is single.

We then have some footage of Frenchie giving some of the men in the McMansion moisturizing masks and walking them through some meditations using Joan’s name. It is not nearly as funny as the producers seem to think it is.

We then have a long montage of Captain Kim fixing a dishwasher?

But I will say, this facial mask clip combined with the dishwasher package — that time could have been spent doing another interview with one of the contestants. And what I’m saying is, this goes to show you just how boring Pickleball must be that they didn’t bring him — one of the four guys to make it to the Dreaded Hometowns — up to the couch.

After the dishwasher montage, Jesse Palmer tells the audience that the show believed that Captain Kim’s song, “The Mansion Men,” deserved better than his McMansion mates treated it. To that end, they bring in the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles to sing the song in its entirety. Captain Kim is DELIGHTED — it’s very sweet to see how happy he is — and he declares the entire production “so cool.”

Frenchie is the last man to join Jesse Palmer on the couch, and after the montage, he concedes that it is very emotional to watch him dump Joan all over again. He pulls out a Bachelor classic: maybe if they had more time, he could have “gotten there.”

Frenchie then goes on about his difficult childhood, and how his parents didn’t love him and how he has learned to be guarded and protect his heart and blah blah blah. At some point, his son stands up in the audience and tells his father that seeing him be vulnerable on the show helped him realize that he, too, can be more open with his feelings.

OK, but when was Frenchie ever vulnerable? The entire point was that he was struggling to make himself vulnerable to Joan, and incapable of opening himself up to a connection with her. What show did his son watch?

Finally, Joan comes out in a VERY plunging dress …

GO OFF, MOMMA

Jesse Palmer asks her about the first night and she talks about how much empathy she had for the men and how nervous they must have felt. She adds that the kickball date really touched her, in how invested the men were in the game, and made her realize she needed to show more of herself to them. The dress she is wearing tonight obliges.

With that Jesse Palmer opens it up to the men:

Party Gary notes that he’s happy to see that Joan’s mother Mary is in the audience, especially after that prayer he wrote for her.

MARY!

Dr. Bob thanks Joan for giving him a platform on which he could share how much he loves his queer kids, and notes that the Wayward Lesbians of Marina Del Rey are looking forward to an epic Thanksgiving.

Charles in Charge tells Joan that he misses her, and that he will think of their great memories in the days to come. In return, Joan notes that she had never met someone like Charles in Charge before, that he has such a pure heart, and that she’s lucky that she got to meet him. Joan adds that the comment he made about prom being the happiest he had been since his wife died was her favorite moment, and insists that they exchange phone numbers because she wants to stay in touch.

Eyes Wide Shut thanks Joan for the opportunity she gave him and then adds that he’s met someone recently and is very happy.

WAIT, WHAT? SO MUCH FOR GOLDEN PARADISE, I GUESS.

Frenchie is last and he hopes that by his leaving, she was able to find the right person. Joan notes that she loved going to his Dreaded Hometown and meeting his family, and she really could envision a life with him. She adds that she knew the bonding ceremony made him uncomfortable, but really hoped that they would be able to talk about it during the Fantasy Suites, but! mon dieu! he’d already made up his mind. Joan notes that he was kind to her and that she wants him to be happy. In fact, Joan wants to be friends and keep communication open with him.

Joan adds that she misses all of the men, and hopes that she can be friends with all of them. And I could be wrong, but that might be the first time that I’ve heard someone say that on one of these shows? If not, it’s the first time I actually believed it.

In any event, Jesse Palmer notes that Joan is the embodiment of “class, elegance, and grace” before cutting to some wacky bloopers and sneak preview of the finale.

And that’s where I’m headed right now. WE ARE GOING TO GET JOAN ENGAGED UP IN HERE, AS GOD IS MY WITNESS.

Here are the men who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joan:

The Golden Bachelorette streams on Hulu.

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