‘Bachelor in Paradise’: The truth hurts

by Therese Odell, posted in bachelor in paradise: season 9

Bachelor in Paradise
October 19, 2023

We begin the episode with a poop baby update and resolution — long story short: no poop baby, and Legend is headed home. They stretch out this non-story for a full ten minutes, acting as though she and Firebug have some huge romance that is being rendered asunder by constipation. But as she says goodbye to him, they give each other a tepid little hug — not even a peck on the cheek! — before she gets in the vete a casa ahorra van and drives away. It’s anticlimatic, to say the least and this is the only worthwhile moment of the entire saga:


As for the more regular contestants: Big Toe was saved by Pilot Peter, Jr. in a move that I thought was more strategic on the producers’ part than it was romantic, but now these two are out here acting as if there might be a spark between them.

OK.

So, obviously, it’s time to introduce a new man to the mix and stress everyone out.

Welcome John Henry from Charity’s season, who I nicknamed “Deep Dive” because he’s an undersea welder.

“Deep Dive” = John Henry (ABC/Ricky Middlesworth)

Deep Dive arrives at Paradise talking about how nervous he is, and Jesse Palmer is all, “It’s just hot women and margaritas down there, friend, there’s nothing to be nervous about.” Deep Dive also reveals that he, like every other man on this show, is most interested in meeting Bullhorn. WHAT IS THIS WOMAN PUTTING ON HER INSTAGRAM?

Oh. I see.

Deep Dive goes down to Paradise armed with a date card: “Deep Dive: let’s get cheeky together” it reads, and introduces himself. He asks to speak with Julia Roberts, Bullhorn, and Big Toe, and when it’s clear that Bullhorn is taken, he asks Big Toe to join him on his date.

Having been burned by Swaggy on the first day, as a courtesy, Big Toe makes sure to take Pilot Peter, Jr. aside to discuss the possibility of going on the date. Pilot Peter, Jr. is like, “I’d rather you didn’t,” but she’s like, “TOO BAD,” and heads off with Deep Dive.

As for the date, they get the obligatory spa date, a completely new experience for Deep Dive who has never had a massage in his life. They strip off their clothes; manage to break one of the massage tables just by sitting on it; give each other facials; Deep Dive shows off his extensive Spanish: “uno, dos, tres …”; and they give each other massages, at which point Deep Dive surprises Big Toe with his welding helmet.

And these two, they genuinely seem to be having a good time together, laughing through and embracing the awkwardness, which eventually leads to some making out in a pool.

Still, Big Toe insists, she doesn’t know who she will choose between Deep Dive and Pilot Peter, Jr.

GIRL.

Back in Paradise, A-A-RON and German Sausage are canoodling while everyone else talks about how they’re the strongest couple in Paradise and the most likely to leave married.

SEND DOWN THE NEXT MAN.

Into Paradise comes John B. from Charity’s season, who I nicknamed “Sad Pop Song” because according to his bio, he likes to work out while listening to sad pop music.

I KNOW IT’S A LAME NICKNAME, SHUT UP.

“Sad Pop Song” = John (ABC/Ricky Middlesworth)

He introduces himself, reads his date card: “Tonight is all about amor,” and asks to chat with Henry the Pig’s Mom and German Sausage.

A-A-RON handles this development completely reasonably.

Sad Pop Song asks German Sausage to go on the date with him, but before she accepts, she takes A-A-RON aside to talk it over. There, he tells her in no uncertain terms that he does not want her to go on this date. However, German Sausage counters that she is going to go on this date because last year in Paradise, she “closed [herself] off” when she was in a spot like this before, and didn’t “do it the right way.”

As I’ve noted before, I did not watch last season. But from what I understand, German Sausage had been dating Rodney when Justin came down and asked her on a date? And Rodney didn’t tell her that he didn’t want her to go on the date? Which she wanted him to do? So she went on the date? And it messed everything up between her and Rodney? The point is, A-A-RON IS DOING THE THING SHE SAID SHE WANTED RODNEY TO DO LAST YEAR, AND SHE’S USING THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO GO ON THE DATE ANYWAY?

Make it make sense.

And listen, German Sausage has every right to go on this date. It is only day 11, and these people are walking around with still-developing brains rattling around in their heads — they don’t have to commit to anyone right now. But you have to come up with a better excuse to go on the date than this, German Sausage! Tell him you want to make sure you’re exploring your options before committing to him or tell him you want to leave this un-air-conditioned, crab-riddled hell hole for a few hours, or just tell him you are bored and want to go on the date! Anything other than what you just told him, lady.

Anyway. German Sausage and Sad Pop Song go on their date which involves eating Mexican food and awkwardly dancing to sad pop music mariachis.

Back in Paradise, A-A-RON is handling it well.

Once he takes the blanket off his head, A-A-RON proceeds to compare German Sausage to a fig jam on a charcuterie board. Or maybe he’s comparing her to the charcuterie board itself?

In any event, he’s definitely validating my nickname for her, so there’s that. HI A-A-RON, IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE READING THIS.

Later, Big Toe and Deep Dive return from their date, and she makes sure to take Pilot Peter, Jr. aside to chat. There, she tells him that she had a nice date with Deep Dive, but insists that she hasn’t made up her mind and would like to continue talking to him because Pilot Peter, Jr. is “SO SWEET,” and “SO GREAT,” she insists.

Later, Pilot Peter, Jr. decides that the real problem here is that he hasn’t shoved his tongue down her throat yet, and takes her to one of the beach beds to explain to her his plan. He had wanted to kiss her for two days, and was just waiting for his moment. “You think this is your moment?” a confused Big Toe asks as he moves in for a kiss. Eventually, she allows him to move in and they share a painfully weird kiss.

