‘The Bachelor’: What do you do with a problem like Maria?

by Therese Odell, posted in the bachelor: season 28

The Bachelor
March 18, 2024

Welcome back to the Bachelor Studio for another “Women Tell All” screamfest.

After pointing out that a couple of Golden Bachelorettes have joined the audience — Susan and Kathy to be specific, Leslie is not there to explain herself and her advice choices UNFORTUNATELY — we begin the episode by wasting an entire segment following Jesse Palmer and Joey as they visit “viewing parties” which are completely spontaneous and not staged at all. Why they think any of the rest of us care about these events continues to baffle me.

When we return, the 16 women who have been invited to the “Tell All” are in their seats and ready to go:

And the crowd goes bananas for Margaret McPoyle. The producers have given the fans signs that call for her to be the next Bachelorette and read things like “Came for Joey; stayed for Margaret McPoyle” and if I didn’t know better, I would think the producers are setting her up to be the lead next season.

However, I do know better because I can’t escape spoilers but also, frankly, Margaret McPoyle is just too much for The Bachelorette. Granted, we’ve had a few spunky Bachelorettes in years past, Kaitlyn Bristowe and Hannah Brown, specifically. But the thing about Margaret McPoyle is that her appeal lies more in how she interacts with the other women, not as a romantic avatar to stand in for the audience. In conclusion, Margaret McPoyle is BUILT for Paradise, which she shall rule over as queen this summer.

After the obligatory montage of (mostly) Margaret McPoyle v. Everyone, Jesse Palmer begins the conversation by asking about Frodo’s “steal a one-on-one” card, and Frodo explains that she threw it into the fire because she didn’t want to create anxiety in the house about when she might steal someone’s date.

However, Frodo’s noblesse is questioned by some of the other women; most notably, Margaret McPoyle, who is like, “No one took issue with you throwing the card in the fire, what we took issue with was the idea that you did it for the rest of us because you’re a ‘girls’ girl’ and then you go and talk shit about the other women in the house.”

When someone points out that everyone was talking shit, Umpire’s Chair notes that not everyone is out there calling themselves “a girls’ girl” and then talking behind people’s backs.

“Also, your tears were performative,” adds Butterflies.

Jesse Palmer turns to Lots of Balls and asks her about her confrontation with Frodo in Malta. Lots of Balls explains that it was particularly frustrating to have Frodo, “a girls’ girl” pull her aside and try to tell her how to behave. Fall, for some inexplicable reason (the Karen genes are strong in this one), thinks that her opinion on this issue is valuable and tries to argue with Lots of Balls that Frodo didn’t do that, EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS NOT PART OF THAT CONVERSATION. Fortunately, Margaret McPoyle jumps in and tells Fall to not interrupt Lots of Balls.

Lots of Balls returns to Frodo and demands an apology. Frodo offers a classic non-apology apology: “I’m sorry you felt that way,” before adding, “but then you took that conversation and went to Margaret McPoyle and told her that I wanted everyone to be mean to her.”

Lots of Balls and Margaret McPoyle are like, “Yeah, because that’s what you said?”

Margaret McPoyle relitigates what happened: she returned from her 2-on-1 date with Toddlers and Tiaras and the room went silent — no one was happy to see her return. Lots of Balls was kind enough to tell Margaret McPoyle that she looked beautiful and that was, for some reason, a problem for Frodo.

Jesse Palmer interrupts this train of thought to bring up that one of the biggest accusations that got back to Joey was that Margaret McPoyle told Frodo to “shut the fuck up.”

Margaret McPoyle is like, “I NEVER SAID THAT,” which is when Older Sister is like, “Yeah, because I did.”

I guess white ladies with black hair all look alike to you. (To be fair to Frodo, they do kinda look alike, and considering Older Sister wasn’t in the house all that long, it meant she said this to Frodo in the early days, and Frodo might not have been able to tell them apart just yet.)

Frodo responds that she WILL NOT BE GASLIT — someone did tell her to shut the fuck up! It just didn’t happen to be the person she tried to backstab and get sent home.

Jesse Palmer interrupts this particular downward spiral, and Frodo runs off the stage for a good cry. As the commercial break ends, Frodo returns to her seat, and Margaret McPoyle, of all people, hugs her and encourages her to breathe through it. In return, Frodo apologizes and seems to actually mean it this time.

Jesse Palmer then pivots to the real fight of the season: Margaret McPoyle vs. Everyone. Lots of Balls explains that after she expressed her insecurities about being the oldest woman in the house, it turned into a thing with Margaret McPoyle not because Lots of Balls believed that she had said anything bad about her, but because Margaret McPoyle was demanding to know who said she had. It’s nuanced.

Lots of Balls now agrees that saying she felt “bullied” by Margaret McPoyle was the wrong choice of words, but that Toddlers and Tiaras begged her to not tell Margaret McPoyle she was the one who said she was talking shit, and she felt like she was in the middle of two fighting pit bulls.

