Bachelor in Paradise
November 2, 2023
It’s the morning after Towelie went on a date with Belchmeister and Julia Roberts lost her damn mind, but no one has yet had a chance to talk it out for reasons. Towelie eventually emerges from the Mojo Dojo Casa House and takes Julia Roberts aside for a Very Important Conversation.
As they make their way down the beach, Julia Roberts is monologuing that Towelie is IN THE DOGHOUSE and he will REMAIN THERE UNTIL HE APOLOGIZES. Which … oh no … she thinks there’s still a chance for them to have a relationship? Is she that delusional?
Yes, yes she is. She opens their talk by saying that her feelings about their “relationship” have been influenced by the fact that he accepted the date invitation without consulting her. IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY. HE DID NOT PRIORITIZE HER FEELINGS.
Towelie is like, “Listen, I was really excited to meet you …
and then I did and we had a great first date, but I think we have very different personalities and I want different things in a future wife …”
Julia Roberts, realizing that Towelie is dumping her, tries to break up with him first, telling him that she doesn’t see him as a partner outside of Paradise because she wouldn’t be able to trust him.
But Towelie continues, telling Julia Roberts that he went on the date with Belchmeister for clarity, and he now realizes that there is no future for them outside of Paradise.
In an interview, Julia Roberts loses her damn mind, again, and begins yelling, and I quote, “I AM LITERALLY SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU. HOW DARE YOU THINK YOU GET TO BREAK UP WITH ME. YOU DON’T.”
She then insists to the producers that she wants to set the record straight: Towelie did not break up with her, he just thinks he did. Anyway, she hopes he enjoys Paradise because he’s going to leave alone, and anyway, she deserves so much better.
Kat: “I just want to set the record straight, he did not just break up with me.”
— j (@JAnewname) November 3, 2023
Oh, and did I mention that the entire time all of this is happening, Julia Roberts can’t keep her hands out of her damn hair?
— Lauren (@thelweiss) November 3, 2023
As they part ways, Julia Roberts continues on her little rant, bitching that Towelie just wants to “play this fun game and have fun,” WELL GUESS WHAT, HE’S NEVER HAVING FUN WITH HER AGAIN.
Julia Roberts rejoins the girls and tells them that it’s over between her and Towelie because she just saw all of his red flags. She’s dated enough assholes that she knows one when she sees one, she insists, and that’s who Towelie is. “I walked away from him, not him from me,” she lies, while the other women, trying to avoid a nuclear meltdown are like, “you go girl, I guess…”
— wine mom yor forger🍷 (@autumnvelvets) November 3, 2023
Meanwhile, Towelie reports back to the guys that Julia Roberts is clearly upset with him, but that he did his best to be respectful. The men are like, “You didn’t do anything wrong, bitch be crazy.”
(Because bitch be crazy.)
Elsewhere, among more mentally stable Paradisers, Grizzly Adams and Glitter Bomb are navigating their situation. Grizzly Adams, sensing that Glitter Bomb just isn’t all that into him, has given her permission to explore other relationships in Paradise — which is what she wanted — but she is feeling uneasy about it for some dumb reason.
As for Grizzly, he admits that if someone new came down who was interested in him, he’d be open to it. And why shouldn’t he be if Glitter Bomb is going to be out there doing her thing?
So obviously, that’s when a new arrival enters Paradise: Genevie, who I nicknamed “Baby Nurse” because she was a pediatric nurse, one of several nurses on Zach’s season (and I have a theory about why there are so many nurses on the show, especially recently, but now’s not the time to get into a whole thing about the effects of the pandemic and gender dynamics on this show in general).
Baby Nurse enters to the great excitement of her fellow Bachelor contestants, and everyone agrees: Baby Nurse is wonderful and beautiful and perfect and it would SUCK if she stole their man.
Baby Nurse first asks to speak to Boardwalk Carny before chatting with Grizzly Adams. Baby Nurse asks Grizzly to join her (obviously, otherwise we wouldn’t be spending all this time on him and Glitter Bomb), and he accepts, adding that he needs to speak with Glitter Bomb before they leave.
Once they are alone, Grizzly Adams explains to Glitter Bomb that Baby Nurse seems put together and fun, and more importantly, she makes him feel wanted. Also, it might be good for Glitter Bomb for him to leave Paradise for a while so that she can explore other connections. Because otherwise:
Glitter Bomb feels guilty that Grizzly didn’t feel “wanted” by her, and notes that it would be selfish of her to not let him explore other options if that’s what she’s going to be doing.