And Big Toe can talk all she wants about being torn between two “great” men, but I think I know what is actually happening here. Big Toe, having been eliminated the first night on The Bachelor, and having been humiliated on the first night in Paradise, she’s enjoying the power and attention she is now receiving from two men interested in her rose and she is going to milk it for all its worth.

Because … get real.

At some point, Wells-4-All calls all the Paradisers over to the bar to explain that they’re adding a fun new twist to the mind games: A Truth Box into which anyone can put an anonymous comment. In fact, they are encouraged to do so, and All-4-Wells will read a select few the next night ahead of the rose ceremony.

People start stuffing the box with notes, and I guess all this truth-telling gets under Big Check’s skin because he decides he needs to speak his truth: he doesn’t really feel a spark with Bachelorette Rachel, and he’s still very interested in Glitter Bomb.

To that end, he asks to take Glitter Bomb aside for a chat. Once alone, he brings up the fact that he loved their conversation about Taylor Swift, as well as her entire energy, and he feels like their lives could mesh outside of Paradise.

Glitter Bomb is like, “COOOOOOOOL. So, the thing is, I love talking to you but I don’t want to string you along. While I’m not all in on Grizzly Adams, I’m never ever ever going to date you. It’s not happening, buddy.”

Meanwhile, Dangly Earrings is like “This is some bullshit for Bachelorette Rachel that Big Check is out there shooting his shot with some other girl. And also, I need a rose.” So he tattles to Bachelorette Rachel that Big Check has been going around telling everyone that he’d rather be with Glitter Bomb, but he doesn’t want to hurt Bachelorette Rachel’s feelings since she’s SO into him.

This is news to Bachelorette Rachel.

GASP.

Bachelorette Rachel is HORRIFIED that Big Check is going around telling people that she is into him, and stomps off to talk to Big Check himself. She drags his ass to the beach by the ear and is like “YOU ARE OUT HERE SAYING WHAT ABOUT ME?” Big Check tries to assure her that he’s not even into Glitter Bomb now that she’s let him know in no uncertain terms that it’s never going to happen anymore. But that’s not Bachelorette Rachel’s point: her point is that he’s out there making her look ridiculous and she’s PISSED ABOUT IT.

Big Check eventually confronts Dangly Earrings about ratting him out to Bachelorette Rachel, and Dangly Earrings is like, “I told her because I was concerned for her.” Big Check points out that the two of them had just squashed their Bachelorette beef, and that he supported Dangly Earrings after Julia Roberts crushed him, because he believes in bro code, and bro just violated the code. (Never mind that Grizzly Adams is also a bro, but Big Check had no problem violating the code when he thought he had a chance with Glitter Bomb. But I digress.) And in conclusion, Big Check is big mad.

In happier news, German Sausage returns from her date with Sad Pop Song and tells A-A-RON that even though she had a nice time, she was thinking about A-A-RON the entire time.

Finally, it’s the night of the rose ceremony where the women will be handing out the roses, and considering there are 7 women and 12 men, Big Check predicts it will be a Red Wedding.

After Jesse Palmer greets everyone at the Breakup Palapa, and updates them on Legend’s condition (still no poop baby, 12 days later), he sends them down to the bar so that Wells-4-All can read some “truths” from the “Truth Box.”

All-4-Wells reads a few boring submissions: “Stop serving half tequila shots,” “Raise your hand if you have an uncircumcised penis,” “Bachelorette Rachel and Dangly Earrings should make out …”

But Firebug loses patience, takes the Truth Box, and smashes it on the ground so as to get to the real “truths.”

All-4-Wells instructs Firebug to read the messages: you broke it, you read it, and Firebug is more than happy to oblige.

  • Julia Roberts played Dangly Earrings
  • Towelie should watch out for Julia Roberts
  • I don’t think Julia Roberts is looking out for Glitter Bomb like she says she is
  • Dangly Earrings and Bachelorette Rachel should make out

With that suggestion being made a second time (by Dangly Earrings himself, no doubt), Dangly Earrings asks Bachelorette Rachel if she wants to go “talk,” and she readily agrees. Their mouths are soon very much on each other’s mouths, and Bachelorette Rachel declares him “the best kisser on the beach.”

MEANWHILE, Julia Roberts is not taking the criticism directed towards her well, and she takes Towelie aside for a chat, where he informs her that Dangly Earrings warned him about her. Furious, Julia Roberts drags Firebug to the beach to scream at him for a while for some reason, before going into an interview to scream about how STUPID this is and how THEY NEED TO HAVE SOME RESPECT and that NONE OF THIS IS TRUE and Dangly Earrings needs to GET OVER IT because she was OPEN AND HONEST and these men are NOT BEING MATURE and she is a GRACEFUL AND RESPECTFUL AND CHARISMATIC PERSON.

She’s screaming so loudly, in fact, she is distracting all the other couples trying to make out on the beach.


It’s a WHOLE lot.

Elsewhere, the men who do not have guaranteed roses (so that would be: Big Check, Pilot Peter, Jr., Firebug, Sad Pop Song, and Swaggy, though there could be an argument for others), are beginning to panic about potentially being eliminated that night, and Big Check begins praying to the Paradise gods for them to send more women down.

And right on cue, a pair of high heels come clacking down the stairs just in time for this interminable episode to come to an end, finally.

Bachelor in Paradise airs Thursdays on ABC at 8/9 p.m. and streams on Hulu.

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