Toddlers and Tiaras tries to argue that she was just sticking up for Lots of Balls, but Force Feeding is like, “No, you never liked Margaret McPoyle, and you used the whole, ‘age’ thing as an excuse to attack her.”

Toddlers and Tiaras tries to pull a “YOU DON’T KNOW THAT,” but Force Feeding isn’t having it: “I saw it. I observed everything. I sat and I was quiet and I saw everything. Don’t try to stop me from saying what I feel.”

Toddlers and Tiaras tries to claim that the real problem is that she and Margaret McPoyle have “different communication styles” and Margaret McPoyle, she’ll happily take that low softball right over the plate: “That’s right, I speak the truth and you make up lies.”

Jesse Palmer then points out that once they arrived in Spain, suddenly it was Starla who had issues with Margaret McPoyle, what the hell? Starla explains that every time she tried to talk in the McMansion, Margaret McPoyle would interrupt her. And at that very moment, Margaret McPoyle interrupts her, thereby proving Starla’s point and doing herself no favors.

Starla goes on to claim that Margaret McPoyle told her to “shut up,” but Margaret McPoyle clarifies that she told Starla to “zip it.”

OH, SO IT’S OK WHEN MARGARET MCPOYLE DOES IT, BUT NOT KATHY?

Starla argues that she felt shut down multiple times by Margaret McPoyle, but Margaret McPoyle counters that she was supportive of Starla many times, even the night Starla called her a bitch.

Lots of Balls argues that maybe it’s about Margaret McPoyle’s delivery, but Sporty Spice counters, “Or maybe it’s about Margaret McPoyle not having the same opinion as their little friend group.” Giant Bra adds that Margaret McPoyle was the one being bullied, and Force Feeding insists that if she were the one who everyone was ganging up on, things would have gone quite differently: as it was, Margaret McPoyle handled it well.

The first woman to join Jesse Palmer on the big stage is actually my choice for Bachelorette, but will never happen because she self-eliminated so early on and the producers are not going to put themselves in another Juan Pablo situation, thankyouverymuch. It’s Sporty Spice, and I genuinely think a Bachelorette season vetted for men who are 1. older and 2. ready to get married in a year or even a matter of months to accommodate her health situation might be a refreshing change from all these fuccbois.

ANYWAY. Sporty Spice talks about how her decision to leave early was very difficult but that ultimately she knew it was for the best for both Joey and herself. She adds that Joey made her feel heard and not judged, especially compared to other relationships that made her feel like less of a woman because of her condition. Additionally, Joey responded so thoughtfully, saying that he wanted a toolkit to keep on himself so he would always be ready if she was experiencing pain.

Additionally, the response from the audience has been incredible: she’s received thousands of messages from women, men, and couples who are going through IVF who cried with her. She thought she was going through this alone, but is so grateful to learn she helped people suffering from endometriosis feel seen.

I genuinely think they missed out on an opportunity for a really interesting season of The Bachelorette with this one.

Next up is Go-Kart Girl, though I’m not entirely sure why (I mean, I know NOW). It’s not like she and Joey had some great relationship; she didn’t make it to Hometowns much less Fantasy Suites. But here she is talking to Jesse Palmer about making herself vulnerable to Joey and about her relationship with her mother, which has improved since being on the show. She also reconnected with some of her family after talking about her alienation from her father, so good for her? But also, who cares?

Well, we all have to care because:

Finally, Margaret McPoyle joins Jesse Palmer on the couch, where she talks about what a strong connection she and Joey had, that it was easy, like being with a friend she happened to want to make out with. She adds that the Montreal “Pretty Woman” date was the turning point for her, and took her worries away.

Jesse Palmer asks what her father’s reaction was to her being eliminated, and Margaret McPoyle jokes that he’s taken a hit out on Joey.

Jesse Palmer asks Margaret McPoyle why she thinks Toddlers and Tiaras has such a negative impression of her and Margaret McPoyle is like, “Beats me.”

Toddlers and Tiaras interjects to say that Margaret McPoyle did call her “weird, dumb and embarrassing” (because she was) but adds that watching it back, she sees that she was annoying and cringey. She goes on to say we all say things that we don’t mean and that she doesn’t blame Margaret McPoyle for anything she said about her, and she should have been more “resolution-oriented” instead of attacking her.

Margaret McPoyle admits that she gets heated when she feels cornered and that she feels like she has to protect herself. That said, Margaret McPoyle adds, Toddlers and Tiaras has been subject to terrible hate online from viewers, and she does not condone any of it.

Frodo jumps in to say that she didn’t get the opportunity to know Margaret McPoyle while filming but that watching the show back, she was impressed by her and thinks she is a wonderful woman. They both agree that they would have been friends outside of this unreal bubble, and Margaret McPoyle hugs them both because she is a decent person.