And with that, Grizzly Adams heads off for his date with Baby Nurse, while Glitter Bomb pouts over a situation that she created for herself.
So, Julia Roberts. She’s not going to just go quietly mourn the end of her relationship with Towelie, not when there is so much other shit to stir. She begins her new path of destruction by setting her sights on Deep Dive, despite the fact that he is very much with Big Toe. When Julia Roberts starts talking about how “hot” Deep Dive is and about his tongue ring (gross), Bullhorn encourages her to go after him, because she seems to be single-handedly trying to destroy Big Toe’s happiness in Paradise for some reason.
Julia Roberts begins throwing herself at Deep Dive, asking him all about his job and pretending to care about nitrogen levels. But Dangly Earrings and Big Toe, they know what Julia Roberts is really doing: shopping for her next rose. Or “homie hopping” as Dangly Earrings so eloquently puts it.
But Julia Roberts isn’t content with just trying to destroy someone else’s relationship for her own benefit; she also decides to destroy another couple for shits and giggles.
Or, more likely, because the producers put her up to it.
To that end, Julia Roberts corners German Sausage in the Barbie Dream House bathroom and informs her that Charity told her that she shouldn’t trust A-A-RON. Something something ex-girlfriend something. German Sausage, who doesn’t actually know Charity, is left confused and uncertain and wishing that Charity were there so she could speak with her directly.
Ah yes, and there it is: the Bahcelor gods shall provide, dear German Sausage, but only because they set this all up in the first place. Knowing full well that they were flying Charity down to Paradise on this particular day, they urged Julia Roberts to sit on this information until now so as to maximize the dramaz. Because why would Julia Roberts wait to tell German Sausage this now instead of days or weeks ago, when German Sausage was first starting to hang out with A-A-RON? No, they wanted the couple to get close so that they could drop the Charity bomb late in the game once feelings were established.
This dumb show.
Elsewhere, Dangly Earrings and Bachelorette Rachel are still glowing from their date the day before, so obviously SEND IN A NEW GIRL.
Our newest arrival is another Night One Girl from Zach’s season, Becca. Don’t remember her? That’s OK, the Bachelor gods have created a highlights reel of her night:
And so, for our purposes, meet Arrow Girl:
Arrow Girl walks in and the first person to jump up and hug her is Dangly Earrings.
Arrow Girl asks to speak to Deep Dive first, where she asks him about his insanely dangerous job, and she replies, “Yeah, my brother fishes, so I completely get it.”
John Henry knowing his job has the highest fatality rate of any occupation and he has a 15% chance of dying every time he goes out.
But Becca’s brother fishes so. Totally comparable. #BachelorInParadise pic.twitter.com/m8Okgh2tyG
— Rosa Dawson (@RosaReyyyy) November 4, 2023
She then asks to speak to Dangly Earrings, where he reveals that, like your trusty blogger, he owns a Rhodesian Ridgeback.
To be fair to Dangly Earrings, River is a gorgeous animal:
After their chat, Arrow Girl asks Dangly Earrings to join her on the date and he nearly jumps out of his dumb scarf to accept, leaving Bachelorette Rachel in shock. WHO’S HOMIE HOPPING NOW, DANGLY EARRINGS?
As for these dates: Grizzly Adams and Baby Nurse go sea kayaking and make out on the beach. In an interview, Grizzly Adams says that he wasn’t thinking about Glitter Bomb on the date, but now he is, and now he’s all in his head and it’s weird.
As for Glitter Bomb, she finds herself alone on a beach bed with Boardwalk Carny, where before you know it, they are chewing on each other’s faces. So I guess she’s not so upset about Grizzly Adams giving her that space anymore.
— . (@ennngeee14) November 3, 2023
And then Dangly Earrings’ date with Arrow Girl, they go to what is called a “cocina tántrica” — a “tantric kitchen.” So are they doing yoga? Are they cooking vegan food?
No, they are feeding each other champagne and oysters, talking about how “sexy” this is, and Dangly Earrings breaks out his Borat impersonation. Again. How any of this is “tantric” eludes me.
