The Golden Bachelor
October 19, 2023
It’s not Jesse Palmer who delivers the first date card of the week, but instead, Trista Sutter, the first Bachelorette, one of the few success stories of so-called “Bachelor Nation,” and about half of our contestants have no idea who she is. But no matter, they are all excited for what the date will entail: every great aunt’s favorite new sport — PICKLEBALL.
Going on this date will be: Roberta’s Friend, F-Bomb Zen Master, Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner, Hearing Aid, Chicken Dance, Birthday Suit, Regina George, and Biker Chick, meaning that Prince Groupie is the lucky recipient of the coveted one-on-one date. Well, coveted by everyone but Roberta’s Friend who is an avid pickleballer and is ready to TAKE THESE BITCHES DOWN.
The women meet Gerry, Trista, and our next Bachelor, Joey, on the pickleball court where the women demonstrate their varying degrees of familiarity with the game: Roberta’s Friend is the captain of a women’s team back home, whereas Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner has no idea why it’s called “Pickle” anything. (It’s because the wife of the creator of the game back in 1965 said that because the game was created from leftover pieces of equipment from other sports, it reminded her of a “pickle boat” in rowing, which is a team of leftover oarsmen who were not initially chosen to be on a team. And now you know.)
ANYWAY. They will be split into teams of two and the winning team will be featured in Pickleball Magazine.
At one point, Chicken Dance “falls down” and “breaks her ankle” but it’s just an old Bachelor tactic that we’ve seen in almost every sporting episode, in which some woman pretends to be injured to get extra time with the Bachelor. Which is to say: she’s fine.
— Maybe: Allison (@ayeecox) October 20, 2023
They play pickleball in rounds, and in the end, experience wins: Roberta’s Friend and Regina George’s team, Pickleicious, wins the coveted magazine shoot.
Also, this happens:
— Jessenia (@la_wesenia) October 23, 2023
Also, I learn that I have a REALLY HARD TIME spelling the word “pickle” correctly.
After the tournament, Gerry and the women have a little cocktail party there at the club, and he takes my girl, F-Bomb Zen Master, aside to talk first. It turns out, F-Bomb is MISSING HER DAUGHTER’S WEDDING THAT DAY TO BE PLAYING PICKLEBALL WITH ALL THESE WHITE WOMEN. F-BOMB, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
— Here For The Wrong Reasons (@here_wrong) October 20, 2023
Gerry, knowing this, brings F-Bomb a phone so she can call her daughter and send her love and congratulations. But because these are two septuagenarians, it takes takes a great deal of button-pushing and confused fumbling before the FaceTime call is successfully completed.
Gerry also talks to the other women, while explaining in an interview that Trista gave him some great advice: Don’t look for the woman you want to live with; find the woman you “can’t live without.”
Meanwhile, the Birthday Suit/Regina George drama continues, as Birthday Suit insists on talking to Regina George again because she
wants to stir the pot feels like there has been a miscommunication. Regina George is like, “Nope, no miscommunication: I just don’t want to hear about your dates or your ‘connection’ with Gerry. Zip it.”
And Birthday Suit, she is SO OFFENDED by being told to “zip it,” that she immediately tattles to Gerry. According to Birthday Suit, Regina George told her from day one that Birthday Suit was “The One,” but now she’s out here ordering Birthday Suit to “SNIP IT.” Which … technically is not at all what Regina George said, but Gerry frowns in concern (or perhaps confusion) nevertheless.
Gerry then takes Regina George aside and asks her what she has to say about her interaction with Birthday Suit. Regina George explains that she didn’t come on the show to fight with people, but it’s hurtful to hear people talk about the deep connections they have with him when the rest of them haven’t had as much time with him. Gerry points out that he heard she told Birthday Suit to “zip it” and demands to know what she meant by that. Regina George is like, “I don’t want to hear that you are going into other people’s bedrooms to comfort them!” In response, Gerry points out that he comforted her, too, with a special rose, and takes his Very Concerned Dad Face back to the rest of the group.
There, he offers the date rose to F-Bomb Zen Master on account of missing her daughter’s wedding, which honestly was the only option he had. Still, I personally would find someone choosing to be on a reality dating show over their DAUGHTER’S WEDDING to be … a concern.
As for the one-on-one date, Gerry takes Prince Groupie to ride some ATVs in the desert.
After, they discuss how Prince Groupie has been divorced twice.
Prince Groupie adds that she’s not been great at picking men. But, she insists, Gerry’s different, and she wouldn’t have stayed on the show for someone else.
And then, dear reader, I regret to inform you that they retreat to the most popular Bachelor trope: the hot tub that has been placed out in the middle of nowhere, where no hot tub belongs.
The horrors this poor hot tub has born witness to.
Gerry offers Prince Groupie the date rose mid-hot tub, and she happily accepts.
Back at the McMansion, the women play “Never Have I Ever” with ice cream, and just some of the things our girl Chicken Dance admits to doing: Kissing another woman’s husband; having sex in the workplace; having sex in a car; being with a woman.
— bachnationTEA (@BachnationT) October 20, 2023
I absolutely love her.
And F-Bomb Zen Master, she’s not far behind Chicken Dance — which is unfortunate for her, because she’s lactose intolerant, and as a result ends up missing the rose ceremony with stomach issues.
Also operating at less than 100% is our friend Hearing Aid who unlike Chicken Dance, actually suffered an injury during Pickleball: a stress fracture. Hearing Aid, in her giant protective boot, takes Gerry aside and is like, “Let’s be honest, it’s not happening between us, right? If it’s cool with you, I’m just going to hobble on out of here. It’s been real.”
As for the women who do not self-eliminate, Gerry takes Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner aside to give her a piece of rose quartz, because empathy and strength are associated with the crystal, which are qualities he’s noticed in her. He then adds that it also reminds him of his wife, Toni, which makes Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner tear up, because IT’S A LOT.
Gerry also checks in on F-Bomb Zen Master; and has a big conversation with Roberta’s Friend who tells him that she’s falling in love with him. In an interview, Gerry becomes very emotional, noting that hearing her say that made him think back to the last time someone looked at him and told him they loved him, his wife of 43 years. He adds that when she passed, he never thought he’d see love again. And yet, here he is, seeing it and feeling it again.
ALRIGHT, LINE THE NANNAS UP, YELLOWSTONE RERUNS ARE GOING TO BE ON SOON, AND WE GOTTA SEND SOME OF THESE LADIES HOME:
Rose #1: Roberta’s Friend
Rose #2: Biker Chick
Rose #3: Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner
Rose #4: Birthday Suit
Which means we say goodbye to Regina George (who as far as I’m concerned did nothing but try to establish some damn boundaries with Birthday Suit, but what do I know) and the delightful Chicken Dance. The McMansion is about to be a lot less fun.
Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Gerry:
The Golden Bachelor airs Thursdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.