‘Saturday Night Live’ traps Sydney Sweeney in the hotness bubble

Saturday Night Live
Sydney Sweeney & Kacey Musgraves
March 2, 2024

I don’t watch Euphoria because I have had teenage children and it was just A LITTLE TOO MUCH for me, so I was formally introduced to Sydney Sweeney in the first season of The White Lotus, as the bitchy, entitled teenage daughter of a mogul, full of woke ideas and oblivious privileged behavior, and I found her both hilarious and compelling.

Unfortunately for Miss Sweeney, based on purely anecdotal evidence, many of my male friends find her compelling for …. other, mostly prurient reasons. And it felt like with this episode, the SNL writers fell into a similar trap, focusing largely on her physical attributes, despite Sweeney being both hilarious and game and a natural at comedy. The protective older woman in me wants to fold Miss Sweeney under a wing and tell her that she deserves better, that she can demand better than just being reduced to being a pretty blonde with big boobs. But the realist in me also recognizes that the reason she is hosting SNL at all is because she’s a pretty blonde — who also happens to be a talented actress and comedian — and that sometimes (a lot of the time) she will be expected to lean into the pretty blonde thing to just survive in this business.

HAPPY WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH, EVERYONE!

We’ve got another political cold open and … get this, guys: the President? You know, President Joe Biden? The 81-year-old President of the United States whom we elected when he was 77? HE’S OLD! I know! What a hilarious and novel premise! We definitely needed five and a half minutes reminding us that Old President Biden is old! Great job everyone! You really hit this one out of the park! And in the wake of that State of the Union address, this has aged like really fine mayonnaise left out on a park bench!

Grade: D

Our host Sydney Sweeney delivers a monologue that touches upon all the things that people might know about her: that she is on Euphoria; that she was rumored to be in a relationship with her Anyone But You co-star, Glen Powell; that Madame Web is a bomb; that her mother hosted a MAGA party; boobs. All in all, it’s a friendly, self-deprecating monologue.

Grade: B

In this bit, Sweeney and Chloe Fineman are college interns in a police department who crack every cold case in a matter of seconds using the internet because today’s youth know how to find anyone on social media. I don’t know how “funny” it is as much as it is “accurate.” Have you met Love is Blind fans?

Grade: B

The “Please Don’t Destroy” sketch arrives early in the night in this episode, though I am not sure it deserved it. The entire concept is the PDD guys’ are mourning a friend who died in the most over-the-top cartoonish way imaginable, and Sweeney can’t help but laugh at it. Solid “meh” on this one.

Grade: B-

Remember Air Bud? The 1997 film about a basketball-playing Golden Retriever? So, Air Bud is in high school and the star basketball player, which means that Sydney Sweeney’s mean-girl cheerleader obviously wants to hook up with him to the dismay of the actual boys on the team. I have seen a lot of praise for this sketch which I have to attribute to Millenial nostalgia, because I just got the “gross, they’re playing bestiality for laughs” ick from this one.

Grade: C+

So, there are court shows out there that instead of having just one Judge Judy, have three Judge Judys because I suppose three Judge Judys = more judgment and more judgment = better judgment? I don’t know, I don’t watch these shows. Anyway, here, SNL takes the three-judge show idea and makes it absurd by making it a 17-judge show, and the entire sketch is just spent explaining each of the judges’ unique personalities. I feel like this was an idea that sounded stronger in the writers’ room.

Grade: B-

In this taped bit, Sweeney has a crush on Bowen Yang and it’s revealed that he’s secretly straight, a huge player, and only pretending to be gay for his career. Easily the best sketch of the night, but it is definitely catering to SNL fans. Bonus Gina Gershon cameo.

Grade: A

Here, a bride is having her makeup done for her big day only to learn that she’s being stood up at the altar. Her makeup artists, played by Sweeney and Sarah Sherman, try to get her to pay them and leave a Yelp review while repeating a very dumb wannabe catchphrase. Eh.

Grade: B-

On the news that Mitch McConnell will be retiring soon, “Weekend Update” decided to use as many of their “Mitch McConnell shown here” jokes as possible, to great effect. There are other, lesser jokes in there, but the Mitch McConnell jokes make it worthwhile.

Grade: A-

Heidi Gardner plays a “woman who is aging gracefully,” which is to say not gracefully at all. It’s fine — and as a woman of a certain age, I get it. But I also feel like the women of SNL were feeling a particular way with Sweeney as host this week.

Grade: B-

Ego Nwodim visits the “Weekend Update” desk as Charlotte the Pregnant Stingray who became pregnant under mysterious circumstances (true story). The joke here is that Michael Che impregnated her and I AM ALL THE WAY HERE FOR IT. Big night for bestiality on SNL — and don’t ask me why this is OK and the Air Bud sketch isn’t, I don’t have to explain myself to you.

Grade: A

Hey, did y’all notice that Sydney Sweeney has big boobs and is attractive? Because the writers certainly did. Here, she’s a waitress at Hooters who pulls in more tips than the other waitresses because of her … well, you know where this is going. The most insulting part of this sketch is the suggestion that Chloe Fineman and Sarah Sherman are not very attractive? And wouldn’t receive tips at Hooters? I don’t know, I just hated everything about this. Sweeney and the women of SNL deserved better.

Grade: C-

Chloe Troast and Sweeney are interior designers for uninviting, Home Goods-decorated AirBNBs in this pre-taped bit. If Jerry Seinfeld were still doing stand-up, this is the kind of material one might expect.

Grade: B-

Finally, a couple goes on a date to a restaurant, where they are drowned out by a table of bros and a table of woo-girls. They each quiet the tables down by telling the men that they must really care about each other, and the women to think about their mothers. And then Glen Powell shows up. It’s just OK, but certainly not weird or daring enough to be “last sketch of the night” material.

Grade: B-

Final Grade: B-

Saturday Night Live airs at 10:30/11:30 p.m. Saturdays on NBC and streams on Peacock.