Back in Paradise, Bachelorette Rachel wanders the beach in sad while two of her final four as the Bachelorette, Boardwalk Carny and Junior, watch from afar and worry about her. It’s actually kinda sweet?
Elsewhere, Julia Roberts is still on her campaign to steal Deep Dive from Big Toe, and Towelie, having freshly been saved from her insane clutches, asks Deep Dive what he thinks about her. Deep Dive admits he’s confused by Julia Roberts’ sudden interest, noting that she’s not always been approachable or friendly. But, that said, he’s not closed off to the idea.
DEEP DIVE: NO. SHE IS LEGITIMATELY DELUSIONAL.
Julia Roberts invites Deep Dive to go on a walk with her, pulling him away from Big Toe, and he readily agrees, because as my new favorite Bachelor Nation character Canada Sam explains, there’s not a lot going on in Deep Dive’s pretty little head, just an empty hamster wheel spinning around and around:
Big Toe eventually interrupts Deep Dive’s conversation with Julia Roberts because ABSOLUTELY NOT, and somehow, they end up sitting not three feet away from Julia Roberts, Bullhorn, and Junior. There, Julia Roberts loudly talks about how she wants Deep Dive’s tongue in her mouth and for him to grab her ass. Meanwhile, Deep Dive assures Big Toe that she’s his “number one,” and Big Toe reminds everyone who Deep Dive is actually with, by making out with him there and then.
And because Julia Roberts is literally insane, she says the following things:
“What the fuck is going on? HELL NO. Deep Dive is MINE. She’s so territorial it’s like gross.”
— colby xx (@colbynxel) November 3, 2023
She goes on to whine that none of her friends would do that, and she’s pretty sure Big Toe is making Deep Dive uncomfortable.
But back to the German Sausage/A-A-RON drama that he has no idea is about to blow up in his face. A-A-RON is prepared to talk to German Sausage about being exclusive, so when she takes him aside to chat and reveals that she learned through Julia Roberts that Charity was saying some things about him and an ex-girlfriend, he’s completely blindsided.
He also seems to know what this is about … not that he’s able to explain it very well.
I will do my best to lead you through the story A-A-RON tells German Sausage, but I warn you, none of us will understand what the hell he’s talking about.
He was seeing this one girl, but they broke up in August of last year.
— So far, so good.
But she thought they broke up because he wanted to be on the show. The problem with that is that he didn’t get the Bachelorette call until December.
— Got it.
And anyway, he was seeing someone else.
With whom he ended things in October.
But things were on and off and they ended things via text over New Year’s, which was in January.
Anyway, one of these women — it’s unclear which — reached out to Charity after the show ended and told her some version of this story.
German Sausage and I and the entire audience are completely confused by this explanation and German Sausaage has to go take a little break from A-A-RON because … what? German Sausage wishes that Charity was in Paradise, so, of course, that’s the cue for the Bachelor gods to send her down.
There is much screaming and carrying on from the girls, and a lot of sheepish looks from the guys.
— Meg (@TheOldMeg) November 3, 2023
Charity takes all the women off to the giant daybed for a chitchat, while the boys head back to the bar for shots, which: fair.
On the daybed, Charity asks the women who is with whom, and Julia Roberts starts going on about how she and Deep Dive have a connection. But Big Toe immediately steps in and is like, “AKSHULLY, he just told me I am his number one, and we had a very sexy spa date where we massaged each other with oils and shit, so.”
As for German Sausage, she asks to speak to Charity privately, and Charity readily agrees. Once alone, German Sausage outlines the situation: she and A-A-RON have this connection; Julia Roberts said Charity warned her about him specifically; A-A-RON, when confronted, gave a convoluted answer and she doesn’t know what to think. However, we’re going to have to wait until the next episode to hear Charity’s side of the story because these editors play dirty.
Meanwhile, A-A-RON confronts Julia Roberts about why she told German Sausage any of this, and Julia Roberts responds that she was just looking out for her friend. The better question, of course, is why did Julia Roberts tell German Sausage this now instead of say, day one? But that’s not allowed to be asked and we all know why.
Anyway, A-A-RON then goes to whine in an interview about Charity ruining his life. SIR, NO, YOU ONLY HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME WITH ALL THE RANDOM GIRLFRIENDS AND INEXPLICABLE TIMELINES AND THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT CHARITY’S FAULT, YOU DINGUS.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Thursdays on ABC at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.