We still have one more woman to bring to the couch, which means we need to return to Tulum and resolve some unfinished business.

Last we left Joey and his final three Bachelorettes, he had discovered a note left in his door from Voodoo Doll, reading, “We need to talk.” Joey, thoroughly freaked out, can not figure out what, exactly, he’s done wrong, and is in a full-blown panic attack. 

Voodoo Doll arrives at his hotel room, sits him down, and explains that she promised that if she had something she needed to communicate to him, she would do so. And that thing that was so important for her to tell him?

It was hard to not see him for a day, and she missed him.

THAT’S IT. THIS MAN IS SPIRALING OUT OF CONTROL, HYPERVENTILATING, AND DRY-HEAVING AND THAT IS ALL SHE HAD TO SAY.

Joey looks like he’s going to vomit and is like, “That’s … that’s it?” And Voodoo Doll is like, “Yep! Just wanted to tell you that I wanted to meet your family! That’s all I’ve got!” So Joey sends her back to her hotel room and pours himself a giant tequila.

The next day is Rose Ceremony time, and despite trying to drum up some drama by swapping out the order in which the roses are passed out (more on that in a second), we all know how this is going to go:

Rose #1: Christmas Tree
Rose #2: Voodoo Doll

So, yeah: if you watch closely, when Joey is about to hand out his second rose to Voodoo Doll, there is still another rose on the table — MEANING, he actually gave Voodoo Doll the first rose.

There are some who speculated that they swapped the rose order because the producers wanted to trick us into believing that Christmas Tree is the frontrunner. But I think it’s a little more subtle than that: they swapped the roses to play off that last conversation with Voodoo Doll, the producers wanted to create some tension about whether or not she had self-sabotaged by freaking him out.

But she didn’t and now Lei Me is on her way back to Hawaii. Aloha, Lei Me.

When we return to the Bachelor Studio, Lei Me is on the couch, crying, having just watched herself get dumped for the first time, which doesn’t seem fair to these ladies. Let them watch this in the privacy of their own homes and process it instead of flying them out and making them do so in front of Jesse Palmer, America, and God.

Lei Me explains that these are both happy and sad tears because she does see how much love was there between them. She was in love with Joey: who wouldn’t be? But in the end, she’s proud of herself for being vulnerable and falling in love with him. And Susan, she’s proud of Lei Me, too.

Joey then makes his first appearance to the absolutely feral crowd and joins Lei Me on the couch. Lei Me tells him that while she’s upset she was eliminated, he made everything so easy. Joey adds that their friendship was very real and that he’s sorry that he just couldn’t get there with her because he really does enjoy spending time with her.

Lei Me adds that in terms of men, her father is her standard bearer and that Joey lived up to the standards he set. As a result of being with him, she was able to see and recognize her own worth. Which is lovely.

Jesse Palmer asks her how life has been since she left the show, and Lei Me becomes emotional again, noting that she had received a barrage of racist messages from the viewers. They’ve called her the “N-word” and other horrible slurs just because she received a rose over their favorites. It bums her out because her parents enjoyed their hometown episode so much, only to see their daughter be attacked over their culture.

Jesse Palmer apologizes on behalf of the show, before asking the other women if any of them have received online hate, and all of them raise their hands. (Which, OK, but it’s different right? The hate the other women are receiving online — notably Toddlers and Tiaras and Frodo — is because of how they behaved on the show, not just because of the color of their skin. I am not condoning any hateful speech online, but let’s be really clear on why the hate towards Lei Me is different.)

Joey reminds the audience that these women are brave to be on the show and look for love in front of the entire world, and they do not deserve the hate, while Lei Me urges the audience to “just be kind.”

Sadly, in the world we live in now that is easier said than done.

Lei Me joins the other women, leaving Joey alone on the couch to take comments from the other women. Toddlers and Tiaras notes that Joey reached out to her when she was receiving hateful messages from people; Fall asks if he has any single friends they can date; Margaret McPoyle thanks him for “handling” her with care; Joey assures Go-Kart Girl that his decision to not bring her to hometowns had nothing to do with how amazing she is, just that he wasn’t quite there in their relationship.

As for Miss Universe Jamaica Barbie, she reveals that after the show, she and her father began talking again, and he apologized for a lot of mistakes he made in their relationship. He’s present in her life now and calls her often. She’s also heard from a lot of people who were similarly estranged from their families, and they’ve offered each other encouragement and support. Thanks, Barbie!

And then we have bloopers and I don’t do bloopers.

ALRIGHT, KIDDOS. Real life has a way of derailing your best intentions, and so I humbly apologize for the delay in these recaps. I’m going to do my best to get the finale up as quickly as possible, but if I’m being completely honest with y’all, my family is going through a crisis and it might take a minute. I deeply appreciate your understanding.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Joey:

The Bachelor streams on Hulu.

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