The Golden Bachelor
October 12, 2023
A glimpse of the day-to-day lives of the women inside the McMansion reveals that the ladies spend their time playing cards, swimming, and forming little cliques. Specifically, Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner, Someone Named Kathy, Hearing Aid, and Chicken Dance have become fast friends, calling themselves
“The Plastics” “ASKN” (for their names: April, Susan, Kathy, and Nancy) and joking that, “You’re askin’, we’re tellin’.”
They then discuss that it’s clear Gerry has a connection with Birthday Suit, before Someone Named Kathy, the de facto leader of this sorta-Mean Girls group whom I will now call Regina George, starts complaining about how tiny Birthday Suit is. And as far as insults go, it’s a pretty weak one for the ol’ Burn Book.
Jesse Palmer arrives and has news: this week will feature one romantic one-on-one date, and one group date that they will all attend: it’s talent show time. Some women (Prince Groupie) are thrilled with this development; others worry they have no talent to share (Someone Named Joan).
So if you’ve ever watched The Bachelor or Bachelorette … or any show ever, really, you can probably guess how this is going to go.
The women are brought to a theater filled with Bachelor fans, and Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe is introduced to help judge, though how many of these women have any idea who Kaitlyn Bristowe actually is remains to be seen. It’s also revealed that the winner of the talent show will win a romantic dinner with Gerry, immediately following.
F-Bomb Zen Master tells a very funny boobs joke;
— Maggie L (@maggiebachstuff) October 13, 2023
Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner somewhat surprisingly does karate; Roberta’s Friend teaches the audience some middle-school level sex ed; Biker Chick sings another song; Chicken Dance does some sort of motivational speech/dance … thing; Regina George does push-ups; Hearing Aid catches whipped cream in her mouth which sounds more suggestive than it is; and Prince Groupie gives Gerry a lap dance and is VERY convinced she has this challenge in the bag.
The other women:
— CP (@NativeSheWolf) October 13, 2023
The final performance that we get to see (sorry, Birthday Suit, Golden Goddess, and Someone Named Christina, but your acts weren’t deemed TV-worthy) is Someone Named Joan’s, in which she recites a poem she wrote about how nervous she is to be there, and how she just hopes she doesn’t throw up on Gerry’s shoes.
It’s the sort of combination of vulnerability and humor that is fucking catnip on this show, and so of course Gerry picks Someone Named Joan to Prince Groupie’s great consternation.
Someone Named Joan is SHOCKED that she won, and says that “never in a million years” did she think it would be her.
— TheBachBabes (@TheBachBabes) October 13, 2023
MA’AM. JUST LOOK AT YOU.
Over dinner, she and Gerry discuss the tricky issue of dating after losing their spouses. Someone Named Joan points out that as an older person, she has so many more responsibilities. For instance, her daughter just had a c-section two weeks ago, and Someone Named Joan really struggled about whether or not to participate in the show, but ultimately decided it was time that she did something for herself.
Gerry offers her the date rose, adding that it means so much more because of how vulnerable she’s made herself.
Yay, Someone Named Joan!
Remember the daughter and the baby and the c-section? Because the very next morning, they are calling Mom and begging her to come home and help. Someone Named Joan is heartbroken to leave, but ultimately sometimes you need your mom, and family always has to be first.
Someone Named Joan breaks the news to the other women who are genuinely heartbroken for her — Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner bursts into tears — and Someone Named Joan wishes that Gerry finds love with one of them, because he truly deserves it.
— Jenera (@effulgentkordei) October 13, 2023
Meanwhile, an oblivious Gerry is driving up to the McMansion reminiscing about his date the night before and how he woke up “feeling like a million bucks.” When he arrives, he finds Someone Named Joan waiting for him with the bad news. She thanks him for one of the “best nights” of her life and tells him their date healed her heart after losing her husband. But she needs to go home and be a mom, and Gerry understands but now everyone is crying and OH MY GOD THIS SHOW.
Gerry sitting in the car reminiscing about his date with Joan for it to end in tears. It’s so heartbreaking, he was smiling from ear to ear and now he’s crying – I hate this omg
— ♉️ alien superstar 👽😈 (@RobynDMarley_) October 13, 2023
As she leaves the show, Someone Named Joan says that her heart “got a little fix from Gerry,” because as we get older we become “invisible” and we’re not considered as significant as we were when we were young.
— Camp Reality Pod (@camprealitypod) October 13, 2023
— Margo (@work_gal) October 13, 2023
As for the one-on-one date, inside the McMansion, the women are greeted by a man who introduces himself as fashion designer Michael Costello (from Project Runway! and Project Runway All-Stars! not that he’s allowed to mention that as it’s on a rival network) and he explains that he’s there for Roberta’s Friend.
Roberta’s Friend is then treated to a modified “Princess Date” — she’s not taken on a shopping spree and sent back to show off piles of shopping bags to try to make the rest of the women jealous — but she is given her choice of Costello’s gowns and sent off with Gerry to sit at the top of a hill where he gifts her some earrings before they take a hot air balloon ride.
PLEASE DO NOT KILL THE 70-YEAR-OLDS IN A HOT AIR BALLOON INCIDENT. CAN WE GET SOME HELMETS UP IN HERE?
