‘The Golden Bachelorette’: Stripping it all away

by Therese Odell, posted in the golden bachelorette, the golden bachelorette: season 1

The Golden Bachelorette
October 9, 2024

This week’s foreshadowing has Joan hugging it looks like Chock Full o’ Soup, and telling him that she’s sorry. If I had to hazard a guess, it would be that we’ll be saying goodbye to the guy whose 90-something-old mother has Stage 4 cancer and probably shouldn’t be galavanting around in Southern California as if he doesn’t have a care in the world?

After doing some tai chi with Charles in Charge, the men sit inside the McMANsion, awaiting the first date card of the week: “Eyes Wide Shut; Frenchie; Verklempt Dan; Charles in Charge; Party Gary; Kelsey’s Dad; Restraining Order Gil; Chock Full o’ Soup; Clark Griswold: Let’s bear it all for love. Love, Joan.”

Which means, to no one’s actual surprise, Pickleball and Dr. Guy will receive the two one-on-one dates this week.

The group date men are loaded into a van where they wonder what they’ll be doing on this date, “The card said, ‘bear it all for love’ … it could be bear wrestling,” suggests one sweet man. Yes, ABC’s lawyers are definitely going to allow a bunch of AARP members to wrestle bears on national television, that just makes sense.

The men arrive at a theater where Joan and Kaitlyn Bristowe are waiting for them, along with the men of the Chippendales dancers who proceed to do a bunch of body rolls and hip thrusts as the grandpas watch in embarrassment and horror.

Joan then explains to the horrified group that after a brief tutorial with the Chippendales guys, they will be performing a striptease in front of an audience of feral women. Joan goes on to say the performance will be raising money for Stand Up to Cancer, an organization near and dear to her heart, SO THEY CAN’T REFUSE.

But also, didn’t we just do this like … a month ago?

The men learn their dance moves:

And they pick out their costumes:

And they get ready for the big performance.

That evening, the men come out as a group, and awkwardly move through a few choreographed body rolls, before individually making their way down a catwalk for a little improv.

Eyes Wide Shut is first and sets an unrealistic expectation, as this man is very comfortable and everyone is convinced he has done this before, tearing away his pants to reveal golden panties.

Frenchie is next and despite being in pretty good shape for his age, his cœur doesn’t seem to be entirely into it.

Kaitlyn is taken with Fireman Kelsey’s Dad who she refers to as a DILF.

Clark Griswold, who earlier admitted that he always wanted to be a Chippendale’s dancer comes out as a construction worker and is WAY too into it.

Party Gary comes out as the “Nutty Professor” and enthusiastically tears open his shirt and jacket.

Verklempt Dan is a sexy pirate … I think.

Charles in Charge is a tourist? Maybe? He tears open his shirt, too, and performs better than anyone anticipated.

And Chock Full o’ Soup comes out in the traditional Chippendales tuxedo to perform what he calls his “booty moves” which involves him waggling his ass in people’s faces. It’s uncomfortable for everyone involved.

But! They raised money for Stand Up to Cancer, which is clearly how they convinced Joan to be a part of any of this, and everyone is returned to their pants.

That evening, Joan toasts the men for doing something so embarrassing and raising money for a good cause, noting that she learned her husband had cancer on Valentine’s Day.

Joan chats with Chock Full o’ Soup first, where they talk about their mothers: hers is doing much better, his has STAGE FOUR CANCER. They then discuss how much they missed one another, and how while he doesn’t like having to share her with 10 other guys, he’s enjoying this process of getting to know her.

Clark Griswold tells Joan that he always wanted to be a Chippendales dancer, before demonstrating his enthusiasm by dancing for her again.

Eyes Wide Shut presents his golden panties to Joan, because this is definitely a date you want a souvenir from.

Party Gary and Joan call his son to tell him about being a Chippendales dancer. His son finds this to be hilarious, and that’s great, but I’m going to need someone to clarify the phone rules for me. I thought they couldn’t talk to anyone while filming? And yet, Party Gary’s here calling his son, and Charles in Charge called his daughter during the prom date? What gives?

Joan opens up to Kelsey’s Dad about how John is still in her heart and she notes that his wife, who also died from cancer (I believe) will always be in his. They discuss the struggle to date after losing their spouses and how both their spouses encouraged them to find love again.

And she gives the date rose to Chock Full o’ Soup because he’s “someone [she] can see a future with.”

EXCEPT!

The inevitable that everyone except Chock Full o’ Soup saw coming happens: Mom passes away. Chock Full o’ Soup tells the other men that he’s headed home to help take care of things. There is much old man crying.

Joan arrives ahead of her date with Pickleball, only to be intercepted by Chock Full o’ Soup who breaks the news. He’s feeling guilty for not having been there with her when she passed, and Joan tells him the story of not being in the room with her husband when he passed away. Chock Full o’ Soup explains that he is going to go home to check on his family, and Joan encourages him to honor his mother. As he drives away, Joan says her heart is breaking for him.

But Joan still has a date to go on, so she puts on a happy face and goes inside to collect Pickleball for their ice skating date. Pickleball, like your trusty blogger, has no idea how to ice skate, and manages to take a solid fall two seconds after putting on his skates. WHY ARE WE TRYING TO BREAK THESE MEN, ABC?

Fortunately for everyone’s safety, they quickly remove the skates, and take a seat where over a glass of wine they discuss Pickleball’s divorce which he attributes to “serious breaches of marital trust.”

