‘The Golden Bachelor’: A thrill ride

The Golden Bachelor
October 26, 2023

We begin with four of the remaining six women in the pool doing the … hora? Why are they doing the hora in the pool? My Jewish friends, is Pool hora a thing?

Pool hora aside, Jesse Palmer arrives at the McMansion with some news and a date card: this is the last one-on-one and group date before the Dreaded Hometowns. And of those Dreaded Hometowns … there will only be three. See, ABC didn’t trust this to be a hit series, and only gave the show one hour a week, so they had to cut the number of hometowns down to only three as opposed to its traditional four.

THE POINT IS: Half of the remaining women are going home this week, so FREAK OUT.

As for the highly coveted one-on-one date: “Biker Chick: You make my heart soar. –Gerry”

And Biker Chick, amusingly, clarifies that it is “S-O-A-R” not “S-O-R-E.”

Gerry arrives to pick Biker Chick up and drives her to the helicopter that obviously flies over the McMansion on its way to a yacht waiting just off-shore.

Once they have safely landed on the yacht, Biker Chick begins opening up with Gerry about her rough childhood, and how she was homeless as a teenager. She prides herself on having raised successful children, but notes that she’s never been in an emotionally healthy relationship until Gerry. He offers her the date rose — which means he’s on his way to meet her family (my condolences to the family) — and then they climb into the yacht hot tub together.

Back at the McMansion, Prince Groupie has a good sob about Gerry going on dates with other women and how it’s bringing up a lot of old feelings.

Elsewhere, the women fantasize about what their group date will be, and Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner wonders if they’ll be taking a ride on a yacht.

And that’s when the producers send Biker Chick in to dash poor Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner’s dream. She describes the helicopter and the yacht and the charcuterie board and the hot tub, to which Roberta’s Friend, who happens to be a Bachelor expert, notes “The hot tub in The Bachelor is serious.”

Yes, it is, Roberta’s Friend.

The next day is the group date, and Gerry takes the five remaining women: Birthday Suit, Prince Groupie, Twice Photocopied Kris Jenner, Roberta’s Friend, and my girl F-Bomb Zen Master to the Santa Monica Pier where they ride rides and play carnival games and nurse ulcers over who will receive the evening’s one date rose.

Birthday Suit takes Gerry aside to tell him that she fucking hates doesn’t go on roller coasters, but that he made her feel comfortable enough to do so. The footage of her on the roller coaster suggests otherwise.

She then tells him that it would mean the world to her for him to meet her family because she “can’t live without him …”

… and she’s falling in love with him. Gerry’s response, “That’s so nice of you to say,” is … underwhelming.

We only get snippets of his conversations with F-Bomb Zen Master and Twice Photocopied Kris Jenner.

Sorry, ladies.

Prince Groupie tells him that she’s had a rough couple of days watching him go on the date with Biker Chick because it brought up a lot of memories of being cheated on. When she starts crying, Gerry comforts her, insisting that he wakes up thinking about her, that he felt protective of her on their ATV date, and that she’s “[his] girl.”

And then there’s Roberta’s Friend, who tells him that she feels like they share the same values and that she can’t wait to be his teammate. She tells him she is falling in love with him and can’t wait for him to meet her children and her best friend, Roberta, who will adore him.

Oh, Roberta.

Gerry is overwhelmed by all of this and admits that he’s struggling to make a decision. And to that end, he chooses to not choose — at least not that evening.

But that just pushes the inevitable off to the Rose Ceremony. Line up, MeeMaws, the early bird specials at Luby’s will end in half an hour, so we need to get half of you home.

Rose #1: Prince Groupie
Rose #2: Birthday Suit

Which means we must send Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner, F-Bomb Zen Master, and most shockingly, Roberta’s Friend home to their families.

Gerry walks Roberta’s Friend out, and tells her that this was the hardest decision he’s had to make, but she’s too shocked and angry to do anything but put herself in the Go Home Now Van.

And once inside the Go Home Now Van, this grown woman, she does not cry about how she’s “never chosen” and she does not moan, “WHEN WILL IT BE MY TURN,” but instead, she says, “This experience has been one of the best experiences of my life. I have a lot more optimism about love and the possibility of finding love at this stage in my life.”

And that, friends, is the big difference between this show and every other iteration of The Bachelor: because she’s lived some life, Roberta’s Friend knows perfectly well that not being chosen on a reality television dating show is not, actually, the end of her life.

As for the others going home: listen, ladies, I know it’s disappointing (kinda), but I promise you’re safer there. No one is going to shove you into a hot air balloon or onto a helicopter or into a convertible with a questionable electrical system. Enjoy your grandchildren and pickleball and be relieved that you no longer have to strap yourselves into evening gowns and high heels.

Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:

Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Gerry:

The Golden Bachelor airs Thursdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

One thought on “‘The Golden Bachelor’: A thrill ride

  1. I don’t think Faith is a good match for him, but I’m glad she’s one of the hometown dates because she lives in the next town over from me. It’s super “podunk” so I can’t wait to see how she tries to sell him on it.

Leave a Reply