Instead of balloon rides and motorcycles, would like to see at least one episode of "The Golden Bachelor" where they did normal stuff, like fall asleep watching "Blue Bloods."
— Brian Lowry (@blowryontv) October 6, 2023
The next day is the Rose Ceremony, and tensions are rising now that people are really starting to date Gerry. Birthday Suit, who had the first one-on-one date with Gerry, starts yammering at Regina George about how phenomenal her date with Gerry was, and how they couldn’t stop talking about their future together and all Regina George hears is “I HAD A FABULOUS DATE WITH GERRY AND I AM PRETTY SURE I AM GOING TO WIN THIS THING AND EVERYONE ELSE SHOULD JUST GO HOME BUT ESPECIALLY YOU, REGINA GEORGE, YOU WILL NEVER WIN THIS.”
Now, that is certainly not what Birthday Suit meant — and, in fact, if I had to guess, I’d say that she was feeling particularly insecure when she brought her date up to Regina George — but to Regina George’s credit, she felt like Birthday Suit was rubbing it in her face, which she (probably unconsciously) was.
Regina George, upset, goes to her friends, the Plastics, and tells them how Birthday Suit made her feel like shit.
Ahead of Gerry arriving for the cocktail party that night, the women are discussing how serious this is becoming. Chicken Dance is like, “Which is exactly why if you have an intimate moment with him, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.”
Birthday Suit immediately realizes Chicken Dance is talking about her — which suggests that she knows on some level that some of the things she’s been saying are causing insecurity. But before she can address it, the producers shove Gerry into the living room to begin the cocktail party.
While Gerry chats with Biker Chick about road trips, Birthday Suit takes Chicken Dance aside to ask if she was talking about her, and Chicken Dance is like, “Take it up with Regina George.”
But she can’t because by then, Regina George is with Gerry, talking about what a rough day she’s had, and cries that she’s faced a lot of “meanness” directed towards her. Gerry asks if there is someone in the house he should be on the lookout for, but Regina George is not that stupid to fall into that trap, and instead warns him that some people are not who they appear to be, and she’s just worried that he will make a mistake.
Between this and the tears, it’s all Gerry needs to give Regina George an early rose, noting that Regina George is showing a whole new side to herself, and he’s developing feelings for her.
And look — there are a lot of attacks on Regina George out there, accusing her of faking being upset, manipulating Gerry, and Mean Girl-ing Birthday Suit, but despite my new nickname for her, I think the situation is more nuanced than that.
Theresa / Teresa is no innocent. She literally said “I really want everyone to get a fair shot but OUR date was off the charts.” Then went on & on about her connection. Kathy caught that shade and responded accordingly.#TheGoldenBachelor #goldenbachelor pic.twitter.com/cn2iV4FOqL
— Afak6 (@afak6Scorp) October 13, 2023
When Regina George returns with the rose, Birthday Suit asks to speak to her alone, and they retreat to the stairwell for a chat. There, Birthday Suit notes that Chicken Dance suggested that Regina George was upset with her, and Regina George is like, “Well, yeah. Listen, I understand that you and Gerry have an amazing connection: I just don’t need you to keep reminding me in my face. Every time you talk about your relationship with him, it feels like you’re being territorial and dismissive.”
This makes Birthday Suit feel JUST HORRIBLE, and she, in turn, retreats to a bedroom to have a cry. That’s where Gerry finds her, and she sobs to him that everyone thinks she’s being boastful about their connection. Gerry tells her that if she doesn’t believe she was being boastful or harmful, she should just let this go, but he warns in an interview that he’s not here for the dramaz.
Sir, that is all this show is, is the dramaz.
With that, it’s time to line up the Mawmaws:
Rose #1: Biker Chick
Rose #2: F-Bomb Zen Master
Rose #3: Prince Groupie
Rose #4: Hearing Aid
Rose #5: Twice-Photocopied Kris Jenner
Rose #6: Chicken Dance
Rose #7: Birthday Suit
This means we must say goodbye to our Golden Goddess and Someone Named Christina, which isn’t entirely surprising since neither of them has been given more than two minutes of screen time despite being gorgeous.
As Gerry says his goodbyes, Birthday Suit is monologuing about how she is determined to not upset Regina George again, and that she wants to mend their friendship. To that end, while they are still on the Mawmaw Lineup, she asks Regina George if she had a good time with Gerry that night. Regina George is like, “I mean, I was crying the whole time …” and Birthday Suit follows up with, “He came up to me and said the most wonderful thing to me while I was bawling in my bedroom …” Regina George is like, “HE WAS IN YOUR BEDROOM? BIRTHDAY SUIT, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT. THAT’S THE KIND OF THING YOU KEEP TO YOURSELF.” But in an interview, Regina George notes that while she thinks Birthday Suit is a nice person, she doesn’t know if Birthday Suit knows exactly what she’s doing or if she’s “dumb as a rock.”
It’s a mystery for the ages.
Here are the ladies who have been eliminated along with their very not good nicknames:
Here are the women along with their dumb nicknames who are still “dating” Gerry:
The Golden Bachelor airs Thursdays on ABC at 7/8 p.m. and streams on Hulu.