In a talking head, Pickleball sure makes it sound like the breaches were on his wife’s part, but everything is so vague that who even knows. The point is, he tried to hold things together for a while for the kids and did what he could to make things better for them. Again, it’s pretty vague.

With that, a screen pulls away to reveal two of the REO Speedwagon guys singing an unplugged version of “Can’t Fight This Feeling” and your blogger is forced to face the embarrassing fact that REO Speedwagon’s Wheels Are Turnin’ was the first album she bought with her own money. She’s not proud of this fact.

 

 
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As Joan and Pickleball sing along, sorta, she offers Pickleball the date rose.

The next day is Dr. Guy’s date, and Joan has him meet her at the Malibu Airbnb the producers have set her up in, at least for this date. Joan, who loves to cook, intends to have him help her prepare dinner: a baked lemon ziti. The problem is, this ER doctor, he has literally no idea how to zest a lemon.

At some point, Joan puts him on onion dicing duty, which he also manages to butcher. And honestly, that’s all it would take for me to send him packing. LEARN HOW TO DICE, MEN.

Over dinner, Dr. Guy opens up about the end of his marriage, explaining that it fell apart once they became empty nesters. After the kids were gone, they realized they really didn’t communicate, and they had spent 30 years trying to not hurt each other’s feelings.

They tried marriage counseling, but his wife announced she was done and he ended up withdrawing from family and friends for a while. For some reason, he leaves out the part where he ALLEGEDLY threatened his ex-wife while hopped up on sleeping meds and his ex-wife took out a temporary restraining order on him. Weird.*

Anyway, he feels good again and a large part of that is somehow because of Joan. She offers him the date rose; he yells about “dopamine exploding out of [his] ears.”

Oh, and at some point, Kelsey’s Dad calls Kelsey and Joey to tell them what a great time he’s having and that it’s “better than therapy.”

No sir, no it is not. Get thee to therapy.

It’s Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party time, and Joan is starting to stress, especially since Chock Full o’ Soup left. What if, as she did, he’s using it as an excuse to get away from a situation he knows he doesn’t want to be in anymore? he doesn’t come back?

At the cocktail party, she tells the men that her mother is doing much better, but that her illness reminded her of how much they have all given up to be there with her, and how much she appreciates it.

Joan chats with Frenchie where she tells him she was concerned that he’s not that interested in her judging by the way he pulled back during the group date. He insists he just doesn’t want to be too aggressive. OK.

Cheerios paid the producers to make Eyes Wide Shut make Joan eat a bowl of Cheerios with him for some dumb reason. They frame it as talking about their morning routines, but let’s get real.

Kelsey’s Dad gives her a fire truck to remind her of his strip tease.

Clark Griswold sets up a “picnic” to remind her of the first night when he received the First Impression Rose. But once he gets her alone, he yammers incoherently about how it’s “exciting to think of how many things [they] have in common and what those common things could be if there’s more time which would be hopeful and it’s about what that means long term … ”

After, Clark Griswold acknowledges he shat the bed.

And then Chock Full o’ Soup, to no one’s surprise, returns. Joan is thrilled and it’s clear that this man is her first choice. She tells him that she can’t express how happy she is he’s returned; he talks about how he can’t keep his hands off of her.

Sir.

He asks her about a ring she’s wearing, and Joan admits that it is a ring her husband gave her, that took her a long time to move over to her other non-wedding ring hand (I assume it’s an engagement ring? wedding ring? but she doesn’t say so specifically).

Chock Full o’ Soup talks about how he’s put armor up his whole life and that he recognizes it’s time to let that down. Joan sympathizes, noting that she is also afraid of being hurt, but that they need to open up to each other more.

And then she burbles about how she sees a future, and there’s hope.

I think we know who’s winning this thing.

And now it’s time to line up for roses:

Rose #1: Frenchie
Rose #2: Eyes Wide Shut
Rose #3: Kelsey’s Dad
Rose #4: Clark Griswold

This means we have the most painful cut yet: Goodbye to Restraining Order Gil; Verklempt Dan; the adorable Party Gary; and everyone’s favorite, Charles in Charge.

Party Gary talks about how Joan made him feel like he mattered, and for that alone he will miss her. As he says goodbye, Joan tells him that she loves him, and I believe her.

Verklempt Dan becomes VERY VERKLEMPT. On the breakup driveway, Verklempt Dan cries about how he’s going to miss everyone there. He lives alone and spending all this time with his “brothers” has been pretty cool for him, and he’s going to miss it.

When Charles in Charge says goodbye to Joan, she tells him that he “changed [her] life.” YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE, JOAN.

Just to make sure we’re all dead, Charles in Charge goes out onto the Breakup Driveway where he says that being there helped pull him out of his sadness, and that he made lots of good friends. He then notes that he did find love, a different form of love.

And then the other men who are still on the show come outside to hug these guys goodbye one more time and THAT’S ENOUGH.

*As previously noted, Dr. Guy’s ex-wife withdrew her petition for a restraining order after about three weeks.

Still, there is an entire world out there of men who have never had someone apply for a restraining order against them and maybe in the future ABC casting should look to put them on their shows. 

Here are the men who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the men along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joan:

The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesday on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

One thought on “‘The Golden Bachelorette’: Stripping it all away”

  1. You spend a lot of time watching this show that I don’t care about. But I have read your recaps on it and absolutely love them! You are a very enjoyable writer.

    Reply

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